TW: ED -- I just need to get it out.

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DLSlim
DLSlim Posts: 92 Member
in Motivation and Support
If you're reading this, I apologize. I'm about to spew my disordered thoughts about food and my body all over the internet in the hope that a kind soul will rescue me from my misery. Don't read if you're easily triggered, just keep on keeping on.

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Let me start off by saying that I spent the better part of my junior year at University in therapy and the only reason I stopped going is because I got scared when my therapist (an angel) suggested a higher level of care. Instead of the once weekly sessions we held for 9 months, she suggested two sessions weekly and a weekly group therapy session. In essence, the intensive outpatient program that my insurance can't cover. This horrified me. I'm FAT! I can't be in intensive outpatient therapy for an EATING DISORDER. So I quit therapy.

Now I'm almost done with school, I can't go back to my University based therapy, so I'm struggling along on my own. Yesterday, I binged WAY WAY past the point of comfort and luckily won against the urge to purge. Today, I sit on my couch, five hours after waking, drinking my first calories of the day. It took me FIVE HOURS to convince myself to have a cup of coffee with 40 cals of half and half. I'm already planning my gym routine to burn those calories and all that I ate last night.

I'm sick. I need help. I'm logical enough to know that what I'm doing is not healthy. I know the importance of a healthy intake for active bodies. I know for a fact that eating disorders are more prevalent than green eyes. They KILL people, men and women, young and old. Mine is killing me as I binge, purge, and restrict my way to inevitable heart failure, hair loss, weakened bones, and a gamut of other miserable symptoms.

I'll be graduating school in 69 days, getting married April 2015, going back to grad school soon after, and merely surviving through dozens of other milestones. This is horrifying for me. I got engaged Christmas day 2012. It was the most miserable day of my life. I was starved and depressed, suicidal. All I wanted was for the day to pass. And then my fiance surprised me with an incredibly thoughtful gesture in front of my family. It was beautiful, but I couldn't enjoy it. All I though about was how it wasn't supposed to be that way. I wasn't supposed to be thinking about how fat I felt or how I was planning to commit after the holidays. I should have been smiling freely.

I don't want to live the rest of my life in the shadow of my eating disorder. I want to free myself and for the first time know that life is for enjoyment, not waiting for the end. I need help.

Replies

  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
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    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support
    Find Help & Support
    You are not alone. Help is just a call or click away.
    If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, we are here to help.
    • Call our toll free, confidential Helpline at 1-800-931-2237
    • Click to chat with a Helpline volunteer
    We are here every  Monday-Thursday from 9:00 am - 9:00 pm and Friday from 9:00 am - 5:00 pm (EST). Our helpline volunteers will be there to offer support and guidance with compassion and understanding.

    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/neda-navigators

    :flowerforyou:
  • adopp062715
    adopp062715 Posts: 93 Member
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    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I think you need to go see a doctor. One whole specializes in how you are feeling. I know you said your insuarance won't cover it but you really need to see someone for help. Other than that, take it one day at a time. Maybe it would help to plan out your food for the day. I have never had an ED but I used to binge, a lot. Eventually I had to just take myself out of situations that brought on the feelings of needing to. Again, this helped me but may not help you. I started planning out my meals and only ate those for a while and eventually started feeling better. I also talked to a therapist and they gave me some anxiety/depression pills and those really helped a lot. But I can't stress this enough, I highly suggest talking to someone who specializes in this. It will get better.
  • Polygontus
    Polygontus Posts: 218 Member
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    I understand mostly where you're coming from. I haven't been formally diagnosed, but I know for a fact that I too have an ED.
    I feel guilty when I eat, as well as when I don't eat.
    When I eat I feel sick, disgusted with myself.
    When I don't eat, I feel like I'm disappointing the few friends that have been trying to help me.
    My ED has done nothing good. My boyfriend even broke up with me because of it. When we broke up he said that we could try to start over when I recovered, but the other day I asked if he meant it. He didn't. That was my motivation to go into recovery, now it's gone. Now this destructive behavior is simply an addiction.

    I've never purged, I almost did, but couldn't go through with it.

    I would like to congratulate you on your engagement. You have someone there that loves you. :)

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
    I'm one of those girls that will do anything in my power to brighten someone's day, even if I can't brighten my own. <3
  • soupandcookies
    soupandcookies Posts: 212 Member
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    Been there. I really relate. If you truly feel, deep down, that you absolutely cannot afford to get help (meaning, you truly WANT it, and you aren't using finances or something else as an excuse to stay in your ED), then would you consider attending OA meetings? It's not for everyone, but perhaps it would give you some support? It's for all compulsive eaters - people with BED, bulimia, anorexia, and EDNOS... If you want to get better, you may benefit from some outside support. Also, and I am only saying this from my own experience, so take it or leave it, but you may want to consider putting weight loss on the back burner. Counting calories is something you can go back to, when you feel like you have some recovery under your feet. I know it can be very scary, to let go of trying to lose weight or restrict, but it may be very hard to get rid of b/p behaviors, if you continue to try and keep a low-ish calorie intake. Just my 2 cents...

    Best of luck to you. I really know how much it sucks.... but if you WANT recovery, and you are truly willing to do whatever it takes to get there, then you will find a way.
  • Mcmilligen
    Mcmilligen Posts: 332 Member
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    Been there. I really relate. If you truly feel, deep down, that you absolutely cannot afford to get help (meaning, you truly WANT it, and you aren't using finances or something else as an excuse to stay in your ED), then would you consider attending OA meetings? It's not for everyone, but perhaps it would give you some support? It's for all compulsive eaters - people with BED, bulimia, anorexia, and EDNOS... If you want to get better, you may benefit from some outside support. Also, and I am only saying this from my own experience, so take it or leave it, but you may want to consider putting weight loss on the back burner. Counting calories is something you can go back to, when you feel like you have some recovery under your feet. I know it can be very scary, to let go of trying to lose weight or restrict, but it may be very hard to get rid of b/p behaviors, if you continue to try and keep a low-ish calorie intake. Just my 2 cents...

    Best of luck to you. I really know how much it sucks.... but if you WANT recovery, and you are truly willing to do whatever it takes to get there, then you will find a way.

    Agree with this completely. I listen to the OA podcasts at work a lot, it helps to know others who have gone through similar things. But in the end, you need to be the one to help yourself. The tools are out there.
  • a_stronger_me13
    a_stronger_me13 Posts: 812 Member
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    This horrified me. I'm FAT! I can't be in intensive outpatient therapy for an EATING DISORDER. So I quit therapy.

    As someone who has never been underweight, spent most of her high school and adult life slightly overweight, but still suffered from multiple eating disorders, I get this mentality and its the reason I didn't seek help for the longest time. While your therapist may have suggested something more intensive, it doesn't mean that you wouldn't see anymore progress with what you were doing already. Like someone mentioned, OA could be an option to pair up with your once a week individual sessions.

    I'm currently in recovery, it's not easy. I've seen my weight increase since I've stopped purging and while I still slip up, the rebound after falling off the wagon is much quicker and the slip ups are becoming less and less frequent. Adjusting my goals has helped adjust my mentality about my body image and my weight as well.

    All I can say is, don't stop utilizing the help that you've been receiving. It's a tool, not a crutch, and you should take advantage of it. Brain Over Binge is also another excellent resource.

    Honesty is a good start and sometimes a public declaration instills some level of accountability that will push you in the right direction. Best of luck to you in your recovery!
  • martow49
    martow49 Posts: 2 Member
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    Oh honey, hug yourself! The first step in any sort of recovery is to be open with yourself and others that a problem exists. Take a deep breath and recognize how far you've come and how much you accomplish: college, a loving fiance, friends, family.... They are there to support you - as well as an online community of strangers. I had a dear friend in high school with an eating disorder. She had moved to our town after her hospitalization to complete her high school degree. Everyone loved (and loves) her and it was heart breaking for us to watch her struggle with self image and food. Her turn around point was when her doctors moved her from her children's hospital to a mental health facility: she vowed that she would eat just so she could get well. She's now happily married, a mom with two beautiful almost adult boys and blessedly healthy.
    Don't be afraid of therapy. It is probably an excellent sign that your therapist wanted you to get more intensive treatment. I have general anxiety disorder and probably Bipolar II; I always avoided psychiatrists but I finally broke down - it wasn't terrible at all. I feel better. I have gained a ton of weight from my meds but I'm feeling better, functioning and happy.
    You are facing a very challenging disease but it isn't your fault nor a character flaw. Do seek the help of professionals and if one doesn't work, move to someone who does. This is a medical condition just like diabetes or cancer or heart disease. You are precious and a gift. You care enough about yourself to speak out to us so persevere.
    I don't know if my blabbing is at all helpful but I am praying for you. Be well!!!
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
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    Just a thought, maybe the therapy that you were getting before wasn't working well for you and there's something else that would work better.

    Best of luck. :flowerforyou:
  • Cookie_4
    Cookie_4 Posts: 152 Member
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    I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Looking at your profile pics, you are a beautiful woman (and that's coming from a stranger who isn't biased!). You're not fat but I totally get it and have been (and sometimes still am) where you are.

    Not that every ED has to have some type of backstory, but have you (and/or your therapist) ever tried to figure out a deeper reason WHY you binge and purge? For me, I lost my mom really early in life and food became the comfort that I had lost. I also never liked to show any emotion other than happiness so I ate away all the sad emotions instead of feeling them.

    Does your fiancée and family know? It also helped me a lot when I "confessed" to my family and best friend that I binged and purged. They all were so supportive.

    Best of luck and let me know if I can help in any way :flowerforyou:
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    I have inferred from your post that the prescribed therapy was too expensive for you. I don't really know anything about this site, but perhaps it can help you find some resources. You really need some help with this.

    http://blahtherapy.com/
  • Slacker16
    Slacker16 Posts: 1,184 Member
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    Yesterday, I binged WAY WAY past the point of comfort and luckily won against the urge to purge. Today, I sit on my couch, five hours after waking, drinking my first calories of the day. It took me FIVE HOURS to convince myself to have a cup of coffee with 40 cals of half and half. I'm already planning my gym routine to burn those calories and all that I ate last night.
    This struck a chord :flowerforyou:

    I have never purged, but I have binged far past the point of comfort (and not just on food, to be honest).
    I've also forced myself to eat nothing the next day and work out on an empty stomach and a hangover.

    Can't provide any advice, save that making myself eat and exercise normally the day after a binge was definitely a step in the right direction.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    I have inferred from your post that the prescribed therapy was too expensive for you. I don't really know anything about this site, but perhaps it can help you find some resources. You really need some help with this.

    http://blahtherapy.com/

    ^^ Great link!


    OP,

    I have been there, so I can say the only thing that saved me was counseling and getting to the root of the problem. I hope you can get the help you need. For me, learning why I would binge was how I was able to stop. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:
  • DLSlim
    DLSlim Posts: 92 Member
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    Thank you all so much. Angels, all of you.
  • a_stronger_me13
    a_stronger_me13 Posts: 812 Member
    Options
    I have inferred from your post that the prescribed therapy was too expensive for you. I don't really know anything about this site, but perhaps it can help you find some resources. You really need some help with this.

    http://blahtherapy.com/

    ^^ Great link!


    OP,

    I have been there, so I can say the only thing that saved me was counseling and getting to the root of the problem. I hope you can get the help you need. For me, learning why I would binge was how I was able to stop. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:

    youreatopia.com is also another great link, particularly their article on adult EDs

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