The Weightloss Journey I wish I had never started
biscuitbinger
Posts: 2 Member
This is the first time I've ever sone something like this before, so forgive me, if it's not quite right. Some background info- I'm 20, 5 ft tall, I had tried half heartedly whilst at school to lose weight but usually gave up or got distracted by something else, I'm quite shy and always felt embarassed by my body so I never did sports past the age of 12 and generally always over ate on the usual fried and sweet foods as i got older this turned to just sweet foods.
My journey started at the end of 2012, I had spent most of this year feeling depressed as there had been some unpleasant changes in my life and during this time my mum got a boyfriend, she started to go to his house a lot, sometimes she would stay over and return with bread, cakes and biscuits from his work as he used to deliver them to supermarkets (he doesn't work there anymore). They started going out frequently and going on holidays together, so I felt lonely/depressed/abandoned. I also felt jealous as I felt someone of my age should have friend, a boyfriend and be going out partying every weekend not waiting to die. One day, fed-up of feeling fed-up I decided there was one thing I could do to make myself feel better so I decided once and for all to lose weight- this was big as I never commit to anything for any purposeful amount of time.
After a slow start and after doing some research I managed to get to 118 pounds by april 2013 and within sight of my goal of weighing 105 for the summer/my birthday, it was hard graft as you all will know but, I knew that telling myself to never eat shop cakes and biscuits again was unrealistic, so I thought cutting back on these and my other favourite foods and eating my own fat/sugar regulated creations instead was fair however after slipping up a few times I sought the help of online articles about beating sugar craving/alternatives to sweet treats and I thought that tucking into weetabix or special K or other 'healthy cereals' instead of a homemade banana muffin or cake was a good idea (just one of many examples), soon the lifestyle change had turned into a weightloss regime. I would not allow myself to eat until after exercise, I cut back on all cheese part from cottage cheese (I love cheese), ate more legumes/beans and veggie based meals, cut out non water drinks , ate on a smaller plate, cut out/down on carbs like rice, pasta, potatoes, breads, meticulously counting calories, trying to create sugarless and fatless cakes- some of these things I only did as I lost more weight. The house was full of cakes as I wasn't eating the same volume of food before and while I had some of them frequently, they did no damage(if only I knew this at the time)
Then I made a huge mistake- I can't remember what my logic was but I had read stories of plateaus and weight regain i didn't think my lifestyle change was too drastic, after seeing 118 a couple of times on the scale and growing frustrated I decided to eat more of the supermaket foods I don't know if this was as a treat or to make myself feel better or what the reasoning was but that the moment changed everything.
I hovered at 118-121 for about a month but I couldn't fight the weight gain, the binges grew more frequent and intense to the point where I accepted them as a part of life. If I took a bite of something i would throw it in the bin then later I would come back for it, i started to consume entire cakes, giant cookies, entire batches of cookies, entire packets of sugary treats that i didn't even like and tray bakes- these were things that i never did before, I was known to have chocoate or biscuits sitting in my room for months before I remembered them, sometimes I had to be asked to finish them or take them back downstairs as having them in my room annoyed my mum and now they weren't even lasting a day. I started to get very upset whenever i had a bad day and would punch/throw things, I would cry a lot, there were some periods when i was crying daily, my mum became upset as i was covered in bruises from hitting myself, i became very irate, i was either angry or crying, the only thing i was wanted was to weight 105 pounds for my birthday as it became apparent that this wouldn't happen I lost motivation in the end I weighed 125 pounds and took a week off from dieting before restarting but it was to no avail. The lack of success and a few reality checks led to me taking a few too many sleeping tablets (i still can't work out what i did wrong, I think i needed stronger sleeping tablets and more alcohol but I don't handle alcohol very well), this derailed me quite badly for a while and I stopped exercising .
I went on an all inclusive holiday for 3 weeks later that year and I managed to lose a pound a week, I could have lost more but after avoiding sweet drinks/alcohol/desserts/sweet breakfasts for the first 6 days I caved in and had a couple of decadent dark chocolate rum truffles, I started binge eating during the second and third weeks on sachets of sugar/coffee creamer in my room (which i don't like) - my mum had to tell the maid to stop replacing the sugars/creamer at one point.. I regained the 3 pounds I lost and more on my return with cravings for fatty/sugary carribean foods as well as the usual cakes/biscuits.
Somehow I only managed to be as heavy as 138 but my motivation is nothing now compared to then, I have become obssessed with food and have further ruined my life (at least until I get more clued up on how to kill myself, hanging and wrist cutting isn't my thing). This weightloss regime has ruined me, all I think about is food, all my decisions are based around food, all I can talk about is food, food is my life, I used to be able to motivate myself to read books or learn new things but I can't do that anymore, nothing not even family is as important to me as food. As I never learn I continue to amuse myself my telling myself I only have to lose 10 pounds and the other 10 will come off 'when I go back to college' - I know I am going to gain 10 pounds if i ever go to college again(story for another time) but even if I magically went back, my focus would be on food not study, the same is true if I magically end up in a relationship if they don't eat the way I want them too, it won't work. I told myself last year that when my mum's bf leaves his work then the weight will 'fall' off because my source of sugary foods would have been cut off- not the case as I gained weight.
So the damage has a year of dieting done, I now eat entire bags/jars of ;sugar, dried fruit, nuts, honey, nutella, maple syrup, agave syrup, jam, hot chocolate powder, tins of baked beans, tins of condensed milk/caramel,
multiple pots of yoghurts, multiple packets of biscuits, several whole cakes, half a tub of ice cream, at least 3 or 4 portions of every type of cereal in the house at a time, half a block of cheese, or half tub of cream cheese,
i could eat several sweet potatoes, i even eat starchy carribean staples like pumpkin, breadfruit, plantain which I never liked before. I could eat several bananas in a day and before I started dieting I didn't even eat bananans. - I could eat all of this at one 'meal' yeat alone the traditional 3 yet alone 6 small meals that some people swear by. I no longer know how to eat a normal meal- normal to me is to eat everything in sight until I get bored/feel sick/nothing left to watch on tv.
I can't remember the last time I felt full and satisfied, I used to be upset when mum left the house but now I can't wait for her to leave because then I can stuff myself full of food. I have to try and starve myself to slow down the rate of weight gain but I love food so much that I can't go a day without eating and I usually wake up with no energy to exercise and feel crap and when i do, so I over eat and then i have to starve myself again yet whilst I am not dieting I am still in diet mode- so I can't tell myself stop dieting and expect to go back to being 133 pounds and not caring, exercising will become difficult as I know without diet I can't see any results so i am bound to end up weighing more than when i started. So here I am along with as suspect many others stuck in this vicious circle for the rest of my life as I try to fix this mess.
What really bugs me is that in hindsight the reason I gained weight was because I stopped going to college and going outside-I had daily walks during lunch because i had no friends or i would sometimes walk home for lunch (time permitting) and that was about a 40 minute walk so maybe just not getting that 1-2 hour walking 5 times a week did it rather than just overeating, I think the changes I needed to make were very subtle and I would have been able to succeed and have that positive feeling that I needed about my life, instead I now know I am even more of a disgusting human being than I thougt I was. What makes it worse is that I'm starting to think I lost weight without noticing when i was at college as I have always been a size 12/14 jeans wise throughout my teens but was able to fit into a size 10 nicely, now with this strange relationship I have with food I could easily end up being 50 or more pounds overweight rather than the 7-15 i was before- (positives at least I will die quicker.)
So why am I here?
At the moment I am trying to maintain/lose 2 or more pounds a month whilst I try to re educate myself on how to eat properly- I have lost 7 pounds this year but this week has been really bad considered there are no supermarket cakes/biscuits in the house anymore. After numerous failures to log my food using the good old pen and paper, I decided to join so that I could see the daily damage without having to step on the scale however, I am not a social creature and the only reason why I am posting here is as a punishment for binging again so that everyone here and can see what a disgusting piece of crap I am and ridicule me.
So, thank you for reading this essay or pretending to read it.
Seriously if you read it, you deserve a medal.
My journey started at the end of 2012, I had spent most of this year feeling depressed as there had been some unpleasant changes in my life and during this time my mum got a boyfriend, she started to go to his house a lot, sometimes she would stay over and return with bread, cakes and biscuits from his work as he used to deliver them to supermarkets (he doesn't work there anymore). They started going out frequently and going on holidays together, so I felt lonely/depressed/abandoned. I also felt jealous as I felt someone of my age should have friend, a boyfriend and be going out partying every weekend not waiting to die. One day, fed-up of feeling fed-up I decided there was one thing I could do to make myself feel better so I decided once and for all to lose weight- this was big as I never commit to anything for any purposeful amount of time.
After a slow start and after doing some research I managed to get to 118 pounds by april 2013 and within sight of my goal of weighing 105 for the summer/my birthday, it was hard graft as you all will know but, I knew that telling myself to never eat shop cakes and biscuits again was unrealistic, so I thought cutting back on these and my other favourite foods and eating my own fat/sugar regulated creations instead was fair however after slipping up a few times I sought the help of online articles about beating sugar craving/alternatives to sweet treats and I thought that tucking into weetabix or special K or other 'healthy cereals' instead of a homemade banana muffin or cake was a good idea (just one of many examples), soon the lifestyle change had turned into a weightloss regime. I would not allow myself to eat until after exercise, I cut back on all cheese part from cottage cheese (I love cheese), ate more legumes/beans and veggie based meals, cut out non water drinks , ate on a smaller plate, cut out/down on carbs like rice, pasta, potatoes, breads, meticulously counting calories, trying to create sugarless and fatless cakes- some of these things I only did as I lost more weight. The house was full of cakes as I wasn't eating the same volume of food before and while I had some of them frequently, they did no damage(if only I knew this at the time)
Then I made a huge mistake- I can't remember what my logic was but I had read stories of plateaus and weight regain i didn't think my lifestyle change was too drastic, after seeing 118 a couple of times on the scale and growing frustrated I decided to eat more of the supermaket foods I don't know if this was as a treat or to make myself feel better or what the reasoning was but that the moment changed everything.
I hovered at 118-121 for about a month but I couldn't fight the weight gain, the binges grew more frequent and intense to the point where I accepted them as a part of life. If I took a bite of something i would throw it in the bin then later I would come back for it, i started to consume entire cakes, giant cookies, entire batches of cookies, entire packets of sugary treats that i didn't even like and tray bakes- these were things that i never did before, I was known to have chocoate or biscuits sitting in my room for months before I remembered them, sometimes I had to be asked to finish them or take them back downstairs as having them in my room annoyed my mum and now they weren't even lasting a day. I started to get very upset whenever i had a bad day and would punch/throw things, I would cry a lot, there were some periods when i was crying daily, my mum became upset as i was covered in bruises from hitting myself, i became very irate, i was either angry or crying, the only thing i was wanted was to weight 105 pounds for my birthday as it became apparent that this wouldn't happen I lost motivation in the end I weighed 125 pounds and took a week off from dieting before restarting but it was to no avail. The lack of success and a few reality checks led to me taking a few too many sleeping tablets (i still can't work out what i did wrong, I think i needed stronger sleeping tablets and more alcohol but I don't handle alcohol very well), this derailed me quite badly for a while and I stopped exercising .
I went on an all inclusive holiday for 3 weeks later that year and I managed to lose a pound a week, I could have lost more but after avoiding sweet drinks/alcohol/desserts/sweet breakfasts for the first 6 days I caved in and had a couple of decadent dark chocolate rum truffles, I started binge eating during the second and third weeks on sachets of sugar/coffee creamer in my room (which i don't like) - my mum had to tell the maid to stop replacing the sugars/creamer at one point.. I regained the 3 pounds I lost and more on my return with cravings for fatty/sugary carribean foods as well as the usual cakes/biscuits.
Somehow I only managed to be as heavy as 138 but my motivation is nothing now compared to then, I have become obssessed with food and have further ruined my life (at least until I get more clued up on how to kill myself, hanging and wrist cutting isn't my thing). This weightloss regime has ruined me, all I think about is food, all my decisions are based around food, all I can talk about is food, food is my life, I used to be able to motivate myself to read books or learn new things but I can't do that anymore, nothing not even family is as important to me as food. As I never learn I continue to amuse myself my telling myself I only have to lose 10 pounds and the other 10 will come off 'when I go back to college' - I know I am going to gain 10 pounds if i ever go to college again(story for another time) but even if I magically went back, my focus would be on food not study, the same is true if I magically end up in a relationship if they don't eat the way I want them too, it won't work. I told myself last year that when my mum's bf leaves his work then the weight will 'fall' off because my source of sugary foods would have been cut off- not the case as I gained weight.
So the damage has a year of dieting done, I now eat entire bags/jars of ;sugar, dried fruit, nuts, honey, nutella, maple syrup, agave syrup, jam, hot chocolate powder, tins of baked beans, tins of condensed milk/caramel,
multiple pots of yoghurts, multiple packets of biscuits, several whole cakes, half a tub of ice cream, at least 3 or 4 portions of every type of cereal in the house at a time, half a block of cheese, or half tub of cream cheese,
i could eat several sweet potatoes, i even eat starchy carribean staples like pumpkin, breadfruit, plantain which I never liked before. I could eat several bananas in a day and before I started dieting I didn't even eat bananans. - I could eat all of this at one 'meal' yeat alone the traditional 3 yet alone 6 small meals that some people swear by. I no longer know how to eat a normal meal- normal to me is to eat everything in sight until I get bored/feel sick/nothing left to watch on tv.
I can't remember the last time I felt full and satisfied, I used to be upset when mum left the house but now I can't wait for her to leave because then I can stuff myself full of food. I have to try and starve myself to slow down the rate of weight gain but I love food so much that I can't go a day without eating and I usually wake up with no energy to exercise and feel crap and when i do, so I over eat and then i have to starve myself again yet whilst I am not dieting I am still in diet mode- so I can't tell myself stop dieting and expect to go back to being 133 pounds and not caring, exercising will become difficult as I know without diet I can't see any results so i am bound to end up weighing more than when i started. So here I am along with as suspect many others stuck in this vicious circle for the rest of my life as I try to fix this mess.
What really bugs me is that in hindsight the reason I gained weight was because I stopped going to college and going outside-I had daily walks during lunch because i had no friends or i would sometimes walk home for lunch (time permitting) and that was about a 40 minute walk so maybe just not getting that 1-2 hour walking 5 times a week did it rather than just overeating, I think the changes I needed to make were very subtle and I would have been able to succeed and have that positive feeling that I needed about my life, instead I now know I am even more of a disgusting human being than I thougt I was. What makes it worse is that I'm starting to think I lost weight without noticing when i was at college as I have always been a size 12/14 jeans wise throughout my teens but was able to fit into a size 10 nicely, now with this strange relationship I have with food I could easily end up being 50 or more pounds overweight rather than the 7-15 i was before- (positives at least I will die quicker.)
So why am I here?
At the moment I am trying to maintain/lose 2 or more pounds a month whilst I try to re educate myself on how to eat properly- I have lost 7 pounds this year but this week has been really bad considered there are no supermarket cakes/biscuits in the house anymore. After numerous failures to log my food using the good old pen and paper, I decided to join so that I could see the daily damage without having to step on the scale however, I am not a social creature and the only reason why I am posting here is as a punishment for binging again so that everyone here and can see what a disgusting piece of crap I am and ridicule me.
So, thank you for reading this essay or pretending to read it.
Seriously if you read it, you deserve a medal.
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Replies
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I read it. You are going through a serious problem here my lovely. No one is going to ridicule you, and you are not a piece of crap. No one could be meaner to you than you are to yourself.
I really feel for you and wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all better. Have you sought help? Suicidal thoughts go hand in hand with depression usually...I think you need a doctor sweetheart, not a forum...but I'm sure it took guts to post. This is the first baby step...you got it all out in the open.0 -
Somebody earlier on MFP said it's about progress, not perfection. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Better days ahead!!0
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Set your goal no higher than 1 lb. per week, and be patient. Read this: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants
Eating well and exercising is a very important part of self-care. Be good to yourself.0 -
You've got a hell of a story love. It sounds like you know what you want. You just have to get it. While your story and life is intense me personally I would kill to be in your shoes. My journey started when I was 420 pounds and cost me my future wife. It cost me the children that we planned on creating. My problem was.....I waited too long. Im now trying to fix what she always wanted me to try and fix. Im in my 30's now trying to undo a lifetime of bad habits. Its not easy. It was never meant to be easy but we have to grind at it each and every single day. Why do you want this? You should print this letter out and make it a point to read this every time you feel like you are getting ready to fall off the wagon. It took an enormous amount of guts for you to write this. Feel free to add me on here. Im sure we could exchange some storys and I would love to help you with motivation and tips. You can make this change. I believe in you.0
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I'm very sorry about what you're going through, but as stated above-- nobody is going to be harder on you than you are.
I'll also echo what was stated above- it's very important that you seek out some kind of mental health professional to help you through this. A lot of what you're describing could very easily be attributed to depression or other issues, and there is hope. If you're already seeing someone and are still experiencing these kind of intense difficulties, It may be time to re-evaluate their plan and seek help elsewhere.
There are loads of people here on the forums who would be more than happy to encourage you in your health goals, but your mental health is paramount!0 -
You are in pain sweetheart and you need help now. I am a clinician and I suspect you are seriously depressed and the food issues are just a symptom. You are young, and you have not yet developed the coping skills for everything you will deal with certain things in life just yet. This is common at your age and completely treatable. Print this post and take to a medical doctor, nurse practitioner or counsellor and do it as soon as possible. Consider doing depression questionnaire online and printing the result to bring with you. Book an appointment and do it quickly, preferably tomorrow. You can and you will be able to get control of your eating, you may need a support group like weight watchers to help you. Or a nutrition consult. At 138 pounds you are a bit heavy for your height but losing that is doable if done in the right way. Please seek some medical help asap! Your life is not ruined, you can gain control and you can succeed. Your journey needs to be about mind-body-spirit. About becoming healthy and learning to love yourself rather than about losing weight. You are feeling alone and out of control. This site can help some but I truly believe you need medical guidance as well and I urge you to seek it. I am very worried about your well being. Let us know if you follow through.0
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You don't really want weight loss, you want CONTROL of something in your life. You have turned to weight loss because you feel it is something you can control, but then you sabotage yourself because you like to feel like a failure. You feel abandoned, weird, unsuccessful and frustrated about life but what you don't realize is everyone feels like that. It's not just you.
The only way to move past this is to stop trying to control everything including your weight. If you get some kind of gratification from failing then try to fail at BIG things in life. Fail at going after your dream job Try to fail at asking out the hottest guy you see.Fail at starting a movement to help other girls like you. Give it your best shot and be willing to fail. Fail at something every day until you can laugh at it.
Life is not that serious. You're not the only weird one. Nothing is that important. You make life what you want it to be. We don't feel sorry for you. You are choosing this for yourself.0 -
I second the other posts. Seek therapy as soon as you can. You shouldn't be 'dieting' or trying to lose weight til you've worked through some of your issues. Good luck
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I did read it, sad. I hope you will seek a nutritionist and a counselor. I don't say this to be mean but instead have had to see my own daughter go through similar issues. A nutritionist worked wonders for me however it does not seem to me that food is your real problem. It looks more like a obsessive compulsive disorder complicated by low self esteem. Not loosing weight is no reason to feel the way you do. Focus on the positives in your life and try to find appropriate help achieving your goals, it is within you to do so. Good luck.0
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I read it. I've lived parts of it (taking a bite or two, throwing it away, coming back to finish it - yep - done that!)
Please find a counselor trained to deal with ED issues. ED is a symptom of a much larger issue.
Edited to add this: It may not feel like it, but you've taken the first step and it's HUGE!. Believe it or not, acknowledging a problem like ED, depression, alcoholism, whatever, is the first, really, really HUGE step. It's the old, "evil hides in the darkness" argument. I know you say you wished you'd never started this journey but this may be one of the best things to ever happen to you. When you come out on the other side (and you will!) you will be a better, stronger person than you've ever imagined.
I wish you the best :flowerforyou:0 -
I read your post. All of it. You need to find someone supportive in real life, perhaps your doctor as a start, who you can talk to and who will help you.
Loneliness? Been there. Still there. Doubt I'll ever not be there. I've known since I was about 8 years old that I'll always be that lonely old woman, no husband, no kids, who never talks to anyone and sits in the corner alone at "events". However, I have accepted that this is the way my life will be. I'd rather not be alone, but accepting that I almost certainly will be helps. I wish I'd done more when I was at school, gotten involved in events and whatnot -- you're still young enough that you could do this, if you wanted. Please don't make the mistakes I did and miss the opportunities.
Need control of something? Again, I've been there. And losing weight was what I decided to control as well. I've also slipped and gained back about a third of what I originally lost... and want to lose it again. I'm also finding it difficult to get my willpower back, and have binging tendencies... although not as severe as you (food I've always disliked I still dislike, and won't eat).
All I'm really trying to say is... you're not alone with the struggles that you face. A lot of us have some of the same struggles. Please don't give up, and get the help that you need, from a professional.0 -
My dear... Please go seek help immediately...
I'm very concerned about your mental state right now and although you say you wrote this post because you want to punish yourself, you are reaching out to strangers.
I lost my brother to suicide when I was 18... He was a soldier and came back "mentally wounded" from war... He binged on alcohol rather than food to cope with his inability to cope with what was going on in his mind. The pain he suffered was tremendous, and the pain my family suffered afterwards was unbearable.
Depression is an illness, just like cancer and heart disease it needs to be treated. You are not alone. And you are loved. Seek help with your mind, and the weight loss will follow.
Are you from the UK? There are organizations around the globe who can help you. Please take one step further to reach out to one who will help you recover from this.
http://www.rethink.org/get-involved/campaigns/find-mike0 -
Thank you everybody for taking your time to reply, it really means a lot to me, you have all been so nice and supportive I didn't expect this but I really don't deserve such kindness.
Last year I was told by my GP that my eating habits were normal and that I wasn't overeating (I found this shocking) and I wasn't overweight enough to have binge eating disorder or to be referred to see a nutritionist (and this was at my heaviest), I found this confusing as if I'm not overeating then why am I overweight?
I am currently looking for a counsellor, I have been with two in that past 6 months very briefly through my GP but I struggled to talk about my issues as they were very focused to time and diagnosing within the first session. I felt they were rushing me and putting words in my mouth, it was really uncomfortable and very awkward it made me feel a lot worse, so I had to stop seeing the first one. The second one said she was not suitable for me after 2 sessions and said she would put me in contact with one of her colleagues but this was 2 months ago, so in the meantime I am looking for something affordable and private.0 -
I feel the same way with most of your post. I'm sorry that you are so plagued with this thought process. I started my journey out when I was 15. I had a horrible stomach illness and was sickly skinny and people noticed. I began a journey of weight loss equals acceptance. Now I am here. after 8 years of an eating disorder, including anorexia, binge eating, laxative addiction, and my last horrid venture into bulimia, and I just want to say, you're in the right place. Just take it day by day. That's what I've done and now I am 27 days no binging or purging. The more nourished you are the less you will binge. Find out what your trigger foods are, and make peace with them. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I know, but I'm here if you need any support. I am already proud of your steps, and remember to love yourself for who you are, and not a number you can or cant get to.
XOXO
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BTW: Don't let anyone say you're not in a certain category just because you aren't a certain weight. I say that in the nicest way I can with love, but for years, nutritionist said there was nothing wrong with me, that I didn't fall in the lines of an eating disorder, and I was purging just about everything I ate. I Go to Overeater anonymous meetings, and they help me to much. Just a thought. We don't need a title, to heal.0
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Read your post and feel for you as it brought back memories of what it was like to be young and impatient with myself. I believe you might benefit from a therapist, if you can find a suitable one, so that you gain some insight about forgiving yourself and understanding what your body really needs. Insofar as your binging, part of the answer might be to try to eat healthy, satiating foods rather than the sugar-y, fatty, sweet ones. Oftentimes these foods themselves trigger binging behavior. If you try eating clean, healthy, largely unprocessed food, you might find this will satisfy your body nutritionally and settle down your "appetite". This may involve controlling your environment so that you don't have cakes, cookies, etc. easily available. Try keeping bowls of fruit on the kitchen counter instead. I know you can get a handle on your life, and you are well worth it.0
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No one here will be anything but supportive. You've already beat your self up pretty much better than anyone could.0
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You don't really want weight loss, you want CONTROL of something in your life. You have turned to weight loss because you feel it is something you can control, but then you sabotage yourself because you like to feel like a failure. You feel abandoned, weird, unsuccessful and frustrated about life but what you don't realize is everyone feels like that. It's not just you.
The only way to move past this is to stop trying to control everything including your weight. If you get some kind of gratification from failing then try to fail at BIG things in life. Fail at going after your dream job Try to fail at asking out the hottest guy you see.Fail at starting a movement to help other girls like you. Give it your best shot and be willing to fail. Fail at something every day until you can laugh at it.
Life is not that serious. You're not the only weird one. Nothing is that important. You make life what you want it to be. We don't feel sorry for you. You are choosing this for yourself.
I don't think anyone chooses depression, OCD, or any other mental health issue. Just get profesional help OP. The majority of us on here really do care about each other and so we care about you. I wish you every happiness and hope you are able to get the support you need.0 -
You're taking all the right steps. You'll get through this. You'll be ok.0
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Why would anyone ridicule you or be disgusted by you? We have all been in varying degrees of the exact same thing. I think everyone else covered what i would have said.0
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I think you have eating disorder because of the emotional baggage you carry about your family and your teenage years. If you truly want change than it has to begin by learning to like yourself. Find positive things you like about yourself. Your smile, your hair whatever but being positive will put you in a better mood. You need a life that you like and enjoy. Stop worrying about what your mom does and focus on making new friends that will care and support you. Girl-You need a counselor. I'm worried about you and have parent issues myself. My dad left my brother and I at 9 yrs old and I have a wicked step dad. I finally realized that I was giving them to much focus and blaming them for my choices. You can make your choices to free yourself from this pain and get help. Everyone on this site will support you and I am here if you want to message me. I can help you find a counselor to talk with because you are special even if you don't see it. God has a plan for you and I bet you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You need a break and food is not going to make you feel better in the long run, I know because I'm a food addict and if you can't let food become your everything. I'm praying for you to have strength and feel love back in your heart.
Nina0 -
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Thank you everybody for taking your time to reply, it really means a lot to me, you have all been so nice and supportive I didn't expect this but I really don't deserve such kindness.
Last year I was told by my GP that my eating habits were normal and that I wasn't overeating (I found this shocking) and I wasn't overweight enough to have binge eating disorder or to be referred to see a nutritionist (and this was at my heaviest), I found this confusing as if I'm not overeating then why am I overweight?
I am currently looking for a counsellor, I have been with two in that past 6 months very briefly through my GP but I struggled to talk about my issues as they were very focused to time and diagnosing within the first session. I felt they were rushing me and putting words in my mouth, it was really uncomfortable and very awkward it made me feel a lot worse, so I had to stop seeing the first one. The second one said she was not suitable for me after 2 sessions and said she would put me in contact with one of her colleagues but this was 2 months ago, so in the meantime I am looking for something affordable and private.
Good for you! Yes do try for another counsellor. You need to see someone who gets you and can really help. Power to you! You are worth the best.0 -
I've been there, with both the college thing and turning to food for comfort. It probably seems like a mountain that you're trying to chip away with nothing but a toothbrush, but it's not insurmountable. Get somebody professional to help you and you'll definitely be able to fight this off.0
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I want my medal!!!
But really, I thought of several things while reading your book. 1. Holy crap, I have never even met anyone that took a three-week vacation. 2. I can totally relate to feeling abandoned by parent(s) 3. I also place food way too high on my list of things that are important to me. 4. I wish I could help in some way. So if you need another MFP friend, maybe one who's not too quick to respond, sucks at being motivational, is fairly anti-social and very crude, I'm here.0
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