Dealing with unsupportive friends & family.

TLC7613
TLC7613 Posts: 86 Member
in Motivation and Support
How do you deal with friends and family that arn't necessarily supportive of your new life style, or make snide comments that bring you down? My husband has been such an awesome rock. Although he is not joining me on my fitness quest, he is always supportive. I never knew that the ONE person I thought would be supportive the most would be the one making the meanest comments. My Mother. She knows that I'm getting healthy so I can have a baby in the next year or so, and she makes comments like "geeze, are you sure your not already pregnant?" or "What, that didn't come in a bigger size??" My mother is overweight and tries to be healthy but that never really sticks. My husband is also on the heavier side, but the two of them couldn't be more opposites when it comes to how they support me. I always try to brush off the comments my mother makes and tell myself maybe its just her way of "though love" or what have you. I've had previous ex-coworkers who've seen me and asked if I was pregnant and when I tell them no, they say "Oh, well as long as tony (my husband) happy with the way you look, I guess that's all that matters" I hadn't seen that coworker in like 6 years when I was 18 but it was still way rude. I didn't want to tell the ex-coworker that I had packed on lbs from a miscarriage I had suffered two weeks before that.
I've asked my mom to stop making those kinds of comments and tell her not to when she does make them, and she always says "ohh, you know I was just kidding"!

Anyway, if you have any tips or words of advice for when it comes to dealing with people's unsupportive or mean comments that'd be great. Thanks for reading!

Replies

  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    I do not allow family members to cause me problems. They either shape up, or else. Of course I am totally respectful toward them, but they lose privilege in proportion to the trouble they cause. Period.
  • jos05
    jos05 Posts: 263 Member
    The only people that have really been supportive of my journey ... has been my kids! Although now that I have lost enough clothing sizes...seems like everyone else I know is attempting to be supportive. My hardest obstacle to overcome has been my friends when we go out to eat or go out to clubs... I just have to be strong. I can see the results... and it's paying off! Just stick with it!!! I promise it all pays off in the end.
  • daliyanin
    daliyanin Posts: 93 Member
    Sometimes the people who love you the most or who SHOULD support you the most, just don't. Whatever reason that is, you won't know unless you pull your mom aside and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate her comments and to please keep out the negativity. As far as the X-coworker, what a horrible thing to say to ANYONE, let alone someone you actually know. There is a reason this person is not your friend. Try and surround yourself with people who have the same goals (on here!) even if that means pushing yourself to meet new people. Anyway, hope that helps.
  • accebersmith
    accebersmith Posts: 96 Member
    I do not allow family members to cause me problems. They either shape up, or else. Of course I am totally respectful toward them, but they lose privilege in proportion to the trouble they cause. Period.

    This, in spades.
  • TLC7613
    TLC7613 Posts: 86 Member
    Sometimes the people who love you the most or who SHOULD support you the most, just don't. Whatever reason that is, you won't know unless you pull your mom aside and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate her comments and to please keep out the negativity. As far as the X-coworker, what a horrible thing to say to ANYONE, let alone someone you actually know. There is a reason this person is not your friend. Try and surround yourself with people who have the same goals (on here!) even if that means pushing yourself to meet new people. Anyway, hope that helps.

    Oh sorry, I'll go edit my OP. Whenever she makes comments like this I always tell her, really?! Thats so rude. And she always goes "Ohhh, you know I was kidding". She even makes those kind of comments in front of other people.
  • tesha_chandler
    tesha_chandler Posts: 378 Member
    First off, haters gone hate. You can't change that but you CAN prove them wrong :) Just lean on the positive support so that you can flaunt your progress on the negative later. ;) Have faith in yourself and know that you are capable of anything you put your mind to.
  • meglizbo
    meglizbo Posts: 42
    My step mother is the same way, and it can be really hard having someone buy your favorite junk foods when you are at home, or having them encourage you not to exercise. From my experience it can be jealousy, as she like your mom is not very healthy. I have found that inviting her to join me when I exercise or cook can be really helpful because then we can spend time together and I can help her create some of the healthy habits she wants in her life instead of allowing her to be bitter that I am strong enough to do it on my own! The other thing is approach her. She may not even know she is doing it, and if she does it on purpose asking her why can be enlightening for both of you. Good luck, you can do this! And one thing is for sure, there is always a community here that is supportive :smile:
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
    Use Tough love on your mom.. when ever she makes a comment about your weight and size, just rememind her, that pretty soon, the two you can share clothing...
  • br1twaslyke
    br1twaslyke Posts: 41 Member
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this :/ I'm actually in the opposite boat, my parents are very supportive of me in whatever I do, so naturally they are proud and willing to help in any way possible with my weight loss journey.. On the other hand, my husband is the one who isn't very supportive of me. When I first told him about my decision he was saying how I won't stick to it and blah blah blah.. Now that I'm actually losing weight it still hasn't helped, he keeps saying I'm fine how I am and i'll never be skinny. Deep down I think he's upset because he knows that I'm motivated this time, and it worries him that I'm going to get hot and leave him or something.. I think it might be the same situation with your mom, not about leaving her obviously, but I think she might possibly be jealous of you. People seem to look into themselves when others around them try to make lifestyle changes, and she might be upset with her own weight and taking it out on you.. I'm sure she will come around though, but even if not that is what this forum is for! Every time I get upset about a dumb comment from my husband, I come right on here and there are tons of success stories and others who are in the same boat that are here to help! The best revenge is success, and you can do it!
  • acpgranberg
    acpgranberg Posts: 137 Member
    Unfortunately your mom is being passive aggressive and that truly sucks because it's your mom. The only thing I can advise is to be your own best cheerleader. You are making changes for your future and that's what is important. Good on you!

    You might want to take some space from your mother for a little while. When she makes remarks like that just leave. She will soon learn that she has to be nice to get quality time.
  • amaysngrace
    amaysngrace Posts: 742 Member
    In the beginning of my journey back in Dec of 2012, nobody wanted to workout with me. My mom was making excuses and my neighbors didn't want to go with me to workout, so I had to do it myself. It was kind of like the Little Red Hen, where I asked people if they wanted to join me on my weight loss journey, and now that I have lost over 80 pounds, they are looking at me crazy, while still being overweight, probably wishing they had've joined me back then.

    My mom is almost 200 pounds now, and my grandma and uncle who use to constantly make fat jokes about me and ridicule me, anytime I was in their presence, are still fat. My uncle was not fat at the time, but now he is fat and my grandma is still fat. Basically I have past everybody up, weight wise. Everyone, who use to be smaller than me, I am now smaller than them. Luckily, I haven't held a grudge against the people who doubted me or called me fat, but I have been able to get the last laugh, in the end, with just my hardwork and discipline!
  • EricMurano
    EricMurano Posts: 825 Member
    Just yell at people. I do and it feels a lot better than taking it on the chin and smiling. Everyone has they're own little opinions and gripes. They can go f-themselves for all I care. I do what works and I am going where I want to go.

    I'd be tempted to rub the miscarriage in that person's face and make them feel especially guilty but even I wouldn't cross that line I guess.

    Just get angry :)
  • wonderwoman325
    wonderwoman325 Posts: 49
    As long as you're giving yourself support - no negative self-talk - that's what is very important. And this is your journey, not your mom's or that co-worker of yours.

    Personally, there are only two people who know I'm trying to lose weight again because as soon as you tell people they will be giving all sorts of unwanted comments or asking you all the time how much weight you've lost.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Sometimes the people who love you the most or who SHOULD support you the most, just don't. Whatever reason that is, you won't know unless you pull your mom aside and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate her comments and to please keep out the negativity. As far as the X-coworker, what a horrible thing to say to ANYONE, let alone someone you actually know. There is a reason this person is not your friend. Try and surround yourself with people who have the same goals (on here!) even if that means pushing yourself to meet new people. Anyway, hope that helps.

    Oh sorry, I'll go edit my OP. Whenever she makes comments like this I always tell her, really?! Thats so rude. And she always goes "Ohhh, you know I was kidding". She even makes those kind of comments in front of other people.
    I'm so sorry, that is terrible! But always be respectful back to your mom. But now that you are a wife (and mom yourself) you can take the initiative to set boundaries and hold them. I am on-board, in regards to this, with my husband. I really want a private, peaceful, productive home! No monkey business!
  • TLC7613
    TLC7613 Posts: 86 Member
    Sometimes the people who love you the most or who SHOULD support you the most, just don't. Whatever reason that is, you won't know unless you pull your mom aside and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate her comments and to please keep out the negativity. As far as the X-coworker, what a horrible thing to say to ANYONE, let alone someone you actually know. There is a reason this person is not your friend. Try and surround yourself with people who have the same goals (on here!) even if that means pushing yourself to meet new people. Anyway, hope that helps.

    Oh sorry, I'll go edit my OP. Whenever she makes comments like this I always tell her, really?! Thats so rude. And she always goes "Ohhh, you know I was kidding". She even makes those kind of comments in front of other people.
    I'm so sorry, that is terrible! But always be respectful back to your mom. But now that you are a wife (and mom yourself) you can take the initiative to set boundaries and hold them. I am on-board, in regards to this, with my husband. I really want a private, peaceful, productive home! No monkey business!


    you must not have seen my post before I took it down but this last pregnancy actually ended up being a chemical pregnancy
  • labrecqueclaire163
    labrecqueclaire163 Posts: 5
    I find that when I am approached by family members, I approach them and express my feelings. Sometimes I am not able to do this at the time of the incident, however, I go after I have sorted my feelings out and what I need to say. I once had a relative on my husband side make negative comments regarding my weight while my husband was present....repeatedly different occasions. So I approached my husband and ask the next time if he would speak up on my behalf; it never happen again. (His comment was "That is not very nice". - Simple and was effective)

    As far as your mother, I have had similar exchange of words regarding my weight and other subjects. I simply approached her and expressed my feelings and told her what I needed from her in the most positive way. And if she makes light of it, just simply state if you can't honor my request to be supportive in your words regarding my weight, the topic of my weight/health is not up for discussion (I believe they call this setting up boundaries).

    As far as a co-worker, I try to keep my personal and professional life separate. However, if I could have responded at that moment... I would of said, "That's a private matter." (are you pregnant?) and change the subject. And in regard to her last comment, "Why would you think I need my husband's permission to look a certain way." I definitely wouldn't discuss my health issues at work...you never know what any co-worker would do with this information.

    Best in love and support to you and yours.
  • fishnbrah
    fishnbrah Posts: 550
    my parents dont understand why i do it.
  • Grae1968
    Grae1968 Posts: 10
    Unfortunately your mom is being passive aggressive and that truly sucks because it's your mom. The only thing I can advise is to be your own best cheerleader. You are making changes for your future and that's what is important. Good on you!

    You might want to take some space from your mother for a little while. When she makes remarks like that just leave. She will soon learn that she has to be nice to get quality time.

    ^^ This. Your Mom sounds like she is putting you down to make herself feel better about her own weight. It isn't right, but a lot of people do that, it's just even worse because it's your mom. Remember, she isn't just a mother, she is a woman with her own issues, who is clearly insecure about herself. I fully agree with a little space from her. Especially when she is being toxic. You don't have to be rude, but you also do not have to take abuse- which is what she is doing. Just like the quote from above, she will learn to be nice to be able to be with you.

    PS. And her doing this in front of others- it's a way to take the focus off herself and stick it on someone else. Again, way wrong as anyone, but even worse as mom. Just step away for a bit.

    Hang in there, congrats to you for making positive changes, keep doing what you are doing. People will either have to come along in support or get left behind! :smile:

    :flowerforyou:

    Grae
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Sometimes the people who love you the most or who SHOULD support you the most, just don't. Whatever reason that is, you won't know unless you pull your mom aside and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate her comments and to please keep out the negativity. As far as the X-coworker, what a horrible thing to say to ANYONE, let alone someone you actually know. There is a reason this person is not your friend. Try and surround yourself with people who have the same goals (on here!) even if that means pushing yourself to meet new people. Anyway, hope that helps.

    Oh sorry, I'll go edit my OP. Whenever she makes comments like this I always tell her, really?! Thats so rude. And she always goes "Ohhh, you know I was kidding". She even makes those kind of comments in front of other people.
    I'm so sorry, that is terrible! But always be respectful back to your mom. But now that you are a wife (and mom yourself) you can take the initiative to set boundaries and hold them. I am on-board, in regards to this, with my husband. I really want a private, peaceful, productive home! No monkey business!


    you must not have seen my post before I took it down but this last pregnancy actually ended up being a chemical pregnancy
    So sorry again! :(

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