Real friends tell you if you are expanding?
MshelleMar
Posts: 17 Member
Soo ...I meet a friend I haven't seen in several months. After the hugs and kisses...she comments...'Girl, I have to tell you but you've put tonnes of weight on, You look bloated!' ... I think that's all the motivation I needed. Moral of the story? A 'true' friend will not sugar coat the truth...It stings, but it does the job. 
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Replies
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I'm extremely grateful to my wife, for finally telling me I was getting fat (+40 lbs.).0
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I feel like if someone (insultingly or not) says something that implies I'm fat (not in a mean-girls kind of way, but offhand comments and honest advice sort of things), then I need to take it to heart and absorb the advice.0
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I wish someone had done that for me. By the time I found out, I was HUGE!! That's when I knew I had to get off my fat *kitten* and do something about it. Ek!0
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I feel completely opposite to most people in this thread so far. I would NOT have ever wanted a friend or family member to say something like that to me. I would have taken it WAY too much to heart and it would have upset me very deeply and probably had the opposite effect! Just NO.
I recognize that some people are very different though.
Also, maybe it's because I have always been so big (chubby kid and obese since age 16)? It's like "yep I am fat, what else is new?!" Perhaps my view would be different if I had been a normal weight individual and then let my weight get out of hand. I dunno.0 -
Absolutely the same for me. I always knew I was overweight. Being told about it never made me lose weight, only feel worse. Feeling worse never made me do anything about it. It surprises me that so many people seem not to know they've gained weight unless someone tells them.I feel completely opposite to most people in this thread so far. I would NOT have ever wanted a friend or family member to say something like that to me. I would have taken it WAY too much to heart and it would have upset me very deeply and probably had the opposite effect! Just NO.0 -
Absolutely the same for me. I always knew I was overweight. Being told about it never made me lose weight, only feel worse. Feeling worse never made me do anything about it. It surprises me that so many people seem not to know they've gained weight unless someone tells them.I feel completely opposite to most people in this thread so far. I would NOT have ever wanted a friend or family member to say something like that to me. I would have taken it WAY too much to heart and it would have upset me very deeply and probably had the opposite effect! Just NO.
Yep. Same here. Been fat forever. Always had friends that tried to "help" but it only gave me reason to get mad and eat junk food while crying. The change that I have made so far has had to come from within. No external source was going to be enough to make me change my life, especially not a comment like "You have gained a TON of weight."0 -
Ehhh...I don't think that's accurate. Maybe if the person asks....I would NEVER tell my friend without her asking that she's gained weight. I'd assume she already knows and wouldn't want to add salt to the wound.0
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I disagree. Fat people know they are fat. Being shamed into weight loss is not a good thing in my opinion.
Of course, my opinion shouldn't (and doesn't) matter outside of my personal experience. I know I'm fat...it doesn't help when people call me fat.0 -
I feel completely opposite to most people in this thread so far. I would NOT have ever wanted a friend or family member to say something like that to me. I would have taken it WAY too much to heart and it would have upset me very deeply and probably had the opposite effect! Just NO.
I recognize that some people are very different though.
Also, maybe it's because I have always been so big (chubby kid and obese since age 16)? It's like "yep I am fat, what else is new?!" Perhaps my view would be different if I had been a normal weight individual and then let my weight get out of hand. I dunno.
true story. I was fat from when I was born....came out at nearly 12 pounds and it was all downhill from there. I don't see it when I look in a mirror but I think I might actually be smaller now that I was even in highschool since my old (ugly) prom dress seems to be too big now.0 -
Quoting myself here to comment on those who don''t want to be told of their condition.I'm extremely grateful to my wife, for finally telling me I was getting fat (+40 lbs.).
I was always slim and trim, until about the age of 56, when my wife made me realize I was moving toward obese.
Yep.....I had to buy larger clothes that fit.
Yep.....My stamina at physical exertion was declining.
Yep.....I saw the muffin top in the mirror.
I am a competent observer and analyst. Yet, while I saw the changes that indicated I was getting fat, I didn't "realize" that I wass getting fat. It took someone else to make me realize the reality.
Reality often sucks, especially when it is presented to you and you "objectively" realize the reality of what is presented.
If my boat is sinking, I want somebody to let me know so I can take corrective action, as I might not know it is sinking yet.
If my eating behavior is going to impact my health and fitness, I want somebody to let me know that, as I may not know it.
My feelings are much less important to me than my perception of reality. If I don't yet know what reality is, I might make bad decisions.0 -
I wonder if (as has been suggested already) the difference lies between those who have always been overweight/obese, and those for whom the weight has crept on over the years after a long time at a healthy weight. Maybe for the latter group, being "fat" isn't something they associate with themselves, isn't something that has become part of their identity, so they don't have such an emotional reaction to it being pointed out. It's not personal.
Quoting myself here to comment on those who don''t want to be told of their condition.I'm extremely grateful to my wife, for finally telling me I was getting fat (+40 lbs.).
I was always slim and trim, until about the age of 56, when my wife made me realize I was moving toward obese.
Yep.....I had to buy larger clothes that fit.
Yep.....My stamina at physical exertion was declining.
Yep.....I saw the muffin top in the mirror.
I am a competent observer and analyst. Yet, while I saw the changes that indicated I was getting fat, I didn't "realize" that I wass getting fat. It took someone else to make me realize the reality.
Reality often sucks, especially when it is presented to you and you "objectively" realize the reality of what is presented.
If my boat is sinking, I want somebody to let me know so I can take corrective action, as I might not know it is sinking yet.
If my eating behavior is going to impact my health and fitness, I want somebody to let me know that, as I may not know it.
My feelings are much less important to me than my perception of reality. If I don't yet know what reality is, I might make bad decisions.
For someone who is obese from childhood, that knowledge is part of every day existence, and core self esteem is often intertwined with that identity. It's then potentially far more hurtful to be told something that they not only already know, but use to beat themselves up with every time they step in front of a mirror, see themselves in a photo or catch a glimpse in a window. Dunno, just thinking out loud really...0 -
I was under the impression you never told people they gained weight because they knew it already.0
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I can't see it going well for most people if they told a good friend that they're fat. Similarly, if you asked a good friend if you're fat, they're gonna tell you that you're not.0
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I wish my friends had done this for me.0
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I wouldn't want to be told that, especially from someone i care about. Maybe if i brought it up and was looking for an honest answer then that would be different but i don't think it should be brought up by someone else because it can be a really touchy subject.0
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i finally had a talk with my best friend that WE were both gaining weight. she took heed to the conversation and knew that it was love and not hurt that was telling her the truth. but when i told her weeks prior to the conversation that i was gaining... she was like NOOO your just bloated, you cant tell... really you weight that much it doesnt look like it. so i finally told her shut up dont lie dont sugar coat... !!! its hard to have that convo but be very appreciative that someone is there to tell you the truth!!!!0
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I wish someone would've told me back when I was like 280lbs... Hey, you might want to lay off the donuts and start taking a walk here and there. Sometimes you have to be told point blank!
At first the truth will piss you off; then it will set you free!!0 -
I was under the impression you never told people they gained weight because they knew it already.
Me too, I was painfully aware of every pound and size gained. It embarrassed me deeply when someone pointed it out, I had health issues that contributed to it and didn't want to explain, and when I did try to explain, I felt like I was apologizing for getting bigger.
The comments felt like pressure to me, like I wasn't meeting expectations, and fueled my disorder eating, which didn't help my health, so any weight loss was unsustainable.0 -
AMen to this; I appreciate honesty!0
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Your out load thinking makes sense to me.I wonder if (as has been suggested already) the difference lies between those who have always been overweight/obese, and those for whom the weight has crept on over the years after a long time at a healthy weight. Maybe for the latter group, being "fat" isn't something they associate with themselves, isn't something that has become part of their identity, so they don't have such an emotional reaction to it being pointed out. It's not personal.
For someone who is obese from childhood, that knowledge is part of every day existence, and core self esteem is often intertwined with that identity. It's then potentially far more hurtful to be told something that they not only already know, but use to beat themselves up with every time they step in front of a mirror, see themselves in a photo or catch a glimpse in a window. Dunno, just thinking out loud really...0 -
I wonder if (as has been suggested already) the difference lies between those who have always been overweight/obese, and those for whom the weight has crept on over the years after a long time at a healthy weight. Maybe for the latter group, being "fat" isn't something they associate with themselves, isn't something that has become part of their identity, so they don't have such an emotional reaction to it being pointed out. It's not personal.
Quoting myself here to comment on those who don''t want to be told of their condition.I'm extremely grateful to my wife, for finally telling me I was getting fat (+40 lbs.).
I was always slim and trim, until about the age of 56, when my wife made me realize I was moving toward obese.
Yep.....I had to buy larger clothes that fit.
Yep.....My stamina at physical exertion was declining.
Yep.....I saw the muffin top in the mirror.
I am a competent observer and analyst. Yet, while I saw the changes that indicated I was getting fat, I didn't "realize" that I wass getting fat. It took someone else to make me realize the reality.
Reality often sucks, especially when it is presented to you and you "objectively" realize the reality of what is presented.
If my boat is sinking, I want somebody to let me know so I can take corrective action, as I might not know it is sinking yet.
If my eating behavior is going to impact my health and fitness, I want somebody to let me know that, as I may not know it.
My feelings are much less important to me than my perception of reality. If I don't yet know what reality is, I might make bad decisions.
For someone who is obese from childhood, that knowledge is part of every day existence, and core self esteem is often intertwined with that identity. It's then potentially far more hurtful to be told something that they not only already know, but use to beat themselves up with every time they step in front of a mirror, see themselves in a photo or catch a glimpse in a window. Dunno, just thinking out loud really...
So much this! At first I NEEDED to gain weight because I was way underfat, and I did. Then the 15-20lbs that I needed (seriously), turned into 50 which was really NOT necessary. I still saw myself as thin though, and I never realized when I got to the happy medium point and then started to go past it. I would have been seriously upset if someone had pointed it out (not crying into a bowl of ice cream upset, but definitely defensive and angry), but it also probably would have opened my eyes and led me to changing sooner.
All that being said, I would NEVER tell a friend/family member that he/she was fat unless they asked. I would tentatively answer if asked, depending on the situation.0 -
You are so right! Since I gave birth to my 4th child in May 2012 I have lost a good 30lbs. My husband tells me now more then he ever did how sexy I am. I just wish he would've told me before that I was getting fat. Well good luck on your journey!0
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I think if you already are in the mind set that you need to get your body into shape, there's no problem with friends or family being real and telling you that you put on the extra lbs... at least then you will be inclined to push yourself harder to get fit. I jokingly scolded my husband for not telling me that I gained weight. I would have rather him tell me straight up, "babe you are gaining weight..." instead he didn't want to insult me, kept it to himself, and the fact I could feel his hands trying to grab a part of my waist that wasn't infested with fat was more insulting! (sorry tmi, but goes to show subtlety isn't always great either.)
But I feel for the others who commented that too much honesty, especially without any tact, can actually be very demotivating.0 -
Friend or not, I would absolutely NOT welcome unsolicited opinions.0
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It obviously varies between person to person, it just seems that most of us had friends/family that were clueless as to how we felt, how we would react or what we needed. :P0
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How can you (not op but in general) not know that you are getting bigger?? There are mirrors and scales and even the fit of your clothes will let you know that you are getting bigger. Friends don't have to tell friends if they are big or getting big. They either know or are in denial.0
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I didn't notice I was getting bigger because I see myself everyday. Every day I look the same. It's very hard to tell that you're expanding even when your clothes are fitting tighter, you just think it's because you're growing or that your clothes are shrinking (as weird as that may sound). It's not that we're in denial but more of unaware or it's just not something that we think about on a daily basis. It is that moment of realization that you finally take a second look in the mirror and you think to yourself, "That's me?! What the hell happened?!" that makes you finally realize that you've let yourself go. At least that's how it was for me.How can you (not op but in general) not know that you are getting bigger?? There are mirrors and scales and even the fit of your clothes will let you know that you are getting bigger. Friends don't have to tell friends if they are big or getting big. They either know or are in denial.0 -
Haha I tell you, I was pissed...But she was right..0
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Thank you
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Story of my life 0
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