A Cautionary Tale of Christmas Treats

Last night was Cigar Night. All my buddies meet at my house. It was raining, 35 degrees. I built a fire under cover of the deck. Because of the weather, only three guys showed up. Because of the cold, I reationalized, I needed something to warm the inner Road Dog. Nothing pairs with a La Gloria Cubana like Port Wine. Mistake Number One.

As I worked my way through a bottle of Port, my daughter popped out, to put some boxes in the outside fridge. Setting me up for Mistake Number Three.

Guys left about 2 1/2 hours later. After turning off lights outside, tending to the fire, throwing EMPTY Port bottle away, I decide to see what the boxes in the fridge were, setting me up to make Mistake Number Two, which was finding the leftover Ham.

What were in the Boxes? My wife's Holiday chocolates and treats that she gives out as gifts to coworkers.

Anyway, pulled the ham in, couple eggs, serannos, grated cheese, cilantro, green onions, hot sauce; found some flour tortillas. My mental capacity was diminished by the Port, so I made a couple fat breakfast burritos. Delicious. Cracked a second bottle of Port to wash them down.

I wish this were the extent of my bad decisions, but, whilst sitting with my wife and daughter, watching TV, my daughter turns to wife and says, "I'd sure like something sweet." They lock eyes, some sort of telepathic communication passes beween them and daughter launches from couch. I topped of my wine glass in preparation.

Holland comes down with a stack of red boxes all shrink wrapped together. I hand my wife, Jan, my pocket knife. The flips it open, and with the skill of a samarai warrior, slices those boxes open. Plastic wrap goes flying. My wife opens some truffles, has one, passes it to Holland, has one, passes to me. I don't like truffles. Same routine with a couple other boxes of assorted goodies. I don't like any of the treats so far, but I have managed to finish my glass of Port, so I top it off again. All told, Jan and Holland only had about 3 treats each and were sated.

My wife opened another box. Baklava. She takes one, pases; Holland takes one; passes. Mistake Number Three. I take one and don't pass back. Set the box next to my rapidly diminishing SECOND bottle of Port.

Somewhere, with the guidance of two bottles of Port I come up with a plan. Eat all the Baklava and end the madness in one evening.

That is exactly what I did. Ate a whole freaking box of Baklava and drank two bottle of Port. Don't forget about the burritos.

Surprisingly, it didn't show on the scale this morning, but I know it will eventually. Going to try and do some damage control today. Lot's of water, cut back on the calories.

Merry Christmas.