Help! Need to help motivate the unmotivatable!

pollypocket3
pollypocket3 Posts: 51 Member
in Motivation and Support
I re-started my weight loss about two months ago and am on the right track. I'm watching what I'm eating and I have even bought a food scale to measure out food to make sure I'm leaving nothing to be unsure about. I've inspired my mother to try.. again... :grumble:

Guess who she asked to help keep her motivated and on the right track... :frown:

That should be a good thing, right? I wish it was...

My mother lives with me currently and has battled with her weight most of her adult life. She has a bad knee (torn meniscus that she had surgery on about two years ago) and uses that - I feel - as an excuse not to work out. Because "it hurts". (What do you think happened when I started getting off my behind - I got uncomfortable and no doubt I woke up hurting!) I don't doubt it does hurt, but I know their are other things she can do that are less strenuous on her knee. She has also had the gastric bypass surgery about six years ago and has basically used it as her means of losing weight... which isn't why people should be having it.

While I agree with the saying that a lot of people say that weight loss starts in the kitchen, she is hardly doing that. Take for instance today's dinner. We made chicken quesadilla's with left over chicken we had in the fridge and while I measured out my cut up chicken she just threw her meal together and took what I said my meal was calorie-wise. After we eat, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up the table and she comes in and says "I'm still hungry, I think I'm going to have ice cream."

I politely say, try drinking some water first - thinking her brain needs to catch up with her stomach - and she replies "It's only 100 calories!" Knowing she set herself a goal to reach by her birthday next year, I close the freezer while she's trying to open it and repeat myself nicely.

"But I have a sweet tooth!" she says.. trying to open the freezer and yes getting frustrated with me.

I can't promise I didn't roll my eyes as I walked away, but if I didn't actually do it, I was sure doing it mentally. She ate the ice cream ("It's only 100 calories!").

She asked me in the beginning to keep her motivated - but all it does it irritate me to the point where we argue half the time (please take note she moved in with me in a two bedroom condo and we work at the same company and sit two rows from each other - I cannot get away).

Would I be a bad person to just stop helping her try and obtain her goals? Am I doing something wrong? Saying something wrong? I feel like I've tried about everything besides being downright cruel and I'm not up for that.

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

Replies

  • Guinivere
    Guinivere Posts: 357 Member
    I had this same problem with a friend of mine who said she needed my help but lied, complained about injuries being worse than they were, gave in to every temptation with an excuse. She promised every day for months to "really do something about this now".

    It sapped all of my energies. In order to stay friends I had to tell her not to ask me for help anymore as I'm obviously not the right person to inspire her. She needs to find inner strength (like you did and I did) or a different friend that she actually respects.

    You can lead a horse to water..... But you can't MAKE it drink....

    Good luck
  • FP4HSharon
    FP4HSharon Posts: 664 Member
    It's time to speak the truth to her...in love. Tell her that you're really honored that she's asked you for help, but that whenever you've tried to help her, she won't listen to you, & maybe it's because you're her daughter & she'll always look at you as a child. Give her examples, like you gave us, but not in an accusing tone, but sad. Suggest to her that she hire a trainer, or if you're in a position to do it, hire one for her. But that you love her too much to agree to do it & jeopardize your relationship. Be firm. If she won't admit she's done it, then definitely do NOT do it again, stand your ground. If she admits what she's done in the past & says she won't do it this time, tell her you'll give it another shot, but if she does it again, then no more AND STICK TO THAT. No "one more time & I'm out of here," just stop. I'm the co-leader of a weight loss group & one thing I've learned is you can encourage & give someone all they need to succeed, but if they won't commit to doing it themselves, then no one can change them. Just time to pray that something will happen to motivate them to change. You might also try telling her how much you love her & how sad it makes you that her health choices might take her away from you too soon.
  • Skrib69
    Skrib69 Posts: 687 Member
    Hmmm, that's a toughie. Do you know how many calories she is trying to stick to per day??? If you know this, then you can use the line of getting her to stay in her targets - "It may only be 100 calories if you measure it out right, but that only leaves XXX calories for lunch and dinner" or "Are you sure you have enough calories left for that??"

    Whilst I can see what you are saying with your thought on have a glass of water, it may well be too direct an approach - particularly closing the freezer door! She is your Mum after all and I get annoyed with my kids when they try to tell me what to do.

    Personally, I think this is a case of "you can take the horse to water but......." How do you think she would react if you let her make the mistakes after you have explained them.? That way she learns more about nutrition and calorie dense foods that just wont fill you up, and you get to say that you told her so.

    She has clearly seen your success and wants a bit of that herself, but she has to learn (probably the hard way) that she has to change her habits to have the same success. I would just keep reminding her of the theory and hope that eventually she realises enough to listen to you.

    The last thing I would say is definitely easier said than done - don't let her annoy you! The last thing you want here is blazing rows that go no-where and solve nothing.

    Good luck!!
  • pollypocket3
    pollypocket3 Posts: 51 Member
    I appreciate the feedback so far. I will have to take a little bit of everyones advice - maybe it will be the right approach but I know for sure I will be making it clear that I will give it one more shot at helping her stay on track or she is on her own with it. I can't handle the stress it's causing.

    Skri, I don't keep track of her calories - it's sometimes difficult enough for me to keep track of my own! I know she is sticking along the same lines as me - 1200 a day and 100 calories is a lot for something that will take up that much of your daily allowance if you're not exercising!


    She has clearly seen your success and wants a bit of that herself, but she has to learn (probably the hard way) that she has to change her habits to have the same success. I would just keep reminding her of the theory and hope that eventually she realises enough to listen to you.

    That's the kicker - she KNOWS she should be exercising. She's even said it out loud.
  • DaniettaF
    DaniettaF Posts: 212 Member
    This is hard, but I second what everyone has been saying.

    You could suggest yoga as a form of exercise, then it could let you both unwind,
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
    Helping with motivation and dietary suggestions is not the same as feeling personally responsible for someone else's success, and it sounds like you are leaning too far toward the latter. Help her when she asks for it, make suggestions (but don't nag) when you see repeated issues, but you're not her keeper and you don't need to get in to a fight about whether or not she can eat ice cream. Take a step back.
  • pollypocket3
    pollypocket3 Posts: 51 Member
    Helping with motivation and dietary suggestions is not the same as feeling personally responsible for someone else's success, and it sounds like you are leaning too far toward the latter. Help her when she asks for it, make suggestions (but don't nag) when you see repeated issues, but you're not her keeper and you don't need to get in to a fight about whether or not she can eat ice cream. Take a step back.

    Yeah the more I think about it the more I sound like that. I just want her to achieve this when she's going through a rough time as it is right now. It's not fun when you have to take a step back and move in with your 27 year old daughter.
  • Skrib69
    Skrib69 Posts: 687 Member
    Helping with motivation and dietary suggestions is not the same as feeling personally responsible for someone else's success, and it sounds like you are leaning too far toward the latter. Help her when she asks for it, make suggestions (but don't nag) when you see repeated issues, but you're not her keeper and you don't need to get in to a fight about whether or not she can eat ice cream. Take a step back.

    Yeah the more I think about it the more I sound like that. I just want her to achieve this when she's going through a rough time as it is right now. It's not fun when you have to take a step back and move in with your 27 year old daughter.

    I think you have hit just one of the proverbial nails in this situation. She has to do it for herself, not you and you certainly can't do it for her. If she is going through a rough time, patience from you could make this a welcome distraction for her. Eventually.! It sounds there is an awful lot going on at the moment!
  • MaryJane_8810002
    MaryJane_8810002 Posts: 2,082 Member
    She has to want it enough to do it for herself. She can't have you on as her personal trainer/nutritionist and daughter. It gets taxing, trust me.
  • pollypocket3
    pollypocket3 Posts: 51 Member
    She has to want it enough to do it for herself. She can't have you on as her personal trainer/nutritionist and daughter. It gets taxing, trust me.

    It is getting taxing, I'm seeing it now.

    Thanks again for all the advice everyone!
  • kutenk
    kutenk Posts: 1
    Do you know that most people can be motivated by one of these six needs: attainment, power, belonging, independence, respect, and equity??? We might think that person is 'unmotivable' because we have not explore deeper into those 6 Motivational Buttons. For the real 'unmotivable', here is my tips for dealing with them ==> Try introducing change into their routine. This strategy gave them a fresh outlook. Here is a nice articles for understanding The Art of Motivation ==> http://www.kutenk.com/2014/03/the-art-of-motivation/. Cheers,
  • SiriusInferius
    SiriusInferius Posts: 1
    I am very much the same way as your mother. Terrible at portion control, get bad cravings for sweets, don't like to drink water, etc...
    And I think it is great that you are supporting her through her dietary struggles.
    For the portion control I think that maybe, if you can, it might help her if you plated up the food rather than having her serve her own. I have my sister do that sometimes when I am feeling weak willed (she is an absolute saint)

    The one thing that I really take issue with in your post is the way you seem to belittle her knee pain. I know it may seem like she is overreacting, but then it is her body and pain affects us all differently. Sometimes even if pain is not severe the fact that it is constant and nagging can be as bad. Just try to be sympathetic about it. Maybe there just isn't much she can do to exercise right now without aggravating it.
    When she says it hurts too much too exercise, you should probably take her word for it. You might suggest some less strenuous exercise, but if she says it's too painful it's probably better not to push her.

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