Relationship question...yeah yeah I know ;)

LittleBallofFurr
LittleBallofFurr Posts: 242 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok, so...this is a little awkward but Im not sure where to post it, and the people who respond to these seem like a decent group so here it goes.....

Im5'3 and 186lbs. Cute, but definitely fluffy. I have been dating a guy for a while now,:love: when the first real snag came up. He was honest.

To honest.:sad:

We had this amazing conversation about how I was everything he felt he was looking for in a relationship, (insert list of fantastic things about me here) however, he couldn't get his ex out of his head. He wanted to be honest about that...(I can applaud that) He said he knew she was trouble, never gave always taking etc.
So I asked him, if you know she is trouble, and im everything...why is she in your head? (yes this is where it gets bad) Well, I think its because she's ya know...a trophy. :angry: :mad: :noway: :brokenheart:

EEEEEERK. The brakes slammed on.

Ok, so I wanted to make sure I understood this perfectly well. I am everything you want...but you cant stop thinking about her because she is more physically attractive. Yeah..that's about it. :brokenheart: :sad:

Now in all fairness I can applaud the honesty, and well, yeah I can see his point. She is stunning....but at the same time, is this to much of a red flag? If my appearance is that big of a deal (physical) should I be wary? I was so happy, and now, understandably, im hurt. However I want a second opinion. I am over reacting? Or should i just be appalled that he said that?
Thanks guys :heart:
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Replies

  • Sinisterly
    Sinisterly Posts: 10,913 Member
    Friendzone him. Right nao.
    You're bound to get hurt.
  • LankyYankee
    LankyYankee Posts: 260 Member
    You already know the answer to this or you wouldn't be posting this.

    To him? Buh-bye
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Kudos for honesty, but ouch.

    In any event, he isnt ready to move on, so I would recommend backing off.
  • Sinisterly
    Sinisterly Posts: 10,913 Member
    Kudos for honesty, but ouch.

    In any event, he isnt ready to move on, so I would recommend backing off.
    I like your mantis. That's a very nice mantis.
  • Ninguneado77
    Ninguneado77 Posts: 468


    Ok, so I wanted to make sure I understood this perfectly well. I am everything you want...but you cant stop thinking about her because she is more physically attractive. Yeah..that's about it. :brokenheart: :sad:


    Welcome to the mind of a 15 year old male. He is 15 right?
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • _John_
    _John_ Posts: 8,646 Member
    I'm taking a mulligan...nothing to see here.
  • Hornsby
    Hornsby Posts: 10,322 Member
    Yup, if he is hung up on his ex, he isn't over her, and is probably just using you as a rebound. He most likely wasn't ready for another relationship in the first place.

    Just my guess based on the limited info.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    He is still physically attracted to his ex. Does that mean he still loves her? Does that mean he's NOT attracted to you? Does that mean he doesn't have feelings for you? These are the questions you need answered.

    I'm sure my husband is still physically attracted to many of his exes. But he obviously loves me, and is attracted to me (even though I have a very different body than most of them) and he obviously doesn't love them anymore.
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
    I would be worried that he's thinking about her when we are in the sack!

    Get rid of him
  • LittleBallofFurr
    LittleBallofFurr Posts: 242 Member
    Thanks guys. I just didnt want to end things if I was being irrational. I realize that is limited info, but nothing else was really in context with that. I wanted to make sure if was responding purely out of emotion. :)
    Also, I am working on getting fit, but its for me, because I want to be healthy. I dont want to feel pressured to hurry up and be fit to "keep" someone.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    Friendzone him. Right nao.
    You're bound to get hurt.

    this
  • Erin_goBrahScience
    Erin_goBrahScience Posts: 1,215 Member
    You are everything he wants...but she's all he can think about? :huh:

    NOPE!!!

    EFF that! He isn't worth the post asking about him. He likes you but is hung up on her? No, do not play second to a memory. You deserve better than that. The right man will love everything about you exactly as you are.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    Friendzone him. Right nao.
    You're bound to get hurt.

    Completely agree.

    Also...in a way, it's good that he was sooo (TOO) honest with you. Because you DESERVE someone who is super attracted to you!! Take it from me, it makes a HUGE difference in so many areas of your relationship to have a strong physical mutual attraction. I have a HAWT husband who is into me, really crazy into me (equally so at 5'8", 271 lb when we met and at 204 lb now). In the past I had a chubby not-super-handsome husband who wasn't that attracted to me, he really liked thinner women but thought he couldn't get them being so heavy. He never told me that, thank goodness, but I know it's true.

    I don't think the guy is evil for being this way. I do think he's pretty lame, he should break up with you rather than making that comment. I mean really...what are you gonna do, emulate his ex in every way, lose weight, get plastic surgery? I think NOT! You need someone who will find you gorgeous as you are, appreciate you and so on. I hope you realize that is possible and don't feel that you need to settle for this guy.

    Even if the reason for him being hung up on his ex was something non-physical, I still say BREAK UP!

    Oh and I'd stop referring to yourself as "fluffy", you're not a cat. You're a pretty lady. Period.
  • LittleBallofFurr
    LittleBallofFurr Posts: 242 Member
    I would be worried that he's thinking about her when we are in the sack!

    Get rid of him

    Yup!
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
    Sorry, I had to stop reading at the part where you said we seem like a decent group. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Ok, I'm back. Friendzone. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Sorry, I had to stop reading at the part where you said we seem like a decent group. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Ikr? :laugh:
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
    When I first started dating a girlfriend in college she had recently broken up with her ex. She admitted to me when we were dating that she had a blast being with me and she couldn't shake her ex out of her mind. The whole trophy thing never came up.

    It was hard at first but I gave it time. That person is now my wife.

    Just for the other side. When you are with someone for a long time that connection doesn't just end, it takes time. Especially if he was the dumpee. With the trophy comment, I would not blame you for ending it though.
  • GhostriderMav
    GhostriderMav Posts: 308 Member
    If he is too attracted to her to get her out of his mind then let him leave. Find the guy who is too attracted to you to get you out of his mind.
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
    How long were they dating for ?
    Physical attraction vs mental attraction?
    Get used to it.. there will be women in his life that will be more attractive then you.
  • MoreBean13
    MoreBean13 Posts: 8,701 Member
    He is the worst.

    I hate him for you. Get rid of him. He will never be who you want him to be.
  • red_road
    red_road Posts: 761 Member
    its so much less stressful to be with someone that you dont doubt is attracted to you
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    FWIW, I'm really sorry it isn't working out as you'd hoped. While I applaud his honesty, and agree with the above, it still sucks. Sorry hon.
  • kyleekay10
    kyleekay10 Posts: 1,812 Member
    When I first started dating a girlfriend in college she had recently broken up with her ex. She admitted to me when we were dating that she had a blast being with me and she couldn't shake her ex out of her mind. The whole trophy thing never came up.

    It was hard at first but I gave it time. That person is now my wife.

    Just for the other side. When you are with someone for a long time that connection doesn't just end, it takes time. Especially if he was the dumpee. With the trophy comment, I would not blame you for ending it though.

    Awwww. Precious. :heart:
  • LittleBallofFurr
    LittleBallofFurr Posts: 242 Member
    How long were they dating for ?
    Physical attraction vs mental attraction?
    Get used to it.. there will be women in his life that will be more attractive then you.

    They "dated" on and off for around 5 years if I remember correctly. I am used to the fact that other women may be more physically attractive than me. Thats life! No matter who you are, there is always someone better, because its a personal perspective. Thanks for the imput though, all of you!
  • AsparagusFinch
    AsparagusFinch Posts: 167 Member
    I think breaking the whole thing off would be the healthiest things to do. It's something that shows you have self-respect and I'm sure he could understand that. If you're really everything he wants in a woman and he's a good guy (albeit immature for being so superficial!), he'll understand if you aren't willing to stand in another woman's shadow.

    You're gorgeous, don't allow someone to even insinuate anything different :)
  • eric_sg61
    eric_sg61 Posts: 2,925 Member
    He said his ex was trouble...........that is usually code for "she did things in the sack that you won't do"
  • LittleBallofFurr
    LittleBallofFurr Posts: 242 Member
    He said his ex was trouble...........that is usually code for "she did things in the sack that you won't do"

    If thats true she was one scary chick!
  • Hornsby
    Hornsby Posts: 10,322 Member
    He said his ex was trouble...........that is usually code for "she did things in the sack that you won't do"

    If thats true she was one scary chick!

    Best reply ever :) Bravo!
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    How long were they dating for ?
    Physical attraction vs mental attraction?
    Get used to it.. there will be women in his life that will be more attractive then you.

    They "dated" on and off for around 5 years if I remember correctly. I am used to the fact that other women may be more physically attractive than me. Thats life! No matter who you are, there is always someone better, because its a personal perspective. Thanks for the imput though, all of you!

    I think the "she's stunning" is an easier thing to latch onto then what appears to be really happening here.

    Five years, even on and off, is awhile. If he's being honest with you, and you guys had been dating happily, it's probably much less to do with her appearance versus yours and much more to do with HIS feelings.

    If she's in his head still, it's not because of looks. It could be because of their long history, the proximity of you guys dating to them being together, etc.

    I think you've been given a gem here: someone who's being honest. If he's saying he's still trying to get over the ex, that's your move to either a.) leave or b.) stick it out. If he's really great, he'll give you space, and hopefully look back into you when he feels he can be fair to your relationship. It's also up to you to see if you'd like to branch out and see a guy who IS ready to date.

    It's a little simplistic to boil it down to looks. Men cheat on women "uglier" than their SOs, men leave women for other women who are "uglier" than SOs. Just because the ex might be objectively more attractive than you does not mean he's thinking about her because of looks.

    Edit: Second read through--the lack of clear quotations threw me off. So YOU don't think she's a trophy, he said he thinks that?

    Interesting. Then this might be a little more complicated. It could be a way of him gently trying to say he's not as into you as you are into him (grabbing something to try and push you away with, and/or a mildly insulting way of saying he's just not into you). It could also, again, be his way of verbalizing he's not over his ex. He might still like you a great deal, but hasn't given himself time to get over the ex. Saying, "Oh, it's her looks" is easier for a guy who has trouble with his feelings to say then, "This girl was trouble, I was getting hurt, but I still like her" type deal.

    Ah. Feelings.

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