Would you date someone that….

gypsyrose64 · January 2014

This question is more for the guys, but I’ll take anyone’s point of view on the subject.

MY BACKGROUND:

49 yr old, obese(205 lbs currently), divorced(10 yrs ago), kids out of the house(most of the time), and have not been in a relationship or dated in 4+ yrs now. I own a house/property and have a full-time professional cubicle career.

MY SITUATION:

About 3 yrs ago, I was struggling to maintain my house/property and took in a male boarder. He’s a good friend for last 10yrs, and he sleeps on the other side of the house. We've been cohabiting peacefully, with him paying me rent, doing handyman stuff, yard work, etc. He does not date and completely asexual… seriously, long story there but nothing is happening EVER with him. With that said, he’s also a person I’d trust with my life, like a brother. We inadvertently acquired 3 dogs along the way, and sometimes act like an old married couple squabbling over the remote.

MY DILEMMA:

I’m somewhat content with my current living arrangement, as it fills gaps in finances and helps maintain the land I grew up on. I’m not technically “alone”, but do as I please, and have no obligations to him emotionally or otherwise. BUT (always a but), I am pondering putting myself back in the dating scene like online dating, or social groups.

I dropped about 40 lbs last yr counting calories, and have another 40+ to lose. I am nowhere close to feeling good in my skin, but I miss companionship sometimes. He stays to himself a lot. I have GF’s, work, kids, etc… but it would be nice to meet someone I could date. I would be open to a relationship down the road, where our lives integrate more – but I’m NOT tossing out the roommate just because someone is uncomfortable with the idea.

MY QUESTION(S):

# If you were interest enough to date someone, would you turn and run just because they have a boarder of the opposite sex?

# If you were me and putting yourself ‘out there’ again, how soon would you fess up to this tidbit?

# In my shoes (with that limited info), would you even bother making an effort to meet someone?
Or just wait until the other 40 lbs comes off and you feel/look better?

I know it's a lot to read, and I was just looking for general opinions. I'm trying to climb out of a social hole I dug myself into years ago, and possibly removing the invisibility cloak I've been wearing all this time. I'm not sure how to do this with my current living arrangement, and how that would fly.

darkguardian419 · January 2014

Having a room mate has rarely been a deal breaker for me when I was single, except for those occasions where you could just tell there was chemistry...

I would "confess" it in casual conversation, as a "I have a roommate" kind of thing.

I'd talk to people, if they can't accept you while you're bulking, they don't deserve you while you're cutting... metaphorically speaking.

:bigsmile:

dirty_dirty_eater · January 2014

A border isn't a problem.
If you're attached at the hip to the point that I'd have to wonder if we'd get time alone, yea, that'd be a problem.

Also, if you want to be with someone, stop waiting.

Also, also...ask yourself if your border isn't also a convenient way of you avoiding a full range of intimacy by having a male bestie around all the time. You're getting most everything you could want out of a relationship...except sex and commitment...and you're taking none of the risk.

I'm not a shrink, but if any of that rings true, maybe you should talk to one.

odusgolp · January 2014

My man lives with another man. Frankly, it's a turn on.

LSS... You're fine.

AddieOverhaul · January 2014

I have a male roomate who is not asexual...he just does nothing for me. No guy I've dated has had an issue with it (I'm 33 if that helps for context)

gypsyrose64 · January 2014

A border isn't a problem.
If you're attached at the hip to the point that I'd have to wonder if we'd get time alone, yea, that'd be a problem.

Also, if you want to be with someone, stop waiting.

Also, also...ask yourself if your border isn't also a convenient way of you avoiding a full range of intimacy by having a male bestie around all the time. You're getting most everything you could want out of a relationship...except sex and commitment...and you're taking none of the risk.

I'm not a shrink, but if any of that rings true, maybe you should talk to one.

LOL, you have a way of putting it to the point, but yup... you nailed it. I had some raw experiences over the last decade that left me jaded, so I withdrew from the dating scene. I would say this 'substitute' situation has helped me heal over the years, but it's not the real thing. I was thinking about taking a chance again, but a gf told me "no man would understand that and I was wasting my time thinking someone would". I guess she rained on my parade, so I was hoping someone would tell me otherwise.

BTW, we're not connected at the hip - but we do stuff like grocery shop and yard work together because it's easier.

Skrib69 · January 2014

Mmmm, never been in that position from either side of the fence. However, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me so long as you were honest and up front about it. If being honest about it scares a suitor off, you have to question how they would react with a real problem and would you want them (the suitor) around??? You say that you aren't going to throw your lodger out (and why should you?) so the dice are really cast anyway and you might as well just go for it and have some fun!!

wheird · January 2014

You're dateable.

bb_lose_weight · January 2014

One of the reasons I broke up with my last GF was she had a best friend introduced to me as Mike. I didn't have a problem with her best friend because she did tell me about him and they didn't live together but she left out some details. Like she dated Mike for 5 years and they lived together for those 5 years. Mike still dropped by often and would spend the night on the couch sometimes (i didn't believe that) and since Mike and her were close we went to a few "family" events like the superbowl and it was me, mike and her. After the "second" tag along I decided to put an end to that relationship because even thought they both swore there was NO sexual attraction to each other when they were together they were like a married couple telling same stories sharing reading glasses...answering each others phone...it was WAY creepy looking back on it

MorgueBabe · January 2014

A roommate isn't the deal breaker. For me kids are my number 1 deal breaker.

luckydays27 · January 2014

I dont think your roommate situation is a deal breaker. If its as platonic as you say.
The kids are not a deal breaker either.
The 40lbs should not be a reason to keep yourself off the market. From my experiences, men love inner beauty and confidence far more than what the scale says. And besides, its not like you are going to catch the cover of GQ magazine anyway. Not to say that you cant but that cradle robbing and, honestly, not worth the headache. You will find a guy closer to your age who has also lived life. With living life comes a few extra pounds, kids, roommates in hard financial times, and crazy mothers who ... oh wait thats me!

The emotional reasons that you have kept yourself off the market though should be addressed before you allow someone back into your life.

And your friend should be kicked in the head for raining your parade like that.

Get out there and see what you find. But be honest about how you are and what you are looking for. It helps weed out all the guys that you would not be interested in if you are that specific.

gypsyrose64 · January 2014

bb_lose_weigh -- that would be over the top IMHO as well. I'm not saying he/I aren't close, but we have boundaries. I've known him 10yrs, lived together off/on a couple times now, and it really is like a sibling to me. I'm sure the boundaries would expand if someone else was around, but I do see how your experience would have sucked.

@luckydays27 -- emotional reasons for withdrawing were mainly my weight. I had an ex husband rail on me for 10 years about my weight-gain, and it became abusive towards the end. Ditched him in '03 and started dating. Had some guys telling me stupid *kitten* like "I'd keep dating you if you weren't fat" and "you're perfect in every way but your weight". I just gave up on after about the 4th one, who broke it off with me with a parting gift of a diet book. I have come along way in 10 yrs with my esteem, but I won't tolerate bullsh*t from judgmental pricks anymore. I'd like to think guys my age might have grown out of that mindset. ::shrugs::

Guess I'll start sticking my toe in the water and take it lightly.

bearkisses · January 2014

I didn't read it all.

gypsyrose64 · January 2014

I didn't read it all.

Fair enough. It was hard to explain without getting long winded. :frown:

bearkisses · January 2014

I didn't read it all.

Fair enough. It was hard to explain without getting long winded. :frown:

i think if you love yourself others will too and won't care what kind of drama/history you bring

Ed98043 · January 2014

I'd like to think guys my age might have grown out of that mindset. ::shrugs::

They haven't. But as to your original question...I think as long as you explain that he's a roommate and that nothing has ever gone on between you in 10 years despite ample opportunity, any guy that's not a control-freak jealous psycho shouldn't have a problem with it. I worked long hours in a 2-person home office (his home) with a single man about my age for over 10 years and no one ever had issues with it, his dates or mine. As someone else said, as long as he can make himself scarce when it matters, it should be okay.

I'd be curious to see if the roommate might feel a little threatened if you find someone, though. It sounds like he's pretty happy with the status quo.

gypsyrose64 · January 2014

I'd be curious to see if the roommate might feel threatened you find someone, though. It sounds like he's pretty happy with the status quo.

It's possible. My ex hub's second wife left him (go figure) and wanted to reconcile out of desperation. I declined. Roommate was worried I would kick him to the curb over it. We talked. I explained I would not do that without months fair warning, and a good reason tomove on. The ex was not a consideration.

The whole ex thing got me thinking about potential dating scenarios.

Of course that requires effort on my part. I figure I will deal with it, if it comes up. No one likes sudden change, or instability.

Would you date someone that….

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