Comments about your pre-weight loss appearance

mightyminerva · January 2014

Okay, guys. I could really use your feedback on this, especially those of you who are here to get in shape as opposed to primarily losing weight (I'd like to get advice from people who haven't been overweight, too):

What do you say when someone asks you how you got to be overweight? How do you explain that you realised that you weren't healthy and thought that you were doing things correctly (fruits and veggies, baked instead of fried, no sodas)? How do you explain that you just weren't yet in a place to do more and/or didn't know about calorie counting, added sugars, and nutrition?

What do you say when someone says "your friends should have said something. Maybe they just wanted to look good next to you. Otherwise, why wouldn't they sit down and tell you"?

How do you fend off comments about the "after effects" of being overweight and then losing weight (stretch marks, loose skin)?

What if someone says that your partner "deserves" someone who hadn't had a weight problem?

What if someone says you should delete old pictures of you from Facebook?

I've had all this said to me within the past several months. I'm not asking for snarky comments, please. I truly want to know what you would say in the moment. I want to be able to express myself and the complexities of weight loss more eloquently without turning into an emotional mess.

This person doesn't realise that it's not for them to comment on, ESPECIALLY when the weight gain happened before (s)he met me. Perhaps the comments/questions began out of curiosity or concern for my health, but it rapidly turned into insults and attacks on my appearance.

I believe that if someone has a genuine concern about my health (this person is close to me), ask if the weight gain is related to something else like a health issue or illness, NOT badger me about how embarrassed I should feel about how I used to be. How do I explain this not only for myself but for others (s)he may encounter?

meshashesha2012 · January 2014

That's a lot of questions for people to ask. At some point, probably after question 3, i'd ask them why they needed to know. Depending on why they wanted to know (sorry but I don't suffer fools or cater to people trying to be jerks) I would either answer to the best of my ability or tell them to mind their own business.

As for the first question, I got fat because I ate too much on a consistent basis.

ambyrcat · January 2014

The first couple of questions, ok, they could be honest curiosity, but really, none of their business. The thing about your friends? That's just *****y. Sounds like someone trying to separate you from your friends. Comments about the after effects of losing weight? What, it would just be better to stay overweight?! And the comment about your partner would get that person a swift kick out of the circle of the people I spend my time with. Period. That's just being knowingly cruel. The absolute best thing you can do is try to be comfortable with who you are, and what it took you to get there is part of who you are. It's your journey, and it made you you. This person sounds cruel and toxic and I would kick them to the curb yesterday. They don't seem focused on your health, but your appearance, and how THEY perceive your appearance, not how you do. Life's to short to put up with that kind of behavior.

mightyminerva · January 2014

Thanks for your replies, guys!

I agree, it's none of this person's business, and certain comments were made purely out of anger or spite.

I'd be interested in others' opinions, as well. Thanks!

kirrabelle · January 2014

Well said to the other posters. There are some people you just cannot win with, they'll simply always have something negative to say even when they intend it to be a 'nice' thing. Don't let other people's issues and insecurities get to you. Because that's what those questions are... His or her problem with weight, not yours. Sometimes we end up keeping friends around just because they've always been there, sounds about time to take stock of the external now that the internal battle is well under way as those comments/ questions are not something a genuine friend would throw at you. Not ok. Seriously. Good luck.

... In case of emergencies or imminent tearing-upage a good old "oh do just **** off!" Will work wonders

Adc7225 · January 2014

I am so sorry but this person is incredible shallow and has absolutely no respect for you because a person that had respect for a person would never ask these type of questions.

But here goes. . .

How you gained weight - life happened, we all gain weight for a variety of reasons, some we want to share others we don't, some never realize why.

One would hope that true friends value you based on more than your appearance.

After effects, if you are not sharing my bed don't worry about it.

What your partner deserves - same as what do your friends and love ones really value.

Why would you delete your photos from Facebook, that's is who your are but what you were, when you are ready to forget that person if it happens you will. I have vacation photos on my Facebook page do I have forget about that because I was overweight, I am not ashamed of it.

It helps to have someone to discuss these things with but it should come as a natural conversation one where you are comfortable with the person you want to share these things with, this may not be the person! The only good thing is that thinking about the questions can help you address some insight for yourself.

mightyminerva · January 2014

Thanks, guys.

I confess that I got incredibly angry and was insulted at these questions. There's so much more to life than a pants size, as someone rightfully said! The people in my life (and in everyone's lives) should be there and love me for who I am on the inside. That's what is truly important.

I basically said the same thing about the photos. They capture who I was at that time, and as most of those were taken in college, they show precious memories of my friends and family. Perhaps I didn't look amazing or my own ideal at that time. So what? I was happy to be around my friends, proud of my accomplishments, and excited about life. I'm proud of that girl, and I wouldn't erase her or any evidence of her for anyone. Being her made me the person I am today.

Hartman1986 · January 2014

Personally, I'd tell them to go take a flying... Well you get the idea. Then I'd unfriend them so they wouldn't have to see the pictures that apparently offend them.

In my case I don't have to worry much about that as the people whose opinion I actually care about have known me long enough to understand and the others, well, I just don't bother listening to.

cafeaulait7 · January 2014

I would tell the person that I don't feel like discussing any of that with them. That they seem to have an unhealthy obsession with my weight and old weight and it's very strange!

wozkaa · January 2014

I would find it incredibly odd to be questioned that closely by a new(?) friend. Some of the comments sound really spiteful, others just out of curiosity.
Ok, yes, I know I put on weight because I wasn't paying attention to what I ate.
After the first few I would actually just stop answering them, or simply tell them their interest in my weight strange and off-putting. If that gets them all worked up, I'd tell them to p*ss off, get a grip and call me when they have found a modicum of sincerity.

hstoblish · January 2014

Those are some big red flags. She really doesn't sound like a good friend. There is difference between asking about how you felt about the weight loss or if you're dealing with any health concerns, and adding a value (e.g. don't you think that your husband deserves...) statement to your question. This isn't the friendly curiosity of a new buddy or the supportive concern of a friend, this is the sharp judgement of someone who wants to make sure you feel inferior.

ElizaB84 · January 2014

None of my friends or family have ever said anything about my weight, except when I lose some and they compliment me.

I think the questions are very rude and id probably tell that person to f off.

leaner426 · January 2014

Ok, my thoughts went to snarky first (as in "how did you get to be so shallow?") Seriously, go with your feelings. Answer what you want to. If you feel a question isn't genuine or is coming from a negative place feel free to tell them you don't care to discuss it. When someone is draining your happiness or your pride in your accomplishments it has more to do with them, than with you. There is nothing that says you have to take it.

If you want something to say, I agree with telling them life happened, or tell them how you got there isn't as important as the fact that you are coming back. You're blessed that your partner loved you for who you are, and didn't judge you on the size of your clothes.

I have celiac disease and it took one brother in particular a long time to get it (in fact I'm not certain he does yet.) He kept asking things like "what would happen if you have one really glutenous meal?" or "You can drink this beer, or this grain alcohol, the brewing process removes anything grainy." It got very frustrating for me, I don't think he realized how annoying he was being. He finally got the message when I would tell him he'd asked those questions multiple times already.

Marcia315 · January 2014

This person need a heaping plate of shut the *kitten* up.

HexyleneGlycol · January 2014

Those are horrible things to say to somebody, those questions do not even deserve a response. I would cut the people who are asking those underhandedly cutting things out of my life completely and if i wasnt able to I would cut the talking with them about my weight loss to a bare minimum

hortensehildegarde · January 2014

What do you say when someone asks you how you got to be overweight?
> This one I would likely answer- laziness, no longer making being active a priority, not paying any attention at all to what I eat and not being able to notice a size difference in myself at 125 or 252. Honestly, I really don't notice from what I think I look like and it just flat out was not important enough for me to do anything about and I made other things a priority as physical appearance is such a shallow thing to care about. I'd also probably say I feel very lucky that I don't weigh 350 lbs as my unregulated caloric intake is INSANE. My husband likes to cook with whatever makes food taste good (often butter and oil), and I love to eat.

What do you say when someone says "your friends should have said something. Maybe they just wanted to look good next to you. Otherwise, why wouldn't they sit down and tell you"?
> Because my friends would know I would find such a comment highly insulting to my intelligence. I am not an idiot- how on earth would anyone think I would need to be told I was gaining weight? I would also tell them this is HIGHLY insulting to my friends who are good people who would never do something like that. What a horrible horrible horrible thing to say about people. I'd probably ask them what their priorities are for assessing what is important to them in life because I would find this question extremely appalling and it would fascinate me that someone would think that way and somehow find that acceptable. Unless this person was my mother, in which case I'd likely say something like "mom my friends love me no matter what and I don't think it would have ever occurred to them to say anything. It'd be like telling me I had brown hair. They never would have seen it as anything problematic to bring up in that fashion"

How do you fend off comments about the "after effects" of being overweight and then losing weight (stretch marks, loose skin)?
> LOL I don't know but I will be happy to find out! My last "high" weight was likely in the 180-190 range and I got down to 123. Nobody ever asked such questions. I sure as heck hope nobody does this time around once I get back there but if they were asking for good reason (like they wanted to know to help themselves) I would try to honestly answer. ( As an aside, honestly this has likely be a HUGE stumbling block for me as I worry going from nearly 250 back down and being much older this time I am afraid what I will look like. A few days ago I finally realized I don't have to worry about what I will look like at 125 again. I can worry right now about getting back down to where I was 5 years ago (around 200) and worry about the next step then. I'll be a heck of a lot better off worrying about the after-effects 50 lbs lighter!)

What if someone says that your partner "deserves" someone who hadn't had a weight problem?
> Again, I would tell them this insults the intelligence of my partner and don't they think he is capable of making that decision for himself? I'd ask what they had against my partner and why they were so bossy/controlling as to think they know better how to run his life than he does. What's up with that?!?!

What if someone says you should delete old pictures of you from Facebook?
> I'd ask why? I'd ask if I was somehow less of a person because of how I have looked in the past? I'd ask if they like me and want to be my friend why are they so critical of what I used to be- aren't they proud of what I am NOW and that past self was a part of that. I'd ask why they were so insecure as to think I'd want to deny my existence.

I am really rather shocked that someone close to you has said such things- unless it's a family member. My mom says stupid stuff all the time but at least I am convinced she loves me so I choose to put up with her

nikkihk · January 2014

Walk the other way and go about my business.

Your journey is yours alone and unless you ask for help, advice, or someones opinion? They really don't have the right to offer it.

katznkt · January 2014

Mind your own business. Or, why did nobody tell you that you were a nosey b? I lost my weight, but you might never lose rude.

Okay, so maybe that is snarky, but I'd tell that to my own mother if she ever decided to talk to me like that.

But in general: I gained weight because I overate. I have stretchmarks and loose skin from kids not weight. The pictures are who I was. I'm not ashamed. I just want better health as I age. And my friends like me for me. They saw the whole me not just a number on my scale. And they knew that they were not my doctor and couldn't force me to change before I was ready. They also knew it was a sensitive Subject and one I still don't like to discuss with anybody other than my doctor. Who isn't you. And my partner? He is lucky to have somebody at all with the way he snores. And to get somebody who has the type of mental fortitude to change their body like I have? Well, he knows he is the luckiest man around. Plus, he appreciates my body more now that he has seen me work for it. Plus, it is great to know that he loves me for me. .. I think he is less likely to trade me for a newer model later because he didn't trade me in for a thinner one now. Every woman should get to test her guys loyalty that way.

Jewlz280 · January 2014

I've read this over and over and over again and the big thing that comes to mind is.... Why? Why do you want to know? I guess these questions seem... very personal. The first about why you got heavy. Well... it's like trends and hairstyles and even music. You're going along with life and you're busy and one day you wake up and realize... you've gained a lot of weight! Or you knew it was happening all along but you weren't sure what to do to change it until you just decided to DO IT. To take charge of your life, weight, and health. And that answers number 2. Most friends don't say anything because what is the point? It won't matter if they DO say something because you won't deal with the issue until YOU are ready. So, now we move on to the last few questions and this is where I start to wonder if this person is speaking to you or about themselves? Like the comment about the body AFTER weight loss. Well... the truth is not a single person on the planet is perfect. Some have stretch marks, some have acne. Some have bald heads and some have afro big hair. Some have buck teeth or rotten teeth or teeth too big to even no teeth. Some people have no boobs and some have huge. We are all different and we each have our 'things' that we love and hate. What one perceives as ugliness, another might not notice. I've been thin and heavy and honestly, my husband says he doesn't much notice because he loves ME and not just that skin. He knows some is from being heavy, but some is from hormones, age, babies, LIFE. He has some, too. It doesn't make me love him any less! You see, someone who loves you, TRULY loves you, doesn't see all of those little flaws. They see the whole you and love you WITH those little 'imperfections' that make you uniquely you. Because if we were all 'perfect', then we would all be the same and boring as hell. So, I'd first take a deep breath and answer calmly and ask this person WHY these questions were so important that they had to ask? Were THEY heavy before? Are they worried? Do they have an eating disorder or some other mental issue? Is this a partner who is afraid they are going to be stuck on every imperfection? Is this a family member who is worried? It just seems like, these questions are things that a regular friend would never think to worry on. And honestly, neither should you. Because we are all dealing with our own little issues and quirks and well... that's ok. But someone who would try to delve into you like this either has something seriously big going on under the surface, or has a big ulterior motive.

mimieon · January 2014

Wow that is rude.

I say "Would you have said this to me a few months ago? (answer is probably no) Then don't talk to me in this way now. I'm still the same person."

Also I would just say that those are rude and hurtful comments. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone about these private matters.

alisonlynn1976 · January 2014

I would tell them that my body is none of their business. If they kept making rude comments about my body after that, then I might start making critical comments about their body (which I don't necessarily recommend, but that's what I might actually do).

JdoubleJ · January 2014

Thanks, guys.

I confess that I got incredibly angry and was insulted at these questions. There's so much more to life than a pants size, as someone rightfully said! The people in my life (and in everyone's lives) should be there and love me for who I am on the inside. That's what is truly important.

I basically said the same thing about the photos. They capture who I was at that time, and as most of those were taken in college, they show precious memories of my friends and family. Perhaps I didn't look amazing or my own ideal at that time. So what? I was happy to be around my friends, proud of my accomplishments, and excited about life. I'm proud of that girl, and I wouldn't erase her or any evidence of her for anyone. Being her made me the person I am today.

So true. I met my husband when I was 40 lbs heavier than I am now, and Igot mydegree. Why delete photos from an incredible time of my life?

I think yourfriend has their own issues about image and weight.

Comments about your pre-weight loss appearance

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