Having the "talk" with your child
My DD is 9 years old.
So a couple of weeks ago my DD asked me "Daddy, did you know that Justin Beiber got arrested?"
I smiled and said "Yep, heard it on the news."
She then said "The girls talking also said he had SEX with Selena Gomez. I don't really know what sex is, but is bad?"
My smile went to the "Dumb and Dumber" look. Then I said "We're gonna talk about that real soon."
So how have parents who have gone through this already do it?
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
So a couple of weeks ago my DD asked me "Daddy, did you know that Justin Beiber got arrested?"
I smiled and said "Yep, heard it on the news."
She then said "The girls talking also said he had SEX with Selena Gomez. I don't really know what sex is, but is bad?"
My smile went to the "Dumb and Dumber" look. Then I said "We're gonna talk about that real soon."
So how have parents who have gone through this already do it?
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Replies
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it's lower than you think.0
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You retain a calm facade on the outside while you silently scream and cover your head on the inside.
People will approach it differently of course but the way I've always handled it is to let them lead the conversation a bit. I ask questions to find out how much they already know and how much they're wanting to know at that time. I remember my then seven year old telling me she knew what sex was. After I finished my internal screaming I asked her what she thought it was and in her mind it was "kissing while you're naked". I told her that was part of it but there was more to it than that and how much did she want to know? She thought about it a little bit and told me she thought she was far too young to know more than that but she'd ask me later. Phew! She did ask a few years later and we discussed whatever she wanted to know.
I think it's important that you make sure you let them know that they can ask whatever they want and you won't freak out and that as a parent you don't present it as something dirty or nasty. My kids are pretty sheltered since they're homeschooled and we don't have any regular TV channels but they're still exposed to quite a bit of information from many other sources. I've tried to make it clear that they can talk to me about stuff and expect that I'll remain calm and not make them feel bad and that no topic is off limits.
The biggest trick is to let them know that sex is awesome within certain contexts (insert your personal moral/value system here) and not make them feel shamed or scar them for life.
I don't think I helped at all. Usually the conversation comes out of the blue and I fake my way through it. My oldest is almost 20 and doesn't seem to be too messed up so hopefully I've done ok. They see their parents act affectionately to each other all the time and know sex is part of our relationship and that we seem to enjoy it so that probably helps.
ETA: I find a little humor with the older kids helps alleviate tension. I recently told my oldest "always remember! Spooning leads to forking!" She about died laughing.0 -
Agree with Knittnponder about letting the child lead the conversation. I'll share a funny story.
My son, who was about 9 years old at the time, asked me what gay was. I answered him openly & honestly and was very proud of myself for not freaking out. I thought I handled it beautifully. Then I asked him why he asked. He replied "because I'm learning the Flinstone's theme song on piano, and they say let's have a gay old time and I didn't know what that meant."
Lesson learned - always ask "why do you ask" first.0 -
My parents never had the talk with me and I kept from having sex until I was in college.
I guess that approach doesn't always work out so well though.0 -
My 9 year is a natural history fan and knows far more about the biology of reproduction of various species (inc humans) than I could ever tell him. I've just being drip feeding the ethics side of it for the last few months with good reason it turns out. His best friend has an older teenage brother who has introduced them to porn a hell of a lot earlier than I was expecting.
There is nothing like the freak out that was going on in my brain the other week when I found him surrounded by lego and watching girl or girl action on his I-pod! Cue the purchase of parental control apps and a ban on electronic devices in his room!
(If my sister reads this don't tell mum!)0 -
i got the talk at an earlier than usual age after asking my dad what a but* fuc*er was after my older cousins were saying it.
i turned out alright0 -
Thanks for the input. I'm really open with my DD and tell her she can always confide in me when she has something on her mind. So far it's been easy going, but since I have no experience on how to converse with a child about sex, this is really a big help. Thanks again.You retain a calm facade on the outside while you silently scream and cover your head on the inside.
People will approach it differently of course but the way I've always handled it is to let them lead the conversation a bit. I ask questions to find out how much they already know and how much they're wanting to know at that time. I remember my then seven year old telling me she knew what sex was. After I finished my internal screaming I asked her what she thought it was and in her mind it was "kissing while you're naked". I told her that was part of it but there was more to it than that and how much did she want to know? She thought about it a little bit and told me she thought she was far too young to know more than that but she'd ask me later. Phew! She did ask a few years later and we discussed whatever she wanted to know.
I think it's important that you make sure you let them know that they can ask whatever they want and you won't freak out and that as a parent you don't present it as something dirty or nasty. My kids are pretty sheltered since they're homeschooled and we don't have any regular TV channels but they're still exposed to quite a bit of information from many other sources. I've tried to make it clear that they can talk to me about stuff and expect that I'll remain calm and not make them feel bad and that no topic is off limits.
The biggest trick is to let them know that sex is awesome within certain contexts (insert your personal moral/value system here) and not make them feel shamed or scar them for life.
I don't think I helped at all. Usually the conversation comes out of the blue and I fake my way through it. My oldest is almost 20 and doesn't seem to be too messed up so hopefully I've done ok. They see their parents act affectionately to each other all the time and know sex is part of our relationship and that we seem to enjoy it so that probably helps.
ETA: I find a little humor with the older kids helps alleviate tension. I recently told my oldest "always remember! Spooning leads to forking!" She about died laughing.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Even though I have gay cousins (and she' loves them to death) my DW thinks we should hold out till she asks. And she hasn't asked yet.Agree with Knittnponder about letting the child lead the conversation. I'll share a funny story.
My son, who was about 9 years old at the time, asked me what gay was. I answered him openly & honestly and was very proud of myself for not freaking out. I thought I handled it beautifully. Then I asked him why he asked. He replied "because I'm learning the Flinstone's theme song on piano, and they say let's have a gay old time and I didn't know what that meant."
Lesson learned - always ask "why do you ask" first.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Bumping to read replies later. I am dreading doing this so badly! But my oldest is 8 and I know it won't be long before it comes up.
Edited before the grammar police caught me.
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My 5 year old daughter explained to me that she knew it took a boy and a girl to make another person. Delighted with her knowledge I smiled at her and nodded. (not adding to the conversation since it was really more than she needed to know at age 5) Then she asked me, "If it takes two people to make a person, who made God?"
Suddenly a cute innocent conversation got all deep and shi*. To which I replied, "Go ask your dad."0 -
I know this will be coming soon...my son is 11, and they are already going over some of it in health class.
He knows that since I'm a paramedic, he will get straight, no bs answers from me.
He also knows that he will get my expectations of him (waiting until committed relationship, feels he is old enough to handle being a parent).
I now need rum, just thinking about it. Oy.0 -
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My mother never discussed sex with me. I found out all through my sisters, friends and school lessons. I asked her later and she said she never talked about it with her mother either. It was a taboo subject. I didn't want that with my sons but I never pushed it either. When they ask a question, I would find out a bit about the background as to where they heard and in what context and then I answer the question but only that question. If they wanted to know more, I would tell them but most of the time, they only want that question answered and then they will be back in their own world.
My kids went to a public school in Australia. They have a fantastic program which takes them through all the details when they are about 12 (Year 7). In year 8 they go to High school and in Biology they learn a lot more. My boys have talk me a thing or two.
As long as they know that they can come to you and you give them a direct and honest answer, then you cant go wrong.0 -
My DD is 9 years old.
So a couple of weeks ago my DD asked me "Daddy, did you know that Justin Beiber got arrested?"
I smiled and said "Yep, heard it on the news."
She then said "The girls talking also said he had SEX with Selena Gomez. I don't really know what sex is, but is bad?"
My smile went to the "Dumb and Dumber" look. Then I said "We're gonna talk about that real soon."
So how have parents who have gone through this already do it?
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I have a general recommendation: Don't tell the kid too much. By that I mean more than they want to know.
When they seem satisfied with your answer you can stop talking till they have another question. (at least pre puberty, there's stuff that needs to be covered around then whether they ask or not)
Sorta extreme example if a three year old asks where babies come from the answer is "They grow inside their mothers." They will be perfectly happy with this answer. Launching into a discussion of coitus and relationships, sexual pleasure and the responsibilities of reproduction would just baffle them.
For a 9 year old "What is sex?" You probably don't need to get into the precise mechanics. He probably just wants to know what kind of thing it is like...category wise. So the answer could be as simple as saying it's something couples do that can make babies.
"The Talk" goes a lot better if you don't try to have it all at once. Just talk to your kid as they grow up. Answer questions.0 -
I have a daughter and I let my wife deal with those issues. That being said it is good to remember that sex, in the right setting, is not a dirty or naughty thing. It is good-- again in the right setting. I would share that part and let her know that her mom fill her in on the other parts. That being said I would not have a problem discussing it with a son or even my daughter if my wife were not able or willing to address it. It is just easier for my wife to relate some of the things that pertains to female sexuality.0
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My son is nine. I have a book from when I was a kid about the human body. It doesn't go into mechanics, but there are some non graphic illustrations and a description of how eggs are fertilized. There's also other stuff in the book about growth, how eyes work, digestion, so it's not awkward. He and my step son love that book. There is also a discovery Chanel (I think..) special on Netflix about the science of babies. It shows how they grow and develop. I'm going to check it out. I figure at this age, it isn't about "feelings" and such yet, just curiosity.0
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Lol. I do the opposite.My 5 year old daughter explained to me that she knew it took a boy and a girl to make another person. Delighted with her knowledge I smiled at her and nodded. (not adding to the conversation since it was really more than she needed to know at age 5) Then she asked me, "If it takes two people to make a person, who made God?"
Suddenly a cute innocent conversation got all deep and shi*. To which I replied, "Go ask your dad."
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Probably depends on how much exposure to media/friends giving out concepts and information.
We homeschool, so their concepts of male/female relationships come primarily from Mom and Dad.
We are very, very careful about who they spend time with and what they see/hear....no tv in our house for the last 12 years, no magazine subscriptions, no internet exposure that we are not totally watching.
Our children are told how to conduct themselves around the opposite sex....be respectful, don't touch inappropriately...no "friendly" hugging (when they get past 4-5years old), don't gossip and tease flirtatiously. When those boys grow up, they will have broad shoulders, deep voices, and a MEMORY. They will remember my girls, and that they behaved themselves with kindness and respect. For my son, similar talks will begin, as my husband and I will explain be ready to help him understand his sudden curiosity about the opposite sex, how to stay mentally directed, physically pure, and steer clear of provocative girls. There is a time and place for that! With my older girls, age-appropriate information continues to be revealed (although more specific details of the sex act are not) . Our homeschooling includes understanding our bodies, but intimate sexual information is for later.
My teenage daughter (15) gets plenty of attention, but has already established her own behaviour...she is developing herself, her beauty, her style, her interests...without getting caught up in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
It's a big topic, not sure what all to include in my answer.0 -
Makes sense. I have a tendency to keep answers and explanations simplistic and short. So this sounds right up my alley.My DD is 9 years old.
So a couple of weeks ago my DD asked me "Daddy, did you know that Justin Beiber got arrested?"
I smiled and said "Yep, heard it on the news."
She then said "The girls talking also said he had SEX with Selena Gomez. I don't really know what sex is, but is bad?"
My smile went to the "Dumb and Dumber" look. Then I said "We're gonna talk about that real soon."
So how have parents who have gone through this already do it?
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I have a general recommendation: Don't tell the kid too much. By that I mean more than they want to know.
When they seem satisfied with your answer you can stop talking till they have another question. (at least pre puberty, there's stuff that needs to be covered around then whether they ask or not)
Sorta extreme example if a three year old asks where babies come from the answer is "They grow inside their mothers." They will be perfectly happy with this answer. Launching into a discussion of coitus and relationships, sexual pleasure and the responsibilities of reproduction would just baffle them.
For a 9 year old "What is sex?" You probably don't need to get into the precise mechanics. He probably just wants to know what kind of thing it is like...category wise. So the answer could be as simple as saying it's something couples do that can make babies.
"The Talk" goes a lot better if you don't try to have it all at once. Just talk to your kid as they grow up. Answer questions.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I'm thinking that if I'm involved in the conversation, she won't shy away from me if she has a "female" question. I may not be able to fully answer it, but if I can at least give her the confidence to feel I'm not out of the loop, she'll feel more open to talking to me about it.I have a daughter and I let my wife deal with those issues. That being said it is good to remember that sex, in the right setting, is not a dirty or naughty thing. It is good-- again in the right setting. I would share that part and let her know that her mom fill her in on the other parts. That being said I would not have a problem discussing it with a son or even my daughter if my wife were not able or willing to address it. It is just easier for my wife to relate some of the things that pertains to female sexuality.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
If she were mine, asking if sex is bad, I would say "sex is something that God designed to be a gift for people who are married to each other. When married people have sex, it is a good thing, and sometimes babies can be born because of it which is also a very good thing. But, it is bad for people who are not married to have sex, because it is like peeking at Christmas presents early. It ruins the gift and turns something that was meant to be good, bad."0
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I'm a biology teacher... (albeit currently working in different jobs).... I've taught this subject to whole classes of giggling year 7 students. (that's the age they teach this in science in the UK) Talking to kids individually is a lot easier than a whole bunch of them, especially when they're teens and pre-teens. So you have that advantage as a parent....
An important point as a parent..... rather than having "THE TALK" with your child, try to just be honest and open with their questions, just as you would be with any other subject. If they ask "why do you go to work?" you'd tell them that you have to go to work to earn money to buy stuff... you're not going to sit them down and give them a whole lesson in economics and work ethics.... you give them an age appropriate answer, then answer any more questions that come from that.... it should be the same with sex, relationships and all related topics. So they ask "what is sex?" you can just tell them what it is... it's a bit harder to explain, hence books etc with age appropriate diagrams and explanations but just try to treat it like any other question.... too much information in one go will often send kids into information overload... give them a straight forward answer, then answer whatever questions they have.
(Actually the biggest difficulty in teaching this topic to year 7s is making them realise that they're never going to get an exam question like this:
Fill in the blanks: The man puts his _________ into the woman's __________.
They're going to get exam questions about fertilisation in plants, or labelling the male and female reproductive system (not just the most obvious organ), the life cycle of frogs, about pregnancy, placentas and stuff like that, because reproduction is a much much wider topic than sex...) but that's for science teachers to worry about.... as a parent your kids aren't going to be doing any tests in the subject (well I guess they will at school at some point).... so just focus on giving honest answers to your kid's questions and get an age appropriate book to help you out if necessary.
Honesty and openness is vitally important if you want your kids to come to you for advice about stuff like this when they're older, and that can make a big difference in terms of them understanding the importance of safe sex, not being pressured into it before they're ready, etc.0 -
Wow. My school started sex-ed in the fourth grade. I was 9. Some girls start their periods that early. I may be the odd-duck on this one, but I think age 9/10ish is a very appropriate age to explain the very basics of what the act is, what it leads to (pregnancy), why it's important to wait until a person is (insert your moral narrative here), and especially why it's important to have respect for their bodies/take care of them and not feel bad about telling someone that it isn't ok to touch them in ways that make them uncomfortable. 4th grade girls are typically starting to develop immature/youthful crushes on boys and older boys will sometimes try to take advantage of that. I think that by making sure young girls understand their bodies, we empower them. Having said all that I will now climb down off of my soap box and add that my daughter is only 3, so my theories on what to do have NOT been tested. lol0
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Imhbus your points sound wise. You have a lucky 3 year old.0
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Wow. My school started sex-ed in the fourth grade. I was 9. Some girls start their periods that early. I may be the odd-duck on this one, but I think age 9/10ish is a very appropriate age to explain the very basics of what the act is, what it leads to (pregnancy), why it's important to wait until a person is (insert your moral narrative here), and especially why it's important to have respect for their bodies/take care of them and not feel bad about telling someone that it isn't ok to touch them in ways that make them uncomfortable. 4th grade girls are typically starting to develop immature/youthful crushes on boys and older boys will sometimes try to take advantage of that. I think that by making sure young girls understand their bodies, we empower them. Having said all that I will now climb down off of my soap box and add that my daughter is only 3, so my theories on what to do have NOT been tested. lol
This is very true. My friend has just completed a Masters in sexual health and she says all the research suggest that the earlier you start discussing this stuff (with age appropriate language etc) the better. In fact she says that children raised in homes with open discussion are less susceptible to abuse because a) they are aware that it is wrong and b) less embarrassed to tell someone which effectively removes two weapons from paedophiles. We have a booklet provided by the West Australian department of health that says the same thing0 -
My 9 year is a natural history fan and knows far more about the biology of reproduction of various species (inc humans) than I could ever tell him. I've just being drip feeding the ethics side of it for the last few months with good reason it turns out. His best friend has an older teenage brother who has introduced them to porn a hell of a lot earlier than I was expecting.
There is nothing like the freak out that was going on in my brain the other week when I found him surrounded by lego and watching girl or girl action on his I-pod! Cue the purchase of parental control apps and a ban on electronic devices in his room!
(If my sister reads this don't tell mum!)
Have now got to clean brankflakes and milk off my keyboard :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I won't tell mum
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Wow. My school started sex-ed in the fourth grade. I was 9. Some girls start their periods that early. I may be the odd-duck on this one, but I think age 9/10ish is a very appropriate age to explain the very basics of what the act is, what it leads to (pregnancy), why it's important to wait until a person is (insert your moral narrative here), and especially why it's important to have respect for their bodies/take care of them and not feel bad about telling someone that it isn't ok to touch them in ways that make them uncomfortable. 4th grade girls are typically starting to develop immature/youthful crushes on boys and older boys will sometimes try to take advantage of that. I think that by making sure young girls understand their bodies, we empower them. Having said all that I will now climb down off of my soap box and add that my daughter is only 3, so my theories on what to do have NOT been tested. lol
This is very true. My friend has just completed a Masters in sexual health and she says all the research suggest that the earlier you start discussing this stuff (with age appropriate language etc) the better. In fact she says that children raised in homes with open discussion are less susceptible to abuse because a) they are aware that it is wrong and b) less embarrassed to tell someone which effectively removes two weapons from paedophiles. We have a booklet provided by the West Australian department of health that says the same thing
very important point0 -
My 9 year is a natural history fan and knows far more about the biology of reproduction of various species (inc humans) than I could ever tell him. I've just being drip feeding the ethics side of it for the last few months with good reason it turns out. His best friend has an older teenage brother who has introduced them to porn a hell of a lot earlier than I was expecting.
There is nothing like the freak out that was going on in my brain the other week when I found him surrounded by lego and watching girl or girl action on his I-pod! Cue the purchase of parental control apps and a ban on electronic devices in his room!
(If my sister reads this don't tell mum!)
Have now got to clean brankflakes and milk off my keyboard :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I won't tell mum
Thank you xxx0 -
Agree with Knittnponder about letting the child lead the conversation. I'll share a funny story.
My son, who was about 9 years old at the time, asked me what gay was. I answered him openly & honestly and was very proud of myself for not freaking out. I thought I handled it beautifully. Then I asked him why he asked. He replied "because I'm learning the Flinstone's theme song on piano, and they say let's have a gay old time and I didn't know what that meant."
Lesson learned - always ask "why do you ask" first.
That is hilarious 0 -
You retain a calm facade on the outside while you silently scream and cover your head on the inside.
People will approach it differently of course but the way I've always handled it is to let them lead the conversation a bit. I ask questions to find out how much they already know and how much they're wanting to know at that time. I remember my then seven year old telling me she knew what sex was. After I finished my internal screaming I asked her what she thought it was and in her mind it was "kissing while you're naked". I told her that was part of it but there was more to it than that and how much did she want to know? She thought about it a little bit and told me she thought she was far too young to know more than that but she'd ask me later. Phew! She did ask a few years later and we discussed whatever she wanted to know.
My mum told me that when I was 6 years old I asked "Mummy, what's rape?"
She freaked out internally, then she asked me why I wanted to know, and it turned out that at school we had been learning about fish.0
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