Anorexia Relapse

jennaandthemoon
jennaandthemoon Posts: 28
in Food and Nutrition
I get really anxious when it comes to eating certain types of foods. I over-think what I am eating and feel really guilty about everything that I eat.

Yes I have suffered from anorexia in the past... and yeah I suppose my mindset about food really hasn't changed much. I mean.. I am better. I am a healthy weight. But I am TERRIFIED of gaining weight and also terrified of food. Ah. I suppose I feel like I am leaning towards another relapse into anorexia. Currently I am 5"9 and weigh 135lbs. My lowest weight was 114lbs and was classified as underweight with a BMI of 17.

I can feel myself wanting to go towards the darkness of this disease again.. I feel disgusted with my body even though I am a healthy weight. I want to be thinner. But I wish I didn't want to be thinner. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and my body but it has been 6 long years of trying to fight this off and nothing I do will make it go away :( I want to be super thin again. But I dont want to want to be super thin :( help me please :(

I don't want this illness to ruin my life anymore... I just want to live and eat and exercise like a normal person

Replies

  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    Talk with a trusted adult and/or a professional.
  • jennaandthemoon
    jennaandthemoon Posts: 28
    Been there. Done that.
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
    Been there. Done that.

    Keep doing it. It's not a one-time thing that gets fixed overnight.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support
  • jennaandthemoon
    jennaandthemoon Posts: 28
    Been there. Done that.

    Keep doing it. It's not a one-time thing that gets fixed overnight.

    It's been 6 years I don''t know what I am supposed to do anymore
  • SKME2013
    SKME2013 Posts: 704 Member
    Have you considered self help groups? There must be some where you exchange your feelings with like minded people? I am really sorry that this so hard for you and I sincerely hope that you can find a way out of it!
    Stef.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    Been there. Done that.

    Keep doing it. It's not a one-time thing that gets fixed overnight.

    It's been 6 years I don''t know what I am supposed to do anymore

    So you have been dealing with this since a young age.

    Unfortunately, nobody here will be able to provide the appropriate help for you. Please reach out to someone in real life or the website listed above. There is a number that you can call for help.
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
    Ill just post what I said to someone else earlier.

    "I think you're currently setting yourself up for failure because you're going into this with a mind set of self-hate. Thus turns unto restriction, control, and never being good enough.

    You also seem to be exhibiting black and white thinking (you can eat whatever you want when not counting but once in control you HAVE TO RESTRICT!).

    Unfortunately as others have said until you seek some kind of self discovery and journey to change your current perspective this is going to be a recurring problem.

    I'm not going to judge but generally these thought patterns are apparent in numerous aspects of people's lives. If not only for this situation it would definitely be beneficial to living an overall happier life."

    As someone with OCD (diagnosed at age 8) I still find this controls my life most days. What I've recently started doing is some self discovery and acceptance exercises. I understand that I am not treating myself with love, kindness, and respect. I cannot say that I love myself and really mean it yet... But I'm making baby steps, I'm currently at "despite every decision I've made and every negative experience I've had, I know that I'm not an inherently bad person and I'm willing to explore the idea that I am not worthless."

    Whatever your story is... Look into it further. Your ED is because of a deeper routed issue and until that underlying problem is fixed (heck maybe even the obsession with food) it will continue to haunt you. And that's no way to live,
  • bethsmoothmove
    bethsmoothmove Posts: 14 Member
    For me it's not really a thought process I'm ever going to get away from, short of somehow being rich enough to be able to afford private DBT (my ED is a symptom of my BPD). However, I've been working on acknowledging the thought process of "I'm fat" "I'm disgusting" "My life would be better if I was thinner" "Not eating will solve this problem" etc on a conscious level, and then choosing not to act on it. Is this easy? No. Is it pleasant, knowing that every day for the rest of my life I'm going to look in the mirror and hate what I see no matter what I weigh? No. Is it a healthier option than starving and throwing up constantly? Errrrr I'm going to go with yes because that's what I'm told by the doctor.

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