My Hope Of Sunshine

Hello, my name is Usha. Who is this Usha and what does that mean. Does a name have meaning? The place where I come from India, every name has a meaning. Well, my name mean “first ray of sunshine”. I was born in the early hours of the day. My mom was so happy to bring me into this world and she said I looked very beautiful and happy. She named me in a symbolic way to grow, prosper and shine in this world as “Usha”.

By this time you might have known why I am on this blog. But you might not have known my life journey. Fasten your seat belts for a long story but I tried my best to abbreviate.

Here I am to share my past unconditionally without wanting to be judged by my friends and family. Growing up as a child, I was second among four sisters. I was one of the strongest, hard working, always stood for what is right. In our culture a girl is not considered as on par with a boy. It’s sad but true. However, growing up I never believed in it and I always fought for it. I thank my parents for never brining up that feeling in me. At present that notion is changing in the society.

As a girl growing up I grew strong, bold and studious. I became comfortable in my skin. This is when I started adding extra pounds. I never realized it but it kept on adding. My friends, family suggested that I need to reduce my weight to get a proper groom. I wasn’t interested in marriage. I wanted to be a self dependent woman. In our society most of the marriages are arranged marriages. One day an alliance came which was my first ever, and I fell in love with him. He is the prince charming. He became my love of my life. I never loved anyone so much. I knew no boundaries of joy with him. I was so happy and deeply in love. He believed in me and I poured all my life in front of him.

From the time of engagement to our wedding there was 14 months in between. I was told to reduce weight by several sources including my hubby to be. I remember the very first letter he wrote with pencil sketches how I should look before and after. He gave me lots of inputs either how to reduce weight. At the time I tried several different diets, yoga, massages, jym and whatnot with not much of a result. One of the reasons I liked him because he gave importance how I looked inside rather than outside. He made me feel comfortable.

We got married and moved to US. The first two years were wonderful. I had several surprises for him. Being new in US not having a car or license, I used to walk several miles to get some small gifts to surprise on different occasions. He wasn’t interested in them but I sure did. I felt romantic. I was living in my dream world. The third year I got pregnant. I had a beautiful daughter. She is an angle. This was an important milestone in my life. This is also one of the dreaded time in my life since I found I wasn’t the love of his life. My world trembled and shook. My heart broke into pieces. Then came the arguments, fights, quarrels, and brawls whatever you can call. He started to blame at me, my parents and everything else. The grudge kept adding and I kept accumulating pounds.

I cannot solely point to that; it is also me who lost confidence in myself. I took the comfort of food. I made bad choices of eating. I became aloof from the rest of the world. He became dubious that I talk badly about him to my friends and family. I stopped talking to the rest of the world. I shut myself in from the rest of the world.

In the past few months there came a point I couldn’t take it anymore and wasn’t ready to face it anymore. There was a lot of anger that needs to vent out and I need to find peace within myself. I understand now that I need to let my past go away. I wish it was only a bad dream, I wish it never had happened but we cannot change the past. What I can change or can try is my present and the future. This is not an easy realization to make. It came after 5 long years of sorrow, grief and mourning if someone can understand the pain I was in.

My husband stopped sleeping with me more than 2 years ago. When I had emotions he rejected constantly and one day he said on my face that I was fat and he cannot make love to me. I was crushed. I did not want to be stared at my food plate from my hubby or others. We want to make our relationship work. I can see we are working together to heal our pain. I am happy about it. Currently, along with various other stuff, he is supporting me in setting up the weight goals.

All my life I have been a chubby life. One day my 4 yr old daughter after the shower asks me “ Mommy you have fat thighs. You are fat.” Until then I never heard the word fat from here. I didn’t realize that my forehead frowned instantly. She realized the emotion and then asked “Is fat a bad word? ” I didn’t have an answer for her. Is she wrong? No.

Currently I am 200 pounds, the heaviest weight ever in my life. My blood pressure is constantly 150/99. My BMI is 35. The word weight always lingers on my mind. I do not want to be self-conscious anymore.

I know I have tried exercise and diets several times with no luck. This time the difference would be I am doing this for myself to regain my confidence level. I want to live a healthy life. I want to be in control. I want to prove myself.

I never liked the idea of social network and pouring everything in public. I feel as if I am being naked in front of the crowd. Someone told me if you share your burden, it reduces. Here I am for the first time in my life I am blogging my journey. I have read several success stories and would like to be part of it.

Every time I start my weight loss goal, I think I shouldn’t fail. But with experience I realize there will be failures certain times. I read “Success is a journey not a destination”. I am taking first step towards success starting from today. Honestly, I will try to journal what all I eat and workout.

I will try to focus on positive things. I need all the support that I can get.

I want to make friends with this community. People who are travelling this weight loss journey please make as your friend.

Wish me Luck my fellow Sun Rays and be my friends ………………………….