Backhanded Compliments

HappyFitRN · March 2014

Hi Everyone,

23 year old female here. So I began using MFP last spring/summer 2013 and was able to lose about 30 lbs. I am now at a healthy BMI and have been able to maintain the weight loss (yay!

). I am looking to lose about 28 more pounds for my ideal goal, but between work and a very strenuous nursing program, it has been hard to do anything more than maintain.

Anyways, I was wondering how everyone felt when people noticed their weight loss, especially those that only saw you before and after, not during the process. I like how I look and feel now, but people's comments make me feel so uncomfortable:

- A guy at school who made it very clear that we would only ever be friends and never texted me over the summer suddenly became very interested when he saw me the first day of class last fall (and is still giving me ga-ga eyes over 6 months later).

- A family friend told my mother that with the weight loss and change of hair color, she now thinks I look beautiful. (Was I that hideous before?)

- A former coworker at a holiday party would not stop talking about my weight loss to me and then went even further and very tactfully (not) suggested I lose "just a little bit more."

- My father keeps parading my weight loss to all of his (mainly older male) friends when they come over to play cards.

I know everyone has the best of intentions, but the weight loss is still quite recent and I honestly don't look hugely different, just more toned. Being overweight was something I struggled with for 15+ years and it saddens me to think that even though I am the same person who is a very hard worker, a loyal & loving friend and family member, and a compassionate and intelligent student nurse, these people think I am somehow more worthy because of my outward appearance.

Like I said before, I am definitely happy with my progress and appreciate my "new" body, but these reactions made me feel really uncomfortable. I guess I'm just wondering if anybody here was ever in a similar situation.

Thanks!

ekemsley1 · March 2014

you know what they say...haters gon' hate

Some of these people probably don't realize how they're making you feel. Just remind them that you have always been the same person on the inside.

I've gotten some weird comments too...about me disappearing...and comments about how my husband must like my weight loss.,.and how they liked me better thicker...oh well.

softncudly · March 2014

"A former coworker at a holiday party would not stop talking about my weight loss to me and then went even further and very tactfully (not) suggested I lose "just a little bit more." "

"

"

But seriously, I have had similar experiences. Sometimes people just say silly things, when they don't know what to say. (I give them a break and just ignore.) But if it's someone who regularly says toxic things, I either try to distance myself or politely let them know that their comments are unappreciated.

Also congrats on your weight loss.:flowerforyou:

"

"

say_pocket · March 2014

I've been hearing comments about my weight even before I started trying to tone up. And I wasn't even ever in an unhealthy weight range, just out of shape.

My grandmother gave me a light cooking cook book (hint hint thanks grandma) when I saw her one summer at a wedding. Then, at Christmas, after I had actually GAINED 5 lbs, gushed about how thin I looked and said, "Thank goodness, because you were getting a little chunky there for a while."

Anyone who hints you should lose more can kiss your more toned butt. (Any guy who only likes you for the "new" you can do the same.) And for the rest of them, just take the good part of the compliment and run with it. Just because someone says you look beautiful now doesn't mean you didn't before. There's no good way to tell someone how good they look when they're getting fit without implying that they were less than fit before.

Congrats on your progress! And good luck getting to your ideal goal!

VaingloriousVictoria · March 2014

I have had a whole range of comments. People who never knew I was morbidly obese tell me, "You're so skinny, eat more!" I have lots of people who try to push food on me.

Like you, I am at the healthy weight range, and I *could* lose 10-15 more pounds, but this is a comfortable maintenance weight for me.

The people who have seen my transformation are so happy for me and give me compliments that are cute and sometimes backhanded compliments- even though I know they mean well. For me, I have to think about the person and his/her intentions. If the compliment is coming from someone who I don't like, and it's backhanded, I just ignore them. If it's from someone I like, usually they don't know what to say. I cut them some slack.

Keep being awesome!

Congratulations!!!

eric_sg61 · March 2014

- A guy at school who made it very clear that we would only ever be friends and never texted me over the summer suddenly became very interested when he saw me the first day of class last fall (and is still giving me ga-ga eyes over 6 months later).

Here is how you should react to him

sevsmom · March 2014

Our office "Parcel service delivery person" saw me out running on lunch one day and yelled "you have a DAMN fine body for having like 9 kids."

Which made me wonder, since we only have 5 and I only gave birth to two of them, is my body LESS "damn fine"????

yo_andi · March 2014

- A guy at school who made it very clear that we would only ever be friends and never texted me over the summer suddenly became very interested when he saw me the first day of class last fall (and is still giving me ga-ga eyes over 6 months later).

Here is how you should react to him

Or...

w4sp · March 2014

my boyfriend likes my.......rather big.........backside, so one day we were talking about how my butt makes all my pants not fit even if they're a fine fit everywhere else, and he said I'd have to shop at Layne Bryant to find pants big enough for my behind. he goes out of his way to call me tiny, though, too (even before this comment) so naturally I forgave him. kinda. :-P

emilyc85 · March 2014

My "favorite" back handed compliment comes from my Grandfather, and he says it every time I see him:

"looks like marriage is treating you healthy." ie: you have become a fatass :embarassed:

Whatever :ohwell:

NikkiSixGuns · March 2014

For whatever reason, when a person loses weight it seems to cause people around them to think it's open for discussion and comment and critique. It's unlikely that you'll be able to stop people from commenting and critiquing, but you can reply in ways that let them know that their comments are unwelcome. I find that not reacting or responding and changing the subject is a pretty good way to shut that stuff down. For some people you've got to be more direct, though, and tell them that your body is not OK for them to discuss.

As for this:

- A guy at school who made it very clear that we would only ever be friends and never texted me over the summer suddenly became very interested when he saw me the first day of class last fall (and is still giving me ga-ga eyes over 6 months later).

I don't think he's necessarily a shallow person. He might be, but he might have also see your weight loss as a sign that you have what it takes to set and achieve goals. That's a positive characteristic. Could be he's suddenly interested in you for that. If not, he just thinks you're hot, and that's a compliment. Take it, even if you don't care to give him the time of day.

levitateme · March 2014

No one's said anything stupid (yet) this go around, but 2 years ago I lost about 40 lbs. A coworker told me that I looked really good, which was nice, fine and appreciated. Then she added "you were really chunky before." Gee, thanks.

omma_to_3 · March 2014

"- A family friend told my mother that with the weight loss and change of hair color, she now thinks I look beautiful. (Was I that hideous before?) "

That's the one that always gets me....they can't just say you look great, they have to imply that you looked terrible "before"

Hugs to you. Try to ignore them. With your Dad, perhaps ask him to stop making a big deal out of it around his friends. He's likely just doing it because he's proud of you and doesn't realize it makes you uncomfortable.

He1loKitty · March 2014

I've heard it all. "You look good now but I'd be all over you if you lost ten pounds." "Aww, you lost all of your baby fat!" "I liked that dress on you better when you bought it last summer." I've even been told I need to lose a "good twenty pounds" and was once told that I was straight up "fat." At the time, I wasn't. I honestly don't know where people get off thinking they have the right to comment on anyone's weight, whether they're heavy or skinny. I can't think of a time when I ever felt comfortable commenting on someone else's weight, so I don't know why so many people have felt entitled to comment on mine to my face, whether I'm at a high or a low. I try to tune it out as white noise but it's hard sometimes. Good luck to you and try not to worry what anyone else says about you to you!

seltzermint555 · March 2014

My husband frequently helps me realize when it is time to give up an article of clothing, but sometimes he says things that sound kind of "bad" like "That dress does not work anymore...it is way too big" haha

I've had people suggest that I grow my hair long to complement my new body. WTF. I like having short hair, it fits my personality and style. I am not losing weight to become some sort of stereotypically attractive woman here.

bobbiejof33 · March 2014

Weight loss and having children. They open us up for so many "wonderful" (insert rolling eyes here) conversations. My in-laws are the best. "We have been talking about your decision to ........ do you really think its a good idea?" This time, I put on FB that I am going to do Warrior dash, so my inlaws had to discuss amongst themselves if they thought it was a good idea, and then had my MIL approach me cause she is the nicest and no one gets mad at her. I simply said, I will do this. And that shut her up for the time being. SIGH

nenshali · March 2014

My sister was entirely shocked when she saw me after a few weeks and said "God, you look like you lost 20kg (40lb)."
I lost maybe 3 kg (5-6lbs). So obviously I looked super- fat before. And she knew how insecure I am about this.
At first I thought it was well- meant, but when she added that I "finally don't look so fat around my face anymore", I lost it. :explode:

HappyFitRN · March 2014

First off, you guys are AWESOME. Thank you so much for all of the support and sharing your stories, I had no idea how kind and funny everyone (especially ya'll with the GIFs :happy: ) would be. Sounds like I haven't even received close to the worst in terms of backhanded compliments with some of your stories… some people have quite the nerve.

I guess the moral of the story here is finding your own happiness with your body and the hard work you've put into it. (While holding yourself back from smacking people who say tactless things and trying to understand their true complementary intentions.) I feel a lot better after reading all of your comments, thank you so much MFP friends!

And in the meantime, I was studying with the aforementioned guy a couple days ago and when I wouldn't take some of a cookie he offered me, he said "Are you on a diet?" No, I had decided to give up sweets for Lent. Welp, what a winner :laugh: .

swaggityswagbag · March 2014

This is the funniest thing I've read, oh my god. NINE KIDS.

Backhanded Compliments

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