Mom encouraging me to be anorexic help

fangmouse
fangmouse Posts: 119
in Motivation and Support
My mum has always Obsessed with weight: she often comments on other's weight and she is constantly dieting. She thinks I'm not thin enough I'm about 5'2 to 5'3 and About 121 pounds. Granted it's really not skinny but I had recovered from anorexia, from a weight of about 83 pounds. I almost died from anorexia (literally) and she didn't even acknowledge the fact that she was the one who forced me into the eating disorder in the first place, and even blamed me for getting myself into that condition. I would tell her that her comments are hurtful and she would just say, "fine, I'm just helping you" and her suggestions are all food fads like eating a banana a day will make you gain weight, exercising will make you fat and stuff and she keeps telling me to eat only a few tablespoons of food per meal.

It's very stressful to me, all her comments and stuff. She wants me to eat as little as her but I don't want to screw up my metabolism and end up gaining a bunch of weight when I reach 40. I'm 19 and I run pretty much daily so I reckon my metabolism is faster than hers is (she's 57). There is no way that I can move out anytime soon and I really don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to go back into my eating disorder because it has been hell to me. But I really want to lose weight and I'm currently doing it the healthy way by eating healthily and exercising regularly. She wants me to crash diet. I'm afraid that one day I'll give in and my disordered thoughts will come back. How do I deal with this? I need help so badly

Replies

  • chunkybun
    chunkybun Posts: 179 Member
    It sounds like you could both use a dose of therapy.

    Were you seeing anyone about your previous disorder? Maybe have a few sessions alone, and some with your mother.

    This sounds very destructive to both of you. Good on you for not wanting to fall back into an eating disorder, but from the sounds of it, you may be quickly on the path to taking care of an ailing mother at a very early age.

    It may be hard to convince your mom that she needs therapy, so I would talk to the therapist alone first, and suggest you invite your mother, indicating she would be there to help you, and have the therapist speak to her about her own issues.
  • wozkaa
    wozkaa Posts: 224 Member
    I don't know what else to say, other than to try and remember that SHE is projecting HER self image problems onto you. As your Mom, she is in a position of power (ie girls look to their Mothers for role modelling) and it is totally unfair.
    She probably doesn't know any better, and her Mother may have encouraged her to think that way at some point.
    Be the one to break the cycle.
    Good luck xx
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
    There is no way that I can move out anytime soon and I really don't know how to deal with this. How do I deal with this? I need help so badly

    why can't you move out? I moved out at 18. My sister was 17. Moving out may be the best thing for both of you.

    But failing that, yes, get hold of a therapist or family counselor. Where I am the state funds 3 visits through the Family Courts - check out if where you are there is something similar.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    At 5'1 and 121lbs, that's a pretty healthy weight. Why are you trying to lose more? Your ticker says your goal is to lose 13kg (about 26lbs).

    Are you still in therapy? I don't think you've really recovered from your eating disorder, and from the sound of it, your mother also needs to seek therapy if she's pushing disordered eating on you.
  • ladytiburona
    ladytiburona Posts: 17 Member
    I agree. If you could both sit down with a therapist or nutritionist or doctor, it might be beneficial for both of you.

    I wish you the best of luck.
  • donyellemoniquex3
    donyellemoniquex3 Posts: 2,384 Member
    Sounds like you could both use a dose of therapy.
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
    Run don't walk to a mental health professional
    BOTH of you!
  • fangmouse
    fangmouse Posts: 119
    I've wanted to go to a therapist... But she refused and even laughed at that idea. Seriously.... I even tried going to a counsellor but it didn't work.

    Also, I can't move out because I live in Singapore and the culture is that you don't move out until you get married due to the lack of space in the country lol
  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
    At your height, your weight is perfectly normal. I would advise you not to lose any more weight right now. Keep up your running, eat healthy foods not fad diets, and talk to your physician about your mom's pressuring you to eat less. Sometimes a doctor's advice can persuade people that what you're doing is good. If you can't get an appointment with a physician, talk to some other trusted person who's not involved in your life and can give you a sense of perspective.

    I'm guessing you're in the UK - if so you could also call the Beat helpline (http://www.b-eat.co.uk, 0845 634 1414) and ask for advice on how to respond to your mother. If you're not in the UK, Google "eating disorder hotline" plus your country name.

    Good luck!
  • chubbs43
    chubbs43 Posts: 24
    So sorry for this,you need to get proper help regarding your wt also mental this is all related,get away from that negativity.you sound really smart,is there a friend or family member that can help you out .
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    wow...scary situation to be in and proof that some people definately should not be allowed to parent. If it was me, I would probably NEVER eat in front of my mom. I would take my meal into my room and eat away from her, especially if she is often criticizing what and how you eat.

    Your mom sounds like a very sick person. Misery loves company.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    There is no way that I can move out anytime soon and I really don't know how to deal with this. How do I deal with this? I need help so badly

    why can't you move out? I moved out at 18. My sister was 17. Moving out may be the best thing for both of you.

    But failing that, yes, get hold of a therapist or family counselor. Where I am the state funds 3 visits through the Family Courts - check out if where you are there is something similar.

    ^ This. I have been financially independent since I was 18. Free room and board isn't worth the insanity.
  • Kenazwa
    Kenazwa Posts: 278 Member
    Since she laughs at therapy, if there is an authority figure in your lives that both you and your mom respect, such as a minister, aunt, uncle, etc, I would turn to that person for help.
  • Jade0529
    Jade0529 Posts: 213 Member
    Do you have a relative or good friend that you could live with instead?
    You can not change your moms thinking but you can do things to not be tainted by her mental illness.
    Eating in your room sounds like it could work as long as you don't feel like you are hiding your eating, it might trigger issues for you.
    You will have to be forceful with your mother and just flat out tell her that you don't want to hear anything she has to say about food. She is emotionally manipulating you. Get this book. Honestly I tell everyone about it. It's life changing

    http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

    Do what you can to get out as soon as you can. You need to be away from that toxic environment
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
    I've wanted to go to a therapist... But she refused and even laughed at that idea. Seriously.... I even tried going to a counsellor but it didn't work.

    Also, I can't move out because I live in Singapore and the culture is that you don't move out until you get married due to the lack of space in the country lol

    Move countries.

    It is not that difficult - I have done it twice.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    I've wanted to go to a therapist... But she refused and even laughed at that idea. Seriously.... I even tried going to a counsellor but it didn't work.

    Also, I can't move out because I live in Singapore and the culture is that you don't move out until you get married due to the lack of space in the country lol

    Move countries.

    It is not that difficult - I have done it twice.

    Hummm. Yea, Hong Kong is nice. So are London, New York, and a variety of other places. Apply to university and get out.
  • Mystyc_Kitty182
    Mystyc_Kitty182 Posts: 7
    Holy cow, this is hard to believe. Listen, the fact you overcame an eating disorder is huge...HUGE! You should be proud of that and if you know that your mom is the reason it started, as well as the reason it may continue, that shows that you do not need her in your life any more than you need to eat less. I know it's hard to let a parent down, because we'll always have a soft spot for our parents, right? But this is your life, not hers, and she needs to recognize that you are not her working project. Her idea of beauty, health, and help are corrupted. If you need someone to fall back on, this site seems pretty amazing. I moved out when I was 16, and even if it goes against the tradition, maybe it's best if you do get out. Many people have suggested therapy, I'm going to be one of them, even if you can't encourage your mother to go. Remember, you have to do what's best for you! :) Hope this helps!!
  • fangmouse
    fangmouse Posts: 119
    Okay but the problem is... As much as I hate my mum's remarks about my body (it made me incredibly insecure and I hate myself and how I look and I don't even dare to wear sleeveless clothes because I am afraid that my mum will tell me I have fat arms) even though all my friends think I am pretty or cute I just never see it. I just feel ugly and upset all the time. I told my mum that her remarks made me that way and she didn't even listen. To think she goes to church and tries to preach the word of God but she's constantly judging people like it's her job. I'll show her a picture of me and my friends and she would say my friends look fat. Like that's the first thing she would say and they are NOT fat. Im in a college that allows credit transfer to a university but that will only happen next year. And even though she makes hurtful comments about me, I still love her because she IS still my mother. I just can't bear to let go... I don't want to abandon my parents :( but at the same time I want to get away from this mental abuse
  • ParkerH47
    ParkerH47 Posts: 463 Member
    Holy. That is some intense stuff. Honestly - I would 100% ignore her - rebellion is the best part of being young. I wouldn't want to cause any problems but I would stick up for your self no matter how much she disliked it. I would tell her this is your body and if you wanted to be 400 lbs that's your prerogative and she can piss right off. However sometimes with people like that, it might be best to stay neutral - instead of fighting her or giving in, just ignore her and keep doing what your doing it sounds like you're healthy and fit and you should learn to love your body. Its horrible that she has forced this into your life and it is not fair to you at all.

    I don't know what to tell you but keep telling her how you feel and try showing her your results from this site: http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/ideal-healthy-weight

    you are clearly in a healthy range. Tell her you don't want to be skinny you want to be HEALTHY.

    Be strong!
  • fangmouse
    fangmouse Posts: 119
    Hmm she doesn't care about healthy. She likes skinny. I don't like to be stick thin. Also, she often says I shouldn't focus on my looks which are temporary and then she goes on to tell me I need the body of a supermodel. Ironic much?
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Hmm she doesn't care about healthy. She likes skinny. I don't like to be stick thin. Also, she often says I shouldn't focus on my looks which are temporary and then she goes on to tell me I need the body of a supermodel. Ironic much?

    Having lived in Asia for several years, I can say emphatically that Singapore isn't exactly an overweight city. I'm curious what stick thin means to you because I'm sure it means much thinner than stick thin does to my fellow Americans. You need to get out and establish your own life for your own sanity.
  • eelamme
    eelamme Posts: 1,135 Member
    I know it is hard to break yourself away from a parent but it might be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Sadly, your mom won't change...and no matter how desperately you wish you could help her, you can't. Focus on YOU and all else will fall into place. HUGS!
  • Graelwyn75
    Graelwyn75 Posts: 4,404 Member
    Keep the common sense you so clearly have. You have a toxic parent, who clearly has a lot of mental health issues, no offence. Do not allow her words to penetrate. It is her stuff, not yours. You know what is healthy, and what is right for you and it is your body, your life. I suggest simply walking away or turning away when she says these things, or making a stand and telling her you do not want to listen to this rubbish anymore and wish to take care of your body. Seriously, yes it hurts to have to turn away from a parent, but when a parent becomes damaging to you in this way, they really are not fulfilling their role as a parent anyway. Find yourself a decent set of friends in your life, get away as soon as you can, and create your own, positive and healthy family. Blood is not always thicker, imo.
  • PickleJuice9484
    PickleJuice9484 Posts: 9 Member
    My mom is very similar to yours, and I get that you can't move out. When I was in college, I would only eat 300 calories per day and burn 2000 at the gym. it was bad. Then I gained 100lbs, then I lost 100lbs, gained half back...I've been all over the spectrum. Sure, at 5'1", you can eat a little less than others, but don't push it, especially if you're running! One summer i lost 20lbs by eating a daily 2000 calories per day because I was swimming.

    About your mom....My mom is the same age, and I think they grew up during a time where dieting like that was the thing. They really didn't know much better. She's obsessed with being skinny and thinks i'll "never find a husband or a good job being heavy"...but that's ridiculous. (i have an awesome boyfriend who doesn't care if I gain or lose, as long as I'm happy and healthy) My family is also really old school, and I couldn't move out without being married unless I wanted to be disowned by my entire family...and even though I didn't get along with my mom, didn't mean I wanted to turn my family upside down.

    It was really hard growing up like that...i remember my mom leaving the house and i would run to get food because i would get in trouble for eating. And i'm talking about when i was as young as 10 years old! I remember thinking i was SO fat in high school and I covered myself up with crazy sweaters and things like that, I wouldn't join sports teams because I was embarrasses...i didn't even want to go to prom because I thought I was the biggest one there...because my MOM told me so. Then I look at pictures and I was NOT heavy! I was 5'5" and 150!! because I wasn't THIN and petite, i was "fat". Oh boy, if I could only go back. ANYWAY.....do your best to keep your mom's silly words out of your head, and realize that you are just fine the way you are!! I met my boyfriend while i was heavy, and he's wonderful. I have an awesome job working with kids that WAY cooler than my mom's lame and unfulfilling job working for an insurance company! Don't slip back into the anorexia thing! Trust me, it messes with your body!! Find a good support system on here, find some other women who are healthy and eat the right amount of calories, and ask for help when you need it!

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