Very unhealthy relationship with food...

presumptuousflowergirl
presumptuousflowergirl Posts: 1
in Motivation and Support
Please help me.

I started dieting last summer, to go from 125 to 115 pounds. I didn't own a scale, and still don't, but all I did was eat pretty much the same amount minus lunch around 1600 calories, and I exercised for 40 minutes a day. I didn't realize how much weight I lost until I weighed myself when school started and saw that I was 118 lbs. I stopped dieting and exercising for a few months until I was afraid that I had regained all the weight. That's when I started eating 1200 net calories (not counting fruit cals) and exercised for one hour a day. I don't own a scale, and I though I wasn't losing weight, so I dropped my net cals to 1000... then 800... then 600... then 500... after a while, I stopped exercising because I'm afraid of my thighs getting too big.

I was so afraid of eating too many calories that I started hiding food in napkins if I had to eat meals with my family, and throwing it away. I did this with portions of my meals regularly.
Then I started purging. When I had high calorie foods like pasta or soups. I did this about 2 or 3 times. from December 2013 to January.

And then, on Valentines day this year, I BINGED SO BADLY. I had about 2000 calories worth of sweets in one sitting with my family. My stomach hurt. I secretly snuck to the bathroom, and I threw up most of it.
I felt weird after that. I could still taste it and smell it, even after brushing my teeth twice. My arms felt tingly and my heart felt...odd. I haven't purged since.

I've been eating so much lately, its like I can't stop once I start. I KNOW I've gained weight now. I hate myself so much, I hate my fat body.... I want to take 500 pills or jump of a building... I think about it so much.

I just wanted to be skinny.

I want a normal relationship with food, and my body...

but I also want to be dead everytime I look at myself.

Help.

Replies

  • cggrlsteph
    cggrlsteph Posts: 36 Member
    First, I hope you have someone to talk to. I once was a purger... really bad. I was active duty in the military and i was gaining too much weight and I had to loose weight fast... so I felt that was my only option. I loved food. Not the taste... but emotionally had feeling for food. I found comfort in what i ate... all the time. But I went and got help... first I called OA... overeaters anonymous... its a group of people with feeling that you have or had. They know exactly how you are feeling right now. And they are all there to help you get through moments that you are having right now. I know it feels like you will never stop to revolving door... but you can. You took the time to write your feelings and even expressed that you know you have a problem... you're already on your way. May not seem that way but they say... admission is half the battle.

    If you need someone to walk you through OA or how to get ahold of someone... let me know, I know you are ashamed.... but don't. Everyone has their vice... food is yours. But you can get through this...

    Keep your head up!!
  • ezloshead
    ezloshead Posts: 167 Member
    Fitness is supposed to be about loving your body and wanting to do what it takes to make sure it's healthy and strong. Not about being the thinnest, not about numbers and not about scales. It's not a beauty treatment, it's well being in general. You're showing a lot of signs of eating disorders. Disorders that make you sick and weak and depressed. I don't know what to tell you but I can give you an option to begin a path to loving yourself and leave this here:

    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

    1-800-931-2237
  • Natmarie73
    Natmarie73 Posts: 287 Member
    I really think you need to talk to a real live person about the way you feel about yourself in the form of professional counselling for eating disorders and depression/self-hate.

    You don't need to be "skinny" you need to be healthy. "Skinny" won't make you happier, or more lovable, or a better person. At 125 pounds you are already skinny. Losing more weight won't make you love yourself more trust me. Eat and excersise to nourish your body and be fit and healthy. I used to always want to be thinner than what I was despite never being overweight, now I know that my health and fitness is the most important thing, not some number on a scale or tape measure. The people who love you don't see a fat person or a skinny person, they love you for who you are not what you weigh or what you look like.

    Please please seek professional help.
  • Nicolee_2014
    Nicolee_2014 Posts: 1,572 Member
    Get some real life professional help
  • thesevolatiletimes
    thesevolatiletimes Posts: 59 Member
    I am literally going through the SAME. EXACT. THING. right now.

    I developed Anorexia for a bit, and when I entered recovery, I returned to the Binge Eating Disorder I had before the Anorexia. I'm gaining massive amounts of weight and it's terrifying, but remembering one thing has helped me: health. Like somebody else had mentioned, it's all about health and wellness, not about secrecy, shame, and sickness.

    If you haven't already, seek out the assistance of a mental health professional (CBT is a really good therapy for ED's) and contemplate something like group therapy, or support groups as well. :)

    If you want some more support, feel free to PM me, or add me as a friend! <3 Best of luck.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I am so sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain. The best advice anyone can give you is to seek out counseling and professional help. A good place to start would be your school as it may offer these services. Good luck and I hope you find some peace with yourself soon.
  • IIIIISerenityNowIIIII
    IIIIISerenityNowIIIII Posts: 425 Member
    You need to go to your doctor and tell him/her that you are depressed and having suicidal thoughts along with self-harm.

    You will be very thin as a skeleton but you can have a wonderful and happy life if you allow it to happen.

    Please go to church on Sunday. He can help you more than anyone.
  • uconnwinsnc
    uconnwinsnc Posts: 1,054 Member
    You need to talk to someone face to face. There is only so much help we can offer here. Please, meet with someone.

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