Relationship question...yeah yeah I know ;)

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Replies

  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I've heard of relationships working out in which everything is there, just that the guy may have a slight physical preference that is different from his partner's body type. So, I don't want to place judgement on that because I can see how this could happen and how situations are different.

    In my particular situation I have the exact body type that my husband loves and I maintain my fitness, so that it does not change much. Personally, I enjoy this aspect of our relationship, and would find it challenging if it were not that way. I know there are men that have a preference for my body type, and men that do not, so I would want to find one of those men that have the preference. But, who he is as a person is more important than that. But, if he did not adore me the way he does, I may have found my interest shifting to the men that did.

    My situation is different. When I first met my husband, we were both extremely attracted to one another. As we talked, I saw what an amazing person he is. But, at that time I lacked trust. It seemed too good to be true. So, we were friends for two years, growing in knowing each other. At a certain point I saw that he was in love with me in a really deep way. And that started to make an impression on me because his love for me also helped me as a person to understand what real love was and what respect was and to begin to undo very serious body image issues that I had (body dysmorphia). To learn things that I never learned as a child (I was only 18 when I met him). So, eventually I realized I was deeply in love with him and attracted to him, and I stopped being afraid of that level of intimacy (not sex, but real intimacy). So, the thing is that, during our friendship I always knew that my husband was incredibly physically attracted to me. He dated other people and he respected them (although obviously it was not the right fit for him in the long term), but I always knew that he was attracted to me in a way that was always there. And when he saw me naked for the first time, his reaction was priceless (I'll never forget that).

    But, we have a mental and emotional connection that is just as strong.

    I don't know why I'm sharing this. I don't know if it helps or does the opposite. Just that everyone has a story. This is mine. And I have heard very different stories that are the opposite of mine and equally happy and fulfilling. We all have different needs in a relationship as well.
  • ash8184
    ash8184 Posts: 701 Member
    Yeah... this is a red flag.

    It's one thing for someone to say, "I love you 100% but I'm concerned about your health because of your high weight" or something similar.

    It's something else for someone to say, "I love everything about you but your weight".

    Be careful!
  • oklagirl
    oklagirl Posts: 24 Member
    I think you should move on now before you get attached and hurt even worse in the long run. Who wants to constantly be compared to someone else anyway? He might not say it but he'll probably be thinking it. You need someone who wants you no matter what. He's not over her so why waist you time trying to change his mind? Just my two cents...
  • jeremywm1977
    jeremywm1977 Posts: 657 Member
    If he is too attracted to her to get her out of his mind then let him leave. Find the guy who is too attracted to you to get you out of his mind.

    Well said....
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
    He said his ex was trouble...........that is usually code for "she did things in the sack that you won't do"

    If thats true she was one scary chick!
    :drinker:
  • favoritenut
    favoritenut Posts: 217 Member
    He said his ex was trouble...........that is usually code for "she did things in the sack that you won't do"

    If thats true she was one scary chick!


    love the reply! :flowerforyou: :drinker:
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    When I first started dating a girlfriend in college she had recently broken up with her ex. She admitted to me when we were dating that she had a blast being with me and she couldn't shake her ex out of her mind. The whole trophy thing never came up.

    It was hard at first but I gave it time. That person is now my wife.

    Just for the other side. When you are with someone for a long time that connection doesn't just end, it takes time. Especially if he was the dumpee. With the trophy comment, I would not blame you for ending it though.

    Same situation for my husband and I. He had been engaged to her. It ended abruptly. She terminated it. He never told me he still had a thing for her but would talk about her often (which I called him on, and he said "sorry, she was a big part of my life for a long time, it wouldn't make sense not to talk about her"). I've been with him long enough now to know that she was his "preferred" body type (small, big boobs) and I am honestly NOT. We've been together 13 years now. I still know that I'm not "his type" but I know he loves me very very much and finds me very attractive. And honestly he's not really my "type" either but of course I love him and find him very attractive.

    So I'm not saying to stick with it, but I don't know if that conversation alone is enough to terminate. Get more information. Talk it out.
  • FitnSassy
    FitnSassy Posts: 263 Member
    Leave now and maintain some amount of self respect and dignity. If you hang around, he'll never respect you for accepting just any old thing he throws at you. The ex girlfriend probably kicked him to the curb, which may be one reason he can't get her out of his mind. And you being everything to him sounds like it translates into you doing too much to hold on to him. Don't be his doormat and let him use you up while he looks for someone he's more attracted to then dumps you. But you know all this, right?
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
    I've seen enough cases like this where it HAS lead to a long term relationship.
    If the bloke just wanted a bit of fun, he wouldn't be saying this.
    Weather that means he will make it work is another matter.
    Doubt he'll be honest again if she dumps him now, at least!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    Ya know the best way to get over an old relationship?

    Start a new one.

    Seriously you don't have to be completely "over" someone to move on.
  • homerjspartan
    homerjspartan Posts: 1,893 Member
    Sorry, I had to stop reading at the part where you said we seem like a decent group. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Ok, I'm back. Friendzone. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

    I completely disagree with you Sarah. If he is willing to pay $200, you collect that.

    Friends with monetary benefits......
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
    Sorry, I had to stop reading at the part where you said we seem like a decent group. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Ok, I'm back. Friendzone. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

    I completely disagree with you Sarah. If he is willing to pay $200, you collect that.

    Friends with monetary benefits......
    Excellent point. Proceed to Free Parking.
  • LittleBallofFurr
    LittleBallofFurr Posts: 242 Member
    Well, we have a dinner date tonight to talk. An honest to goodness get some answers and see where this is (or isnt) going. Communication is going to be the first try, after I get more info, then Ill have a better idea if this was just an honest attempt at being honest....or well, a hint or a red flag. I sincerely appreciate all the imput. :)
  • 360hope360
    360hope360 Posts: 29
    You need to let him go. He is bound to hurt you more then what he has already. Red flag times a million. He needs to find you the most attractive person on this earth becasue your a beautiful woman. When in love your other half should always find you more prettier then the girls in his past. boot him out the door and dont look back. He is still stuck on his ex and really needs to take time on his own to get over her and move on. dont give him any more chances to make up for this, its time to jump ship and find someone that loves you and lets you know your the most beautiful woman in his life . He can say well matched with my mom but no one else. When a man has another woman on their mind excluding family and lets you know its time to just let go- you need a man with one woman on his mind and that woman is YOU. Your worth all that and more- you need that respect and unconditional love. Hugs
  • kaotik26
    kaotik26 Posts: 590 Member
    I can see where this could turn into that whole, she comes running back to him and he loses himself and does something bad, ya know?
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
    Excellent point. Proceed to Free Parking.
    If she's getting paid $200 to stay in the 'relationship', I think it's a "go to jail" card someone gets ;).
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Well, we have a dinner date tonight to talk. An honest to goodness get some answers and see where this is (or isnt) going. Communication is going to be the first try, after I get more info, then Ill have a better idea if this was just an honest attempt at being honest....or well, a hint or a red flag. I sincerely appreciate all the imput. :)

    I don't think you should dump him or get angry with him. Sit down, talk it out, give it time for both of you to think about it and continue the conversation. If there is a resolution accept that and move forward. There are always going to be misunderstandings in relationships, and ways of being honest that are received better.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    He needs to find you the most attractive person on this earth

    I completely do NOT believe this. There are a lot of people on this earth who are more attractive than me. Being attractive is NOT why my husband loves me and I'm very thankful for that. I assume he'll always be attracted to me in some form or the other but there will always be more attractive people on the planet.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    He needs to find you the most attractive person on this earth

    I completely do NOT believe this. There are a lot of people on this earth who are more attractive than me. Being attractive is NOT why my husband loves me and I'm very thankful for that. I assume he'll always be attracted to me in some form or the other but there will always be more attractive people on the planet.

    I agree with Rae. The first comment in this quote is a bit much to fully expect.
  • JustMeee333
    JustMeee333 Posts: 233
    He said his ex was trouble...........that is usually code for "she did things in the sack that you won't do"

    If thats true she was one scary chick!
    With that attitude, you won't be single for long anyhow! :laugh:
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
    I completely do NOT believe this. There are a lot of people on this earth who are more attractive than me. Being attractive is NOT why my husband loves me and I'm very thankful for that. I assume he'll always be attracted to me in some form or the other but there will always be more attractive people on the planet.
    Indeed; my thought was that if blokes had told her she was the most attractive in the world when they were 'dating' it was because they wanted a shag, not because they were telling the truth (I dunno, the poster might ACTUALLY be the most attractive person in the world, to be fair.)
    If you're happy having your relationship based on a lie like that, fair enough.
    That or they are the sort of scary-stalker that most girls runs away from VERY fast!
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    How long were they dating for ?
    Physical attraction vs mental attraction?
    Get used to it.. there will be women in his life that will be more attractive then you.

    They "dated" on and off for around 5 years if I remember correctly. I am used to the fact that other women may be more physically attractive than me. Thats life! No matter who you are, there is always someone better, because its a personal perspective. Thanks for the imput though, all of you!

    I think the "she's stunning" is an easier thing to latch onto then what appears to be really happening here.

    Five years, even on and off, is awhile. If he's being honest with you, and you guys had been dating happily, it's probably much less to do with her appearance versus yours and much more to do with HIS feelings.

    If she's in his head still, it's not because of looks. It could be because of their long history, the proximity of you guys dating to them being together, etc.

    I think you've been given a gem here: someone who's being honest. If he's saying he's still trying to get over the ex, that's your move to either a.) leave or b.) stick it out. If he's really great, he'll give you space, and hopefully look back into you when he feels he can be fair to your relationship. It's also up to you to see if you'd like to branch out and see a guy who IS ready to date.

    It's a little simplistic to boil it down to looks. Men cheat on women "uglier" than their SOs, men leave women for other women who are "uglier" than SOs. Just because the ex might be objectively more attractive than you does not mean he's thinking about her because of looks.

    Edit: Second read through--the lack of clear quotations threw me off. So YOU don't think she's a trophy, he said he thinks that?

    Interesting. Then this might be a little more complicated. It could be a way of him gently trying to say he's not as into you as you are into him (grabbing something to try and push you away with, and/or a mildly insulting way of saying he's just not into you). It could also, again, be his way of verbalizing he's not over his ex. He might still like you a great deal, but hasn't given himself time to get over the ex. Saying, "Oh, it's her looks" is easier for a guy who has trouble with his feelings to say then, "This girl was trouble, I was getting hurt, but I still like her" type deal.

    Ah. Feelings.

    QFT. My ex BF left me for a f'kng DOG! Because she had a house free and clear. OP do you have a house?
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
    QFT. My ex BF left me for a f'kng DOG! Because she had a house free and clear. OP do you have a house?
    Now THAT does sound like a case of 'dodged a bullet'!
  • whitebalance
    whitebalance Posts: 1,654 Member
    If he is too attracted to her to get her out of his mind then let him leave. Find the guy who is too attracted to you to get you out of his mind.
    QFT. /thread
  • goneforawhile
    goneforawhile Posts: 257 Member
    I am conflicted in this situation.

    There is this one ex from over 6 years ago that I STILL every once in a while wish it would have worked out...


    But I guess the difference is, I would never tell a woman I was with my feelings or desires of that one that got away.. or the white buffalo ... :noway:

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