Coming Clean About Binge Eating

Hello everyone! I am posting this more for myself than anything else, just needed to get it off my chest!

I've come to realize just today that how I treat my body, what I put in my body, and the obsession I have over what I put in my body just isn't normal. I'm realizing that most people do not have the every day struggle I have, and they do not obsess over food the way that I do. So I'm putting myself out there, admitting that I have a problem, coming clean about the struggle I have everyday, the battle I face alone and have never admitted to anyone. I have a binge eating problem. I have been someone with a binge eating problem for years now, and at first I didn't think it was an actual issue. I thought it was because I liked food, or I didn't feel like dieting. I realize now that it is much more than that. The issue comes from much deeper. It's like an addiction, and I realize I need to get clean and stay clean.

I've been dieting since I was very young. I remember being in the first grade and wanting to roller skate around the block so I could lose weight. I didn't understand the concept of eating well back then, I don't think my parents were healthy eaters and I don't remember ever being taught to eat healthy or being told that I couldn't have something. I don't know what triggered me to gain weight, but I have been overweight for as long as I can remember and it became a part of my life. Dieting and trying to lose weight has been a part of my identity. As I get older, it is more and more difficult to stick to a "diet". I lose and gain weight like it's my job. I cut carbs one week and lose 5 pounds, then binge 5 days in a row and gain it all back plus some. What I have been doing to my body and to my mind is not healthy. I am obsessed with getting to the perfect size, with getting down to a certain number, and that obsession has warped my mind completely. The obsession with being perfect in my diet, in my exercise routine, is what is causing me to not succeed. I started today on a low carb diet, and by the afternoon had already binged, and then felt guilty and ashamed, which only made me want to binge more.

But I stopped, and instead did a search on binge eating disorder. And what I found was an article about how to overcome it and one of the things that it said was throw away the idea of perfection, don't restrict but try to eat whole, healthy foods, and just be patient. Celebrate the small victories, and don't beat yourself for having a slip up. Today I am accepting who I am (or atleast taking steps toward that, it may be a long road) and have decided that I will not diet, I will not restrict, I will not track my calories. I will not obsess over what I put in my mouth, or how I look, or what people are thinking about me. I will just do my best to eat healthy, exercise and take care of myself. Because while I have been obsessing over every calorie and every pound, my life has been passing me by. Today I choose to live.