Relosing myself- again

Good morning!
I am new to MyFitnessPal but am very excited to be here. I am a woman in my mid 30's who has struggled with my weight for my entire life. I have a very long story about myself, and I feel I need to tell it just so that any of you that have an interest might be able to prepare for what you are up against with me :happy: So if you have awhile to sit and read and have an inkling of interest- read on. Otherwise, you are certainly welcome to stop reading and know that I am pleased to meet you if you would like to introduce yourself.
As a child I was only slightly overweight but very active. I tended to stay under 200 pounds throughout school age years. At that time I did not eat a lot, but I ate OUT a lot, and swam 6 days a week weather permitting and roller skated everywhere. In college I gained the typical Freshman 20 Then the Sophomore 20 and so on... you get the picture. Fast forward a few years, I got fed up with being 300 pounds and lost 80 pounds simply through clean eating and exercise. I got involved in kickboxing and volleyball and walked 4 miles a day. I also discovered a passion for gardening.
After I had gotten down to a manageable (or so I thought) 220 pounds on my 5"9 frame I got lax on my weight loss and food journaling. I stopped weighing on a regular basis, and let the weight creep back on. 2 Years after I had regained my weight to 300 pounds I had a car accident that left me with severe back problems that prevent me from doing any physical exercise except walking. I try to do whatever I can physically but find that I throw out my back quite often. Even though my activity level dropped, my caloric intake did not. I gained weight to the point of being over 400 pounds. Of course I got fed up and disgusted with myself at this weight and tried diet after diet to lose weight. But it seems I always did something to sabotage myself. I would get tired of having to eat so sparingly or strictly to lose weight at a quick rate and binge, or I would get frustrated with losing only a pound or two after I had walked everyday and stuck to eating 1400 calories a day and just eat whatever I wanted.
In 2012 I started having severe heart palpitations. Now, at first I did not think much of it because I have a heart defect and have had mild palpitations my entire life. But one night they were so severe that they literally took my breath away and I struggled for the very air I need to live. I went to the emergency room at a local hospital and they ran tests and told me I did not have a heart attack... told me I must have had a panic attack and sent me home. I know it was not a panic attack, so I asked my family doc to refer me to a cardiologist due to my heart defect ( I had not seen one in years because of my weight and well, generally not wanting the talk of shame about my size and its detriment to my health ) When I got to that appointment, the doctor told me straight up that I am too fat for any tests to show any results. He literally said- " You are too fat for a echo to show me anything". I wanted to hit that man with an arrow point blank between the eyes. Seriously. He told me to lose 200 pounds and come back and he would talk to me about doing some tests. So I set out to seriously lose weight. I joined a very popular weight loss company that uses points and touts great lasting results... but was struggling to lose 2 or 3 pounds a week. I hate losing weight slowly...I am a results oriented type of gal But after doing that program for a year I had lost 50 pounds. At that point I weight 384 pounds.... and was still fed up. I searched myself because I knew that my time here on earth was tickin down, and I was so incredibly frustrated by still being so big after doing so well for so long.
I know myself. I am a realist. I know my weaknesses and my strengths. I have been at this weight loss thing for awhile. I know this is hard, but I could not figure out why it was so hard for me to fight cravings. A friend of mine asked me if I had ever tried the low carb thing, and I had not but I had researched it and I honestly figured that high cholesterol high fat eating was not a good thing for a person with a hole in her heart. So I decided I would come up with my own version of low carb high protein eating.... and I did. Doing this I was able to go from 384 pounds to 280 pounds in only 8 months. I was thrilled... and it was not as hard physically as far as cravings and urges as I thought it would have been... but it was extremely strict. I cut out all toxins I could think of...drank only water and herbal tea... and I came to find that by eating this way I never physically craved anything. My blood sugar levels were excellent, my blood pressure dropped to below normal ranges... cholesterol levels were optimal... etc. But ya know what? I missed eating a cookie. Autumn had set in with a crisp coolness that made me yearn for baked apples. Halloween was coming and I got angry that I could not have a snickers bar. I had that self pity thing going on.... oh poor me I cant have a candy bar.... and everyone else is eating bite after bite of candy in front of me. I decided (of course I did ) that I would not be able to eat the way I had been the previous 9 months for life and needed to start integrating healthy carbs back into my food plan. Well once I got a taste of some sugar it was on!! lol
I was very comfortable with weighing 280 pounds because hey I was no longer a 400 lb plus woman I was at a weight where I did not get looks of disgust from people when I walked into a room.
I guess I got too comfy with my weight and I threw the gates wide open and decided I was gonna enjoy the holidays.... and gained almost 50 pounds back over a 3 1/2 month period. As to why I did not get my head out of whatever orifice it was stuck in and stop the runaway train before I gained that much back I do not know. I still weighed every 2 weeks, and knew I was gaining. Well here we are folks. I am at 330 pounds and back on track. I have a goal of 250 pounds. Which is less to lose than I have already lost. I am not going to do anything strange or severe to lose. I am going to do it 1 pound at a time and just deal with the slow rate of loss because I am absolutely not going to set myself up to gain again. I don't know how many of you have dealt with anything resembling my story but I would love to be a shoulder of support and help for you and have you be one for me as well. Birds of a feather stick together... right?
Pleased to meet you all.
:bigsmile:
SunnyEuphoria