Turning 30 - shouldn't I be like an adult now?!

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hannahlbur
hannahlbur Posts: 221 Member
in Motivation and Support
So am I too early for a mid life crisis as I turn 30 in June?

Basically I have wasted my 20s I have done next to nothing of note. I am sick of my life: it is boring and lame.

I still live with my parents as I can't afford to move out, I have lots of debt as I bought tons of random crap when I was in my early 20s (because I was bored and miserable), I was in a really horrible job where I was bullied for nearly 4 years and so I took the first job I was offered out of desperation which involved working in a brand new environment (a school) which meant a hefty pay cut, being super duper bored and working term time only (can't have days off during term time which sucks *kitten*)
I have no success with men - I never get asked out, I saw a few guys when I started online dating a few years ago but gave it up as it is a minefield when you are vulnerable. Massive issues with how I look and how I am so it's like what is the point really.

The one thing I love doing is fitness - I have been instructing classes for over a year now and love it, but it is fraught with anxiety over - my looks: I don't look the part I still have lots of weight to lose and my confidence over doing the job as it is outgoing and performance like completely not like me. So I love it but it also stresses me!!
Doing classes pays quite well which is great but I am nearly at my limit as to how many I can do while still working full time. In order to be able to do the job I love - I need to lose weight and save up for a reliable car. I am struggling to do both these things. And it is my own stupid fault I know this. I keep reaching for the biscuits, I took a crap paying job and can't budget very well. Me all me.

I struggle with making decisions and doubt myself so much - over the past couple of months I have made big decisions but I just doubt myself constantly and can't figure out what to do for the best. I feel like I am just floundering through life like a big child and have no actual clue what I am doing and where I am heading. The debt is going down at a painfully slow rate due to a payment plan, my weight is going down at a painfully slow rate if at all as I yo-yo due to being depressed and tired and comfort eating. I don't exactly have a roaring social life as you can imagine I am super fun to be around. :noway:

Feels like my friends are growing up and apart from me (they're like PROPER ADULTS now and have their own houses and/or getting married and having babies or having good jobs) and I am still stuck. Stuck in this town, stuck at home, stuck.
I need to do something exciting and soon like work abroad for a few months or move somewhere just something.

So is it just me?
Does everyone else have their **** together?

Replies

  • SexKittenlovesitrough
    SexKittenlovesitrough Posts: 486
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    it sounds to me like all you do is focus on the negative.

    People have a hard time liking others who are constantly down on themselves and negative

    what is GOOD about your life, start there, build yourself up....

    you've accomplished things.

    Sounds like you have parents that love you dearly...

    only you can change your life and it starts...


    now.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
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    Do you see a professional at all? A therapist?

    I think you could really benefit from talking to someone about all of this.

    Most people, even when they seem like they do, don't have all their "s***" together. But they focus on the positives in their lives, or focus on healthy coping to rid themselves of the negative (or, at least, cope with it).

    I think it's good you've found something you like, or even have the plan of maybe just up and moving to rid yourself of malaise.

    But I really do think counseling might help you with what seems to be a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • Barbonica
    Barbonica Posts: 337 Member
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    Time to put your big girl panties on, and get on with your life. I think you are laboring under the delusion that "grown-ups" are confident in their decisions. Far from it, most of us doubt and question and wonder "what if". What sets you apart as a mature individual is making the decision and then sticking to it even when it is tough. Evaluate your options, set your goals, modify your methods when needed. You can do this, you have already made the first few (very difficult) steps! And when it seems difficult, or you have short term pain (not going out to pay debts, etc), remind yourself that this is what grown-ups do. Congratulations for doming as far as you have, and keep up the good work!

    ETA: BTW, instructing fitness classes when you are not at an ideal weight is wonderful for your students. They can see that fitness is for everyone and letting them know that you are working toward goals just as they are can help you connect to them. I think you have your *kitten* together fairly well, all things considered.
  • Nyksta
    Nyksta Posts: 241 Member
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    Don't let your friends lives fool you into thinking they are living a more "grown up" life :).

    I turn 30 in April, having been married for nearly 10 years and have an 8 year old daughter but I have VERY similar feelings to you.

    I think it's a number of things that have made me feel this way but one is maturing into the person I want to be. This has come through being a mum, losing weight and gaining confidence. It's like at nearly 30 I am finally discovering who I really am.

    All I can say is trust yourself. It's great that you ALREADY achieving what you want through instructing your classes. Set yourself up a savings account and get some of your wages into there every months. When you reach for the cookie jar remind yourself first of your goals.

    You CAN take control of your life - you already have. You just need to keep working and keep positive.

    Sending you a friend request since we seem on par in life ;)

    Nyk
  • malibu927
    malibu927 Posts: 17,565 Member
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    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 32, working at the same place I started at when I was in high school, living with my parents because I was in a horrible mental state after living on my own for five years and am now working 10-15 hours less a week so I can't even afford a place of my own, and struggling to get through school because I KNOW I need to move on but my fear of failure causes me to give up easily. Deciding to better myself was my resolution, and I am so happy to finally feel like I'm getting a hold of where I am and where I'm going in the coming years.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    You actually sound like you might be depressed.
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
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    Now an awful lot of my *friends* (rather than just people I knew at school) have got kids and now not babies either.

    Me, I'm still running around riding motorbikes,

    Even if it doesn't work out, I'd always suggest actually having a plan.
    Work out what you want to, or even might like to do - make a plan to accomplish it and start working towards it.

    Most people are happier with an objective that they can be making progress towards.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
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    WHY????

    growing_old_inevitable.jpg

    Not to make light of how you're feeling. But this.

    Now, that out of the way. I think you have a misconception about what an adult is, because there is no one way to be one.

    At 51, I still second guess a lot of my decisions and often feel completely inadequate. I'm well aware that I've pretty much floated through life without setting any goals about jobs or money or whatever. I don't have a competitive bone in my body.

    But I'm married, have a job that I don't hate, am no longer in debt, and quite content in my life aside from still struggling to get my weight down.

    Life is what you make of it. Don't like something about your life, work to change it, but don't expect immediate change. All things take time, we only hear about the ones who succeed quickly because it's not the norm. If it was, it wouldn't be interesting.

    I would suggest seeing a counsellor to talk things out with. They can give you good unbiased perspective and advice on how to change things in your life. If not a counsellor, do you have a good friend you trust who'll tell you the blunt hard truth?
  • hannahlbur
    hannahlbur Posts: 221 Member
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    Yes perhaps I should have included in my initial rant...I have been diagnosed with depression over the years have been back to the Drs, tried different meds, tried counselling. I had a very good private counsellor when I worked at the horrible job as I had the money for it - I couldn't afford to go back to her sadly. I have been referred again for CBT on the NHS it will be about a 6 month wait.

    Thanks for your responses all.
  • hannahlbur
    hannahlbur Posts: 221 Member
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    Hehe big girl panties. It just seems like everyone else knows what they are doing. I seem to agonise over the smallest decision!

    Thanks :)
    Time to put your big girl panties on, and get on with your life. I think you are laboring under the delusion that "grown-ups" are confident in their decisions. Far from it, most of us doubt and question and wonder "what if". What sets you apart as a mature individual is making the decision and then sticking to it even when it is tough. Evaluate your options, set your goals, modify your methods when needed. You can do this, you have already made the first few (very difficult) steps! And when it seems difficult, or you have short term pain (not going out to pay debts, etc), remind yourself that this is what grown-ups do. Congratulations for doming as far as you have, and keep up the good work!

    ETA: BTW, instructing fitness classes when you are not at an ideal weight is wonderful for your students. They can see that fitness is for everyone and letting them know that you are working toward goals just as they are can help you connect to them. I think you have your *kitten* together fairly well, all things considered.
  • hannahlbur
    hannahlbur Posts: 221 Member
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    Like!!
    WHY????

    growing_old_inevitable.jpg
  • hannahlbur
    hannahlbur Posts: 221 Member
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    Ooph that is tough moving back home, apparently that is worse than never leaving! Do you feel judged by some people for it? There are lots of throwaway comments that people make all the time about people being lame for still being at home and it stings.
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 32, working at the same place I started at when I was in high school, living with my parents because I was in a horrible mental state after living on my own for five years and am now working 10-15 hours less a week so I can't even afford a place of my own, and struggling to get through school because I KNOW I need to move on but my fear of failure causes me to give up easily. Deciding to better myself was my resolution, and I am so happy to finally feel like I'm getting a hold of where I am and where I'm going in the coming years.
  • hannahlbur
    hannahlbur Posts: 221 Member
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    Thanks :) Glad for the add too :)
    Don't let your friends lives fool you into thinking they are living a more "grown up" life :).

    I turn 30 in April, having been married for nearly 10 years and have an 8 year old daughter but I have VERY similar feelings to you.

    I think it's a number of things that have made me feel this way but one is maturing into the person I want to be. This has come through being a mum, losing weight and gaining confidence. It's like at nearly 30 I am finally discovering who I really am.

    All I can say is trust yourself. It's great that you ALREADY achieving what you want through instructing your classes. Set yourself up a savings account and get some of your wages into there every months. When you reach for the cookie jar remind yourself first of your goals.

    You CAN take control of your life - you already have. You just need to keep working and keep positive.

    Sending you a friend request since we seem on par in life ;)

    Nyk
  • AmberYoung84
    AmberYoung84 Posts: 3 Member
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    I have a lot of similarities but I just keep focusing on the positive things! People choose to be happy regardless of whatever outside factors are going on in their lives. Feel free to add my for a positive friend that will help to motivate you!!


    I'm looking for motivational friends so anyone and everyone feel free to add me!! :-)
  • malibu927
    malibu927 Posts: 17,565 Member
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    Ooph that is tough moving back home, apparently that is worse than never leaving! Do you feel judged by some people for it? There are lots of throwaway comments that people make all the time about people being lame for still being at home and it stings.
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 32, working at the same place I started at when I was in high school, living with my parents because I was in a horrible mental state after living on my own for five years and am now working 10-15 hours less a week so I can't even afford a place of my own, and struggling to get through school because I KNOW I need to move on but my fear of failure causes me to give up easily. Deciding to better myself was my resolution, and I am so happy to finally feel like I'm getting a hold of where I am and where I'm going in the coming years.

    I really don't, which I expected and was why I put off the move for a year. I think people understand that with the economy now it is harder to make it on your own. Plus both of my parents have various health problems (my dad was in the hospital for three months the winter before I moved back, and my mom's knees are so bad she nearly can't walk) so I'm also around to help with whatever they need done, whether it be shopping or chores.
  • Mys_Trea
    Mys_Trea Posts: 6 Member
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    "The reason we struggle with insecurities is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel"
    -Steve Furtick

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