Lonely and confused - sorry if this is not appropriate

PussyKat · November 2010

Hello - I'm really sorry for this long ramble, I just feel a bit low and would appreciate any advice...I don't feel able to voice these thoughts to anybody in the real world.

I'm a student. I've been overweight most of my life until I came to university two years ago. Since then I have used the opportunity of living away from home (and therefore completely in charge of what I eat) to my advantage and lost a considerable amount of weight through calorie-counting (and MFP, which I have found invaluable).

Although I am now at a perfectly healthy weight for my height (5"4, 121lb) and have gone lower than my original target weight, I am still dieting and feel like my interest in weight loss has gone from high to obsessive. Since I tend to put on a bit of weight during the holidays when I am at home and surrounded by temptation, I have been more thorough and determined than ever in my dieting since term started again (a couple of months ago).

I have stuck to my 1200 calories, but frequently lower lately, and made sure to weigh every piece of food to make sure I don't go over. I often feel like I have to make these calculations several times over and write them down or I get really anxious I've made a mistake. If I do eat too much, even if it's just an extra apple or rice cake, I feel overwhelmed by guilt and make up for it the next day. I hate exercise, but I force myself to go swimming at least three times a week; at first for a certain amount of time (non-stop), then longer, and now I feel desperately inadequate if I do less than an hour. I also go for long, brisk walks alone every day, even in the dark and cold and wind.

I am CONSTANTLY consumed by thoughts of food, and weight, and calories. I find it hard to think of anything else. I have another goal weight in mind which I am desperate to meet, which is still in the 'healthy' range but barely, and I feel sure that even then I will want to lose more. I stare at food in shops and read recipe books obsessively. I seek out books/magazines/TV shows/films, pretty much everything, to do with weight. I chew and spit out food sometimes. I drink a ton of water to keep myself feeling full and to try and flush out any sodium in my body which might cause water-retention that could influence the result on the scale in the next day. I crave approval from others and spend an inordinate amount of time wondering who, out of my friends and family, will notice my latest weight loss next time I go home. I still do not feel 'thin', no matter what anyone else says.

I'm home for the weekend at the moment, for the first time since term began, and I have BINGED. Being in this familiar environment, with lots of (free) tasty foods and nobody who will judge me for eating them around (my parents often remark that I need 'feeding up') has made me lose control and it terrifies me. I am constantly frantically reassuring myself that it is only one weekend, I can work it all off soon, I still have a few weeks left to lose weight before Christmas, but I still feel hopeless and guilty and awful - and yet can't stop eating even though I know I am way too full.

So basically, I am tired of this and want to know if it's normal. I don't think I have an eating disorder, as such - I'm not underweight, don't restrict food or exercise to an unreasonable degree, don't purge (although I have tried, and failed in the past). But I feel low, and have a history of low self-esteem, depression/self-injury issues. I wish beyond wish that I could just enjoy food for what it is, and not automatically try and guess how many calories are in it, or feel the need to binge on it.
I also feel that this is taking over my personal life - my sex drive has decreased substantially (except for this weekend, interestingly enough, when I have eaten a lot). I don't want to go anywhere and feel irrationally annoyed when people suggest that we do, because it means rethinking my whole eating plan which I have thought out carefully in the day(s) before. As a student, alcohol is a big part of social life, which I do love but lately it just causes me distress because I know it will severely compromising how much I'm allowed to eat that day. I fear being alone in a house with food because I'm scared I will lose control and binge without anyone around to see.

I don't dare bring this up with anyone I know - even my loving boyfriend. I don't want to appear neurotic or attention-seeking. I don't know what I want to hear. Just if anyone has any advice, or can relate at all? I would love to know. Thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read all of this!

Mindful_Trent · November 2010

I would recommend you see a professional therapist/counselor, especially since you stated "But I feel low, and have a history of low self-esteem, depression/self-injury issues."

If you're a student at a university/college, chances are your school should offer such services either for free or at a reduced price, if money is an issue. You may not have an eating disorder, but it does sound like your thoughts are consumed by this stuff to the point where it could be interfering with your daily life...certainly with your happiness. There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a counselor - I've been seeing one for over a year - I started after I was having trouble dealing with a breakup of a long term relationship I'd been in, and it warped into a way for me to deal with all kinds of stuff in my life. It's great to have someone outside of my day-to-day life that I can talk to about things, and who will give me another perspective.

33KIKI · November 2010

Wow - honey you got alot going on. Yah my first thought for you is isnt there a counselor on campus you can talk to? Maybe the control is hiding something deeper going on in your life. I don't want to press that is why I reccomend a counselor or therapist. Before I started my weightloss journey I had to seea counselor and it helped me discuss fears, options, and concerns. I am sorry I can't offer more but I feel just you psoting is a start and saying that something is going on that need to addressed.

I wish you the best of luck and remember if you love yourself than it shouldn't matter what the scale says..You need to be happy on inside and out. If your boyfriend is truly a friend and not just a lover than share with him also- it may help.

Best of luck :flowerforyou:

azlady7 · November 2010

wow. this makes me so sad for you. I honestly think you do have a problem. I dont know if others on here deal with this (I am sure there are some). But either way, its unhealthy relationship you have with food. One extreme or the other is not good. I would suggest counseling. Maybe talk to your mom, a professor, a best friend, or maybe even your boyfriend. Right now you need healthy loving support. No matter what you do, though, please seek counseling. Good luck to you.

LindaSueBakk · November 2010

Definitely see a counselor. My daughter had some issues when she was in college and talking to a counselor helped a lot. Please check with your university, there is probably one on campus. God bless...

vickiele1 · November 2010

Hello - I'm really sorry for this long ramble, I just feel a bit low and would appreciate any advice...I don't feel able to voice these thoughts to anybody in the real world.

I'm a student. I've been overweight most of my life until I came to university two years ago. Since then I have used the opportunity of living away from home (and therefore completely in charge of what I eat) to my advantage and lost a considerable amount of weight through calorie-counting (and MFP, which I have found invaluable).

Although I am now at a perfectly healthy weight for my height (5"4, 121lb) and have gone lower than my original target weight, I am still dieting and feel like my interest in weight loss has gone from high to obsessive. Since I tend to put on a bit of weight during the holidays when I am at home and surrounded by temptation, I have been more thorough and determined than ever in my dieting since term started again (a couple of months ago).

I have stuck to my 1200 calories, but frequently lower lately, and made sure to weigh every piece of food to make sure I don't go over. I often feel like I have to make these calculations several times over and write them down or I get really anxious I've made a mistake. If I do eat too much, even if it's just an extra apple or rice cake, I feel overwhelmed by guilt and make up for it the next day. I hate exercise, but I force myself to go swimming at least three times a week; at first for a certain amount of time (non-stop), then longer, and now I feel desperately inadequate if I do less than an hour. I also go for long, brisk walks alone every day, even in the dark and cold and wind.

I am CONSTANTLY consumed by thoughts of food, and weight, and calories. I find it hard to think of anything else. I have another goal weight in mind which I am desperate to meet, which is still in the 'healthy' range but barely, and I feel sure that even then I will want to lose more. I stare at food in shops and read recipe books obsessively. I seek out books/magazines/TV shows/films, pretty much everything, to do with weight. I chew and spit out food sometimes. I drink a ton of water to keep myself feeling full and to try and flush out any sodium in my body which might cause water-retention that could influence the result on the scale in the next day. I crave approval from others and spend an inordinate amount of time wondering who, out of my friends and family, will notice my latest weight loss next time I go home. I still do not feel 'thin', no matter what anyone else says.

I'm home for the weekend at the moment, for the first time since term began, and I have BINGED. Being in this familiar environment, with lots of (free) tasty foods and nobody who will judge me for eating them around (my parents often remark that I need 'feeding up') has made me lose control and it terrifies me. I am constantly frantically reassuring myself that it is only one weekend, I can work it all off soon, I still have a few weeks left to lose weight before Christmas, but I still feel hopeless and guilty and awful - and yet can't stop eating even though I know I am way too full.

So basically, I am tired of this and want to know if it's normal. I don't think I have an eating disorder, as such - I'm not underweight, don't restrict food or exercise to an unreasonable degree, don't purge (although I have tried, and failed in the past). But I feel low, and have a history of low self-esteem, depression/self-injury issues. I wish beyond wish that I could just enjoy food for what it is, and not automatically try and guess how many calories are in it, or feel the need to binge on it.
I also feel that this is taking over my personal life - my sex drive has decreased substantially (except for this weekend, interestingly enough, when I have eaten a lot). I don't want to go anywhere and feel irrationally annoyed when people suggest that we do, because it means rethinking my whole eating plan which I have thought out carefully in the day(s) before. As a student, alcohol is a big part of social life, which I do love but lately it just causes me distress because I know it will severely compromising how much I'm allowed to eat that day. I fear being alone in a house with food because I'm scared I will lose control and binge without anyone around to see.

I don't dare bring this up with anyone I know - even my loving boyfriend. I don't want to appear neurotic or attention-seeking. I don't know what I want to hear. Just if anyone has any advice, or can relate at all? I would love to know. Thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read all of this!

From a therapists view, you are definitely on the edge of an eating disorder. You can have an eating disorder without engaging in binging.purging, etc. The obsession that you have described in such detail is one of the first indicators. Also, you have engaged in an attempt to purge.

From a non-professional view - Please seek professional help. You need to start with a medical doctor, then therapy = possibly psychiatric for assistance with anxiety related issues. Do this for you - do it NOW - don't allow yourself to become so ill that there is permanent damaging effects.

Vickie

CarlydogsMom · November 2010

I am not a doctor nor professional, but in reading your entry, it appears to me that you are in need of some medical assistance and counseling. You say you don't think you have an eating disorder due to your appropriate weight, but to me, your description sounds like you do, or at least are on the verge, of entering an abyss that may not be easy to climb out of. It is one thing to focus on losing weight, counting calories, increasing exercise--and at times, I bet that all of us here, especially when we start out, get a little obsessed with what we're eating, mostly because we're excited to see results. But you can read these forums and see that we all indulge, we falter, and we do two things: 1) forgive ourselves and let it go; and 2) get back on track, and forget about the past, because every day is a new day. I think you're missing the important steps of forgiving yourself and forgetting about it. Your obsession, mixed with self-doubt and low self-esteem, is something I think you need help with.

You obviously are an eloquent, articulate person, and I have no doubt that if you find someone, like a counselor or doctor that you trust, you will be able to share your thoughts and I believe this will help you tremendously. Please do so as soon as possible, before you DO enter the black hole of a disorder that may take years to overcome. And, please do write back and let us know your progress and what you are doing. Thank you for writing to us, and good luck.

Sharont213 · November 2010

How very brave of you to expose your feelings - even if it is only to the virtual world. I hope that means you are ready to bring this to a professional. You say you don't think you have an eating disorder but your nearing obession with counting and setting extreme goals means you do have some issues that need to be examined. Please do be afraid to seek help and advice from those who specialize in this .. you have come far in your quest for health. :flowerforyou:

sandyvanderstelt · November 2010

i feel the same way sometimes

tacey21 · November 2010

I find that whenever I'm dieting I obsess over my calorie count and food and recipes and everything...
But its a fun obsession... like a really consuming hobby. (If that makes sense.)

Its one thing to be driven.
Its another thing to let it rule your life.

I chew and spit out food sometimes. I drink a ton of water to keep myself feeling full and to try and flush out any sodium in my body which might cause water-retention that could influence the result on the scale in the next day. I crave approval from others and spend an inordinate amount of time wondering who, out of my friends and family, will notice my latest weight loss next time I go home. I still do not feel 'thin', no matter what anyone else says.

This paragraph screams "eating disorder". Please dont feel badly about me saying that, it just concerns me because these are a lot of signs people recognize. I'm not a professional. I have never had an eating disorder. But it makes me worry about you.

You should be proud of yourself that you have come to a healthy weight and are able to maintain it. The numbers on the scale aren't important. The compliments aren't important. What you should be focusing on is how you feel every day -- and if you're healthy, it should feel good to be inside your skin

Please see a counselor. We're all here to support you, too.

hpsnickers1 · November 2010

You don't have to be anorexic or bulimic to have an eating disorder. When food is controlling your life then there is something deeper going on. Definitely see a psychologist (I didn't say psychiatrist!) or a counselor or something.

Maybe you should confide in your boyfriend or one of your parents. You might be surprised at the response.

Please hang in there. You don't need to diet anymore, only maintain. You have to stop going below 1200 calories. You could be hurting your body and health more than helping it.

shastacrystal · November 2010

First off you have made an important step by venting these feelings!! Good for you! You can't keep all those feelings in and feel like you have to hide all of these issues, that is only going to make you feel more out of control.

Sometimes we categorize eating disorders as the basic ones we all hear about all the time: anorexia (starvation), bulemia (binging and purging) but really there are many other types. Any time your relationship with food and body image becomes obsessive that is an eating disorder. Right now it is consuming you and believe me I relate all to well.

I am different from you in the sense that I am obese and have been for most of my life but I am similar in the sense that I definitely understand when food and your weight effects you 24/7.

Remember you are not alone. It may be too uncomfortable to admit all these things to people that are close to you but that is why God has blessed you with an outlet like MFP. After all your family, no matter how much they love you may not be able to relate your feelings. You can definitely find friends on here that understand you;) I would definitely continue to share your thoughts and feelings so that you can try to heal.

rshunk · November 2010

I agree with what the others said, you REALLY need to find a counselor to talk to. You very well may have an eating disorder in the early stages. Eating disorders are usually not solely from a desire to be thin, a lot of times it is a control issue. There are many things that may be going on in your life and in the past that you may have felt you had no control over and now you have found something you CAN control.
You are 5'4" and 121lbs, for your height you should be at least 110lbs, which you are but you want to lose more. I worry that you are on a very dangerous path. most people with eating disorders were at a normal weight or above in the early stages as well. PLEASE find someone to talk to! I think you may find that your friends/family will be more understanding than you think.

EmpressB · November 2010

I would recommend you see a professional therapist/counselor, especially since you stated "But I feel low, and have a history of low self-esteem, depression/self-injury issues."

If you're a student at a university/college, chances are your school should offer such services either for free or at a reduced price, if money is an issue. You may not have an eating disorder, but it does sound like your thoughts are consumed by this stuff to the point where it could be interfering with your daily life...certainly with your happiness. There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a counselor - I've been seeing one for over a year - I started after I was having trouble dealing with a breakup of a long term relationship I'd been in, and it warped into a way for me to deal with all kinds of stuff in my life. It's great to have someone outside of my day-to-day life that I can talk to about things, and who will give me another perspective.

I agree.

I am no therapist but some of what you describe, obsessing over it, weighing every piece of food, the guilt and feeling anxious if you don't, sound like symptoms of OCD that can really hinder one's life and happiness; and as you have said, your obsession about your weight has cost you happiness and to unnecessarily endanger yourself. To answer your question about if it is normal, no it's not. Often those with OCD take what otherwise would be "harmless" tasks and do them repeatedly or worry about them excessively and get upset over them, making it problematic and out of what would be considered normal.

You want to lose weight to be HEALTHY, not kill yourself or make your life horrible. Once it gets to that point, you should curb it before it gets worst. I am sorry about what you're going through. I agree that you should visit a school counselor to begin to get some tools to deal with your anxiety and obsessive thoughts and practices. There is no shame in it. We're all susceptible and we all get overwhelmed and sometimes need help getting back on track.

LuckyLeprechaun · November 2010

tossing out my agreement...there are a lot of red flags in what you've described and I'd also urge you to seek out the support of a counselor.

Best Wishes :flowerforyou:

andreahanlon · November 2010

My first thought is that at college you could probably see a counselor for free. I also agree with accountant_boi that there is no shame. I had some informal therapy a few years ago and feel it was absolutely a huge help to my current success and peace of mind. It's scary to take the first step, but you've already done so by sharing with us! Don't let this take over your life. You deserve to happy healthy future. Take advantage of the insight and direction a trained professional can offer you.

bunnyjackson · November 2010

We all need to *control* something in our lives and it seems for a lot of us it all comes back to weight and food. Usually there is an underlining meaning to it. I agree with everyone that responded to you....some kind of support group, plus you need to talk to your boyfriend and family if you can for much needed support. Sometimes it is HARD to ask for help but we all need it from time to time. If you can find out what the *root* or the *trigger* is with eating and weight loss...it will get you one step closer to understanding yourself and help you to NOT worry about how much your eating or not eating. Plus I would like to congratulate you on your weight loss

!

take care and good luck,
Gwen

watkinsc · November 2010

Honey, as a mother, I implore you to seek help. The suggestion of contacting your university counselor is excellent. Please do that when you return to school. As a health care provider, I would say you are at the least, clinically depressed. You need to address this with your primary care provider and follow up with your provider as needed. It's not a one visit and you're 'healed' situation. It may be a temporary depression, but compounded by an eating disorder as well. Take care of yourself. This is an important time in your life, where decisions you make now have the potential to impact the rest of your life.

melodymartinez · November 2010

I went through the EXACT same thing when I was your age. I started off overweight, lost the weight through healthy diet and exercise, but after reaching a healthy weight it turned into obsession. All the things you describe are things that I did. If I went over even by 100 calories I would drive myself to the gym and work it off! I remember that once I started to binge like you have been doing is when I realized I had a real problem (though the fact that my hair was falling out and I hadn't had my period in months was probably an indication).Also, I never was at a ridiculously unhealthy weight. My lowest was 115 (and I'm 5'7"). It's not like I was 80 pounds or anything. It sounds like you realize you have a problem. I also started binging. At the time I felt out of control but once I admitted to myself that this was NOT healthy or normal, I was able to starighten it out. It took a while for me to start eating healthy again but gradually, I just stopped worrying about how many calories were in what I was eating and got back to a healthy weight range which I stayed at for years, until the last year or two when I gained some weight/had a baby.

I would definitely reccomend getting some help. I did go to counseling and started dealing with some of my issues (I was in an emotionally unhealthy relationship at the time). And it helped immensely. The food is not the real issue and once you deal with the real issue you will find that your obsession with dieting will fade.

numberscolors · November 2010

eating less than 1200 calories a day because you are afraid of gaining weight sounds restrictive to me. you say yourself that you have obsessive thoughts about food. it is a common misconception that you must be severely underweight to have an eating disorder. a lot of people don't get diagnosed because they are a "healthy" weight.

please seek help. i am not a psychologist or a doctor, but i have had struggled with disordered eating due to trauma and control issues. seeing a therapist helped me understand my condition and

your boyfriend will not think you are being "neurotic" or "attention-seeking". if he doesn't take your concerns seriously, then he's not worth your time. but my guess is that he will be understanding and supportive. having his support could make a huge difference.

good luck! i hope you get the support you need and deserve

shastacrystal · November 2010

I agree I am sure your family and boyfriend will be much more supportive then you are thinking. Maybe try just talking to your boyfriend first since your parents are more inclined to judge you based on the "feeding up" comments.

Good luck sweetie. Definitely do not go with out talking to someone!!

TaraDenise · November 2010

Hi sweetie, I totally agree that you should seek counseling. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and he/she will not judge you. I don't have the same issues you have, but I have dealt with depression. The best thing I did was to tell my doctor and start seeing a therapist. There's such a stigma associated with seeing a therapist and/or taking medications, but I absolutely needed both. I'm no longer seeing the therapist, but I'm still taking my prozac for seasonal depression during the fall and winter. I also work for a campus police agency, and have taken calls from depressed students for the past 14yrs. Your university should have some type of CAPS program (Counseling And Psychological Services) to assist you. If you need help locating someone, inbox me the name of your university and I will do the research for you. Many blessings and hugs to you. ~Tara

ashlee954 · November 2010

I deal with ALL of these exact same things daily. I have overcome it myself by being the loud voice of reason when I begin to obsess. This is a voice that screams 20 times a day but keeps me from doing unhealthy things. While the obsession alone is still unhealthy I have at least found a way to control the actual acts of harming my body. Therapists are a vital tool in your discovering a wonderfully healthy relationship with food. Do not be afraid of that. It does not mean throwing out/away your beliefs on weight. It does not mean you will all of sudden not care and become overweight again. It just means you can and WILL find a way to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself things that currently make you feel super guilty. It is ok to "work off" a "bad" food you ate. What I hope you can come to terms with is that you don't have to have a negative feeling about that. Just take it for what it is, so to speak, and move on. Now that you are at a healthy weight if you gain one pound it is not the end of the world. You know exactly what to do to lose it IF you so desire. Ju

ashlee954 · November 2010

I deal with ALL of these exact same things daily. I have overcome it myself by being the loud voice of reason when I begin to obsess. This is a voice that screams 20 times a day but keeps me from doing unhealthy things. While the obsession alone is still unhealthy I have at least found a way to control the actual acts of harming my body. Therapists are a vital tool in your discovering a wonderfully healthy relationship with food. Do not be afraid of that. It does not mean throwing out/away your beliefs on weight. It does not mean you will all of sudden not care and become overweight again. It just means you can and WILL find a way to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself things that currently make you feel super guilty. It is ok to "work off" a "bad" food you ate. What I hope you can come to terms with is that you don't have to have a negative feeling about that. Just take it for what it is, so to speak, and move on. Now that you are at a healthy weight if you gain one pound it is not the end of the world. You know exactly what to do to lose it IF you so desire. Just eat a bit healthier the next week and it will be gone. You have come so far and worked so hard to be where you are. Reward yourself with the chance at a healthy mentality to go along with your healthy body sweetheart. Contact a professional for some help and advice. God bless.

PussyKat · December 2010

Hey guys - just wanted to say thankyou for all of you who replied (and those who PMed me, much appreciated). As chance would have it, my uni is started a 6-session workshop/therapy group for people with eating issues, and today I went to see the counsellor in charge to see if it would benefit me. She thought that I was definitely a suitable candidate, and the first session is tomorrow so I am kind of scared but also optimistic that it can sort my head out a bit. Thanks for all for the advice xxx

Mindful_Trent · December 2010

Hey guys - just wanted to say thankyou for all of you who replied (and those who PMed me, much appreciated). As chance would have it, my uni is started a 6-session workshop/therapy group for people with eating issues, and today I went to see the counsellor in charge to see if it would benefit me. She thought that I was definitely a suitable candidate, and the first session is tomorrow so I am kind of scared but also optimistic that it can sort my head out a bit. Thanks for all for the advice xxx

Congrats on taking an important step for yourself! It's definiately scary - my stomach was in knots before I went to my first counseling session, but it's not that bad once you actually start. Good luck! Hope the group works out for you. :flowerforyou:

TateFTW · December 2010

My wife has extreme anxiety, and takes a couple prescriptions to help. She also goes to see a therapist once a month. Fortunately the counselor she goes to is super cool and lets me come whenever I want. Even though we don't have a lot of money, and have to pay for the sessions ourselves, I would never have her stop going. From 2 months after we started dating until now (married 6 months) I've gone with her every chance I get. We get to talk about any issue we have, and it's helped trememndously with our relationship. Although we still have fights sometimes, we always talk it out with the communication skills we've learned.

Don't be afraid of counseling. Anytime you have issues come up, just make a mental note and plan to bring it up at the next session. Just having someone elses impartial observations is more helpful then most realize. It still takes work on your part, but they'll guide you in the right direction.

Lonely and confused - sorry if this is not appropriate

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