Help me recover!

jess1992uga · January 2014

So basically I need people with sanity to help me. I am trying to (and have been trying to) recover from anorexia. I had a pretty bad lapse and today was 88.6 lbs..not my lost of 85.8....but still bad seeing as I am 5'7.5". Through a strange turn of events I decided to get back in recovery...not tomorrow...TODAY. I have a nutritionist and a meal plan and all and got back on it. Part of my meal plan involves these jumbo bagels that are high-cal (due to allergies and thyroid issues I can't do protein shakes). This is where I need your help.
When I was in lapse I stocked up on small bagels...ones that weigh way less than should They are supposed to be 143g bagels and these are all in the 120s which is significant when you realize the bagels are 370-380 calories. Now I'm in recovery and wondering should I toss all the small and go to dining hall and get larger ones. Or is that wasteful? Should I just add cals in extra spread to make up for the lower size?
Also...is food hoarding a behavior. Since dining hall does have bagels every day is it weird I have stash of 4 of each flavor in my room. I keep one of each flavor out and store the other 3 in my freezer. It makes me scared if I get less than 3 of each flavor in my freezer. I get scared that what is something happens and I don't have the flavor I want and the dining hall is out or only has huge one. I know this is weird...but I don't know what kind of "stash" would be normal? Some days its hard for me to get to dining hall so I do need to keep some in my room. What would normal be?
Thanks for everything. Feel free to friend me. Also..I have a blog and would love more support there.
http://freedomhunger.blogspot.com

AnnaZimm70 · January 2014

So I know very little about anorexia. However, it seems to me that calories are calories (and calories are clearly what you need if you weigh 88.6 lbs.). Why not just eat two or three of the mini bagels instead of one? Figure out what you need to eat to gain at a health rate and then track the calories just as everyone losing does. It doesn't matter if it is few large items that meet your goal, or many little items -- just make sure you consume enough. I am glad you have a nutritionist. Good luck.

knra_grl · January 2014

So I know very little about anorexia. However, it seems to me that calories are calories (and calories are clearly what you need if you weigh 88.6 lbs.). Why not just eat two or three of the mini bagels instead of one? Figure out what you need to eat to gain at a health rate and then track the calories just as everyone losing does. It doesn't matter if it is few large items that meet your goal, or many little items -- just make sure you consume enough. I am glad you have a nutritionist. Good luck.

yes - add some more "shmear" too - peanut butter, cream cheese or whatever - make an egg sandwich using a bagel. I am glad you are taking steps to recovery - best of luck to you.

jenifr818 · January 2014

Not too familiar with anorexia, but if you're looking to get more calories, can you add cream cheese to the smaller bagels? Peanut butter? As long as you're getting to your calorie goal, I can't imagine it matters if you use small ones or big ones

As far as food hoarding, that sounds like an insecurity issue to me. As long as it's not attracting rodents or smelling bad, eh, no harm no foul. Keep as many as you can, as long as it doesn't affect anyone else or cause critters to come foraging. In the freezer, 3 isn't an issue

jess1992uga · January 2014

Thanks guys. I can't track calories because when I do...it ends poorly. My nutritionist does give me a meal plan based on exchanges and such. I have to do a spread already as part of the cals...guess will just add more of spread. I just wasn't sure whether to do that or just get bigger bagel.
I hope i can eat peanut butter one day soon. I am still so scared to even eat PB2. And can't eat regular cream cheese due to intolerance. And don't eat eggs for personal reasons...but maybe will try some PB2 tonight

jenifr818 · January 2014

Thanks guys. I can't track calories because when I do...it ends poorly. My nutritionist does give me a meal plan based on exchanges and such. I have to do a spread already as part of the cals...guess will just add more of spread. I just wasn't sure whether to do that or just get bigger bagel.
I hope i can eat peanut butter one day soon. I am still so scared to even eat PB2. And can't eat regular cream cheese due to intolerance. And don't eat eggs for personal reasons...but maybe will try some PB2 tonight

Hadn't even thought about issues with tracking calories. I'm glad you have a nutritionist to help out with that stuff :-) if you're intolerant with cream cheese, I'm guessing it's a dairy thing? If so, another idea for food is that you might be able to do is an ice cream made out of ingredients other than milk. Rice Dream makes an awesome vanilla dessert

Good luck!

keem88 · January 2014

hey there. i've been in treatment about 10 weeks, have struggled with anorexia for the last 11 years with many relapses and attempts at recovery.
i would still use those bagels, but spice em up! just add extra to it. a couple tbsp of pb on them bad boys will definiteley get you up where you need to be calorie wise.
as far as the food hoarding, for myself that is something i am trying to break. i am not sure if that is common with anorexics but for myself i have had a stash of hidden food that i never really eat, but have anyway. that's awesome that you have a nutritionist and everything and i wish you the best of luck!

geebusuk · January 2014

The small bagels amused me. Because I'm sure I've done similar but the opposite... chosen the BIGGEST from a selection of food where the MFP entry is just for 'one item' so the calories are based on that.

TODAY is definitely the best day to start. Again, my problems are the other way around, but I'm great at saying "I'll get back on to it Next Monday" or whatever.

Note that pure protein shakes aren't really that high calorie for your information - if anything the opposite - 1 scoop with the recommended water tends to be around 100 calories, but would be a glassful of thickish shake. You do get 'bulking' ones that have carbs in.
On that, if you like milk and don't mind drinking a bit, it's a decent source of protein - but not sure if your allergies come in to play here - I'm intolerant to casein, but can drink milk fine.

As for the bagels - I'd say if it's worrying you, chuck them and get some more. Or just add a bit more to them.
Especially if they're free.

While keeping some food you like aside isn't unusual, I'm afraid I'd say that your justifications do sound a bit 'ED' related.
Certainly I suspect you SHOULDN'T be worrying about size ideally

... On making sure you have a favourite flavour - I can be quite picky with my food - I know one of my issues is that for me I view food too much as more than just sustenance and focus on it too much. Focusing on food, though for different reasons, is often a problem with eating-too-little EDs.

HappyStack · January 2014

All good advice above... I'll also add that if you're intolerant to cow's milk and dairy product derivatives, try goat's cheese and other goat milk products, or sheep's milk products.

Sunka1 · January 2014

I understand that the pb is scary for you at this point. I am not one to suggest much other than whole foods but the protein shake may work or would you consider a fish oil capsule. You may start to feel emotionally better if your brain gets some fats. Good luck sweetie.

geebusuk · January 2014

I understand that the pb is scary for you at this point. I am not one to suggest much other than whole foods but the protein shake may work or would you consider a fish oil capsule. You may start to feel emotionally better if your brain gets some fats. Good luck sweetie.

If have more nutrient dense processed foods, I'd suggest that might be a better way forward.
One of the reasons a lot of 'dieters' go for whole foods is they tend to have a fairly low calorie density - high in water/air, so that you feel fuller when eating the same amount of calories.
I suspect the opposite would be better for the OP.

Sunka1 · January 2014

I understand that the pb is scary for you at this point. I am not one to suggest much other than whole foods but the protein shake may work or would you consider a fish oil capsule. You may start to feel emotionally better if your brain gets some fats. Good luck sweetie.

If have more nutrient dense processed foods, I'd suggest that might be a better way forward.
One of the reasons a lot of 'dieters' go for whole foods is they tend to have a fairly low calorie density - high in water/air, so that you feel fuller when eating the same amount of calories.
I suspect the opposite would be better for the OP.

Good point.

jess1992uga · January 2014

Thanks everyone. I can't do the protein shakes that they usually use (Boost and Ensure Plus around 380 calories each) because I can't tolerate soy or dairy at condensed levels. They aren't sure why yet.

I ended up getting rid of the small bagels. I knew my eating disorder would haunt me tomorrow or whenever I did normal size bagel if I ate a small one...even if added calories. I am crying now because I chose to do this. I feel disgusting and horrid. But this latest lapse all I did was not eat a fruit and dairy...so I won't get super fat I hope....honestly...I don't want to gain weight.

cafeaulait7 · January 2014

Go back and read your profile for inspiration

You are just in a bad place right now, but you can work that out. Seeing a nutritionist ASAP was awesome! Best of luck!

geebusuk · January 2014

. I feel disgusting and horrid. But this latest lapse all I did was not eat a fruit and dairy...so I won't get super fat I hope....honestly...I don't want to gain weight.

First off, you will NOT get even CLOSE to fat, never mind 'super fat'.
I just looked at some BMI charts and you are literally 'off the chart' as far as being underweight goes - so hopefully you are going to gain SOME weight for your health. Currently you weigh less than my dog!
I know it's a bit taboo here in the UK, but are you seeing a psychologist? In many other countries it's very 'normal' to have a professional to discuss such matters with.

Have you looked at doing a weight lifting routine so you put on muscle rather than fat? (I expect your fat levels are too low too, however.) I'm friends with/have met a few ex-anorexics, some of which have stories not too far from yours - often they've been inspired to eat more by aiming for the sort of body that 'fitness models' have - there's plenty of good examples on here too.

Oh; and it should be "Who's" now "Whose"

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Help me recover!

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