Anyone else losing weight to feel 'accepted and normal'?
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zealey77
Posts: 104
Hi,
I'm just writing to vent, so sorry if this comes off as a bit of a rant, but I'm 40 this year and feel such pressure to 'succeed' by my peers and society-at-large standards. Pathetic huh? But nearly all my friends I grew up with now have a mortgage, great job, wife and kids, most of them seem real happy and content too. I'm overweight, underemployed, single and childless, mortgage-less and out of ideas. I finally decided to take myself in hand and get fit/healthy at the start of this new year because 40 has always been a massive deal for me. I've made a checklist of things I want to achieve by my 40th in October and one of them is to have lost 40 pounds. It's March and I've lost around 22-28 pounds (depending which time of day I weigh myself lol) but I can't help feeling I'm doing all this just to feel accepted and loveable and when I get to my goal weight I'll just realise that it makes no difference to the 'real' me - I'll still be facing all the same life issues I did when I was 40 pounds overweight.
I don't want to have kids - for many reasons - some valid, some just based on fear and selfishness, I used to have a well paid stressful job and a mortgage which sent me slowly insane. These past few years have been tough and I let myself go. I'm now trying to get back on track, but I fear I haven't really learned anything from the experience and am just kidding myself that if I lose weight I'll suddenly become loveable and achieve all the things society tells me I should be - even though I had it and hated it. But all my friends - in real life and on Facebook - especially female - seem to think if you haven't had kids by 40 then your life is meaningless and you're just kidding yourself (even though they always seem to ***** about what 'hard work it is looking after kids', spending their days meeting up with other mothers and drinking coffee, living off their hubby's credit card whilst he works himself into the grave).
I guess I'm just a confused little bloke really. lol. OK, rant over. thanks for listening. I feel better having got it all out now, so back to the cabbage soup and self-denial
I'm just writing to vent, so sorry if this comes off as a bit of a rant, but I'm 40 this year and feel such pressure to 'succeed' by my peers and society-at-large standards. Pathetic huh? But nearly all my friends I grew up with now have a mortgage, great job, wife and kids, most of them seem real happy and content too. I'm overweight, underemployed, single and childless, mortgage-less and out of ideas. I finally decided to take myself in hand and get fit/healthy at the start of this new year because 40 has always been a massive deal for me. I've made a checklist of things I want to achieve by my 40th in October and one of them is to have lost 40 pounds. It's March and I've lost around 22-28 pounds (depending which time of day I weigh myself lol) but I can't help feeling I'm doing all this just to feel accepted and loveable and when I get to my goal weight I'll just realise that it makes no difference to the 'real' me - I'll still be facing all the same life issues I did when I was 40 pounds overweight.
I don't want to have kids - for many reasons - some valid, some just based on fear and selfishness, I used to have a well paid stressful job and a mortgage which sent me slowly insane. These past few years have been tough and I let myself go. I'm now trying to get back on track, but I fear I haven't really learned anything from the experience and am just kidding myself that if I lose weight I'll suddenly become loveable and achieve all the things society tells me I should be - even though I had it and hated it. But all my friends - in real life and on Facebook - especially female - seem to think if you haven't had kids by 40 then your life is meaningless and you're just kidding yourself (even though they always seem to ***** about what 'hard work it is looking after kids', spending their days meeting up with other mothers and drinking coffee, living off their hubby's credit card whilst he works himself into the grave).
I guess I'm just a confused little bloke really. lol. OK, rant over. thanks for listening. I feel better having got it all out now, so back to the cabbage soup and self-denial
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Replies
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Thanks for sharing...thats never easy to do. 2013 was a really challenging year for me in lot of of areas, physical, mental, emotional, and professionally. I started this journey to loose weight to start focusing on improving my health and how i felt about myself. Its been working, and now that im closer to where i want to be weight wise im doing more to have a healthy mind and spirit. Part of that is reaching out to others to help them on their journey, and the other part is working on prayer and meditation to get myself to a better plane of confort with who i am as a person. Glad to have you as a friend on here.0
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Thanks Matthew - kind and insightful words. I think you are probably further towards your goal than you realise - only a genuinely compassionate good person would have taken the time to respond as you did.
Glad to be your friend on here too.
M0 -
We're all confused in our own ways! There's huge societal pressure to have the 2.4 kids, the dog, two cars and the white picket fence. And, of course, the good job that pays for it all. And society gets all offended when we don't conform to that.
One of the big things I've realised (in my self-loathing of not having a "purpose" - ie the picket fence, the kids and whathaveyou) is that you need to work out who you are, or who you want to be, and then strive to be the best bloody you that you can be. This, of course, isn't easy...
But a good start is getting healthy again. And work on loving yourself, because there's one person who's going to be there with you for the rest of this wild ride we call life - that's you.
I wish you luck, OP. And trust me when I say - your life is far from meaningless, just because you've not contributed your genes to the next generation of humans.0 -
brilliant and inspiring hmaddpear. yeah - I'm totally feeling that. x0
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There are lots of reasons *I* want to get slimmer/fitter.
Enjoying doing many of the things I do.
It also gives me more confidence generally - both with women and life in general.
I know an awful lot of blokes that would have a much better time if they were single and childless at 40 - sure, it may be what many women convince themselves is ideal (biology no doubt plays a part), but an awful lot sadly do seem to be restricted by this setup and would much enjoy life without the ties.0 -
Honestly, not having it "all together" by 40 isn't really a big deal nowadays. I think you're doing an awesome job jotting down a few goals for 2014 and having accomplished more than half of your weight loss goal is amazing. Pride yourself on the things you have accomplished throughout your life rather than the things you think you need to accomplish based on society. You seem like a brilliant guy with a good head on your shoulders, so don't give up the fight. Don't do anything in your life for anyone but yourself. Lose weight for yourself, get a girlfriend for yourself, etc and you'll find that when you work towards that goal everything else will fall into place.
Good luck love x0 -
Honestly, not having it "all together" by 40 isn't really a big deal nowadays. I think you're doing an awesome job jotting down a few goals for 2014 and having accomplished more than half of your weight loss goal is amazing. Pride yourself on the things you have accomplished throughout your life rather than the things you think you need to accomplish based on society. You seem like a brilliant guy with a good head on your shoulders, so don't give up the fight. Don't do anything in your life for anyone but yourself. Lose weight for yourself, get a girlfriend for yourself, etc and you'll find that when you work towards that goal everything else will fall into place.
Good luck love x
Ah wow, you've made my day with that post. Thank you x
It's hard though - the pressure I feel to be 'normal' (whatever normal really means).
On a side note, I'm a 39 year old white guy and if I'm feeling this pressure to conform from society, then god only knows what a teenage girl must feel growing up seeing social media and TV and trying to be 'successful' by matching those impossible images with what she sees in the mirror or in her bank account.
Guess I should be grateful for my own small pity party 0 -
Hi,
First let me say I think you are doing GREAT although I have never met you.....I understand how you feel, but let me assure you that the only way you will be happy is to do it for you, not others. Your health is important, and I promise that once you focus on that aspect, the progress will start to make you feel better about yourself. There is nothing wrong with not owning a home, most people who own one (including myself) feel that it's nice but in the long run a headache! The jobs, I say reach out to do something that you enjoy, NOT something that will stress you to the point of a fat bank account and high blood pressure. The 2 don't mix well. As for children, there is no sin in not having kids. Have you seen the news lately?
Just a little side note, although there is nothing wrong with the family and the coffee/play dates....if a person has to constantly brag about how great their life is and cut you down for not having the same, they are usually not that happy and only trying to convince THEMSELVES. It may not be all they make it out to be. Ever heard the term "misery loves company". You hang in there and do YOU!0 -
ill never be 'normal', its boring and people should accept you the way you are.
Think of the positives.. you have no responsabilities and are free to do what you want whenever you want with whomever you want, no one should have expectations of you they have no right you are your own person and as long as you are happy with yourself is what matters. Maybe life will begin at 40 for you if your feeling like you have nothing.
As for no kids.. so many dont want or cant have kids. Theres nothing wrong with that but there is something wrong with you can judge people with kids. Im only letting you off because you really do have to have your own kids to know how much hard work it is.0 -
Honestly, not having it "all together" by 40 isn't really a big deal nowadays. I think you're doing an awesome job jotting down a few goals for 2014 and having accomplished more than half of your weight loss goal is amazing. Pride yourself on the things you have accomplished throughout your life rather than the things you think you need to accomplish based on society. You seem like a brilliant guy with a good head on your shoulders, so don't give up the fight. Don't do anything in your life for anyone but yourself. Lose weight for yourself, get a girlfriend for yourself, etc and you'll find that when you work towards that goal everything else will fall into place.
Good luck love x
Ah wow, you've made my day with that post. Thank you x
It's hard though - the pressure I feel to be 'normal' (whatever normal really means).
On a side note, I'm a 39 year old white guy and if I'm feeling this pressure to conform from society, then god only knows what a teenage girl must feel growing up seeing social media and TV and trying to be 'successful' by matching those impossible images with what she sees in the mirror or in her bank account.
Guess I should be grateful for my own small pity party
There is no "normal". Flaws are what make people, people and imperfections are what make people perfect. As a 22 year old woman I've felt the same pressures every day, especially being overweight. I've learned to say to hell with everyone else and just live my life the way I want, which is what you need to do as well! You have every right to have a pity party for yourself; I have one every day
I promise you everything will fall into place, some people it just takes a little longer x 0 -
When I was younger I lost weight to feel accepted and normal. Now I strive for being healthy. You will find that the older you get, the more it is about feeling great and being healthy. The look part is just a bonus. Heck, I am reinventing myself again at age 550
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Hey M,
I don't want kids either. I don't want a mortgage, and heck, I don't want a career either! I want a life of doing what I enjoy and helping people that I love.
I have a bf, neither of us "believe" in traditional marriage as it is rooted in religion and neither of us are, and we both see our friends on Facebook getting engaged and taking obnoxious pictures of the $5,000 diamond rings they bought with their life savings.
I'm 31, by the way. I hope you can learn to love yourself and your beliefs for what they are, because even at 40 lbs overweight you ARE lovable. My bf met me at 45 lbs overweight, and he still went for it. He totally supports me getting healthy, but he loves me for the intelligent caring understanding human being that I am, and because we think the same about life and society.
Maybe in your circle of friends they think if you don't have mortgage and kids by 40 you're doomed, but that's not a universal belief. There are PLENTY of us out there that reject these things and are happier because of it! You'll find someone that thinks just like you!
So, yes you should get to a healthy weight, just so you're a healthy person, but in the process learn to love what makes you happy - your thoughts, your beliefs. Embrace them, make them your own, and transform yourself physically and emotionally into a stronger person. I truly believe that if you believe you're more lovable, you will be. It's really all in your head.
And, for the people who may put you down for rejecting the "normal" road in life, their beliefs are all in their head too. Don't forget that!
E0 -
Honestly, not having it "all together" by 40 isn't really a big deal nowadays. I think you're doing an awesome job jotting down a few goals for 2014 and having accomplished more than half of your weight loss goal is amazing. Pride yourself on the things you have accomplished throughout your life rather than the things you think you need to accomplish based on society. You seem like a brilliant guy with a good head on your shoulders, so don't give up the fight. Don't do anything in your life for anyone but yourself. Lose weight for yourself, get a girlfriend for yourself, etc and you'll find that when you work towards that goal everything else will fall into place.
Good luck love x
Ah wow, you've made my day with that post. Thank you x
It's hard though - the pressure I feel to be 'normal' (whatever normal really means).
On a side note, I'm a 39 year old white guy and if I'm feeling this pressure to conform from society, then god only knows what a teenage girl must feel growing up seeing social media and TV and trying to be 'successful' by matching those impossible images with what she sees in the mirror or in her bank account.
Guess I should be grateful for my own small pity party
There is no "normal". Flaws are what make people, people and imperfections are what make people perfect. As a 22 year old woman I've felt the same pressures every day, especially being overweight. I've learned to say to hell with everyone else and just live my life the way I want, which is what you need to do as well! You have every right to have a pity party for yourself; I have one every day I promise you everything will fall into place, some people it just takes a little longer x
You're 22? Wow, I'm nearly 40, so forgive me if this sounds creepy but I'm saying it for truth - you have a very wise head on your shoulders. Thank you for your advice. With such an enlightened view of the world at such a young age then I reckon anything you choose to do will be a success. Weight isn't an issue.I wish I'd learned how to be myself in my early 20's, I could have saved myself double trouble.0 -
'Nothing is so common as the desire to be remarkable'....... William Shakespeare.
Losing weight gives confidence, self esteem, but do it for health and longevity. Losing weight is not the magic bullet to cure life's woes. As far as what is expected. ....... I have such a wide range of friends and family, who never married or couples who never wanted children, and some married with kids, grandkids. Who wants to be another brick in the wall anyways. I do not worry about marriage and society norms , some things I leave to a Greater Power. Be yourself. Even if you have kids that does not mean happy life or that they will even be there for you in old age.0 -
Hey M,
I don't want kids either. I don't want a mortgage, and heck, I don't want a career either! I want a life of doing what I enjoy and helping people that I love.
I have a bf, neither of us "believe" in traditional marriage as it is rooted in religion and neither of us are, and we both see our friends on Facebook getting engaged and taking obnoxious pictures of the $5,000 diamond rings they bought with their life savings.
I'm 31, by the way. I hope you can learn to love yourself and your beliefs for what they are, because even at 40 lbs overweight you ARE lovable. My bf met me at 45 lbs overweight, and he still went for it. He totally supports me getting healthy, but he loves me for the intelligent caring understanding human being that I am, and because we think the same about life and society.
Maybe in your circle of friends they think if you don't have mortgage and kids by 40 you're doomed, but that's not a universal belief. There are PLENTY of us out there that reject these things and are happier because of it! You'll find someone that thinks just like you!
So, yes you should get to a healthy weight, just so you're a healthy person, but in the process learn to love what makes you happy - your thoughts, your beliefs. Embrace them, make them your own, and transform yourself physically and emotionally into a stronger person. I truly believe that if you believe you're more lovable, you will be. It's really all in your head.
And, for the people who may put you down for rejecting the "normal" road in life, their beliefs are all in their head too. Don't forget that!
E
thank you. I agree but maybe you are drawing some of your strength from having met someone who shares your world view? Would you still feel the same way tomorrow without him? Maybe you would, I'm not judging you, but I've never met that 'other half' or 'significant other' yet so feel alone in my choices. x0 -
Hi. I don't think I am losing weight to feel accepted and normal. I am doing it to feel good and look good. It helps that my husband is loving the new me. Not to say he didn't love me before I lost weight. Your right raising kids is hard and I won't lie and say I don't enjoy my little bit of time without kids. I can't imagine not having had my children but that is me. I am one of those wives who must have my own home. I want my children to be secure with having a home to come home to that doesn't change every six months to an year. If you are secure in not wanting them make sure your future wife wants the same thing. Good luck with your weight loss goals. Maybe you will gain confidence and attract an beautiful girl.0
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I've never been accepted or normal so i don't think losing weight is going to do much to help that. Oddly enough i didn't want kids, even getting fixed to make sure, and ended up becoming "dad" to the daughters of 2 very close friends who live with my girlfriend. As long as they all accept me that's all that matters.0
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Hi,
I'm just writing to vent, so sorry if this comes off as a bit of a rant, but I'm 40 this year and feel such pressure to 'succeed' by my peers and society-at-large standards. Pathetic huh? But nearly all my friends I grew up with now have a mortgage, great job, wife and kids, most of them seem real happy and content too. I'm overweight, underemployed, single and childless, mortgage-less and out of ideas. I finally decided to take myself in hand and get fit/healthy at the start of this new year because 40 has always been a massive deal for me. I've made a checklist of things I want to achieve by my 40th in October and one of them is to have lost 40 pounds. It's March and I've lost around 22-28 pounds (depending which time of day I weigh myself lol) but I can't help feeling I'm doing all this just to feel accepted and loveable and when I get to my goal weight I'll just realise that it makes no difference to the 'real' me - I'll still be facing all the same life issues I did when I was 40 pounds overweight.
I don't want to have kids - for many reasons - some valid, some just based on fear and selfishness, I used to have a well paid stressful job and a mortgage which sent me slowly insane. These past few years have been tough and I let myself go. I'm now trying to get back on track, but I fear I haven't really learned anything from the experience and am just kidding myself that if I lose weight I'll suddenly become loveable and achieve all the things society tells me I should be - even though I had it and hated it. But all my friends - in real life and on Facebook - especially female - seem to think if you haven't had kids by 40 then your life is meaningless and you're just kidding yourself (even though they always seem to ***** about what 'hard work it is looking after kids', spending their days meeting up with other mothers and drinking coffee, living off their hubby's credit card whilst he works himself into the grave).
I guess I'm just a confused little bloke really. lol. OK, rant over. thanks for listening. I feel better having got it all out now, so back to the cabbage soup and self-denial
Not everyone lives life the same way and not everyone has their life figured out by the time they are 40. Just because your friends have a wife, a mortgage, and a great job doesn't mean you have to have those things. Hell, I'm not "normal." I don't want to have my own children… I want to adopt… a child with Down Syndrome. That's not the norm AT ALL.
Once you accept that you don't want to live the way others choose to live, you will be a lot happier and satisfied with your own life.
What matters is that you have taken a step in the right direction in terms of your health and overall well-being. Having goals is everything! Like Albert Einstein said, "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects."
If you aren't happy with your current job, maybe consider going back to school for something that does spark your interest. If there's one thing I believe the most it's that loving your job is SO important and critical. Who cares whether you're making 6 figures or not. It's all about happiness and loving what you do. Think about your interests and hobbies and go from there.0 -
Hey M,
I don't want kids either. I don't want a mortgage, and heck, I don't want a career either! I want a life of doing what I enjoy and helping people that I love.
I have a bf, neither of us "believe" in traditional marriage as it is rooted in religion and neither of us are, and we both see our friends on Facebook getting engaged and taking obnoxious pictures of the $5,000 diamond rings they bought with their life savings.
I'm 31, by the way. I hope you can learn to love yourself and your beliefs for what they are, because even at 40 lbs overweight you ARE lovable. My bf met me at 45 lbs overweight, and he still went for it. He totally supports me getting healthy, but he loves me for the intelligent caring understanding human being that I am, and because we think the same about life and society.
Maybe in your circle of friends they think if you don't have mortgage and kids by 40 you're doomed, but that's not a universal belief. There are PLENTY of us out there that reject these things and are happier because of it! You'll find someone that thinks just like you!
So, yes you should get to a healthy weight, just so you're a healthy person, but in the process learn to love what makes you happy - your thoughts, your beliefs. Embrace them, make them your own, and transform yourself physically and emotionally into a stronger person. I truly believe that if you believe you're more lovable, you will be. It's really all in your head.
And, for the people who may put you down for rejecting the "normal" road in life, their beliefs are all in their head too. Don't forget that!
E
thank you. I agree but maybe you are drawing some of your strength from having met someone who shares your world view? Would you still feel the same way tomorrow without him? Maybe you would, I'm not judging you, but I've never met that 'other half' or 'significant other' yet so feel alone in my choices. x
No. I am 31. I didn't meet my boyfriend until before my 30th birthday. I had a decade of being a single woman in a man's world, with all of the pressures to get married and start a family, and I resisted. I am so glad that I had the mental fortitude to resist, because it truly is not what I want.
I had this strength from within way before I met my boyfriend, and the fact that we've both lived separate lives holding our strong beliefs is what's really important.0 -
Hi,
I'm just writing to vent, so sorry if this comes off as a bit of a rant, but I'm 40 this year and feel such pressure to 'succeed' by my peers and society-at-large standards. Pathetic huh? But nearly all my friends I grew up with now have a mortgage, great job, wife and kids, most of them seem real happy and content too. I'm overweight, underemployed, single and childless, mortgage-less and out of ideas. I finally decided to take myself in hand and get fit/healthy at the start of this new year because 40 has always been a massive deal for me. I've made a checklist of things I want to achieve by my 40th in October and one of them is to have lost 40 pounds. It's March and I've lost around 22-28 pounds (depending which time of day I weigh myself lol) but I can't help feeling I'm doing all this just to feel accepted and loveable and when I get to my goal weight I'll just realise that it makes no difference to the 'real' me - I'll still be facing all the same life issues I did when I was 40 pounds overweight.
I don't want to have kids - for many reasons - some valid, some just based on fear and selfishness, I used to have a well paid stressful job and a mortgage which sent me slowly insane. These past few years have been tough and I let myself go. I'm now trying to get back on track, but I fear I haven't really learned anything from the experience and am just kidding myself that if I lose weight I'll suddenly become loveable and achieve all the things society tells me I should be - even though I had it and hated it. But all my friends - in real life and on Facebook - especially female - seem to think if you haven't had kids by 40 then your life is meaningless and you're just kidding yourself (even though they always seem to ***** about what 'hard work it is looking after kids', spending their days meeting up with other mothers and drinking coffee, living off their hubby's credit card whilst he works himself into the grave).
I guess I'm just a confused little bloke really. lol. OK, rant over. thanks for listening. I feel better having got it all out now, so back to the cabbage soup and self-denial
Well I guess we all have our reasons and many to look 'normal' but here is what you will have when you turn 40 by doing all this, you will have a healthy body and a happy heart! That right there is more important than anything. So you actually will have achieved more than many ever do... priceless! (trust me they will envy you in a few short years for being healthy!)
So the job, well if you like what you are doing now then stick with it, if YOU feel like YOU are failing YOU then do something about it, but do it for you! If you want a house or condo then buy one again, if not then don't... those are really simple things you are almost 40 and you have picked your own roads thus far, keep doing it!
OK now kids, well if you do not want them do not have them, pretty basic. Many will not understand but that's ok too because those who matter will accept you for you. If you want a relationship, well now days there are woman who just don't want kids either or have all the kids they plan to have, so if you don't mind step-type children those work, if you don't like kids around at all then only look for someone who feels the same. your friends who have kids, just be the nice 'uncle' and if you are cool with that roll and happy for your friends with their rolls then it should be OK.
Most likely this all sounds crazy but bottom line is - this is your life and you need to live it the way that fits YOU... and whoever you are to be with will fit with you, if you have to change for them then they aren't the right one for you.0
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