I am my harshest critic.

rhymeofanothersummer · December 2010

It sounds strange, but I can't seem to gain any sort of happiness from any of my successes at losing weight. Last night, my boyfriend commented on my negative attitude towards myself and told me to try and work towards changing it. And I actually started making excuses for having negative thoughts...as if I couldn't live without them.

The difficult thing is, I have no idea how to look at myself positively. I have no idea how to even begin change that. I have notoriously had low self-esteem concerning my body image throughout my life and as strange as it sounds, it's become such a huge part of me that I have no idea how to function without it. These negative thoughts I have regarding myself seem to permeate my mind every day, so much so that I barely noticed that I'm consistently putting myself down or comparing myself to others, wishing I could look like them. I don't perceive myself as being "fat" or "ugly," more so, I've found that I can never be good enough for myself. I believe this is where I use weight loss as a tool to achieve that sense of contentment about my appearance. However, as I slowly (and healthfully) approach the lower end of my healthy BMI category, I'm sadly realizing that I am not much happier with myself than I was 15 pounds ago.

It's frustrating and so hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand what it's like to be unconditionally unhappy with their body. I consider myself a very rationale person, I am firmly aware that I do not want to drop below the healthy weight range, and that whatever weight I lose is done properly and over the right amount of time. I am one of those people that is agitated by the comment "Why are you doing this? You don't need to lose weight" that is said too often with a certain amount of disgust and judgment. I always reply that I am doing it for me, to be happy with myself. Which, to a certain extent, is true. But I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get there mentally. Hearing myself defend my self-loathing last night to my boyfriend really gave me a glimpse into how abnormal my ways of thinking are.

It should be said that I am otherwise very happy with my life, I have very high self-esteem in multiple other facets of who I am. It's not that this issue is making me sad or depressed, it's just I've come to realize that I've become all too accustomed to not liking how I look. This negative attitude doesn't even appear to influence me at all; it's like it's built into my mental framework-and I think I deserve better. I would like to change this and I guess I'm wondering if anyone has or is going through the same thing and has any advice on how to transition to being more accepting of your body?

Mindful_Trent · December 2010

Not sure if you've considered this, but I would highly recommend you find a therapist/counselor of some kind you can work with. I started seeing one over a year ago when I realized how unhappy I was about certain aspects of my life. There is nothing wrong with seeing a professional for things like this - and it is SUPER helpful to have someone who is trained and who is completely outside of your normal life to give you a different perspective, ask you questions and help you get some insight that you may not find on your own.

Your profile says you're a college student - most colleges offer free or reduced-price counseling for students - you may want to start there.

One note - if you do go this direction and are unhappy with the first counselor/therapist you work with, don't be afraid to find someone different to see. You need to see someone you really "click" with to get the most out of something like this. I was lucky enough to find this on my first try, but others I know have had to shop around a little before finding the right person to work with.

ShellyKay67 · December 2010

all i can tell you is that you look beautiful to me and i hope one day you will think the same of yourself!!
you are gorgeous!

leslieheb · December 2010

I am kind of in the same boat and I found that if I dress cute and get up and get dressed in what I consider cute it helps... I do little things to help me recognize I am doing well. I had a roommate in collage that had an eating disorder and her doc told her to find something good about herself everyday.... Find things that made her happy and feel good about herself... even when you get down to your goal weight if you work towards something then when you get there you feel accomplished ..

nikki91950 · December 2010

I was actually going to suggest the same thing as Trenton did (accountant_boi). If you don't seek help, things can possibly go downhill really quick.

I must admit I'm in your same boat. I've never been happy with the way I look. There's always been something I wasn't happy with. I keep acting like finally making it to my goal weight will solve all my problems, make my life better, make everything perfect again...but in all honesty, I know deep in my heart that even at 110 pounds, I'm still not going to be happy.

One of the things I've found that has helped is to just to accept compliments when I get them, whether I believe they're true or not, and just thank people for saying whatever and just move on. I'm all too familiar with those old "Why are you trying to lose weight?" or "You don't need to lose weight, you're already skinny as it is" or "Wow, you look like you've never had a weight problem" remarks. I want to seriously slap people sometimes. I just wanna be like "Excuse me, but who are you to say or judge what's going on with my body? You don't know me. You don't know what I've been through; everything I've had to do to get to this point." Unfortunately, there's no simple solution. Our brains get trained over time to think the same things. It's a really hard habit to break.

Just know that you're not alone in this, and that it is possible for you to get better. The first step is admitting there's something wrong, the second is reaching out to others for help, both of which you've already accomplished. Stop comparing yourself to others and accept that everybody's different. You're unique, you're special, you're beautiful (no matter what), and you're definitely loved.

kiuney · December 2010

I too agree that some therapy might be in order. And I totally get what you're saying. I do. Instead of trying to be "happy" with your body, aim for "okay." It is a lot more manageable seeming when you realize you don't have to go nearly as far.

And frankly, a lot of it is reminding yourself (sometimes constantly) that you are OKAY.

And, you are.

I am my harshest critic.

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