Parents who have dealt with teenagers

Is there a father figure in their life? Honestly I was terrified of my dad and would never talk back. If I did I'd get a belt across my butt! Big man, leather belt...scary to a teen or younger. There is nothing I could think of besides taking away all technology and keeping them in their rooms...ground em for a month if you must. Make it stick. That's the problem now..I rarely spank but I also control my kids. They know with one look when they are crossing the line and they toe it very carefully. My oldest is 13 and yes her mouth gets her in trouble...but that one look shows her she is approaching the wrong territory and she backs down. She has to find what works for her and stick to it...not back down. Basically...be a leader of the pack.

I think we had the same dad! But just like you I learned respect. To this day, I am scared to disrespect my dad. I love him to death and have such an awesome relationship with him now, but I never would have believed it if you told me that when I was a teenager. There's something to be said for a strong, male role model in the home. This doesn't mean spanking is the best choice for everyone, but when I *occasionally got "the belt" it was enough for me to remember to respect him and others.

I think we had the same dad! But just like you I learned respect. To this day, I am scared to disrespect my dad. I love him to death and have such an awesome relationship with him now, but I never would have believed it if you told me that when I was a teenager. There's something to be said for a strong, male role model in the home. This doesn't mean spanking is the best choice for everyone, but when I *occasionally got "the belt" it was enough for me to remember to respect him and others.

LOL...Yep..know the terror and you will not misstep...too often. :laugh: :laugh:

Obviously, nowadays, you will go to jail for spanking your kids when they misbehave. That is why teens are so bad anymore. If you learn respect while younger instead of being allowed to throw your little hissy-fits and get away with them you are better off. I'm a single mom raising two girls...and yes they have gotten spankings...As they are getting older its turned to groundings...or tech-loss. They don't appreciate that as much as I do...LOL

Spanking isn't for everyone...and it is hard to spank your child. I also know never to spank in anger. That's when people can get carried away and become abusive. A spanking is a punishment...not abuse.

I don't know if this will help or not. But, sometimes it helps to understand the teenage brain (rather than to hit and instill fear because the goal is for them to learn self discipline and not just to hide things from parents and only behave around parents). But, that aside there are many effective ways to teach, guide and discipline children with resulting good behavior, respectfulness, and intelligent thoughtfulness from the children (spanking is not the only option).

I don't know if this book will help or not, but I've heard great things about it. Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of The Teenage Brain by Dan Siegal.

I'm only 21 so have no idea about raising kids but when I was teenager I always felt better when I sat down and actually spoke to an adult about the problems. I never did it with my mum and my dad left when I was small so I spoke mainly to teachers and a doctor.

Like a psychiatrist with his or her patient, get it all out there. Listen to each other, respect each other, and learn from each other. Make some tea, sit down and do it regularly and create an incentive for doing it (rather than forcing a discussion). There's a reason why those girls are misbehaving. The mum needs to find out why.

Think about how you would have felt talking to your parents at 16 and finding out why they are doing what they're doing. Would you have liked to know more about your parents? Why are they so strict? Why don't they tell you they love you more often? Hell, how much do we even know about our parents? How did they find school? Was English or math hard? Did they play basketball in high school? What was their bedroom like as a kid? Favourite book or film? First car and job?

Find out what you have in common with each other, aside from biology, and you might get along with each other.

I have both a 19 and 17 year old (and two younger). The oldest two were never spanked and frankly, while not perfect kids, they are incredibly respectful and reasonable. It's not the physical punishment but a strict set of rules and common respect.
I don't think there is any one single method of raising kids but certainly feel that by the time I've gotten to punishments, I've failed to get across the elements of respect and education. They go both ways.

No advice to give, except one can't escalate to lock-down and solitary confinement.

Environment, personality make all situations very personal and individual.

This. As a parent educator for many years, problem behaviors such as the ones mentioned are set up in early childhood. They don't just appear in teenagers. Successful parenting is based on respect, expectations that are evident to all in the family and most importantly, consistency.

While not impossible to "undo" these disrespectful behaviors, it is difficult. This is the time in a young person's life in which they are trying to find their independence. In a healthy family, there will still be testing of the boundaries. If the parents are a strong unit, children begin to think ahead and realize consequences without the need for punitive punishment. When the parents are not consistent and lack the parenting skills to be effective, children will push boundaries in bigger ways - sometimes in self destructive ways.

I wish her and her family the best.

This has obviously been tolerated for years. This won't be quick or easy. Total shutdown. Basic food, basic clothes, nothing but school and chores. Absolutely no pleasures, tv, media, phones etc. Apologize to them for raising spoiled whining brats instead of hard working respectful citizens of the world. In my 40's I still have a healthy fear of my tiny Asian mama. I would be afraid of a shoe upside my head if I smarted off. Once in jr high my sister and I kept leaving our room messy. My mother took photos and showed them to everyone for a month. Another time we left all our clothes out and not put away for a week- she tossed them off our deck into the woods. Mom was slow to spank but her punishments were sooo devious we would have preferred a whack.

^^^ This. It's pretty obvious that she spent too many years trying to be their friend and too few trying to be their parent. Trying to start parenting in the teen years is like herding cats. It can be done but it's going to be messy and exhausting and create a lot of problems for quite a while. Take away something. If they mouth off again or laugh take away something else. If it gets down to no electronics, basic bare bones meals (and I'd be eating lobster while serving them a ham sandwich and a side salad), and no bedroom door then so be it. They'll figure it out that their free ride is over pretty quickly.