So what do you do when someone calls you fat to your face?

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liftsforchocolate
liftsforchocolate Posts: 273
in Motivation and Support
I've already always had not so great self-esteem/confidence, and everything was getting better, and I was working harder toward exercising and eating right. I was signing some paperwork this morning and my mom straight up told me,

"Wow, you're getting big." And she poked my *kitten*. (She has no *kitten* btw). I had no response, no idea what to say. And then she asked if I "still" go to the gym.

The next time I saw her (just now), she kept asking what's wrong as if it never happened. I was in tears the whole day. I really really want to just move on, but I wish I was a stronger person and could just let it go. I don't know why I hold on to stupid things, but I do. And my journey is going to be a long one, I don't want to just eat 400 calories for a week, massive cardio out of desperation, fail and lose all my muscle, and then repeat this whole thing again. But at the same time, I deal with these comments every day (usually its just "looks" and stares though). Any advice?

Btw, I've dealt with this my whole life. Apparently before, I looked "anorexic", gained some weight + muscle, now my butt is too big.

(Also, she knew I worked out yesterday. Pathetic. I'm going to the gym now anyway)
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Replies

  • linkirving
    linkirving Posts: 121 Member
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    If the pictures in your profile are you, then you've got to know that you're not fat. I'm not trying to compliment you.

    If this post is true at all, then I'm sorry, but every single person in your life has failed you. You have no reason to be self conscious about your body. Is it possible that you are taking jokes too literally?
  • threefancy
    threefancy Posts: 93 Member
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    If the pictures in your profile are you, then you've got to know that you're not fat. I'm not trying to compliment you.

    I agree.

    And if she is asking you what was wrong... tell her. Maybe if she knows, she will choose her words more wisely next time.
  • JoanneC1216
    JoanneC1216 Posts: 166
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    Wow, being a mom, I can't imagine saying that to my daughter.

    Are you sure she wasn't just referring to muscle? She can't possibly be calling you fat from looking at your photo! You look great!
  • krennie8
    krennie8 Posts: 301 Member
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    I think you need to have a serious conversation with your mother about what's appropriate and what's not. That was not. My guess is she has serious issues of her own with body image. Tell her how you feel. If she still doesn't see what she did was wrong and refuses to watch what she says, imho you should find a mediator, whether that's a counselor, father, or other trusted person in your life. The other option is to be firm with her, and if she mentions weight, leave the room/house, whatever. That will get her attention that that subject is off limits.

    It's hard to ignore these comments, especially when made by those closest to us, but know that these are HER issues, and not yours.
  • Sarah4fitness
    Sarah4fitness Posts: 437 Member
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    When people call me fat, I sit on them.




    Seriously though, mothers can be the WORST when it comes to backhanded compliments or lack of support for your body goals. I'm pretty sure their attitudes are a combination of the society in which they were raised, outdated concepts of femininity, and their own insecurities about their aging bodies. SNAP.
  • astronomicals
    astronomicals Posts: 1,537 Member
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    I love hot women with low self esteem. Please use me to reaffirm yourself.

    Moms are annoying. Brush it off and move out if u haven't. The older the snarkier.
  • fat2skinny50
    fat2skinny50 Posts: 104 Member
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    I agree with the post, you look wonderful and are definitely NOT fat. I hope that your Mom was just making a joke, but either way, since it bothered you and still does, you need to tell her that she hurt your feelings with her comment. You need to keep the negative out of your life and be happy, everyone deserves that. Keep up the good work you are doing fine
  • JSClausen
    JSClausen Posts: 6
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    I agree, if the photo is you, then rest assured that you are not fat. And no one, in no way, recommends anyone eat 400 calories a day. In fact you should net at least 1200 calories as a woman. That means after you subtract what you've burned off through physical activity from the calories you have consumed, you should net at least 1200.

    As far as "What do you do when someone calls you fat to your face?" If anyone, my mom, the pope, whoever, came out of the blue and called me fat, I'd tell them "**** you, buddy," because being so tactless would elicit an equally tactless response. But that's just me! lol
  • Ainar
    Ainar Posts: 858 Member
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    If somebody calls you fat and you are not fat (You clearly are not fat, at least if your profile picture is YOU. You do realize it, right?) then they are doing it for two reasons - as a joke or insult. So you either react it like you did for a joke or insult depending how it was meant. In this case it was clearly a joke, so why would you even get upset? You should not get angry at her. It is your fault that you feel like that, not her's. This is really pretty extreme. I do know some people can't get jokes and you don't have to lough but to get so upset cos of that? I can't but think that you must have some kind of body image disorder, not necessary anorexia there are many other ones too, it might be worth to talk with a professional.

    Also, being angry at her and not communicating is not solving anything. If you wanna cry or scream at her do it, it's way better than getting upset and angry alone. You might get a hug and apology and she might not say something like that ever again if she would know how it hurts you. But let her know. Not communicating does not solve anything and is is certainly not hurting her back, just you even more.
  • Jeffs_Jess
    Jeffs_Jess Posts: 28
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    I do find that mothers can be harsh.
    My mom is great. But my boyfriends mom has hurt my feelings a couple of times.
    At a family get together, we were playing the Wii. And I had no idea the Wii Fit was going to take my weight and what not, and his entire family laughed at me when the Wii said I have the stats of a 41 year old.
    And everytime we go over to visit, she asks if we're going to the gym, without fail.
    I kind of feel like it's none of her business. And it's hurtful when she constantly asks, like is she hinting at something?

    But I've learned in these situations to shrug it off. If the person poking fun at me isn't fit, in shape or goes to the gym themselves, they have no grounds to say Anything about my lifestyle.
    Maybe try talking to your mom. Let her know how her comment hurt you.
    I've found that in my journey, people Are going to make comments to you. Good and bad. Just do your thing.
  • KrispyNoodles
    KrispyNoodles Posts: 14 Member
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    I have nasty in-laws who do that all the time. Funny thing is they are the ones with the muffin-tops. I don't think it was meant to be a joke and you need to sit down with your mother and let her know that it's not ok to say such things. Communication is everything. Don't be afraid to be honest and up-front with her.
  • liftsforchocolate
    liftsforchocolate Posts: 273
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    Thank you so much guys (every single response helped, honestly).

    That is me in the pictures, but I do feel that I look heavier in real life than in the pictures. I fluctuate 5-10 pounds also depending on how many carbs I'm eating, but I pretty much look my profile picture right now.

    I'm just going to use it as motivation to lift heavier today. That or kickboxing is the only way I know to get out my anger. If I confront her about it, she'll tell the rest of the family and anyone she can that I have "issues" then act like she did nothing wrong and I'm the one that has a screwed up mind. Ughh...

    Also, she didn't mean that I gained muscle. She kept telling me I need to workout more or I'll get as fat as I once was. I wish I could just go away until I'll comfortable with my body again, but that isn't going to happen.

    Anyway gtg, thanks again :)
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    Mother/daughter relationships can be so complicated! I know mine is... Sometimes I can brush it off as "well, I know she means well" but sometimes I feel like she's jealous or something. And it definitely goes both ways - I know I can be pretty mean to her sometimes too or say something the wrong way and not even realize it unless she says something.

    Either she meant it to be a compliment and it came out wrong or you took it wrong. Or she's jealous because she has no butt and you have a nice looking one. Or maybe somewhere in between.

    Bottom line though - if someone asks you what's wrong and you clam up, the blame for the problem continuing is just as much on you as it is on them. Tell her in a nice calm manner that what she said really hurt your feelings. Open, honest (but calm and tactful) communication is best!

    ETA: ok, so she didn't mean it as a compliment, maybe she meant it as helpful cautionary advice. Either way, you need to have a talk.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    Response: "I can fix fat, but you can't fix ______ (fill in the blank with ugly, stupid, ignorance etc)"

    However since it is your mother, I don't recommend it.
  • jillyan1995
    jillyan1995 Posts: 4
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    Since it's your mum this isn't a great idea, but to any one else, turn around and punch them right square in the nose. Honestly.
  • DuckDynastyMakesMeLaugh
    DuckDynastyMakesMeLaugh Posts: 363 Member
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    "And what are your qualifications? Don't talk unless you know what you are talking about, and I don't take advice from fat people."

    I reported her.:wink:
  • scubasuenc
    scubasuenc Posts: 626 Member
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    When I lived at home my mother never had anything nice to say about my body. I thought I was fat my entire life. It wasn't until I looked at some childhood pictures a few years ago that I realized I wasn't a fat child. Although I went through chubby phases, I'll bet I was within the normal range.

    Those kind of messages helped me to develop a lousy self image that I'm struggling to right today.

    One of the things I have learned to do is be honest with her and tell her when a remark she makes hurts me. She is not a mean person, and doesn't really intend to say hurtful things. It has taken years, but she has slowly learned to watch what comes out of her mouth.

    It isn't necessarily best to respond in the heat of the moment when the hurt is greatest. However, I suggest you go back to your mother at a quiet moment and tell her that what she said hurt you. Be specific. I'll bet you find she thought she was teasing and she never intended to hurt you.
  • JohnMatrix
    JohnMatrix Posts: 59
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    I'm not even how to respond to this. Since the pictures are you...........I think your mother needs to get off the drugs and shut the hell up. That kind of talk drives me bananas. I'm sorry, but given how you look, she's putting a lot of unnecessary, unneeded pressure on you to lose weight you don't need to lose. Don't change anything. Keep doing what your doing. But you def. need to straighten your mother out. You don't look like her nor do you need to. There is ZERO wrong with how you look.
  • huneydrop
    huneydrop Posts: 84
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    I think it has more to do with her own insecurities than you.........

    I've had people hurt me in the past and later in life I found out stuff they were going through and it all kinda made sense. Doesn't excuse it but it's easier to swallow knowing it has little to do with you and is their own personal demons they are working through.
  • kamalelwa
    kamalelwa Posts: 44 Member
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    I would calmly tell my no-*kitten* mom that they have shapers now that have built in *kitten* for those that have a case of no-*kitten*-at-all!!!! Do not take the ignorant comments of others so seriously--the comments are made with no thought what so ever and really do not count!!!!!

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