Aussie newbie sharing my story!

Hi everyone,

I’ve been using MFP for about a month now and have seen great results! I had already lost 3kg (6lb) when I joined and have managed to lose three more since starting (much quicker than I could on my own). I’m 5’3 and only want to lose approx 10kg (22lb), so it has been a slow process but as they say, slow and steady wins the race right?!

However I have also suffered from EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) and OCD for the last 13 years. I yo-yo between symptoms of anorexia and binge eating disorder, and I obsess over everything I eat – I have all these crazy rules I feel I have to follow. As a result, I’m having real difficulty actually believing that I am doing a good job at losing weight. It never seems like enough. I’ve gone from an AU size 14 (us 10 / uk 12) to an AU size 10-12 (us 6-8 / uk 8-10) but I’m still horrified when I look in the mirror. Although MFP has taught me SO much, it has also really exacerbated my condition. I spend every spare minute analysing my food diary and other’s diaries, trying to see how I can do better, planning my meals for the next day and trying to get my calories as low as possible. I know all about calorie deficits, starvation mode, eating exercise calories etc, but it doesn’t make a difference. To my brain, food is the enemy and out to get me. I weigh myself every morning, sometimes twice a day, and if the scale goes up even 200g I get so depressed. I know that weight fluctuates due to water retention etc, but the eating disorder has such a hold on me that I end up furious with myself and cut my calories the next day.

Looking back, it’s so upsetting because this didn’t have to happen. My childhood was tough and my mother always made me feel I was overweight, when I now realise I wasn’t. She would restrict my food and tell me she was ‘watching my waistline’. She put me on my first diet when I was only 7 years old. Had I grown up in a more supportive environment, I would have had a healthier body image and never would have ended up in this cycle of starve – lose weight – binge – gain weight…

Using MFP, I lost the first 2kg in about 2 weeks eating 1200 calories (as recommended by MFP). Seeing that in writing seems amazing. That’s a huge effort for someone who has struggled to shift these last 10kg for about five years. But at the time, it wasn’t good enough. I’d always dreamed of getting back down to 65kg (143lb), but when I did, that wasn’t enough. I thought I’d be thrilled getting to 64kg (141lb), but when I got there, all I wanted to do was get to 63kg (138lb).

I’ve been beating myself up over it so much that I’ve restricted my calories to about 800 a day for the past week or so. I’m tired all the time and constantly starving. And I’ve only lost 500g.

I’ve only recently started to open up to people about my eating disorder. I just can’t live like this anymore. My fiancé and two best friends have been absolutely amazing and have helped me so much. Knowing they love me has spurred me on to get over this, once and for all. I’m trying to turn this around. My goal for now is to keep going with MFP until I achieve that goal of 10kg (22lb). I want to do it in a safe and healthy way. Follow the 1200 calorie guideline, drink plenty of water, eat back my exercise calories and meet my protein / carbs / sugar goals etc. If I can do it safely, without obsessing, that will prove to me that I am in control of my eating once and for all.

Just wanted to share my story with you guys and thank you all for the informative forum posts. Even from a lurkers perspective, there is SO much useful stuff on here to keep you motivated and feeling good about your efforts