Non-Fitness Boyfriend

Options
HollyMac20
HollyMac20 Posts: 259 Member
in Fitness and Exercise
Anyone else out there have a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend that is not on the same page when it comes to fitness, diet and overall wellness???? That is the case at my house. Most people who know me associate me with fitness and working out. I love it, that is what I do when I am mad, sad or to pick my day up. My life 80% revolves around what I am going to eat, when and how am I going to be active.

My bf....not so much. He works hard all day as a mechanic and can't imagine expending more energy at the end of the day. He is spent and sore from work. He does not discourage me from my goals though, he just doesn't get it. In combination he comes from a naturally thin family, where diet and working out wasn't a topic.

Yesterday I told him I was thinking of doing a marathon in May. He said go for it if you want to do it. I said I would need his support. He looked confused. "I can't run for you" he says. I then said that completing a marathon would be one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. He looked even more confused. "Will you walk? If so, I could probably walk/run a marathon today"

It is just super frustrating. The other side of my life is dirt, mud and motors and we are made for each other there. It is just this aspect of my life he just "doesn't get".

This turned it to just more of a rant, if anything. But I didn't know if there were others out there that had the same situation.

Thanks for listening!!!

Replies

  • jmoff67
    jmoff67 Posts: 2
    Options
    Yeah I had a husband like that once. Note past tense. Good luck, try to stay as focused as possible on what's right for you!
  • KendalBeee
    KendalBeee Posts: 2,269 Member
    Options
    Yup. My bf works quality control for construction sites. his last project was mainly sedentary (but was about 2.5 hours away from me). His current project is down the street but its much more physical. I want to spend time with him during the week, but I go to the gym at least 4 nights a week and he says he's too tired to go to the gym with me. Its definitely frustrating having to find time to go to the gym and see him and get all the other things on my To Do list done.
  • edorice
    edorice Posts: 4,519 Member
    Options
    I had a husband like that as well. Past tense...

    It is best to be evenly yoked. I hope the relationship works out, but when this becomes a lifestyle you want someone by your side that "get's it".
  • ashley0616
    ashley0616 Posts: 579 Member
    Options
    My husband is kind of the same. He works 90+ hours a week and just doesn't hav the time or energy to be active with me. When he can, he will go on walks with us or bike riding. He wants to be active, he just can't right now with his work schedule. He doesn't complain when I put 4oz of fish, 1/2 c of rice, and a full plate of veggies in front of him. He knows he needs to lose some weight for his health and he really wants to be on board. He does NOT understand my desire to start running (why would you ever run unless you are running from something?) but he has the "if that's what's going to make you happy, go for it" attitude. I don't expect him to lace up his tennies and go with me because it's just not who he is.

    Communicate with your boyfriend. Let him know what kind of support you will need from him while training for a marathon. Maybe he can be supportive from the couch, like time you, research training programs and exercises, keep track of your progress, be there to vent to, help you stretch/give you a massage after you get back. Anything to show that he supports your lifestyle and your goals. Support doesn't always mean getting out there and doing the same things you enjoy if he doesn't.

    As long as he is not a hinderance on your goals and what you want for yourself and you feel that you are getting what you need from him, I think you guys can work this one out easily. Good luck!
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
    Options
    I agree, my fiance always says "i go to work to work, i don't come home to work"...he's also compeletely delusional about his body image...when i talk about me eating right, and how well i'm doing, he jokes "i guess i better get my *kitten* in gear or you'll leave me for some stud at the gym"...it will be him leaving me because he had a heart attack...and he feeds his son just as bad...i've tried to intervene before but it just ends up in a huge fight, especially about his son, so i'm not going to open my mouth any more....i'm just going to eat what I cook for myself and him and his son can eat their way into a coma, i'm not fighting over it anymore
  • npryor100
    npryor100 Posts: 99 Member
    Options
    My husband does not work out regularly and hates the gym. It's tough to stay in the zone when he's not on the same page as far as daily exercising goes, we did find some healthy hobby we can do together.....hiking! Since its winter now, we're going to try snowshoeing too.

    It's not perfect, but having some shared fitness activity will help.
  • UT_Nut7
    UT_Nut7 Posts: 20
    Options
    absolutely. My hubby is overweight by 100+ lbs and needs to get in shape himself, but he just wont change his habits. He doesnt understand how I can eat the veggies I eat. In fact, we typically have to make separate meals because I wont eat the foods he eats and vice versa. It's very hard but we've made it work for 8 years this way, so I guess we just live with it.

    On another note though, he loves playing sports and that's one of the areas that we do both love. Maybe you just need to find common ground with him in the things you love and let the differences be your own.

    It's hard though. Especially when you love the person so much and you want them to be healthy. You cant make the change for them and you cant force them to do something they dont want to do and arent ready to do.
  • cspinney
    cspinney Posts: 81 Member
    Options
    First off: when you said you would need your boyfriend's support did you expand on what you mean by that? Because it could mean you want him to train with you or it could mean that you want him to encourage and motivate you. I didn't really get a sense of what you meant from your post.

    My husband is not an exerciser either. I wish that he would because he is very sedentary and I think it would be good for him to get up and get in some activity. Aside from the health concerns though, it doesn't bother me too much. We have things that we like to do together, but we have our own individual interests as well. Not saying that I wouldn't like it if he were to become interested in fitness so that we could participate together, but it's certainly not a deal breaker for us.
  • Egger29
    Egger29 Posts: 14,741 Member
    Options
    This is part of the Paradox of fitness. In once sense, people claim their too tired to workout, at the same time, working out regularly leads to higher energy levels and better performance (both mentally and physcially).

    I get the impression that your BF is somewhat burnt out mentally from work and thus the lack of motivation to do anything physical at the end of the day.

    The challenge is, breaking that plateau of actually trying something active together that'll kick-start the increased energy levels.

    While a shared marathon would generally be a little far off, there are lots of alternatives you can do to be active together.

    Generally, fatigue (mental and physical) is often attricbuted to a lack of proper sleep. This is often the case when feeling burnt out from the workday. As a result, the physical exersion of exercise, leads to a deeper and more restful sleep, breaking that cycle of burnout that comes with the daily stress.

    Have you tried getting him to come simply spot you at the gym for your own strength training? How about evening walks in the park? Playing at the local pool? Community rec-league sports?

    Find out what kind of things he enjoys and look for ways to incorporate them into working out together.

    From my own experience, I've been a Strength Coach for 12 years and play high level ice hockey, with regular conditioning in between for on-ice performance. My gf on the other hand, is rather sedentary with a bad knee and bad shoulder from old injuries she never treated years ago, and thus limits herself in what she'll do.

    I'm happy that'll she'll join me at the pool and in making healthier meals and such, but I don't expect her to join me on the squat rack anytime soon.

    Good luck with it!
  • carl1738
    carl1738 Posts: 444 Member
    Options
    As long as he's not discouraging you from being active then I'm not sure I really see the problem. He sounds like he's okay with what you're doing, it's just not his "thing". I think that's it's healthy in a relationship to have some different interests.
  • whalenmich7295
    whalenmich7295 Posts: 21 Member
    Options
    I have a similar situation. Naturally thin girlfriend, who is nothing but fit. She is crazy supportive! When I express to her that going to the gym, working out and being active wasn’t the problem but eating was, she took up the torch and would really being that voice who’d say, “no more eating out, we are cooking 6 nights a week!” But she is a teacher and works 12 hour days with poop-head middle school students. I know that her idea of relaxing is skiing all weekend, but it is mine. I have to accept the fact that while she may not being running my marathons, she will support me by being there, and that’s worth something.

    So for instance the skiing situation, we worked out an agreement, where she would drive up to Vail with me, but can hang in the lodge and grade/write lesson plans, while I ski, then we grab a late lunch in the village and leave before the I-70 traffic gets started. So my advice is to get your BF involved via side activities.
  • Silvergamma
    Silvergamma Posts: 102 Member
    Options
    I hear you. My husband works at an animal shelter and is on his feet all day, cleaning, walking animals, meeting with clients etc.. I sit at a desk all day. So when we get home at night we have different things in mind. I'm ready to go move it move it, and he wants to relax and play video games or watch a movie. I recently realized that I have been sabotaging myself by having the mind set that I needed him to participate with me. I'm just (re)starting, but one of the big concepts that I was able to accept is that it's OK for me to say "Hun, I'm going to work out. I'll be back in an hour." He's 100% ok with that, and emotionally supportive as long as I'm not asking him to go running with me after an 8 hour day on his feet.
  • edorice
    edorice Posts: 4,519 Member
    Options
    It's easier to get in the workouts in the morning, before a draining day at work. Especially when the job is physical.
  • HIzara
    HIzara Posts: 187
    Options
    tough, tough, tough.

    All I know is, a man should be more physically and mentally on board with fitness then a woman... Gluck to you!
  • Darkling
    Darkling Posts: 64
    Options
    Just dump him.

    Btw, I'm into fitness/running... just saying... :devil:

    Just kidding. Got me a gal who supports me in my fitness journey.

    Seriously though, to me that's it seems something that important to you should be important to him too. May need to have a discussion and perhaps rethink your compatibility.
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
    Options
    Never really understood the need to work out with your partner. Personally I feel that a workout is for you, not for others. If you're becoming healthy for anyone else but you first, then I'm not sure it will be a long term success. This is just MHO of course but it is what it is.

    My wife and I are very happy, she loves the gym, she loves being around others, and she loves teaching her class. I, on the other hand, tolerate the gym when necessary (not really very often), and love to work on my own. Even when my wife and I do work out at the same time, it's pretty rare that we do it together (same routine) as we have different body types, use vastly different weight (so spotting each other would be a colossal waste of time as we'd spend as much time changing plates as we would working out), and while I prefer very intense cardio and HIIT training like sprint and agility stuff, she prefers weight and heavier endurance stuff like body pump. Not that we don't cross paths, but we just don't mesh in that regard. It doesn't mean I don't respect her abilities, and it doesn't mean we don't love each other deeply, it just means that in this one small regard, we don't have the same needs.

    Back to the OP, it doesn't sound like he's being mean about it, it's just something he doesn't want to engage in. No more than you would (as an example) prefer to go to watch a football game with him (hypothetically, I'm not inferring anything). Maybe I misread and you do feel he's being mean, but unless I'm wrong, he's just not into the gym.

    Now the food thing, that's a whole other topic, once you throw children in, that's a different ball of wax. Arguments are no reason to back off that one. you can't force an adult to eat healthy, but you can damn well make a spouse feed a child healthy!
  • HollyMac20
    HollyMac20 Posts: 259 Member
    Options
    Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and responses. Like I said, I think it ended up being more of a vent than anything.

    98% of the time I actually enjoy my solo workout. It is my time to do my thing for me. I am not cleaning up or cooking for anyone. I do it 100% for me. It was just a tough conversation. He can not grasp why this is a big deal and I can not grasp how he can not see it as a big deal.

    For the record though, he is supportive and will do whatever it is I need him to do. He will pick me up, drop me off, go with me, be at the finish line, whatever. He just doen't understand why on earth I would want to do such a thing.

    Best of luck to all those that are in a similar situation. It isn't a deal breaker, just makes it different :-)
  • redefiningmyself
    redefiningmyself Posts: 476 Member
    Options
    As long as he's not discouraging you from being active then I'm not sure I really see the problem. He sounds like he's okay with what you're doing, it's just not his "thing". I think that's it's healthy in a relationship to have some different interests.

    this is how I think too.

Categories