self sabotage

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lindseyelyzabeth
lindseyelyzabeth Posts: 33 Member
in Motivation and Support
yesterday started great. went to the gym, had an awesome workout, ate healthy and kept track of everything, left some wiggle room for my holiday party, kept track while AT my holiday party, had a great time, wore my new amazing dress, won an award - it was a great night. when i got home with mike and a couple of friends, all of a sudden, my brain went into crazy mode. CRAZY.

if anyone has ever struggled with an addiction, you know what i'm talking about. your brain flips into an ugly persistence until you get what you "need." i'm really blessed to have a boyfriend that has taken the time to understand this underlying disease of addiction that is constantly living in me - he is so good at not being an enabler. when i turn into this ugly person, he is usually so good at not giving in. but, addicts of all kinds are manipulative and mean. and i totally became that last night, in front of our friends, until they went to the grocery store and got some cookies and chips. i made him get kashi cookies and sunchips, saying "they're healthier - i can have them." - a blatant lie.

once they came back, lindsey went into binge mode. it's the first time i've had a true food binge in probably 6 months. during this, it's like my mind goes blank. i completely black out from reality and just numb out - food is my heroin. it's so disturbing how all day long i can be so in control of my food, truly view it as my fuel and medicine, and then something sets me off and it becomes my drug. i'm always the advocate of, "track it, no matter what" but at this point, i can't come to terms with that. which is why i am writing this blog. i know i need to be honest about it and just let it out. i ate about half a tub of hummus, at least 2 servings of triscuits, 1/3 bag of sunchips, 3 large kashi cookies and about 6 of those disgusting, refined sugar crappy mother's cookies. needless to say, as soon as i ate all of that, i was SICK. i still am. i feel like crap. how does a human even consume that much within a 30 minute period, after a full day of eating AND at 10 PM. it boggles my mind.

i slept horribly, from emotional stress and belly sickness. all night, all i could think was, "why did i do that?" i think that as chubby people, we all really hide behind the fat. seriously. it's our comfort. it's ingrained in our personality. i've always been one to hide pain with humor. if i make fun of myself first, then someone else won't. all of a sudden, i'm not having to make humorous excuses for "my fat *kitten*." everyone at the holiday party, especially those i haven't seen for a long time, were commenting on how great i look, "how much weight have you lost!", "how did you do it?", "you look stunning!" essentially, i should be on CLOUD 9 after comments like that. but when i start to get consistent compliments, i freeze and panic. i don't know what to do. this is not the world i am used to. lindsey is not allowed to be happy, enjoying her body. so, when this happens, lindsey punishes herself. this is why i always hit the weight of where i'm at and stop. this is as happy as i'm allowed to be, nothing more. it's so sad.

this is why i joined MFP a month ago. i HAVE to learn to emotionally let myself continue this journey and i HAVE to learn to allow myself to be happy and healthy. no one can do that for me. i hope this is the last binge that will ever happen to me, ever. i feel like i am dealing with it the smartest way i know how - coming on here and sharing this with all of you. seeking advice, encouragement and support. i know there are others that are going through this exact same struggle.

i'm going to get through this, and i am going to get below 155 - something i have never done my whole, adult life. i don't think i've been below 155 pounds since i was 12. my goal is 140. i have no time constraint on when i want it to happen. i can only take it one day at a time. today, i plan to relax, reflect, let my body recover, drink lots of water, eat very lightly, and hopefully i will feel better and up to going to the gym this evening. hopefully a good workout might make me feel less guilty. one day at a time, lindsey...one day at a time.

Replies

  • Hummmingbird
    Hummmingbird Posts: 337 Member
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    girl, all i can say is...IM WITH YOU! your post almost made me cry knowing im not alone. My family are all alcoholics-i am not, my bf smokes-i dont....everyone says how im so good and i dont have a vice or addiction. they are WRONG. I am addicted to food!

    be well chica
  • bree1609
    bree1609 Posts: 136
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    I know what you mean about being healthy all day and then something just snaps in your brain and you go for the snacks. For me, it happens when things are going "too well." As soon as I see that I've made progress, I start to convince myself, "oh, it's ok. I've worked so hard, I can let myself do this just once."

    It's CRAP!

    I've let myself slack since Thanksgiving when all of my family commented on how great I'm looking. I gained back 3 lbs BECAUSE I was feeling "good enough" to let myself slide back a little. Now I feel aweful! It's time for me to get back on track and STAY on track. You can do it, too!
  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
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    girl, all i can say is...IM WITH YOU! your post almost made me cry knowing im not alone. My family are all alcoholics-i am not, my bf smokes-i dont....everyone says how im so good and i dont have a vice or addiction. they are WRONG. I am addicted to food!

    I was going to post the exact same thing! The original post sounded like it was me talking. None of my friends or family truly understands what it is like to be addicted to food. I'm glad there is someone else here that knows and that I'm not alone.
  • 8turboturtle8
    8turboturtle8 Posts: 239 Member
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    OMG! You are so not alone...I have often thought/lived through exactly what you wrote about...time and time again.
  • superwmn
    superwmn Posts: 936
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    The book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth is a great read if you suffer from food addiction. I read it in January and have binged ONCE since. The book was life changing for me.

    Here's an excerpt from Oprah.com:

    http://www.oprah.com/health/An-Excerpt-from-Geneen-Roths-Women-Food-And-God

    YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS ADDICTION!!!

    Charmagne
  • brittlynne3579
    brittlynne3579 Posts: 217 Member
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    SO with you on this my friend! People always compare food addiction to every other addiction. In some ways, it is similar....you must work hard to conquer it, but in one major way, it is different. People can live without nicotene, alcohol, shopping, and drugs.

    But we cannot live without food. We HAVE to find a way to break our cycle because cutting 'it' cold turkey would leave us dead.

    Just know we are ALL here for you and most of us know all too well what you are experiencing. I binged and purged for a while and even when I was purge free, I continued to binge. Luckily, I have that under control now, but any trigger or bad day can send my mind to places of binge eating. It's a vicious cycle and I hope you find the strength and support to overcome!!

    Much love xoxox
  • Dafrog
    Dafrog Posts: 353
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    Only an addict can truely understand an addict. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, or food. I myself did some binge eating last night (funny thing is what triggered ir was a family member suggesting to my parents i was back on meth). One thing that I learned in rehab is that addicts have very addicted behaviors. We so often replace one unhealthy obsession with another. so many of us never learn how to balance things (myself included) and live a normal functional life. then again what is the true definition of normal. Mg name is DaFrog and i am an addict. Just not illegal stuff today...LoL
  • grace914
    grace914 Posts: 139 Member
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    I'm with all of you. My friends and family think I'm crazy because I say that I am addicted to food. They say it's not alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs. So, they think it's just an excuse. I try so hard to eat well, but my emotions always get the best of me. Since November 1st, I've worked out 24 times, roughly 1-2 hours per session. Yet, I've gained 4lbs because of my eating habits. I've been on MFP for 7 days and I hope that this community will push me to succeed.

    I wish you all well.
  • carrollaj34
    carrollaj34 Posts: 11
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    Thanks for putting yourself out there and explaining your thoughts and feelings. I did almost the exact same thing last night and am feeling horrible for it today.

    The fact that you haven't binged in 6 months is an accomplishment though. Don't forget what you HAVE accomplished. Today is a new day, get yourself back on track and stick to your plan. You have the right idea and don't beat yourself up for some set backs. There will always be some......

    I had a great weekend, tracked what I ate, exercised on Saturday, and then yesterday it went south! Last night I had leftover Hamburger helper (leftover from my daughter's dinner), made like 15 pizza rolls, and ate 2 cookies. I wasn't even hungry! Something took over in my mind that said eat and that's what I did. Not even sure what triggers this but I feel so out of control when it happens that I don't know what to do anymore!

    Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. We do the very best we can, and talking about it with other people could probably really help for me. So thank you for sharing!
  • tknuzum
    tknuzum Posts: 52
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    I understand the feeling. You do so well for so long then just snap. I am glad I am not the only one expieriencing this. And it sucks. I do this when my blood sugar goes to low. I am diabetic and if I get off scheduale just by 10 minutes my sugars go low and like you said you just kinda black out and eat everything you can get your hands on and you feel horrible. Been there done that. It sucks. And I am sorry that it happens. But once you feel better, jump back on the band wagon and keep trying. I have found that if I chew gum when I start feeling like that it helps sometimes. Or drink a big glass of water to see if that helps. I know that it may not and its hard but just don't give up. I do great during the week and then weekends its like I forget what I have started. But just don't give up and someday it will be easier to not do it. It will get better just keep trying :)
  • tattoodfreek
    tattoodfreek Posts: 520 Member
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    The book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth is a great read if you suffer from food addiction. I read it in January and have binged ONCE since. The book was life changing for me.

    Here's an excerpt from Oprah.com:

    http://www.oprah.com/health/An-Excerpt-from-Geneen-Roths-Women-Food-And-God

    YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS ADDICTION!!!

    Charmagne

    I actually had seen this book when they reviewed it on Oprah and told my DH I wanted to get it, but then forgot all about it. Thank you for posting that link and reminding me. I find this quote particularly on point, as I too continue to face this ongoing battle with self sabotage:

    "For a variety of reasons we don't fully understand (genetics, temperament, environment), those of us who are compulsive eaters choose food. Not because of its taste. Not because of its texture or its color. We want quantity, volume, bulk. We need it—a lot of it—to go unconscious. To wipe out what's going on. The unconsciousness is what's important, not the food.

    Sometimes people will say, "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

    But.

    When you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something—love something—you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture. But overeating does not lead to rapture: It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love; that's suffering."
  • getmylifeback
    getmylifeback Posts: 14
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    Oh my Gosh ! I have felt the same way, everytime I take a step foward, I wind up taking two steps backwards. I fell like if I have been god I can go off just a bit then it escalates into way overboard! there ae days I just feel like giving up. But than there are days like today, that I wake up and say I am going to do this! I think this is why my family does not really put to much faith in my losing the weight. I really have to find the way to balance all of this.
  • goingwithgrace
    goingwithgrace Posts: 109 Member
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    I'm sad for you and proud of you all at the same time cuz! :flowerforyou:

    I guess the question is always why - what's the trigger? Was it just the social surroundings (for example some people only smoke or have to smoke when they're out drinking with friends) or were you feeling deprived (like you haven't had a cookie in 6 months and enough was enough!) or was it a reward for an amazing night (celebrating with food) or was it just a familiar scenario late at night to just eat - like the post nightclub days where at 2am you go for burritos...

    I guess there can just be so many triggers and the good thing is knowing what it was and what to do in the future when its ugly head appears. For some women, I seriously think PMS or any type of hormone shift can trigger it too. Those types of things are tough because they are less controllable. It's like your body takes over.

    For me it is usually I feel deprived. I feel like I haven't had a pizza in 2 months and when one is present I completely and totally lose my mind... and typically it also happens when I am starving! It's never good to be starving... it's so easy to lose it completely when you're ready to commit murder just for a piece of food. :angry: :wink:

    For me food is a selfish thing too. My life (primarily my evil hellish job) is all about everyone else but me. I give and give and give all day long with nothing in return support wise. It's draining at a level I can't begin to explain (soul sucking may be a good word). The only thing I seem to have the ability to be completely selfish about is eating. Even the weight loss thing doesn't always feel like its for me. It's so other people accept me (I'm prettier, I'm thin and fit in, I can clothes shop, I'm sexier, etc. etc.) On days when I feel like it is for me, I'm on top of the world, but lately I've lost that mojo... now it's back to feeling like a chore and sometimes it even feels like a competition with Mr. C. - which I hate, especially since he's winning. HA HA! :laugh:

    Your diet is impressive but definitely strict. Mr. C. and I are constantly in awe of your discipline, but maybe you do feel like you're missing out and being in the party atmosphere brought it forward?? It would be fascinating to see historic trends on events and when you have eaten like that before - to see if there is a common thread.

    All I know is I'm so glad to be experiencing this with you and learning so much more about you. We always had so much fun as kids... maybe because we both suffer from the same family *kitten* size! HA HA HA! J/K. You're the best Linds!! :hug:
  • lindseyelyzabeth
    lindseyelyzabeth Posts: 33 Member
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    I guess the question is always why - what's the trigger? Was it just the social surroundings (for example some people only smoke or have to smoke when they're out drinking with friends) or were you feeling deprived (like you haven't had a cookie in 6 months and enough was enough!) or was it a reward for an amazing night (celebrating with food) or was it just a familiar scenario late at night to just eat - like the post nightclub days where at 2am you go for burritos...

    nightclub mode and social anxiety certainly took the cake, this time around. (no pun intended!) i think we always tend to eat more when we're drinking, which is why i try to avoid it as much as possible. (and i love me some wine! it's probably one of the more difficult elements of my lifestyle change to give up.) but, i have to allow myself to have a glass now & then, which i do. but the late night post-drinking binge was just awful. and while i was eating everything, cheap cookies, overly processed crappy chips, all i could think was, "i'm not even enjoying this food. it's disgusting." we never have crap like that in the house - mike & darryl made a special trip to the store to get it. a weak, overtired, slightly intoxicated mess. ugh.

    it's a great reminder of why i eat the way i do. i literally have a food (not booze) hangover today. i feel like crap. i hate that feeling. my daily routine is actually pretty simple for me. we don't have a lot of snack-y food in the house, besides some whole wheat crackers, fruits, nuts and veggies. i make my own granola bars. i juice every morning. have a protein shake with breakfast and lunch, and then we plan out what we're making for dinner for the week every sunday, before we go grocery shopping. i like to plan my days in advance. when i'm busy and working, i don't get crazy hungry. and when i am hungry, i eat. i can't say i ever really feel deprived - i've been eating with that kind of mindset for over a year and a half (with a month of a lot of eating out while we were moving and had no kitchen, which came along with a 10 pound weight gain.) once something becomes habit, it's easy. that just takes time.

    so, i'm going to go with alcohol-induced social anxiety. lindsey's kryptonite. :)

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