Motherless Daughter

Cookie_4 · March 2014

So I know this is a pretty heavy topic to post onto a forum of "strangers" but the MFP community has helped me so much and I don't know where else to turn since most of my family and friends don't understand emotional eating.

I lost my mom at the age of 16 and today marks the 16th anniversary of her death. I have now lived more days without her than I have with her. I've talked to a therapist, journaled and confided in friends but every year, in order to bury my pain, I eat and eat and eat until the food dulls my senses. I gain the weight that it took me 3 months to lose in just a short amount of time. Although I know that gaining weight will only make me feel worse in the end, I can't stop. I've worked so hard this time around to eat enough and to exercise, I don't want it to go to waste.

I try to focus on my many other blessings and realize that it's not anyone's fault that she died, but I still feel so angry about it.

I'm not sure whether my question is on how to get over these emotions or how to stop eating away my sadness... Maybe both. My stomach is hurting yet I still want to continue to stuff my face. I'd appreciate any advice. All kind words are welcomed. :ohwell:

heikejacob4 · March 2014

First of all, my condolences. I hope my mom doesn't leave me for many years to come ... I didn't know your mom, obviously, but I would think she wouldn't want you to sabotage your progress. She would want the best for you, and the best thing for you is to be healthy and to not blame yourself for things that are out of your control.

My thoughts are with you today.

wonderwoman234 · March 2014

Learning acceptance will help. It is difficult and is a process, but it can be done.

It is good that you know that eating does not help. It isn't truly easing your pain....you ARE in pain while eating, right?

Is there a support group for motherless daughters you could join?

Hugs to you!

knra_grl · March 2014

I lost my mother young also - grief is a normal process but 16 years later you should not be angry or emotional eating because of this loss - I am sorry - I was 18 when my mother passed - it did take a couple years and at times when I remember her it still brings on tearful moments but I truly believe that perhaps you should see a grief counsellor to get past this. It has been a long time. Have fond memories of you mother - she would not want you to grieve this long :flowerforyou:

craftywitch_63 · March 2014

So I know this is a pretty heavy topic to post onto a forum of "strangers" but the MFP community has helped me so much and I don't know where else to turn since most of my family and friends don't understand emotional eating.

I lost my mom at the age of 16 and today marks the 16th anniversary of her death. I have now lived more days without her than I have with her. I've talked to a therapist, journaled and confided in friends but every year, in order to bury my pain, I eat and eat and eat until the food dulls my senses. I gain the weight that it took me 3 months to lose in just a short amount of time. Although I know that gaining weight will only make me feel worse in the end, I can't stop. I've worked so hard this time around to eat enough and to exercise, I don't want it to go to waste.

I try to focus on my many other blessings and realize that it's not anyone's fault that she died, but I still feel so angry about it.

I'm not sure whether my question is on how to get over these emotions or how to stop eating away my sadness... Maybe both. My stomach is hurting yet I still want to continue to stuff my face. I'd appreciate any advice. All kind words are welcomed. :ohwell:

I'm so very sorry for you. I can empathize, I lost my mother 37 days after my 16th birthday. I'm now 50.

I wish I could tell you that it doesn't hurt but there is nothing that can heal the pain. Time dulls the pain. I wish I had magic words to make the whole thing go away. Grief counseling or (as lula suggested) a grief support group may help. Hospices have Medicare-required free grief support groups (if you're in the US). They're usually led by a social worker or chaplain, usually with grief support training. Call a local hospice and request information.

I wish I had better advice for the ED but I struggle with that one (every minute of every day!) myself. Perhaps learning to deal with the grief will help you deal with the ED.

I wish you the best!!:flowerforyou:

Cookie_4 · March 2014

Learning acceptance will help. It is difficult and is a process, but it can be done.

It is good that you know that eating does not help. It isn't truly easing your pain....you ARE in pain while eating, right?

Is there a support group for motherless daughters you could join?

Hugs to you!

Thank you for your kind words. While I am eating it makes me forget/space out for that time, but as soon as it's over, I'm right back to that sad spot I was before, just now with a tummy ache. There is a book and a support group called Motherless Daughters which I read and joined years ago. It helped a little, therapy helped a lot, but I still hang on and can't seem to learn how to cope.

hill8570 · March 2014

I gotta wonder about the competence of your therapist, although some issues take longer to work through than others.

Sorry, but you gotta get to the bottom of why, after 16 years, you're still "angry" and "burying the pain". My utterly-non-professional opinion is that you've developed a habit / thought pattern / dysfunctional coping mechanism that will require a skilled professional therapist to really help you break. A sixteen-year-old habit is not going to change easily, but you owe it to yourself and to those in your life to whom you are important to get to the root of your feelings and come up with a more appropriate coping mechanism.

Hope this helps, if only a little bit.

tljokinen · March 2014

I agree that you are stuck and need to change the picture in your head. Sometimes you need to shop around for a therapist who gets you. My biological mom is living but has never supported me in any way. I find others can very well fill that empty space. Do you have trouble trusting other people with you private thoughts? Change is difficult but I believe you can find peace.

33Freya · March 2014

Sorry for your loss Hun. Try to replace your binging with exercise. When you get to that point, force yourself up and get a workout in. I know it's hard to get up and go at that point but do it for her as well as you.

Vonikins · March 2014

Maybe you can find another way to cope with the anniversary. Throw yourself into something that keeps you either too busy to think or feel the past anniversaries. Maybe volunteer all day at a soup kitchen/shelter or even do something that makes your mother feel a little closer like a craft. Another idea is do an intense work out or activity to exhaust yourself so that you are mentally and physically too tired to feel the anguish for one day.

Also, since you are your mother's legacy, maybe you can think about what your mother might have wanted for you, and the legacy she might have envisioned. Did she appreciate charity, church, sports, arts, family ??? find something that makes her more attendant in your heart and life with her spirit on a daily/yearly basis. Then maybe the anniversary won't feel so poignant in the years to come.

geebusuk · March 2014

Quite likely I'm on here for similar sort of reasons.
My parents divorced when I was 8; I chose to live with my dad. He was killed in a road traffic accident when I was 11.
This lead to other problems with messed up teenage years and so on.

General advice I'd give for a lot of situations - work out what some REALISTIC life goals are.
Work out how you can achieve them.
Make sure you spend time working towards them.

Having a lean/fit/strong/hot body is on the the list for me. Also helps me in confidence talking to women etc (I don't have a massive amount of it.)

In the end, to some degree it doesn't matter if you don't achieve your goals, but, as they say it's the journey that matters.
Quite likely things will change over time and priorities may seem less important - but having something to focus on is a good start.

SallieBeige · March 2014

I am a mom of a 24 year old daughter.

Your story brought tears to my eyes.

All I can say is, what a lucky mum you had that she means so much to you. (cyber hug on its way)

cpiton · March 2014

Maybe you can find another way to cope with the anniversary. Throw yourself into something that keeps you either too busy to think or feel the past anniversaries. Maybe volunteer all day at a soup kitchen/shelter or even do something that makes your mother feel a little closer like a craft. Another idea is do an intense work out or activity to exhaust yourself so that you are mentally and physically too tired to feel the anguish for one day.

Also, since you are your mother's legacy, maybe you can think about what your mother might have wanted for you, and the legacy she might have envisioned. Did she appreciate charity, church, sports, arts, family ??? find something that makes her more attendant in your heart and life with her spirit on a daily/yearly basis. Then maybe the anniversary won't feel so poignant in the years to come.

This is pretty close to what I was going to say.

First off, I'm very sorry for your loss. Hugs:flowerforyou:

When my mother-in-law died suddenly, (a beautiful woman I absolutely adored) the family was devastated. So, after her death, we decided to do something she would be proud of. We gather clothing and food to send to an orphanage in Mexico on her birthday every year. (She was from Mexico) Also, she died of a hypertension related disease. So, every year, we participate in our local Heartwalk in her memory. It has helped my kids to not dwell on the pain, but what they can do in the present to make their Nana proud of them.

What could you do today to make your mom proud?

Ke11er · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for all the pain it left you with. I'm sure your mother would love to be here now to comfort you if she could. The earlier suggestions for a counselor and support group are really good suggestions. I think honoring her memory with charitable work in a field of her passion is also a great idea. Reminiscing with someone today instead might be helpful, some time to acknowledge the pain and loss but also laugh and remember the good times. I'm not a professional so take this motherly advice for what it's worth...the thought that came to my mind reading your story was that your mom probably wasn't much older when she passed than you are now. Perhaps it would be empowering for you to see yourself as capable of mothering yourself now? Maybe it would be a comfort for you to you to give yourself permission to nurture yourself? It wouldn't take anything away from her. You will never forget her, even if you become a mom to children of your own or to yourself. You have been really strong to grow up without the privilege of having your mom at your side, it's hard to make it through the teen and early adult years even with a devoted mom in the stands cheering us on and yet you've succeeded. No doubt she is proud of your strength and would be delighted to see you fully embrace the power you obviously have. Sometimes the strongest thing to do is gently take good care of you. Virtual hugs for you.

jenny181111 · March 2014

I know how you feel, I lost my mum a few years ago. And eat to cover up many emotional areas in my life.

But now, I am concentrating on being there for my children, I don't want to die young like my mum did. I'm going to do what I can to live longer and be healthy. I want to see my grandkids!! My sons are only 5 and 9 ! So, grandkids!! It's a long time away.

Stay strong xxx We can get through this together xx

HeidiMightyRawr · March 2014

So sorry for your loss. Maybe there's something you can do, a place to volunteer or some work you could do to either raise awareness or raise money for a charity/cause that does work for whatever it is that she died from, to prevent this happening to as many other people? It might help keep your mind occupied, and be rewarding to know that you'll be helping others not go through what you are. I'm sure that'd make her really proud.

My partner lost his mum as a young child to suicide, I've seen the ups and downs and honestly can't imagine how I'd cope losing my mum. He's planning on doing a skydive at some point to raise money for a shelter, where people who are having a lot of problems, and/or could be contemplating suicide, can go and talk to someone, relax and get away from it all. Like many things it won't help everyone but even just one person I think it'd be worth it.

Or as Vonikins said, you could think about the sort of things that your mother felt was important to her, and fit those into your life in your own way.

Take care of yourself, and big hugs for what you're going through right now. Is there anyone you can talk to, besides the counsellor, like a friend who's always there, or another family member? A place where you can just let off steam and get it all out?

amybg1 · March 2014

My condolences, I've lost a few people in my life already - no parents but some family and most recent a friend on December 4th.

Dealing with the losses was hard, but as has been said acceptance helps and doing something to help the cause of a loved one's death for example volunteering can also help deal with things.

For me when the anniversary of the deaths of those that have impacted me the most comes when i feel emotions such as anger, I go for a workout. When my friend passed in December, the thing I did to take all my anger out was go for a run and it was one of the best ones I had in some time.

All that to say - if you don't want to channel your emotions with eating, find something else to do to get those emotyions out of your system whether it be helping a friend, volunteering, working on a hobby, working out...

Cookie_4 · March 2014

I appreciate everyone's kind words more than I can say. I'm sorry to all of you who know the pain of losing a loved one, especially good parents who loved and nurtured you. If only I could have one more day.

Some great advice was given and I'll try my best to learn how to accept and cope (without stuffing my face with food).

acb2144 · March 2014

Thank you so much for posting this. The feelings you describe of eating to not be present in your life for that amount of time, to not feel what's in front of you sound so familiar.
I joined MFP last month because my mom died in November and she was everything to me, and I've have been numbly eating every since. I was getting control and trying to feel stronger, when my grandmother just died and I've been bingeing the last few days.

It seems like you have a ritual of mourning around the anniversary of her death that has been ingrained; it's the time that you give over to her but don't actually let yourself experience your feelings because of the food. A good therapist should be able to help you to break that cycle. Maybe working on meditation, as well? working on being present to yourself and the rest of the world. I'm working on that, even though it's really hard and I'd rather be zoned out right now.
I really wish you luck and steadiness. Steadiness can be as much as we can hope for sometimes.

Motherless Daughter

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