Is my daughter starting to show signs of an eating disorder?

hep26000 · February 2014

I have been so stressed out- I apologize in advance for any typing errors as I am not in my right state of mind. I am also jumping around in my story a bit.

My 10 year old has been getting over a cold so I am not sure if I am looking into this too much and maybe it is all a coincidence...
She shared with me that her 2 friends called her a fatty. They are super skinny little girls and my daughter's build is average. She is active and plays sports and she loves food. She eats everything we do at home and is not picky. Her friends on the other hand do not play sports, they are picky eaters and don't eat very much (they eat as much as my 2 year old does) Okay- maybe this is an unfair assumption and I only know one of those girls very well. If she eats dinner over at my house I give her half of what I serve to my daughter and she usually doesn't finish that.
I have had to force my daughter to make a lunch the past few days. She is not eating much at all. Last night we were celebrating her cousins birthday and had pizza. We finished playing at Pump It Up and all worked up an appetite. She said she didn't want to eat dinner. I told her sternly that she needs to eat and gave her one slice. She looked misserable eating it. This kid can normally put back 2-3 pieces with no problem. We then had cupcakes and once she took a bite, she chowed down and then asked me for another piece of pizza. I felt so happy she ate. I knew she was hungry. Why is she not eating lunch at school? Why was it like twisting her arm to eat? Is she trying to starve herself in an attempt to lose weight and look like her super thin friends? She is only 10 years old and you can see by my profile picture that she is not a chunky girl anyway.
Maybe I am over thinking this and she is still just getting over her cold and has no appetite.
I gave her a journal to start writing thinking she can share it with me if she wants or I will snoop and look anyway because I have to know what is going on with her.
Even the director at her Boys and Girls Club called me the other day concerned because she has been acting down and out lately and one lady that works there is at the school often and will see my daughter not eating at lunch and sitting out at recess.
She doesn't have that many friends but the ones she does have are good friends and when they have a falling out I know she is misserable until they are friends again. She hasn't been wanting to go to school. She is blaming it on her cold (no fever or vomiting- just a cough) but she played great at Pump It Up and has fun at home so I feel like it is a front for a deeper issue.

If you read all of this thank you and any advice or imput would be great. I don't want to assume she is trying starving herself until I know more info. I sat down and we had a conversation and I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything. She had a tear in her eye and told me no. I am not trying to pry but just let her know I am always here. Sometimes she is happy and acting like her normal self and then others she is sad and moping around. I asked her if she has started her priod and she hasn't. I know she will tell me when she does. Is this just normal behavior for a young girl starting to get into the next phase of her life and getting ready for the teenage years?

I just need to vent and look for some advice besides bringing her to a psych. My husband is also concerned but just hoping she is having a bad week with her friends and her cold and she will be back to her normal self next week. I cried all the way into work this morning. I just want to take away any pain she has and I want to tell her best friends mom that she called my daughter fat and needs to apologize. But I don't want to be THAT MOM!

BTW- I try really hard not to bring my own body issues and self esteem into my house. I am a work in progress and maybe she is picking this up from me which makes me feel even worse. I just want my happy 10 year old back. :sad:

ponycyndi · February 2014

I have a teen year old also. I would not wait for him to bring up the subject. If something needs to be said, I'll say it, and open up the conversation. Even if that isn't what's wrong, I can still say that everyone's bodies are different, and that's ok. That your body can do amazing things, and you have to take care of it, or where will you live? Focus on nutrition, eating as fuel to do all the things you want to do in a day. Point out ads that aren't realistic. Point out real bodies in person, and say we all have our good qualities. Just talk to he, because she may have things on her mind, but doesn't know how to bring it up, or how to verbalize what's on her mind.

hep26000 · February 2014

We do have a close relationship and talk about a lot of things which is why this is so puzzling to me. I have talked about why her body looks different than her other friends. She has an athletic build (I personally think her other friends are too skinny but I don't want my daughter to judge them like they did her)

I just think it is so sad and defeating that she is wanting to change something about herself. I really wish she could see herself thru my eyes and how I see her. She is so amazing and I could learn to be a little more like her.

karibj2010 · February 2014

As a mom of a daughter who is a recovering anoerxic...don't wait. Even if it is not the beginning stages of an eating disorder...the more you keep those lines of communication open, the better. My daughter couldn't tell me (she was living with her dad at the time) what she was going through...her now ex-step mom finally contacted me and after a month of her being back at home with me, I had to put her into the hospital (just in time)...she was 16 years old at the time, and now at 24 years old she herself is a mom and doing very well. But there are times that it will hit me ... Thank God I didn't wait any longer than I did.

I'm not trying to scare you, just want you to keep aware.

I hope it is just her feeling down about her friends and not feeling well **hugs**

katylil · February 2014

I still have my diary from the year I turned eleven. The very first page, my New Years Resolution: #1 Lose 10kg.

I find this post so sad because I recognise so many of the things you mention from my own childhood. I'd like to disclaim straight away that I never had an eating disorder. I was never anorexic, bulimic or even (and I can say this now looking back on my old photos) fat. I was healthy. I did gymnastics and swimming, went walking and biking with my family, ate good nutritious food and the occasional treat or McDonalds. I was a normal, happy, healthy child. Unfortunately both my best friend and my younger sister are very similar to your daughter's: very, very slim and a very picky eater. Coupled with the obsession our society feels to comment on every female celebrity's body and their wight loss/gains, this made me naturally feel ugly and inferior. I tried to fit in and went through cycles of not eating a lot and then eating midnight feasts (which I'm still embarrassed about and have never told anyone about...).

I was never massively overweight and I never reached my "goal" weight (I still haven't). But I didn't understand a lot of things about my body. The fact that you've already undertaken a journey to be healthy is a fantastic step I think. She's lucky to have you as a role model. Why not try talking to her about YOUR journey? Explain to her your difficulties and dreams. Tell her that you want to be healthy, not skinny, that you want to be fit and strong and eat good food and be able to run and bike and lift things. Help her feel understood and proud of her body. 10 is an awkward age and complicated age but nowadays girls grow up so quickly.

You don't have to tell her everything about your struggles. But I know that what I would have appreciated most of all back then was to know that I wasn't the only person struggling or feeling this way. For someone to talk to me and show me that there are other body types apart from skinny. That our body has other functions other than to look pretty in size 2 clothes. Encourage her to play sports with you and feel the positive effects it has on her esteem as well as her body.

Make it a conversation. She may open up to you. She may not. But I know it would have helped me

Good luck and massive hugs to you. It's not an easy situation xx

ajsdream · February 2014

So sorry you're going through this! This is one of my biggest fears about having a daughter now (she's 1). Unfortunately, you can't control what they are experiencing outside of the home, and friends are such big influences!

I'm sure you'll get some good responses from those with daughters that are older, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you're doing the right thing by getting involved right away, even if it turns out to be nothing. I have friends with older children who have ignored such issues, calling it "a phase", and that only seems to lead to more problems.

threefancy · February 2014

It sounds like she is growing apart from these two girls, and it will take some time for her to accept that and find a new group of friends with more common interests like sports. Is there any way you can help her meet new people? Just based on what you typed, I don't see this as an eating disorder issue but more of a social issue.

This actually reminds me of what I went through when I was the same age. My group of friends ganged up on me and ultimately stopped speaking to me. I still don't know why. It took me a long time to move on and find a new group of kids who accepted me for who I was.

MountainTopMom · February 2014

First, remember when you were entering teen years? Remember the awkwardness, the displeasure with your body, wanting to be like your friends, the living&dying by what your best friends said and did, all the gossip? I have a 16 year old, very thin daughter, who comments that she is fat. wow. Our self image at those ages is so out-of-whack, it's unbelievable. I think our kids are starting phases earlier than WE ever did, and there are many arguments as to WHY that is, but it IS happening faster. Second grade 'mean girls' - wow, that just blew me away.

BTW- I try really hard not to bring my own body issues and self esteem into my house. I am a work in progress and maybe she is picking this up from me which makes me feel even worse. I just want my happy 10 year old back. :sad:

All that to say, don't hide what you're doing from her. Just talk to her - all the time. Don't make hiding things, even good things, the norm in your family. Talk about why you are doing what you're doing, what is healthy?, you do things for your own health and to benefit those around you, you're not trying to be size double 00 (unless you are, sorry didn't look at your profile) or to look like any of the models in magazines and that many of them are not "healthy", and how the media bombards us with unrealistic and unhealthy pictures of what we are supposed to 'desire', about what you did for exercise/strengthening today, how she is growing & developing & 'becoming', how proud you are of her - just keeping the communication open. Open and honest. And just ask her - I'm really concerned about your eating habits changing, is it b/c of your cold? is it something else? You seem sad, want to tell me about what's bothering you? If she shuts down or blows you off, try again another time. Don't quit on your kid.

Maybe she's just decided that pizza is not healthy for her, and she would prefer a healthier option? Maybe school food is terrible and she wants to take PB&J or leftovers or salad. Show her how to build a healthy lunch with all the nutrients she needs to focus on school, not a pathetic lunch that will have her snoozing by 5th period. Tell her what her body needs and why. What her body, as an athlete, needs to function at it's peak.

Tell her wonderful, good things you admire about her body, her character, her strength. We are not defined by a tag on our pants or a number on a scale. When you go for a walk or bike ride or yoga, ask if she wants to join you (exercise PLUS time with mom alone!). And "I need to take water while exercising because..." and "I need to have XXX for some protein because...." Teaching by doing, showing, modeling.

I think you're doing great - you are the mom and you have a concern and are trying to find out the "why" - trust your gut and do what you know is best for your kid. No one knows better how to handle it than you do. Good luck!

cuinboston2014 · February 2014

I'm about to leave work and hit the gym so I was only able to glance at the other responses and there is tons of great advice. My daughter is 7, so while she's only three years behind, I know the difference at those ages is tremendous. I also have three nieces, one of them being 11. I'm super close with my daughter and my neice.

I know my daughter and niece will eventually talk or forget about somethign that isn't serious after a good round of being removed from the situation and laughing. Laughter cures all. And what it doesn't, we will talk about. Granted, my niece isn't my daughter and my daughter is only 7.

Her behavior is pretty consistent with that of a tween - but that's why it's important to talk with her. I'm not a psychologist by any stretch of the imagination but have to imagine whatever is on her mind now isn't related to food and is actually related to something else - social, body, etc. Anything else. At her age, I'd sit down, watch the Olympics and try to bond over that and how far we can take the human body and how skinny isn't strong - how athletic is strong and healthy and something to aspire to. But I'd also use it as a conversation to say 'Hey, friends suck sometimes (they do - they always will - as awesome as they are those relationships can be stressful just like anything else.' We can't always control our relationships, but we can build ourselves up to be the strongest, best version of ourselves regardless of what ANYONE else thinks. It's not up to them, but us, to be happy or sad.

With the weekend coming up, maybe ask her if there is anything that she would want to do together. If you dont' have time for the activity she picks, try to throw out another idea stemming from it. I know when my daughter complains about people at school, I try to take time, even 20 minutes or some hot chocolate and a board game, to reconnect and help her remember that family and health are two of the most important things you can imagine.

Good luck with her, dear!! Stay strong. Stay by her side. With a tight family she will open up and be OK

DerryJohn · February 2014

I have two daughters. one is 8 the other is 11. last year they were bullied because of how big i was. i came to school to pick them up and some other children mooed at me and told my girls they are going to be as fat as me. my girls are very thin, they take after their mother, and for a while they were worried that they were going to be fat because dad was fat. this was a real turning point in my life. i got a gastric sleeve and lost about 50lbs. i am 240 now aiming for 190. I often worry my girls will develop an eating disorder because of my weight. i try to be positive and instead of saying daddy needs to lose weight, i say daddy is trying to be strong and healthy. which is true. i want to be with my family for as long as possible. i encourage my girls to play sports (they love soccer and want to take ballet classes next year), eat healthy with the occasional treat, and enjoy life

LissaK1981 · February 2014

I feel for you and your girl. I always knew I was a bigger girl in school, and my first wake up was getting made fun of by the other girls for big boobs with no bra around 10. I was humiliated and begged my dad that night for a bra. It may take a little time for her to heal. Don't get mad at her for not eating, but maybe take her out for more active stuff and start teaching her the nuts and bolts of nutrition. Teach her about food, and calories and exercise. I wish someone had taught me. I didn't really have a lot of my mothers guidance about puberty and fashion growin up (divorced parents). I would say talk to her openly and teach her. She will have to figure the rest out for herself.

hep26000 · February 2014

Thank you everyone for your support and feedback. I am so happy to share that my daughter is back to herself. It was probably about 8-9 days total of struggling but her cold has completely gone away and she has her appetitie back.
When I asked her straight out if she was not eating because she was called fatty- she swore that wasn't the issue. She just wasn't hungry. I made her an appt with her pedi for later this week and over the weekend, she ate all her meals. I also bought some special lunch meals and cutesy containers. Today she is having homemade lunchables (ritz, salami and cheese) and she has pretzel sticks and her favorite fruit- canteloupe. YUM!
I also bought some stuff to make her own pizza lunchables with English Muffins. And I bought some fancy cocktail stirers to make a sandwich kabob with turkey, cheese and cherry tomatoes which she LOVES! So much better than her normal peanut butter sandwich (she doesn't like jelly)
She is excited to eat her lunch today and I am so excited she has her appetite back.
She has also worked everything out with her friends. They apologized for being mean and hopefully they learned a lesson about what they say can really hurt someone. My daughter doesn't hold grudges for very long and they are all back to normal.
Thank God!

Is my daughter starting to show signs of an eating disorder?

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