Binge eating disorder. NEED SUPPORT!

Tummybrain
Tummybrain Posts: 3
in Motivation and Support
Hi everyone,

So, just for a little background in my story. I'm 19 years old. I began losing weight July 2012, mostly by cardio/running and eating around 1200-1400 calories a day. I'd went from 185-151 by the end of the November 2012. Around the end of October that year I'd had my first binge. I didn't really understand it as a binge, nor did I see at as anything more than a slip-up at that point. These binges became more frequent into the New Year until I went to FL for 2 weeks and got everything back in order and stopped binging completely for a couple of months. After that, and some emotional pitfalls with friends and such, I began binging regularly. I developed full blown BED around April, but until the end of summer it would look more along the lines of 5-6 days eating at a deficit, 1 day binge (binge = 3400-6500 calories), so I maintained my weight at 151-157 for about 9 months. Then, beginning in August, I moved out of home and into my own apartment near my school campus. It's not that I was buying bad food, or even that I started drinking more, but I just started binging uncontrollably. It went from 6 day diet/1 day binge to 4/5/6 days binge, 1 day maintenance/diet. As of now, I've gained back almost SIXTY pounds since August. And it's only getting worse and worse. I'm still continuing to exercise regularly (running/weight lifting) but i'm already feeling the weight on my joints and running and cardio are getting increasingly harder. Almost none of my clothes fit me anymore, I stay awake at night pinching the extra inches of fat on my stomach and arms that weren't there just a few months ago and I'm becoming severely depressed. The weight gain has had negative effects on my grades, my concentration, my ability to even get out of bed in the morning. I can't count how many days I wake up and I just lay in bed the entire day because I just can't get myself to do anything - and of course, I eat while I lay.

I have tried on-campus therapy, and it did help for a little while but I was eventually recommended to find outside outpatient care and i'm having some trouble with my family health insurance at the moment, so I honestly just can't afford it. I don't know what to do anymore - telling myself "tomorrow is a new day" has become a nightly ritual, and 9/10 days I let myself down. I don't know what doctor i can see without insurance (my deadbeat father, who is supposed to pay for our insurance has gone MIA). I know I haven't exhausted all my options yet or even close but I honestly feel like I'll NEVER be able to go back to normal eating habits. I just feel so disgusting and fat and horrible, and despite this I keep eating. And most of it isn't unhealthy food - I eat a LOT of fruits and vegetables and whole grains and lean meat. I would say 20-30% of my diet is junk food (never fast food).

If anyone is in a similar situation or has gone through something similar, please let me know! I'm choosing to no longer calorie count because I've realized that it doesn't actually defer me from binging (I know how many calories are in food/how much I eat regardless) and I've been told by therapists that it's not the healthiest thing for someone recovering from an eating disorder, so instead I'm using MFP solely for the forum.

Just to give an idea of the weight loss/gain, the pictures below are from June 2012, August 2013, and January of this year, respectively.


http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=1zco3zl&s=8#.Uv_an0JdVC4

Replies

  • illarionova
    illarionova Posts: 3 Member
    Hey I feel your pain. I have been questioning my eating patterns in the past few months. I used to have really nice abs, in the summmer, then i steadily gained weighted through binge eating. The same kinds of habits you described. I have this voice in my head " Well you had one cookie, it's over now, might as well enjoy the whole box." I have about 30 lb to loose to my normal weight. And I'm having a tough time. I do strick deficit eating for 6-10 days, then have a binge day.
  • GBPackerFan14
    GBPackerFan14 Posts: 55 Member
    Are you me? I have been going through the same thing recently. I have gained 15 lbs since December after dropping from 240-142 (5'10" Male) But now I am back up to around 157 despite continuing to exercise daily. It has been such a struggle since even when I was 240 I wouldn't binge like this easily dropping 3k-5k and even 10k calories every couple days. I wish I had an answer for you, but all I can do is offer my support and your not alone in battling this even though you may feel that you are.
  • nenshali
    nenshali Posts: 331 Member
    Hello dear!

    Some general advice (which is less about losing weight and more about getting healthy) can be found here:

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1198789-how-to-stay-motivated-while-being-depressed-after-a-relapse


    I am suffering from bulimia nervosa, so I get the problem with binges. It's not really controllable. Please keep in mind that you are NOT a bad person if you slip back and that it's NOT your fault.
    And even if you get into the position that you have a binge and you cannot control it; it's okay, it can happen.

    But WHAT you can do is, try to make your daily life as structured (not controlled; structured!) as possible. Eat regularly and eat enough. That's really important. Furthermore, I know it costs time and strength, but if your binges are still a huge problem for you, I recomment writing an eating journal.

    This is not about punishing and surely not about counting calories. What I would write down is (maybe in a chart):
    - when did you eat (I wouldn't just write "in the morning" but preferably 10:10 am for example)
    - what did you eat and which amount (don't just write 'spaghetti' but 1 plate full of spaghetti". you don't need to weight your food, it's just about an approximate portion)
    - did you feel hungry and/or did you feel a craving
    - how did you feel/what did you do/think before you ate?

    I know this looks like a lot of work, but if you prepare such a chart, maybe as a word data, you can easily fill the stuff in. And by time, you will be able to spot certain patterns.
    You can identify certain triggers, you see whether certain food/meals made you full or not etc.
    It would, of course, be easier and better if you had the help of a therapist, but I think it can still help you.

    You said that you eat mostly healthy. That's great because binges can often occure because your body is missing certain nutrition (and if you need magnesium, you'll crave chocolate, for example). But if you eat mostly healthy, there is a big chance that at least there, your body is balanced.

    I know that you feel very stressed under this situation and I want to remind you that you are great the way you are and that this is not about losing weight, but about treating yourself better.
    You need new, more healthier coping skills for your feelings. Unfortunately, I cannot go in more details because I'm myself at a point in therapy where I slowly get my binges under control, but on the other hand absolutely cannot handle any emotional stress because I don't have any coping mechanism and my dysfunctional ones (hurting myself; eating and puking; hating myself) doesn't work anymore.

    I think it's a good thing that you continue with exercise, but please remember to keep it in moderation. It should not be to punish yourself, it should keep you healthy (or get you more healthy) and it can help to fight against depression (because the serotonine level in your brain blah blah).
    I know you have fought a lot already and I am proud of what you already achieved even though you maybe don't see anything good about it, but there is.

    Don't let yourself down, I'm sure you can make it! Try to dig somewhat deeper. That do you hide with your bingeing? What is holding you back? Because it's not the your body fat %, even though it might bother you. Eventually, it does not matter that much as you think. (Yes, it matters because it affects the way you see yourself! and even though I won't deny that we live in a fat- shaming society, it's also true that it's not your fat that is causing all your problems, it is just a side problem that OCCURES because of one or several causes that make you unhappy)!

    I don't know if anything I said actually applies to your situation or if you find it helpful, I just hope you'll find a way to help yourself and get happier again. I wish you so much luck! :)
  • lablueluna
    lablueluna Posts: 52

    But WHAT you can do is, try to make your daily life as structured (not controlled; structured!) as possible. Eat regularly and eat enough. That's really important. Furthermore, I know it costs time and strength, but if your binges are still a huge problem for you, I recomment writing an eating journal.

    This is not about punishing and surely not about counting calories. What I would write down is (maybe in a chart):
    - when did you eat (I wouldn't just write "in the morning" but preferably 10:10 am for example)
    - what did you eat and which amount (don't just write 'spaghetti' but 1 plate full of spaghetti". you don't need to weight your food, it's just about an approximate portion)
    - did you feel hungry and/or did you feel a craving
    - how did you feel/what did you do/think before you ate?

    nenshali said it all very well! I especially second the keeping a food journal suggestion along with recording how you felt/thought before you ate and after. I, too, have a history of bingeing, starting around age 10 (sad, but true). One thing that helped me tremendously when I first moved to New York city and started grad school, was seeing a nutritionist at my schools' health center. She asked that I keep a food journal and record hunger cues. I wasn't able to afford her after I finished school, so I understand the financial challenge.

    Use MFP as a tool and keep it private or public, depending on your comfort level. Maybe use the blog on here to record thoughts/feelings about meals or in the notes section of the food diary part. Or keep a paper one. Just some ideas...

    In any case, feel free to add me. I log in daily.

    Best of luck to you and know you are not alone. :smile:
  • SmujnZ
    SmujnZ Posts: 47 Member
    wow what a heartfelt cry for help - I wish I could give you answers, or a recipe for instant success - I can't do that!

    I can empathise with your journey on a lot of levels ..... on a personal level, I have to fight the "Battles" every day - sometimes every moment.... I have to consciously make the positive choice to not put the food in my mouth (for me its an emotional eating thing, I'm certainly not hungry!)...... some moments I succeed, others I don't.

    Just keep on trying, moment by moment, day by day. Every healthy choice you make is a good one, praise yourself for that. Every day is a blessing, be thankful for that.... and believe that you are stronger than you might think at this moment!

    Please feel free to add me - I'm almost old enough to be your mum, and on the other side of the world, but sometimes all it takes is a message to a "stranger" to keep you making good choices.

    Hugs
  • wonderwoman234
    wonderwoman234 Posts: 551 Member
    I belong to a women's eating disorder support group. I don't binge but others in my group do. I know that if you deal with the emotions, the binging can get better. Therapy is really important, especially from a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders. Eating too much, not enough, binging, binge/purge are all different behaviors but caused by the same thing - using food or the lack thereof to deal with unpleasant or painful emotions.

    Every woman in my group has had to learn to break away from perfectionistic thinking. This is a process that takes a while, but feeling like you are never quite "enough", thin enough, smart enough, happy enough, pleasing enough, whatever, is no way to go through life. The self-criticism that goes along with that is intense.

    At the very least, I would buy a few books on eating disorders or check out some books on cognitive distortions to at least learn about what might be going on with you.

    You can get better! Take it one day at a time and don't stress about not having everything perfect in your life right now. Make small changes and celebrate them. One step at a time.

    Hugs to you!
  • ColtenHClark
    ColtenHClark Posts: 1
    I feel you. I have a very severe problem with binge eating in 16 year old male and I can go a couple days eating little to nothing and then gorge myself till I'm sick (mentally and physically) I hope you can combat this

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