Depression and weight gain - big rant.

Happyme2009 · February 2014

After my lovely success last year, that you can see in my avatar, I fell off the track.
The "falling" started around Nov./Dec,2013....
I have been quite depressed due to a multitude of reasons which I am not comfortable discussing here....
Let's just say they have to do with many emotional issues, loneliness ( the ending of a very long relationship) a terrible winter, and other problems...
I haven't had time to go to gym and exercise like before...
The brutal temperatures here make me want to hide under blankets all the time. When I can't put myself together to move, I eat.
I put things in my mouth non stop.... some healthy( but too much/many of them), some unhealthy ( carbs/sweets galore). And it doesn't matter how many vegetables or yogurt or protein bars or health stuff I eat , there is always enough space in my stomach for pudding, chocolate, etc.
I just cannot seem to be able to stop....
If I don't eat, I smoke. Quitting cigarettes isn't even an option for me now so please don't preach me about how bad they are.... I hate them because I need to bundle up to go out in the freezing cold to smoke them...still I do it.
In a useless attempt to get back on the track I purchased a spinner bike. It's sitting in my living room and I have no energy or desire to get on it.
I gained about 10 -12 lbs. And that is because I am desperately trying to control myself. If I let go, I would have probably gained double than that.
I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I see it on me, and I feel it.
In this rhythm I will probably end up where I started last year.
Meanwhile it's winter here, ugly ugly ugly. I hate it. I can't get out . I don't want to drive to gym. Going anywhere horrifies me.
I never even read what my fitnesspal friends are posting. Never. And of course, I never post anything or answer to any of them.
I just fill up my diary and wonder where did all that food go.
And I wonder how can other people be so strong in this inhumane lifestyle. Because everything seems inhumane, or maybe just "sub-human". . Starting with the weather and finishing with this life when one has no time for anything and just a perpetual need to pay bills.
Having a talk with my sweet daughter doesn't help...I tell her I would love to move somewhere else, warmer, start fresh......."Mommy, I love Canada and winter and snow.... and you know, I love you"... doesn't make me feel any better or even understand what in the world I am doing . There we go....another bar of chocolate got swallowed. And an apple.
Sorry for the rant. And thanks for listening.
I am blessed to have what I have, and I thank you God for everything every day.. I do know I am much more fortunate than other people.... still some kind of disgusting sadness take over me more and more often now, sucks up my left over of energy and optimism and hopes, and just makes me eat....and not move.... and wait for a miracle that may never come....
If you write anything I will read, and I thank you in advance.
I promise no replies/ answers since I feel like a loser right now.

Kz1000_Rider · February 2014

I can relate. I hurt my back and have been unable to do any form of exercise for months and as a result I became depressed. It seemed like no matter what I ate I was always hungry and as a result I gained back 30 lbs It would seem that my disc herniation has more or less corrected itself so now instead of going under the knife I'll be getting a nerve block and PT. Hopefully all goes well. I can also relate about the weather. I lived in the mountains of Oregon most of my life and the weather was just depressing. I lived in Nebraska for a few years and the winters were brutal so now I'm in Florida and it's much better. Hopefully you can pull out of your funk I know I'm doing everything I can to get out of mine.

firelight4321 · February 2014

You should quit smoking. It's equally detrimental to your health as weight gain.

Regarding the depression... Try to make more time for yourself. Go out with friends & do things you know will lift your mood. When you feel like buying chocolate, save that money for a movie or a trip to the salon instead. Are you happier during the summer? You could have S.A.D. This can be treated by simply getting more sunlight, or a trip to the tanning booth.

I know loneliness can be hard, so try to surround yourself with people. Meetup.com is a great place to find groups with similar interests.

usmcmp · February 2014

I suffer from depression and I have for many years. What I am about to say is going to sound rude/mean, but it's something I have learned over the last few years.

Take responsibility. Depression does not MAKE you gain weight. You allowed yourself to comfort eat. You haven't found ways to workout without a gym. You ignore the people on here who could actually inspire you or give you advice on how to fix it. You even blamed you daughter, someone you should be setting an example for.

Once you accept that you did all of this to yourself you can start to change it. When you blame others you give away your power to fix it. You know what to do, just do it. Exercise is better at improving mood than any anti-depressant drug on the market. Suck it up and change.

galipemi1 · February 2014

I hear and empathize with every word you just wrote. I too am Canadian and this winter is just incredibly brutal. Hasn't been like this since I was a little kid. I was just diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) for the first time about three weeks ago. There is also some question as to whether it might be my first true depressive episode since it runs in my family. My best suggestion for you based on the experience you've listed above is to make an appointment with your family doctor ASAP. It can be cathartic just to even say the words out loud to someone and ask for help. My doctor did bloodworm, started me on increased vitamin D, vitamin B12 and iron. I also started using blue light therapy which has been somewhat helpful. Just this week we also started me on an anti-depressant. You may or may not need something similar, only your doctor can tell you for sure, but what you have posted are very classic symptoms of depression and those will need treatment before you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Above all else remember that you are strong and you have people who love and support you in the world. Everything will be ok in the end but you may need to ask for some help along the way. Worry less about the weight for right now and start by dealing with the depression. The backslide started there, it can end there too.

David_AUS · February 2014

It can be freeing to let things out like this - There is much beauty and horror in the world you will find it in all things - it helps to empty some trash and make space in you life and mind. I believe that action reaps reward - the miracle you are looking for has already been granted - you just need to give yourself permission to accept it. Give yourself permission to take it - You know what you need to do you now need to live what you know. - i think you and your daughter needs a hug - your daughter also needs to know that you love her. You already started to look again for the marvels and wonder and beauty in life at the end of your "rant" - I encourage you to bring your awareness on what you love about life.

Lovelovesme · February 2014

Welcome back

Things will get better for you, from your last paragraph its obvious you are grateful for the good in your life, focus on that, it will get you through.
All the best

docdrd · February 2014

You are not a loser! And the first step in healing is to begin to forgive yourself and start liking yourself again. The second step, is to start to exercise again. Do it one day, then do it the next. I think you should go to the gym. FORCE yourself to get in the car and go because once you are in the building, you will work out. The hard part is leaving the house, but you can do it. I know you can do it!! You are a strong woman!

The only other thing, please look at your daughter and then throw out the cigs. Nothing else matters as much as that. ANYTHING we can do to help you there, please ask.

ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

1pandabear · February 2014

I am really sorry you aren't feeling well. You will need to break the cycle, that one where you feel depressed and eat inappropriately, then consequently feel guilty, defeated, and more depressed about the eating, and eat more. The bad feelings came from your thoughts and that is where you can break the cycle. It's odd that we spontaneously get a specialist for work on everything we have, from our cars, to our education, our plumbing, our yards, even our hair, but when it comes to our minds we act like it's something we don't need a specialist for, we are suddenly the foremost experts... With that lead obviously I am going to suggest a visit with a psychiatrist or a psychologist/social worker, or both.

mahanaibu · February 2014

I'm so sorry, especially as your friend who saw you do such an incredible job becoming so beautifully fit. 10 or 12 pounds isn't a big deal, though, and I know you'll find your way back down.

as others have mentioned, you could well indeed have seasonal affective disorder that is contributing to what's overall been a tough time for you. I hope you will help yourself by, instead of worrying about what isn't a terrible amount of weight gain at all, that you will start to take care of yourself in whatever ways you can. I happened last year on a doctor who specialized in depression; my grown daughter was undergoing SAD at the time as well as generalized depression. He said the most effective way to go about it is to use a variety of tools, not just one or two. Perhaps treat yourself a little, to things that are good for you. New nail polish, a massage, a really lovely new tea. For me, I find yoga classes make a huge difference. Yes, one of the special lamps to treat SAD could be very helpful. Perhaps see a therapist. Or join a group that could become a community for you...a book group, a hiking group (spring is right around the corner!!!)

You've had such a rough time. If I were there, I would take you out and treat you to something soothe you and bring a little light into your life. For right now, it sounds like you need to do this for yourself.

alfiedn · February 2014

Depression is an illness, so get help and get treated! I've been there and it's incredibly hard to simply do your everyday tasks, I know. I know for myself, it makes a BIG difference if I eat whole grains, take fish oil, and exercise regularly, but you may need help to get to the point where you can help yourself.

If you do end up on medication, it doesn't mean you'll always be on medication. You can come back off of it later, in some cases. In others, it allows you to correct that imbalance of chemicals that makes you feel so icky.

You aren't a loser, you're sick, you have a chemical imbalance and getting the medication/help you need is crucial. Would you tell someone with strep to suck it up and get better without getting them antibiotics?

There is nothing wrong with needing help and asking for it, you've had a tough time, but you can get help and learn to deal with everything in a more healthy way! Don't worry about the weight just now, just worry about feeling better.

emmasage2u · February 2014

When I am overly depressed I also eat - mindlessly. I don't keep sweets or pastries around so what I eat is just lots of "good" food. I agree with most of the other posts = do something unrelated to food as a "treat" for yourself. Watch a funny movie, get around people, pet an animal, hug your daughter, see a doctor and a therapist; look for a way to exercise at home. Jump rope? Watch a TV exercise show. Play some fast music and move -- it really doesn't matter what you do as long as you get your heart rate up. Do isometrics if you have been doing strength training or lift a 10 lb bag of potatoes or something else you have around the house. Don't wait for the motivation to come; it won't show up until you get up and do something. That seems impossible now, I know. Been there done that. I have been struggling for the last three weeks myself. Over the holidays I limited myself to three days of overeating, but struggling several days a week this month. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It helps me to know others also struggle. You have already shown what a strong woman you are. You can do it. Remember WHY you are trying to be healthier Every new day is another chance to change your life and remember your present situation is not your final destination!

michellemybelll · February 2014

Take responsibility. Depression does not MAKE you gain weight. You allowed yourself to comfort eat. You haven't found ways to workout without a gym. You ignore the people on here who could actually inspire you or give you advice on how to fix it. You even blamed you daughter, someone you should be setting an example for.

Once you accept that you did all of this to yourself you can start to change it. When you blame others you give away your power to fix it. You know what to do, just do it. Exercise is better at improving mood than any anti-depressant drug on the market. Suck it up and change.

This is refreshingly honest, and great advice.

Gohomebay · February 2014

So agree as well, and bringing your daughter into your sadness about your weight is an issue all on its own, pls try and not do that. Seems like u r very unhappy take small steps to a better life plssssss

SerenaFisher · February 2014

Depression during this time of the year, I may not live in Canada but it has been brutally cold here near the border in New York. Many people have seasonal depression, and more than most would like to admit put on 10 or 12lbs during the winter. The bright side is accepting that you have a problem you can now take control of that problem.

I understand the eating and not being able to stop. I am working overnight tonight and as my eyes want to close my hand wants to be in a bag of chips or any crunchy thing to keep my eyes open. It is a battle but I know it is worth it. Maybe do some active things with your daughter? Yea it is brutal but if you're moving and having fun with your daughter it might seem a little less cruel.

jjking54 · February 2014

I'll echo a lot of what's been said here.

I've struggled with depression since I was in a college, and yes, I'm medicated. It helps, but it's not the only answer.

Yes, you have to take control of it. Ultimately you and you alone will decide to get up, get moving and get out of the habit of stuffing your face.

Consider meditation. It has, probably quite literally, saved my life.

At it's core it's about being mindful and being "present." Being "aware" of the present moment, and the moment after that, and the moment after that, as they occur.

When I was at my lowest, meditation helped me through. If I could manage and be present for this moment, then I could do it for the next moment. And you keep doing that, managing those moments one after another until you realize, you've managed an entire day of moments. Then you do it again the next day, and the day after that.

You can do this ... trust me.

emmasage2u · March 2014

Thanks, JJ. I'll try this, too. Meds & therapy doesn't do it all.:ohwell:

Alissakae · March 2014

You know, reaching out to others by writing this is a huge step toward getting yourself back together. The winter abyss is almost over (it's MARCH!!!) and soon you'll be able to go outside, feel the sun on your face, and smile back at it. Try baby steps - an apple before you let yourself have the chocolate, a walk around your house before and after each meal, playing something active with your daughter. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you have started to find it already.

Happyme2009 · April 2014

Spring is here , my dear lovely supportive friends. I just wanted to thank all of you one more time .... Luckily sunshine outside brought some some shine in my head too ... Back to normal , down to 126 lbs already and back in gym full force !
Thank you !

zoeysasha37 · April 2014

Glad your feeling better!! :-) seasonal depression is very common in places where it's brutally cold. I hope your able to work threw everything! :-)

Depression and weight gain - big rant.

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