change in perceptions, goals

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NoAdditives
NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
in Motivation and Support
I had a major in my perceptions today. It all came about because of an argument with my husband's friends and two posts I read here.

The argument with my husband's friend and his wife spanned a number of subjects but ultimately ended with them accusing me of being jealous of her and me surmising that she was insecure with herself. They think I'm jealous because she's super skinny and I'm not. I realized that nothing could be further from the truth. I'm happy with who I am as a person and I love my life. I feel that she is insecure because even though she has a great body she was unhappy enough that she felt she needed breast implants. That made me realize again that I completely happy with who I am and don't feel the need to change myself at all.

The first post I read was about how MFP is not a weight loss site, it's a tool to help us lead healthier lives. The other was from a girl asking when watching your weight becomes an obsession/eating disorder. I thought about the second post throughout the day today. I had replied twice but kept thinking about my second reply. In it I stated that when we struggle with out weight for a long period of time our perception of ourselves becomes skewed. When the goal is to lose weight and get skinny our progress gets diminished. When the number on the scale goes down we congratulate ourselves but quickly realize it's not enough. When we look in the mirror and see the positive changes in our bodies we're happy but we still feel that we're fat and we see only the flaws.

All this made me realize that my goal is not to lose weight, not to be skinny, not to fit into my old clothes. My goal is to become healthy. Any weight loss is simply incidental. And my main reason for wanting to be healthy is for my kids. I want to teach them all the things about healthy living that I never learned growing up. I want them to understand the importance of healthy eating habits and staying active. The best way that I can do this is to lead by example. And of course, I want to be around for as much of their, their children's and possibly their grandchildren's lives!

So my new goal is to get to a healthy weight, a healthy BMI and a healthy body fat percentage. If I end up being skinny, if I end up being able to fit into my old clothes, fantastic! If not, that's ok too as long as I'm healthy and give myself the freedom to have some ice cream cake now and then!

Replies

  • msbanana
    msbanana Posts: 793 Member
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    "All this made me realize that my goal is not to lose weight, not to be skinny, not to fit into my old clothes. My goal is to become healthy. Any weight loss is simply incidental"

    AMEN sista!! That's the only way this little adventure has worked for me. Good for you for realizing it now and making HEALTHY your goal. You're going to get there and be happy with yourself when you do. :drinker:
  • briannagolden
    briannagolden Posts: 9
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    Thank you so very much for sharing that! I'm in tears....I understand your feelings and kudos for sharing them!!! :happy:
  • harleymotivatedmama
    harleymotivatedmama Posts: 31
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    Wow what a way to look at it. My signature is about being motivated for my kids and all I have every wanted is to set a better example for them than I got, I want them to eat to live and stay active to be healthy not obsess about the weight like I have since forever. I have so enjoyed this site and its support, I love the lbs coming off but it is all about showing my kids how a healthy lifestyle can improve your life, they love that I play activly at the park, want to go outside instead of sitting on the couch. I support you new outlook and think we should all embrase it.
  • WonderNoodle
    WonderNoodle Posts: 549
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    generations have progressively declined in health related to obesity. our generation (the mfp gen which spans many age groups) are the NEW generation changing lifestyles and paying it forward to the NEXT generation.

    BRAVO to changing your perception and inviting us to do ours as well ESPECIALLY when it comes to our self image.
  • sumirei
    sumirei Posts: 22
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    Your way at looking at this is awesome! I feel that skinny ppl usually thinks that they are fat. Sometimes I wonder is that because they are simply not good at handling the situation when someone says they are skinny/looks great. Instead of a simple "thank you", usually what we hear are "no way! I am fat". Which makes me (who is obese) really offended!

    Recently, I feel that I am a bad example to my son as I eat fast food regularly and have to bring him along. And the effect of it started to show in my 1.5yr old son. He started to reject healthy food/regular meals and rather starve himself so that I'll give him his toddler snacks later.

    As I wouldn't want my son to be like us (DH & me) to be obese forever in our life, I started working towards the goal of setting a good example for my son. By having a healthy lifestyle. Choosing the correct food, healthy snacks and with treats once in awhile. As well as exercising regularly. I have somehow talked my DH into doing the same and we are now working towards our goal together.
  • WonderNoodle
    WonderNoodle Posts: 549
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    Instead of a simple "thank you", usually what we hear are "no way! I am fat". Which makes me (who is obese) really offended!

    I know exatly how you feel AND how "they" feel. I used to be upset when my skinny girlfriends would come to me with their "my butt is so big" problems, but after heading the weigh-in at work for 2 years (everybody is comfortable with the big girl seeing their weight :wink: ) I soon realized that they came to ME because they felt I would know where they were coming from. I would understand their insecurities and self-image issues. It was during a conversation with a good friend (skinny girl) about just that, that I realized that ALL women have issues with their bodies, weight, hair, skin. I used to think they like to discuss their "huge butts" around me to make themselves feel better, making me feel worse, but they really perceive themselves as having a BIG BUTT.

    It's amazing how we torture ourselves. It ends now right ladies? :drinker:
  • AngelSharum
    AngelSharum Posts: 74 Member
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    I wish you all the best on your journey to health.

    For me, this has always been about getting healthier. I have so many health problems that I HAVE to get healthy or I'll just keep getting worse. Of course, some of the health problems led to the weight gain, but that's a different matter...lol. I'm working on getting healthy, and, I won't lie, I'd love to at least get in a size 10 one of these days. :happy:
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Thank you all so much! This site is amazing and I'm so glad that my trainer turned me on to it. Not only does it make it so much easier to track calories and exercise, there is just so much support. It's amazing and wonderful.

    The other thing that helped me reevaluate things was reading an article about young girls being "body bullies". It was about how young girls have terrible self-esteem, perceive themselves as being fat and only see their flaws. I know everyone goes has issues like these in high school, it's a rough time for us all. But these issues are affecting girls at younger and younger ages. It made me very sad and my only thought was that these girls are learning this behavior from the adults in their lives. They grow up seeing their moms struggle with their weight and hate their bodies and they end up doing the same thing. It gave me that much more inspiration to get myself back to a healthy weight and lifestyle now, while my daughter is still a toddler. I don't want her to see me struggle with this, I don't want her to grow up thinking that's a normal way for women to live.

    I want her to grow up to be happy and confident. I've stopped wearing makeup on a daily basis because I don't want her to feel like she has to wear it in order to be beautiful. I want her to know that she is beautiful just the way she is.
  • helloiloveukitty
    helloiloveukitty Posts: 448 Member
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    I feel that she is insecure because even though she has a great body she was unhappy enough that she felt she needed breast implants.

    I'm not sure exactly who I'm posting this in response too (mostly the quoted statement), but please don't be offended. no *****y tone here :)

    I really dislike this assumption. Maybe because I'm planning a BA I'm touchy here but just because someone has cosmetic surgery does not make them an insecure person who is miserable on the inside, sometimes they are happy and just want something outside to match what they like or feel inside. I feel its unfair to judge some one for that, as its a personal choice.

    Is a woman insecure because she wears make up? Is a woman insecure because she dyes her hair? Is a woman who buys 500$ high heels doing so out in inadequacy? Sure plastic surgery is more invasive than going blonde and putting on lipgloss and blush but still, whats so wrong with wanting to look how one wants to look? Is that not part of the reason some people are on MFP, to change their bodies appearance (as well as be healthy obviously) because that's what they want. So its fine if its weightloss but not fine if its something else you or i personally don't care for? I can never understand that kind of attitude. Who are we to judge someone else as to how they relate to their own body
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    In this particular case her reason for getting breast implants was "to look better". That, in addition to her assumption that I must be jealous of her, and the context of our argument/conversation made it pretty clear that her decision was based in large part on her being unhappy with her body, therefore being at least a little insecure.

    I don't see cosmetic surgery as being on the same level as buying designer shoes. Granted, they are both unnecessary luxury expenses but the similarities end there. Wearing nice clothes and makeup are one thing, but surgery is something else entirely. To permanently change your body that way, to agree to the potential risks that all surgical procedures have seems to me to be done either out of vanity or insecurity. A person who is truly happy with who they are, who truly loves themselves, won't feel the need to surgically alter their body.

    Losing weight is different as it's more about being healthy and for most people, doesn't involve the risk of infection or death that surgery does. Losing weight has the added benefit of reducing the risks of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Cosmetic surgery doesn't have any benefits that simply learning to love and be happy with yourself has.

    And as far as makeup goes, I have mixed feelings. As I've gotten older I've started wearing less and less and now that I'm a stay at home mom to two little ones I rarely wear it. I constantly get comments from my friends about how great I look with no makeup and how they wish they could look as good. This makes me sad both for them and our society. The cosmetics industry has convinced women that they need makeup in order to look beautiful. It simply isn't true and I wish more women had the courage to be natural. A large part of why I rarely wear makeup, and only wear light makeup when I do, is because I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking she has to wear it in order to be attractive. Even at 2 years old she is incredibly beautiful and I want her to always be as confident as she is now.
  • helloiloveukitty
    helloiloveukitty Posts: 448 Member
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    In this particular case her reason for getting breast implants was "to look better". That, in addition to her assumption that I must be jealous of her, and the context of our argument/conversation made it pretty clear that her decision was based in large part on her being unhappy with her body, therefore being at least a little insecure.

    I don't see cosmetic surgery as being on the same level as buying designer shoes. Granted, they are both unnecessary luxury expenses but the similarities end there. Wearing nice clothes and makeup are one thing, but surgery is something else entirely. To permanently change your body that way, to agree to the potential risks that all surgical procedures have seems to me to be done either out of vanity or insecurity. A person who is truly happy with who they are, who truly loves themselves, won't feel the need to surgically alter their body.

    Losing weight is different as it's more about being healthy and for most people, doesn't involve the risk of infection or death that surgery does. Losing weight has the added benefit of reducing the risks of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Cosmetic surgery doesn't have any benefits that simply learning to love and be happy with yourself has.

    And as far as makeup goes, I have mixed feelings. As I've gotten older I've started wearing less and less and now that I'm a stay at home mom to two little ones I rarely wear it. I constantly get comments from my friends about how great I look with no makeup and how they wish they could look as good. This makes me sad both for them and our society. The cosmetics industry has convinced women that they need makeup in order to look beautiful. It simply isn't true and I wish more women had the courage to be natural. A large part of why I rarely wear makeup, and only wear light makeup when I do, is because I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking she has to wear it in order to be attractive. Even at 2 years old she is incredibly beautiful and I want her to always be as confident as she is now.

    This is all the same stuff previously stated. Its absurd to me that you feel fine and correct judging a woman who wears lipstick or has PS but didn't like when someone judged you (husbands friends saying you are jealous of this women is just a rude and not necessarily true as you saying she must be insecure), what a huge double standard.

    And a blanket statement that the cosmetic industry has convinced ALL women of one belief is just....just plain untrue. Have you ever been able to get all of a certain group of people to believe any one idea? Rarely, as people are all different and you or just looking at them have no idea of their true motivations or feelings.

    You wish women had the courage to be natural? I wish women had the courage to be themselves and not feel the need to put other women and their choices down, whatever those choices my be.

    You want understanding or at least acceptance but there is very little of that for others in your words.

    Good luck with your journey.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Well, like you said before, you have a bias on this issue. And my opinion (not judgement) from a psychological standpoint, is that a person who is happy and confident with who they are and how they look won't seek surgical procedures, and the serious risks that go along with them, to alter themselves.

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