Friends not supportive?

harley_rose
harley_rose Posts: 236
in Motivation and Support
I have been on MFP back in 2011/2012 and I am back..Hi y'all...but my subject here is my friend not supportive.

I have a close friend of 18 yrs that says I am obsessing over my calories and working out. I am trying to get back to a Normal BMI, so I am watching my calories (going over some days) and working out two days on, one day off, my workout consist of 5 minute treadmill with incline of 10 and speed of 3.3, then 5 minutes of weights training target two muscle groups, then back to treadmill for 5 with the same setting. I do this for 50 minutes now..

The problem here is my friend thinks I am over doing it, when in the past two months I have lost 12lbs which is only average of 6lbs per month.

She got the lap band on her stomach to which her doctor informed her he will not tighten again until she starts working out and eating properly. Yet she is judging me on doing MFP.

Does anyone else have friends like this? How do you handle them?
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Replies

  • MysteriousMerlin
    MysteriousMerlin Posts: 2,270 Member
    It sounds like jealousy on her part. She's seeing your success and the results of your hard work, and probably hasn't seen that much on her end.

    I have one friend who had the same thing, but she only lost 45lbs. She's gained that back and then some. I don't talk about what I'm doing on here with her anymore, because it feels like she belittles the success I've had so far by just watching my calories. She comes up with a dozen excuses as to why she can't do the same. I just don't have these conversations with certain people anymore.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Nope I don't keep negative people around me. Better for my mental health.
  • Efflictim
    Efflictim Posts: 147 Member
    Pure jealousy. Surround yourself with positives not negatives.
  • LosingItForGood13
    LosingItForGood13 Posts: 182 Member
    Negativity I don't deal with too well sounds like your friend is mad at your weight loss and if the doc is telling her to get her butt in the gym then she needs to be right there beside you supporting instead of saying something about your workout schedule really smh
  • rjordan1985
    rjordan1985 Posts: 11 Member
    Try your best to be positive, motivational, inspirational and hope it rubs off :)
  • My0WNinspiration
    My0WNinspiration Posts: 1,146 Member
    Get rid of her.
  • journey_man
    journey_man Posts: 110 Member
    Limit your discussions of the subject with her.
  • DoingitWell
    DoingitWell Posts: 560 Member
    Break up.
  • Erin_goBrahScience
    Erin_goBrahScience Posts: 1,215 Member
    Generally speaking I don't talk about my fitness or nutrition with friends. If they make a comment or ask, I am more than happy but I don't lead off conversations about it.

    I have dealt with the unsupportive friend. The one that directly tries to sabotage you, the one that talks down your efforts. It's never actually about you its really about them. They don't want you to change because they don't want to change or see things lacking in themselves.

    It's hard but sometimes you just have to go at it alone. Remind yourself that what you are doing is for you and *kitten* the rest of the world. Don't seek approval just do what makes you the happiest and the healthiest (inside and out).

    Your friends and family will just have to fall in line. But if you wait for them to get onboard you may be waiting forever.
  • lbigham1
    lbigham1 Posts: 132
    Someone very close to me once told me I was insecure because I count calories. Lol! Whuuuuuttttt???

    Anyway, there will always be people who have negative things to say about the positive things you are doing in your life. You just have to keep doing what you do for YOU and allow others to have their opinions (you can't change that). It is, however, your choice whether or not those people will remain in your circle.
  • DeltaZero
    DeltaZero Posts: 1,197 Member
    Step 1: Delete non-supportive friends from MFP, this isn't facebook.

    Step 2: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

    Step 3: Don't adhere to BMI
  • megan1869
    megan1869 Posts: 166 Member
    lap band = weight loss cheating as far as I'm concerned!
  • Linasanz83
    Linasanz83 Posts: 11 Member
    it sounds like she is probably wishing she could have been more discipline in her health like you are. instead she took the surgery road. thats her struggle. don't let that affect you even thought u care for her. just focus on your goal. just say u appreciate her concern but ur working on being a ninja and thats how you are going to reach the healthy weight you want. you have friends here who understand you so talk to us. we have your back :)
  • dczebiniak
    dczebiniak Posts: 14 Member
    Hi, Welcome back. I just came back myself. Just agree to disagree with her and then find a different supposrt system. I dont have that many friends but the ones I have are supportive!!
  • lewismommy4
    lewismommy4 Posts: 2
    Definetly a jealousy issue which is very sad. Just because she has been a close friend for 18 years doesn't mean she is a true one. Surround yourself with positivity! Good luck!
  • rennacoco
    rennacoco Posts: 25
    unfortunately, a lot of people out there are like this. personally, i don't have any friends like this, but one of my close friends is dealing with a situation similar to this. in my opinion, i think people like this are jealous. they are upset at themselves because THEY can't put in the hard work and because of that they express it negatively towards those who are putting in the work. it's jealousy. brush it off.
  • lewismommy4
    lewismommy4 Posts: 2
    Agreed!!
  • srcardinal10
    srcardinal10 Posts: 387 Member
    Try your best to be positive, motivational, inspirational and hope it rubs off :)

    ^^^this.

    Depending on what the nature of the friendship is, it might be time to distance yourself too. You don't negative people in your life when you're clearly making such positive strides. You're eating well (hopefully) and exercising. "Athletes eat and train. They don't diet and exercise." Keep that in mind and enjoy your transformation.
  • harley_rose
    harley_rose Posts: 236
    Thanks for the responses, I guess I never thought she would be jealous but she very well could be. I guess since we talk about everything I thought I could with the weight loss and exercise.

    She was a friend on MFP, but since deleted her.
  • Bebubble
    Bebubble Posts: 938 Member
    I think you have been friends for 18 years is a long time. I bet she cares about you, this might be a way she is showing it. And she might just be a bit jealous of you. After all she has had to resort to surgery. It is truly no one business as to how you lose weight or even if you do so. Just as it is with gaining weight. I do not know you or her. But maybe you speak of your work out, weight loss a lot. Try not to mention it any more. Make new friends that you can talk "work out" with! If she brings it up. Change the subject. Or try and encourage her to work with you, not against you.
  • jennifer_a00
    jennifer_a00 Posts: 186 Member
    I think that over time you figure out who you can talk to about losing weight. Some people get jealous, and others will be happy and excited for you. Just don't talk about it with the jealous ones.
  • CaliforniaAJ
    CaliforniaAJ Posts: 196 Member
    I have a friend who is quite a bit older than me (I am 43, she is 71) and she said I drive her crazy when I talk about paying attention to what I eat and working out. I don't go on about it, but it might come up in conversation.

    There are certainly many things about her that drive me crazy too, but I love her dearly and they are part of her character, so I don't say anything.

    One day her husband mentioned to me that when she was in her 30's she was crazy into yoga and went off to study with some guru etc.

    I brought this up with her and asked her why she was so hard on me, when I was only doing the things she did. Shouldn't I live my life my way, make my own mistakes and successes......

    This really made her think, and now she understands much better who I am and what I am doing.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that my friend didn't have the best time in that phase of her life, and thought that by trying to put me off, she was protecting me.

    Unsupportive friends, in my experience, are that way because they are normally envious of the progress you are making and where you are in your life. It happens at any time there is an inequality in a friendship. (Nicer house, newer car, dishy husband, etc).

    You can explain to her how you feel, or you can ignore it. Just make the judgement whether she is important to you as a friend or not.
  • professormudd1
    professormudd1 Posts: 59
    I think what it boils down to for those types of people is this:

    They see you doing the right thing with self-discipline and consistency where they were unable to or refused attain that level of self control. As such, they see you succeeding and subconsciously they feel like you are rubbing it in their face that they were wrong/lazy/incompetent/intimidated/etc. They may not be directly offended, but inside, they see you achieving your goals in a way that does not validate their own position, so they try to tear you down. I believe the simplified way of saying this is: "Haters gon' hate".

    This is something I realized about how I percieved others' successes and examined myself very thoroughly to determine the source of my resentment. After I came to terms with it, I was able to be inspired rather than intimidated.
  • a036618
    a036618 Posts: 8 Member
    She's projecting her own short-comings and insecurities, and sure... jealousy is likely part of it. I doubt that she is even aware of what is motivating her behavior and isn't intending to be mean spirited and is likely afraid of losing your friendship. This happens more often than not in long term relationships where both people are engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle (rather it be obesity, drug/alcohol addiction, etc) and then one person goes and changes and the other is left feeling scared of being alone. This really is your journey and no one elses, much the same as her journey is her own. It's disappointing when the people we care about don't give us the support that we anticipate receiving. I think you should be straight forward with her and tell her that you are excited about the path that you are on, toward a healthier and more fit lifestyle and that you hope that she can be supportive of that because if she chooses to be critical and judgmental that you will need to take a step back from your friendship.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    Nope I don't keep negative people around me. Better for my mental health.

    dat's right gurl.
  • drusilla126
    drusilla126 Posts: 478 Member
    People are just jealous because you are taking the steps to make your life better while they are still lost in their sad little world of sitting around making excuses for themselves. Trust me. I lost 100 pounds very much on my own and had so many people trying to detract from my success. My relationship with my mother fell apart as I neared my goal weight. Over Christmas she finally admitted what I knew was happening: she was jealous/envious of my success and too scared to make the changes herself.
  • wrenegade64
    wrenegade64 Posts: 410 Member
    Sounds to me like you need to re-evaluate your "friend" status with this individual. No two people are alike and opinions are like rectums (everyone has one). I would venture to say that this person doesn't really mean you any harm per say, but if her thought process and philosophy is clashing with yours, I thnk you should seriously reconsider your status with this person.

    Weightloss and changing your lifestyle for YOUR health is a process and not one to be taken lightly. There are plenty of negative forces out there anyway and you surely don't need any more complied on top of that, especially in the form of a "friend". Not to pass judgement on your friend, just saying they have their opinion and you have yours and you need to do what you need to do for you. Everything they are doing for themself could be perfectly fine for them but like I said, you wake up every morning in your body, not theirs. This forum is WONDERFUL and you won't be lacking support here, so feel free to me and consider consulting folks who specialize in fitness as opposed to someone who just wants to give you an opinion and make you have doubts :-)
  • p4ulmiller
    p4ulmiller Posts: 588 Member
    Nope I don't keep negative people around me. Better for my mental health.

    /thread
  • thesupremeforce
    thesupremeforce Posts: 1,206 Member
    She might not be jealous. I'd guess that you make it more difficult for her to justify to herself not working out (since she's supposed to be, but isn't). It's still a bad thing, but it wouldn't be jealousy. She doesn't wish that she was more like you. She wishes that you were more like her. A lot of people are hostile toward motivated people.
  • bentondogs
    bentondogs Posts: 1
    I call them diet haters!!! I have some of the greatest friends, we do alot together. We eat together alot.One might say its not going to hurt to eat buffet, you need to get off once in a while.NO BUFFET.Its like putting drugs in front of a addict.When we go out I do make better choices.Just tell them this is what i need to do.Ask them to work out with you,I did that one of my friends said,"are you crazy"!Just keep doing what you do,and you will feel better and look great.I will be here to say you go girl!

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