I feel like a phony.

lj5109 · March 2014

I am 33 lbs down from my heaviest, 223 lbs. I keep stepping on the scale expecting it to read the weight I was plateaued at for 2 months, or worse, my start weight.

I guess most of this anxiety comes from the fact that I thought I lost about 20 pounds my sophomore year of high school, 4 years ago, after using the Lose it app and exercising daily. When I told my mom I had lost 20 pounds over the course of a few months she told me that "no, that scale is broken. It's been acting weird for months. It's not right. You don't look like you lost 20 pounds."

I think this moment in my life has effected me more than I let on. It's causing me to feel like I haven't made progress and not to believe any of the numbers that I see. Worst of all, its making it hard to see any physical changes in myself. When I went home for winter break, I had lost over 20 pounds. One of my mom's friends told me how great I looked and that it looked like I had lost so much weight (my mom stood silently next to her). I didn't believe her. I thought she was just saying it because she knew I was trying to lose weight and wanted to encourage me. I felt really guilty that I couldn't just accept her comments and praise.

Has anyone else gone through this? I am at a loss. I don't want to keep stepping on the scale expecting it to say a number 20-30lbs heavier than it said last time and I want to be able to enjoy this journey fully.

RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle · March 2014

This is a common feeling when people go through any sort of transition. Even in some jobs, new university grads often feel like a phony in their jobs for up to five years! I always like to share with people that this is a normal phenomenon. So that when they look at people in their field of work who they think of as really experienced and accomplished they know that even they sometimes have insecurities and they felt like a phony for years when they started their career.

As for weight loss. I find that I am always defaulting back to the idea that I have more work to do or that the weight I lost really does not make much difference. I do rely on external reinforcements, mostly in the form of posting pictures on mfp to be honest. Compliments do help me to reframe what I see. It is all about changing your thinking. You can change your thinking by writing down the positive changes, and by changing your behavior (ie. saying "thank you" when you receive a compliment, or smiling when you look at yourself in the mirror and noticing the smaller sized clothes you are putting on.) Additionally, learn to notice when you give yourself negative self talk and mentally or symbolically "throw it away."

CMoeDee · March 2014

First off, congratulations on your loss. I can only wait until I get to say I'm 33 pounds down.

My 2 bits:

Don't rely on the scale alone. It's a point of anxiety, so take away some of its power. Take some measurements, take a couple of selfies and stash them for later. That way, even if the scale does stop moving (as it's wont to do from time to time) you have some other markers to take a look at.

Face the source of your anxiety: was it the scale, or your mother being unsupportive? Weight loss is ultimately a personal goal, and you need to rely on yourself and your interior motivations to keep it going. While, yeah, it would be great if mom threw in a kind word here or there, the hard truth is that there's no guarantee that's going to happen, and you'll be in a much better boat if you rely on your own internal validation. Take a second: why are you doing this? Is your motivation to get healthy, lose weight, have a sick bikini body? Any old reason is as good as the others, and it will keep on focused on the future and take some of the bite out of the past.

You can do this. You are worth it!

ecw3780 · March 2014

I am sorry, but what kind of mother would say that to her daughter? Don't let your mothers issues effect your progress.

nineteentwenty · March 2014

I am sorry, but what kind of mother would say that to her daughter? Don't let your mothers issues effect your progress.

She almost sounds resentful of you. Is she having weight/motivational issues herself? It doesn't make it right, but she might be having some real feelings of jealousy right now, and be projecting her bad mood onto you. On the flip side, if that is true and she is jealous, that means you're making real visible progress! Good for you!

Losing weight really brings out either the best or the worst in people around you. You're going to get both love and hate for this, but you can stay strong

This is about what YOU want, and you are amazing for already dropping so much. Keep it up!

Lizzy622 · March 2014

Stop letting a number on the scale define you. You are much more than that. Instead go by how you feel and how much better or worse(as your clothes start falling off) your clothes are fitting. My son thought he lost weight but actually gained 4 pounds. He lost his belly pudge and increased muscle.

lj5109 · March 2014

I am sorry, but what kind of mother would say that to her daughter? Don't let your mothers issues effect your progress.

She almost sounds resentful of you. Is she having weight/motivational issues herself? It doesn't make it right, but she might be having some real feelings of jealousy right now, and be projecting her bad mood onto you. On the flip side, if that is true and she is jealous, that means you're making real visible progress! Good for you!

Losing weight really brings out either the best or the worst in people around you. You're going to get both love and hate for this, but you can stay strong This is about what YOU want, and you are amazing for already dropping so much. Keep it up!

Those comments she made were when I was losing weight a few years ago, but you are right. She was probably resentful. I was young and just believed her. I gave up and gained the weight back. I let those comments destroy me.

You hit the nail on the head. My mom has her own set of weight issues. When I was 12 I told her I was afraid she was going to die because of how heavy she was in a big emotional fight. Since then, it's been "You hate me because I am fat" and I can see why she might have thought that--I have been overweight my whole life and all through my teenage years I was upset and confused and angry because I didn't understand why I was overweight, actually obese. I blamed my parents, mainly my mom. And it caused a whole lost of problems. My mom ended up losing 60 pounds on her own and then stopped. People would tell her how great she looked and honestly I hated it. I felt like she was selfish. She had caused such huge weight problems for my sister and I and now she was losing weight and people were giving her compliments. I was a long emotional battle that I walked away from when I moved away to go to college.

At the end of my freshmen year of college, I had my gallbladder removed. I had over sixty stones.
My sister is 18 and had her gallbladder removed a week ago, with a large number of stones as well.
This brought back all of emotions I had thought I had forgotten and all of the anger I thought I had let go.
My parents made excuses, that my aunt and grandmother had gallbladder issues and this was genetic. I told them that genetic predisposition increases your risk of getting this problem when you are in your forties, not when you are a teenager. My father's response was "You're right. Must be bad parents." Comments like that make me feel like all of my anger and emotions are invalid! And that I am the b*tch daughter.

To add on to all of this, my mom had gastric bypass surgery over a month ago. That also brought up a lot of anger for me. She has a genetic heart condition that this surgery could reverse as well as obesity. She had to be told that she would need open heart surgery in order to get pushed into having gastric bypass. I don't know. I feel anger because I feel as though she is doing something for herself that she wouldn't have done for us, or maybe that she is cheating by taking the surgery route. I'm not really sure. It's just a lot to deal with.

neandermagnon · March 2014

I am sorry, but what kind of mother would say that to her daughter? Don't let your mothers issues effect your progress.

She almost sounds resentful of you. Is she having weight/motivational issues herself? It doesn't make it right, but she might be having some real feelings of jealousy right now, and be projecting her bad mood onto you. On the flip side, if that is true and she is jealous, that means you're making real visible progress! Good for you!

Losing weight really brings out either the best or the worst in people around you. You're going to get both love and hate for this, but you can stay strong This is about what YOU want, and you are amazing for already dropping so much. Keep it up!

Those comments she made were when I was losing weight a few years ago, but you are right. She was probably resentful. I was young and just believed her. I gave up and gained the weight back. I let those comments destroy me.

You hit the nail on the head. My mom has her own set of weight issues. When I was 12 I told her I was afraid she was going to die because of how heavy she was in a big emotional fight. Since then, it's been "You hate me because I am fat" and I can see why she might have thought that--I have been overweight my whole life and all through my teenage years I was upset and confused and angry because I didn't understand why I was overweight, actually obese. I blamed my parents, mainly my mom. And it caused a whole lost of problems. My mom ended up losing 60 pounds on her own and then stopped. People would tell her how great she looked and honestly I hated it. I felt like she was selfish. She had caused such huge weight problems for my sister and I and now she was losing weight and people were giving her compliments. I was a long emotional battle that I walked away from when I moved away to go to college.

At the end of my freshmen year of college, I had my gallbladder removed. I had over sixty stones.
My sister is 18 and had her gallbladder removed a week ago, with a large number of stones as well.
This brought back all of emotions I had thought I had forgotten and all of the anger I thought I had let go.
My parents made excuses, that my aunt and grandmother had gallbladder issues and this was genetic. I told them that genetic predisposition increases your risk of getting this problem when you are in your forties, not when you are a teenager. My father's response was "You're right. Must be bad parents." Comments like that make me feel like all of my anger and emotions are invalid! And that I am the b*tch daughter.

To add on to all of this, my mom had gastric bypass surgery over a month ago. That also brought up a lot of anger for me. She has a genetic heart condition that this surgery could reverse as well as obesity. She had to be told that she would need open heart surgery in order to get pushed into having gastric bypass. I don't know. I feel anger because I feel as though she is doing something for herself that she wouldn't have done for us, or maybe that she is cheating by taking the surgery route. I'm not really sure. It's just a lot to deal with.

maybe it would help if you spoke to a counsellor to get the anger and resentment out of your system. While it's understandable you'd be angry and resentful, and it sounds like this goes both ways (i.e. your mother's also resentful of you for whatever reason, which isn't your fault), these feelings are going to hurt you more than it hurts anyone else. Also, you should be happy that your mum's doing something about her health... maybe it's not your fault that you're not happy about it (we don't choose our feelings, only how we respond to them) but it is an indication that there's stuff in your own mind and in your relationship with your mother that you need to deal with and get past, so you can move on, achieve what you want to achieve without feeling like you're doing something bad, and also be happy for your mother and what she's achieving.

Ideally, it would be good for the two of you to support each other, but that's a two way street and you can only control your side in that, if she won't be supportive (after you've done your best to deal with all the issues from your side) then sometimes taking a step back from the relationship and just focusing on yourself is what's best. Some people have toxic family members and the best thing you can do if they really won't change is not let their toxicity get the better of you, and also understand that their problems are not your fault... but as an adult, dealing with your own problems is your responsibility, even if the problems were not of your own making. And also don't let yourself be dragged down to the same level of toxic family members (i.e. in terms of how you act towards them and in terms of letting them get to you psychologically so you give up trying to improve yourself).

In any case, if you've lost 30lb then that's fantastic, keep it up, you can do this. And yes it is genuine. Don't give up.

1shauna1 · March 2014

I think as long as you're stepping on the same scale, you will be able to track how much you're losing. Also, you could take your measurements and then track those.

nineteentwenty · March 2014

I am sorry, but what kind of mother would say that to her daughter? Don't let your mothers issues effect your progress.

She almost sounds resentful of you. Is she having weight/motivational issues herself? It doesn't make it right, but she might be having some real feelings of jealousy right now, and be projecting her bad mood onto you. On the flip side, if that is true and she is jealous, that means you're making real visible progress! Good for you!

Losing weight really brings out either the best or the worst in people around you. You're going to get both love and hate for this, but you can stay strong This is about what YOU want, and you are amazing for already dropping so much. Keep it up!

Those comments she made were when I was losing weight a few years ago, but you are right. She was probably resentful. I was young and just believed her. I gave up and gained the weight back. I let those comments destroy me.

You hit the nail on the head. My mom has her own set of weight issues. When I was 12 I told her I was afraid she was going to die because of how heavy she was in a big emotional fight. Since then, it's been "You hate me because I am fat" and I can see why she might have thought that--I have been overweight my whole life and all through my teenage years I was upset and confused and angry because I didn't understand why I was overweight, actually obese. I blamed my parents, mainly my mom. And it caused a whole lost of problems. My mom ended up losing 60 pounds on her own and then stopped. People would tell her how great she looked and honestly I hated it. I felt like she was selfish. She had caused such huge weight problems for my sister and I and now she was losing weight and people were giving her compliments. I was a long emotional battle that I walked away from when I moved away to go to college.

At the end of my freshmen year of college, I had my gallbladder removed. I had over sixty stones.
My sister is 18 and had her gallbladder removed a week ago, with a large number of stones as well.
This brought back all of emotions I had thought I had forgotten and all of the anger I thought I had let go.
My parents made excuses, that my aunt and grandmother had gallbladder issues and this was genetic. I told them that genetic predisposition increases your risk of getting this problem when you are in your forties, not when you are a teenager. My father's response was "You're right. Must be bad parents." Comments like that make me feel like all of my anger and emotions are invalid! And that I am the b*tch daughter.

To add on to all of this, my mom had gastric bypass surgery over a month ago. That also brought up a lot of anger for me. She has a genetic heart condition that this surgery could reverse as well as obesity. She had to be told that she would need open heart surgery in order to get pushed into having gastric bypass. I don't know. I feel anger because I feel as though she is doing something for herself that she wouldn't have done for us, or maybe that she is cheating by taking the surgery route. I'm not really sure. It's just a lot to deal with.

I'm truly sorry to hear that I "hit the nail on the head". It sounds like you are in a very toxic environment.

andreyadonna · March 2014

So, I used to have a similarly toxic relationship with my father. This does not make me an expert, every family is different. But I learned some things about seeing people for who they are outside of your parent. If you are over 18, take a step back and stop thinking of her as your mother as it applies to this topic. Look Plainly at her life, she probably has a TON of things influencing her. She's probably never gotten support with her weight either. This doesn't make it okay for her to shove you around emotionally.

You just need to understand where she is standing on her own battlefield before you compare it to yours. You know how alone and downtrodden you feel? Imagine feeling that way 20 or 30 years longer than you already have. That much time can make you bitter and hard. Consider that she may not be able to change that behavior. Especially not without professional health.

Be twice as aware that gastric bypass surgery does NOT automatically equate to weight loss. That surgery can only carry you so far and if you abuse food, even with a shot glass stomach to start with, it will stretch back out and you'll be no better off. Your mom may still no succeed here. And she has probably been told as much and is most likely terrified. That still does not make it okay for her to treat you improperly, but as a human being it makes sense.

To be able to deal with my father, I literally had to stop seeing him as a two dimensional parent figure. I started looking at him as an acquaintence. There are HUGE portions of your parents life that you don't know about. That's what I did with my father, I first started looking at him as a person. And then I decided that as long as I was thinking of him as an acquaintence to understand him, I might as well look at his opinions the same way. So I do, I wouldn't walk up to someone I've met once or twice and start talking about how my cellulite has changed since I lost weight. So I don't talk about it with him. And if he voices an opinion, I take it with the same grain of salt. "You look like you've chunked up a little around the face" doesn't mean nearly as much. Because as much as I don't know his life, he doesn't know mine.

If you are worried about having a gap in your support network, fill that in with people who are losing weight with you. No better network than teams. And all in all, if you really want that weight gone, and that relationship mended, stop blaming your parents. It doesn't even matter if it's actually their fault. They did a bad job teaching you how to have a relationship with food. Me too, us and half the country really. The mere fact that you know that means you know more about food relationships than they do. Now use that knowledge. If you want that healthy loving relationship with your mom (and/or dad), ask to go to family counseling. If they refuse then they've made it perfectly clear where their priorities are.

You are amazing. You've made a huge step by typing it out. I spent several years crying at my computer trying to compose a letter to my dad before I finally figured out how to express myself. That means you are strong. And by go you'll step up and over this hill, you'll climb that mountain and you'll sit on the top, successful and healthy. Whether or not your family joins you is on them, not you.

As my friend (coincidentally a GI patient) said about feeling no progress; "I weighed 400lbs. I'm down to 250lbs and I still turn sideways to get through doors that are obviously wide enough. That feeling takes a lot of time to change." You can do this. And the more you do the more your feelings will change, one day you'll buy a pair of smaller jeans and you won't have a muffin top and you'll feel like crying in the dressing room. You'll know.

laurie04427 · March 2014

When I told my mom I had lost 20 pounds over the course of a few months she told me that "no, that scale is broken. It's been acting weird for months. It's not right. You don't look like you lost 20 pounds."

It makes me sad she doesn't support you. I can't imagine a mom saying something intentionally mean (or unsupportive I guess is a better word) like that to be honest but I know it happens.

I would say don't expect anything out of her (like couragement or support) and maybe treat her like just another person in the world rather than a parent. She sounds toxic from what you've said.

Edit: I hadn't read the posts but the person above me hit the nail on the head.

Linnaea27 · March 2014

Others have said wonderful and insightful things about your emotional situation, so I don't think I have much to contribute there.

I do want to suggest that you research accurate models of scales and get yourself one. Although it sounds like a lot of your anxiety around this is related to family troubles, it might help a little to have your own private personal scale. You can even check it for accuracy with something like bags of flour or other heavy food items that have to be fairly precisely portioned as far as their weight goes. Maybe that would help you feel a little safer as far as the scale's accuracy goes?

Thinking about it a bit more-- I agree with others that when there is a toxic dynamic going on between a parent and an adult child, it helps to have space if you can get it, and think about your mother as a person separate from you, separate from your family, and what her motivations and issues are. Doing something like that has helped me a lot with issues with my mother (there were a few years when she and I went through some pretty appalling toxic behavior with each other), and is pretty essential to developing a more mature/adult relationship with your parents. It's super weird to realize that one's parents are just people separate from you, but it helps to deal with problems like this when you can see that.

SeanOtheDead · March 2014

I don't always see a big drop in actual weight when I do weigh-ins. But what i do do is take measurements every other week and I see much more progress through that. But no matter what, DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED. Doing SOMETHING to try to improve yourself is always ALWAYS better than NOTHING. And you should be proud of yourself for any move you make to better yourself. There is nothing phony about that.

thecolorteale · March 2014

As someone with similar maternal scars in my life, unfortunately everything any of us has to say is just words. It takes time and maturity (learning to tune it out etc) and other positive forces in your life to start to heal and build your armor against those sorts of things.
Someone above me mentioned space as being another thing and that is true. It's kind of like if you touch a stove top and it's hot, you're not going to keep touching it because it's injuring you. The same with a person, if they're injuring your mind you should step back. Obviously this is hard since it's your mother but you're doing something good for your body and your life and its hard enough as it is without extra walls in your way. (If all else fails move 800 miles away like I did

)

One of my favorite mini-series from BBC called "North & South" has a quote I try to remember and live by when someone's comments are bothering me.
"The truth is, that there are some men who raise themselves to be masters, while others will always seek to pull them down. That is the way of the world Ms. Hale, and there is nothing you or I can do about it."
There are plenty of people who will unfortunately try to drag you down to their level, they don't like someone to be better than them because they can't find any good in themselves.
Surround yourself with the people in the world who WANT you to do better. Make their voices be your "noise reducing headphones" for the rest of the world.

And also remember that weight isn't everything since muscle also has weight. Monitor your measurements, your muscle tone, monitor your blood pressure, your blood sugar, your cholesterol, praise yourself when those things improve. Praise yourself when you pick a healthy meal instead of the cheeseburger. Praise yourself when you push yourself in exercise and beat your own records. Praise yourself when you simply take the stairs instead of the elevator. Every step is a step regardless of how small.

lj5109 · March 2014

As someone with similar maternal scars in my life, unfortunately everything any of us has to say is just words. It takes time and maturity (learning to tune it out etc) and other positive forces in your life to start to heal and build your armor against those sorts of things.
Someone above me mentioned space as being another thing and that is true. It's kind of like if you touch a stove top and it's hot, you're not going to keep touching it because it's injuring you. The same with a person, if they're injuring your mind you should step back. Obviously this is hard since it's your mother but you're doing something good for your body and your life and its hard enough as it is without extra walls in your way. (If all else fails move 800 miles away like I did )

One of my favorite mini-series from BBC called "North & South" has a quote I try to remember and live by when someone's comments are bothering me.
"The truth is, that there are some men who raise themselves to be masters, while others will always seek to pull them down. That is the way of the world Ms. Hale, and there is nothing you or I can do about it."
There are plenty of people who will unfortunately try to drag you down to their level, they don't like someone to be better than them because they can't find any good in themselves.
Surround yourself with the people in the world who WANT you to do better. Make their voices be your "noise reducing headphones" for the rest of the world.

And also remember that weight isn't everything since muscle also has weight. Monitor your measurements, your muscle tone, monitor your blood pressure, your blood sugar, your cholesterol, praise yourself when those things improve. Praise yourself when you pick a healthy meal instead of the cheeseburger. Praise yourself when you push yourself in exercise and beat your own records. Praise yourself when you simply take the stairs instead of the elevator. Every step is a step regardless of how small.

The first instance with her comments about me not looking like I had lost any weight was about 4 years ago. I actually did move 700 miles away like you! College has given me that great opportunity to get my own space. I would say things with her have calmed down since I moved out, but when I do move home for breaks, summer/winter, things can get tense.

BKristoff · March 2014

So I don't normally comment but I want to branch out a little bit and I read your post and first off you can't let others effect you. Especially parents. It's hard, really hard, to not take the good and the bad. Nothing makes you feel worse than someone discrediting your hard work. But at the same time it's hard when you get comments and you know that you can do better or that you don't deserve them. But honestly, the fact that you care about your health and your fitness and your better well being is a huge win. If someone loses 100 pounds that's fantastic but if you lose 1 pound that is till fantastic. The problem with society, and me, is that we get so caught up in this notion that success is all about how many dress sizes you have lost or how many abs can be seen that we discredit 1, 10, 30, 100 pounds. I used to YO YO all the time because I would drop 100 pounds and not accept myself because I didn't have huge biceps and tight waist. The fact of all my rambling is that if you care about being healthy, that's a win. If you walk 10 min every other day, that's a win. Just the fact that you care is a win. Start with that and build on it. NOBODY can take away your success, even you. I know it's hard, especially when friends and family chime in, but it's ultimately your decision to be happy. Block the haters ; And the other thing is that if your struggling with weight loss then your body is telling you something. Maybe it's try a different exercise routine like pilates or yoga or running a few miles or maybe you need to change up your calories. Going to low can hurt you just as much as too high. Try a day where you go 200 calories over and the next day 200 calories under. Or try doing low carb high protein a few days a week. F*** the scale. Scale won't give you answers. Your body will. Listen to it. Or better yet pay 60 dollars to a reputable trainer to teach you something you never learned. I spent 3 months with a trainer and paid about 500 dollars. I could barely swing it. But I just did a few months and it has changed my life forever. The answer is out there 2 be found- The scale is not the answer. Good luck and keep up the good work.

RunMyOregonBunsOff · March 2014

I think it is time for you to try and focus on you and your journey and appriciate the good things your parents have done for you and look past the rest for now (unless you can see a psychologist to work through your issues). Your mom has made mistakes and she is doing the weightloss thing differently than you. It's not fair but it is life. getting caught up in that is just going to hold you back unless you let it fuel you. She will probably be jealous of you losing weight without having to go under the knife. That's her problem. Focus on your health and forget everything else. Try meditating 5 minutes a day. That might really help.

ME0172 · March 2014

I don't see myself as any different even though I've gone down 2 clothing sizes. When I look in the mirror I still see myself the same as I did 35 pounds ago. So I started taking progress pictures every 6 weeks and measurements. These show me more than pounds the progress I'm making.

Don't allow this negativity to get to you. Some people will never be capable of recognizing good things you do. It's unfortunate it's your mother, but she's human, and just may not be able to do it. My own sister in law wouldn't give a single complement after not seeing me for a year and I had lost 25 pounds. I knew I was smaller because others would tell me how great my weight loss was, and this person that was supposed to love me never uttered a work about it. It hurt, but I eventually came to realize it's her problem, not mine. Keep doing what you're doing for YOU. You don't need her recognition to validate it.

I feel like a phony.

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