How to help the Boyfriend start this journey...
rskidmore
Posts: 212
My boyfriend is 309 lbs. When I met him 6 1/2 years ago he was around the 240 lb mark and while he was by no means thin, he looked a lot better and was a lot healthier and he felt a lot better about himself because of it. Since then we have moved to a different province, gone to school, finished school, and are now working. He works as a cook at a restuarant (he's training to become a chef) and while his passion is food, it's not necessarily healthy food. He expresses the desire to eat better and exercise, however he doesn't DO it. He makes excuses that he can't afford a gym, that we can't afford healthy food, that he gets really hungry when he does portion control. How can I make him see that it's not as hard as he thinks it is and get him on the bandwagon? So far I've just been trying to lead by example by exercising and eating better and telling him what I'm doing so that he's informed, but it doesn't seem to be helping him. I want to marry him and have kids with him someday and I want him to be around when they grow up! He needs to establish good eating habits so that that can happen! Any help would be appreciated. 
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If he doesn't want to do it for himself then you will have a really hard time motivating him. Maybe try working out with him. I would definitely keep encouraging him, but the best encouragement would be to lose weight yourself and show him how big of an impact this lifestyle change can be.0
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You can lead a man to water but you can make him drink. It's got to be something he wants to do and no amount of poking or prodding will make him do it. My best advise is to lead by example and if he asks questions just help guide him. I went through years before I had to come to my own decision. Good Luck!0
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you can't make someone want to do this. My boyfriend started this awhile ago. He told me all about his workouts and his schmancy HRM and I said "uh huh, wow, that's great". and i meant it. I was happy for him. I supported him and tried to encourage him to go work out instead of stay home with me in bed
he never pushed me to do the same. He continued loving me for me. Overweight and not active. He sent me an invitation for this site that sat in my email inbox unopened for 3 weeks. One day....I just decided to see what it was about. So I joined. I wasn't even serious about it then. But I spent some time reading the forums and spent a whole afternoon looking at the success stories section and here I am.
I went from not working out AT.ALL. to having a gym membership and working out at least 6 days a week! I had to make that decision myself. The only thing that my boyfriend did that helped me get to this point, was to love me unconditionally.0 -
I saw a similar post yesterday and I have to agree with most of what was said then... you can't make someone do this. He has to want this for himself. I sometimes think about how much work this is for me - I can't do that for someone else too! And I would venture a guess that something like this could eventually lead to sore feelings depending on how intense of a person you are - he might start to feel "nagged" or something like that.... and you will be frustrated too.
Some of the good suggestions I saw yesterday were to keep plenty of healthy foods around the house - offer to do as much of the cooking as you can, maybe even offer to pack his lunches for him and pack them full of great foods. Initiate activities like walking/hiking/etc. together - and if he says he doesn't want to go - you still should, maybe he will realize that in order to be with you, he will have to do some more active things.
And obviously, be a great example. If you keep on a healthy lifestyle, you eat well, lose weight and enjoy doing it, he may want to someday too. But until then, just love him for who he is.
HTH - Good luck to you!
J0 -
tell him the s3x is getting bad?
I mean... if you really want to stir the pot and get him motivated...
Maybe if other guys start showing you attention, he will get the picture and get crackin'...
These suggestions are offered in jest, but hey.. if they work, good for you!0 -
You can't MAKE him change, stop trying. You end up being a nag. he ends up sneaking food because he can't eat around your disapproving eye.
When anyone wants to lose weight, they need to do it on their terms. It is the only way it stays off. He can to it for you, but he has to WANT to do it for you, not because of you. See the difference?
Ultimately you need to decide if his current weight is a deal breaker. Worst case scenario. Excuses are just that. he isn't ready.0 -
You can lead a man to water but you can make him drink. It's got to be something he wants to do and no amount of poking or prodding will make him do it. My best advise is to lead by example and if he asks questions just help guide him. I went through years before I had to come to my own decision. Good Luck!
I agree! If he doesn't want to do it, he is not going to do it! Even though he might say he will do it, he will sneak food not when he is not around you, and then it will become an issue otherwise.
One thing I have found is that my husband LOVES going to the gym, and once he started going he wanted to improve and continue going... Maybe you can budget for a gym membership, even if it's not a big fancy gym... I know here we have a gym that is $20.00 a month... and you get unlimited access to any of their gyms and a free guest everytime you go (if you go together then you can save a membership)... Maybe you can find a gym you can afford!0 -
The CDC says, "American society has become 'obesogenic,' characterized by environments that promote increased food intake, nonhealthful foods, and physical inactivity." Overweight people are twice as likely to develop type 2 diabetes as people who are not overweight. Nearly 80 percent of patients with noninsulin-dependent diabetes mellitus are obese. Overweight men are at greater risk for developing cancer of the colon, rectum, and prostate. Gallbladder disease and gallstones are more common if you are overweight. Your risk of disease increases as your weight increases. Osteoarthritis is a common joint disorder that most often affects the joints in your knees, hips, and lower back. Extra weight puts extra pressure on these joints and wears away the cartilage. Sleep apnea is a serious condition that can cause a person to stop breathing for short periods during sleep and to snore heavily. The risk for sleep apnea increases with higher body weights. Weight loss can improve your cholesterol levels. Obese adults are twice as likely to have high blood pressure as those who are at a healthy weight. Obese people often face prejudice or discrimination at work, at school, while looking for a job, and in social situations. Workdays lost related to obesity: $39.3 million. Physician office visits related to obesity: $62.7 million. Restricted activity days related to obesity: $239.0 million. Bed-days related to obesity: $89.5 million.
All of this might sound cold and heartless but they are some facts. He says you guys can't afford a gym membership or exercise equipment but I think that you should ask him if he can afford not to have it. As a health-care worker I have seen how excess weight can ruin knees and hips. I want to be able to enjoy the last third of my life as must as I enjoyed the first two thirds and not shuffling around bent over a walker or confined to an electric scooter.
As others have said, you can't make him do this. He needs to decide for himself. That's what I had to do. He just needs to look around and decide what quality of life he'd like to have.0 -
Honestly.....give him the proper incentives.....:devil: :devil: :smooched: :smooched: :smooched: :blushing: Speaking from experience, if my wife wants me to do something that I am not really into doing, a little promissed
will make me see the light. Garenteed to work on all men. 0 -
Thanks everyone for your opinions. Just to clarify, I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, obviously if someone isn't ready then they're not going to do it. However, I do want to encourage him in the right direction. Ultimately he will have to make the decision himself, and I know that, but I want to help him get started because it's almost as if he's overwhelmed by the idea and he has no idea where to start.0
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Honestly.....give him the proper incentives.....:devil: :devil: :smooched: :smooched: :smooched: :blushing: Speaking from experience, if my wife wants me to do something that I am not really into doing, a little promissed will make me see the light. Garenteed to work on all men.
Lol. Tried it, this incentive only lasts for so long with him before he gets frustrated.0 -
I agree with most of what has been said. I might add that you should make sure he knows that you don't need a gym to exercise. I did the C25K program over the summer - going from never running more than 30 seconds at a time to jogging for an entire half hour! I found that I LOVE jogging/walking outside. I don't know where you live, but in my area there are enough nice days during the fall/winter to keep up outdoor activity. You can start by asking him to go on walks with you. Maybe pick out an at-home workout dvd that he would be willing to do with you?
If he says no and keeps making excuses, there's not much you can do... but these are a few ideas.0 -
Why does he get frustrated?0
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You can't help anyone, but....
I started my diet January of 2009. Tried to get my wife involved. She wasn't ready to start. I just kept on my path and had lost 47 lbs by May 2010. After watching me, my wife finally started eating healthier. Since May of 2010, I have gained over 20 lbs abck, but my wife has now lost 40 lbs and is doing great.
All you can do is lead by example.0 -
tell him the s3x is getting bad?
I mean... if you really want to stir the pot and get him motivated...
Maybe if other guys start showing you attention, he will get the picture and get crackin'...
These suggestions are offered in jest, but hey.. if they work, good for you!
Ohh buddy either that or you would find out weather he really cared?0 -
Sounds like your boyfriend is an awful lot like me in the weight department... So I tried to think what got me to decide to start loosing weight and exercising again.
I was in a rut, and very unhappy about myself and my appearance, my wife had even mentioned to me about the idea of being there for my kids... but it was really not enough to give me that final shove. One day at a meeting a co-worker who I am not particularly close with handed me a slip of paper with this website written on it.... It hit me then, it was time to do something about it for me!
The best thing you can do is just do your best to eat healthy and exercise. Be certain to leave to workout as he is sitting on the couch watching TV. Since he is working to become a chef maybe start making some low calorie dishes and asking his input for them.... more then likely he will catch on and start to join you....
Or you can offer to get another girl for a threesome if he looses 100lbs... :blushing:0 -
I really only have 2 comments in response....
1 - You can't ever really motivate someone else. You can provide them the tools to motivate themselves and support on their path, but it's the individuals choice. Either he wants to lose the weight or he doesn't, and until he makes a decision to improve, there is nothing you can do but add stress to the relationship. While you can't make him get motivated, you can lead by example. Either he will choose to follow your good example and join you on your journey to a healthier life, or he won't. In the end, the decision is his and his alone. That can be very frustrating to accept, but the sooner you do, the better off you'll be.
2 - Please - and I don't mean this in a negative or hurtful way - but you need to accept the fact that you cannot change a person regardless of how much you love them. You sound like you have a lot of dreams for the two of you, yet you also seem to have a desire for your man to change himself. He will not change for you. No one ever does, and believing that love will make it happen is a false belief.. People only change for themselves. None of the suggestions on here will amount to any long term changes. The only way for that to happen is for your guy to make the choice for himself. If he makes it just to make you happy, he will eventually fail. If he makes it just to maintain a stress-free household, he will fail. If he makes it just to maintain intimacy, he will fail. He has to make the choice for himself or he has no chance of success.
Those are 2 very difficult things to accept. I spent years in counseling to finally see the light that love will not conquer all. It takes commitment on both sides and lots of hard work, and the willingness of both parties to improve specific pieces of a relationship. If your guy isn't on the same page as you, all you can do is what's best for you and hope he eventually wakes up and gets with the program. I would suggest you tell him the same things you wrote in your post about your dreams for the future. If you clearly communicate your dreams and he still doesn't make any efforts, you've got a clear answer about his willingness to live up to those hopes and desires for your shared future.0 -
Just another suggestion... people like rewards! And I'm not talking about the "rewards" everyone else is talking about! lol. Something like a movie that he wants, or a place he's been wanting to go... when my wife and I first got serious about getting healthier, we would do this. Every week that we stayed consistent with exercising and eating good, we would go to Best Buy and pick out a movie, or go out to dinner somewhere fun.
I think the hardest thing is getting started. Being asked to change your lifestyle is tough, and commitment is scary. We all have a fear of failure. So maybe try presenting it in a short-term for him. Instead of "get healthy so one day when we get married and have kids you'll be around", maybe try "just try this WITH ME for one month, and if you like it keep going, if not I won't bug you anymore". That gives him a short-term, attainable goal, and lets him know you're leaving the decision up to him. Men like that kind of stuff
Keep leading by example. Don't nag him, as this will only push him away further. Support him. Hope for the best!!
-Justin0 -
Honestly.....give him the proper incentives.....:devil: :devil: :smooched: :smooched: :smooched: :blushing: Speaking from experience, if my wife wants me to do something that I am not really into doing, a little promissed will make me see the light. Garenteed to work on all men.
Lol. Tried it, this incentive only lasts for so long with him before he gets frustrated.
Well........you do need to let him have insentive ....right?0 -
I really only have 2 comments in response....
1 - You can't ever really motivate someone else. You can provide them the tools to motivate themselves and support on their path, but it's the individuals choice. Either he wants to lose the weight or he doesn't, and until he makes a decision to improve, there is nothing you can do but add stress to the relationship. While you can't make him get motivated, you can lead by example. Either he will choose to follow your good example and join you on your journey to a healthier life, or he won't. In the end, the decision is his and his alone. That can be very frustrating to accept, but the sooner you do, the better off you'll be.
I completely disagree. You absolutely can motivate someone else. My wife's success and weight loss worked for me. It was a living Before and After story playing out before my very eyes and her transformation was amazing.
I guarantee if Rskidmore is successful It will go a long way to motivate boyfriend but one thing is true he has to be emotionally connected for it to mean anything to him. If he doesn't see your struggle and the success you had then it may not affect him.0 -
My fiance has been doing the same thing... complaining about being overweight, but not really doing anything. He claimed that he was hungry all the time when he ate reasonable portions, and that healthier food tasted bad, and that he doesn't have the time to exercise.
The best thing you can do is start to chip away at the excuses slowly. Show him that healthy food is actually cheaper than junk food. I can buy a 1.5 kilo bag of pre-washed, pre-cut broccoli at Costco for $4.50. Heck of a lot cheaper than an equivalent weight in chips! Fresh veggies, fruit and home-prepared food are always cheaper and more flavourful than pre-made junk. My guy has been coming around to the idea of broccoli and low-fat sour cream dip or an apple as a snack. He can eat the entire bag of broccoli (LOL) if he's really that hungry, and it's still less than 500 calories. Make sure there are lots of low-density calorie foods like fruits and veggies around the house. Have salad before you eat dinner. Lots of it. Legumes like beans, lentils and quinoa are filling and inexpensive compared to meat. We actually use them to stretch our meat further.
For exercise, he doesn't need a gym. We put away a tiny bit of money every month until we could buy an elliptical on sale. A set of dumbbells or exercise bands is really cheap. Most of our exercise comes from walking together, because we can schedule it in together and it eliminates the "no time, no money" excuse. If you don't like walking in your neighbourhood, drive somewhere else (like we do, because we live in a scary part of town). If it's raining, go walk in the mall... just don't buy anything!
I know you can't force someone to exercise and eat healthy, but he's expressed the wish. Ask him if he really wants to do it, and warn him that he has to go along with your suggestions if he wants the help. That's what we've done, and it's working so far.0 -
You know that S3X is great exercise right?
I don't think you need to talk about it all that much because he may view it as nagging or as if you are unsatisfied with him which may hurt him and his confidence.
If you're the one making dinner, you can make healthier food and he'll realise how much he likes it without even realising.
Ask him to come for a romantic walk with you...
Your habits will most likely rub off on him a little. Then he may lose a few pounds and see how amazing you're looking and decide to put the effort in himself.
Until then, dont push 'cos you may end up pushing him away xx0 -
Same here. My husband was a cook for many years and when we got together, he was around 230. He's now 250+ and he's moved from XL to XXXL. I like my guys fluffy, but he can still have some cushion and be healthy. I like him the way he is, but it's getting harder to buy clothes for him, and I'm worried about his health. He needs to do something, but he won't do it. He wants an easy way out.0
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