New, Frustrated, and Depressed

Hi all.... 30/F.

I need to lose weight because I have back and knee issues and my weight is leading to a decline in my physical comfort and ability.....

14 years ago I had a bad horse related accident which set off a chain of muscle and back issues that eventually culminated in having a good part of my spine fused due to scoliosis ten years ago (Fused from T2-L1).

My weight got up to 180 in the year immediately following my surgeon as I went from very active (riding show horses, working at a farm, running 3 miles 4 days a week) to being very restricted while I healed. But I got that weight back off, got back to 150 lbs and looked darn good... My BMI was still "too high" but I was fit, strong, ribby and... well... kind of hot... LOL

But I let my family's concerns win out and moved into a retail job, and later a desk job. End of my being able to maintain a proper, healthy weight. I tried a few times to pick up exercise regimines but all eventually ended with chronic pain that led to stopping...

And for the past year, I have had a horse who is on his second major injury in that time, so I am not even able to ride on a near-daily basis (I don't trail ride- I ride saddle seat show horses, and that's actually not a half bad workout. Definitely gets you in the cardio department!). I am now chronically uncomfortable, and for the first time, feeling limited by my body. My spine was pretty much just totally immobile. One day I actually threw my neck out for a WEEK because I had a business lunch and had to look down the table to the left to pay attention to what the company president was saying.

At New Years, I was up to 197 lbs. A friend of mine has been telling me for years to try yoga. I went to the first class with her.. and I came home and just couln't believe the state I'd allowed my body to get to... Went home and just had a total meltdown.... it was a major wakeup call for me and since then, I have gone at least 5 days a week. For the past two weeks, I have gone every single day and this will continue through march as I am taking part in the 30 day challenge, a couple weeks ago I started taking some of the more challenging Vinyasa classes, and no slacking- I leave every class, whether flow or Vin, dripping with sweat. I have experienced some very positive changes. I'm getting a LOT of range of motion back in my spine- I'm actually more flexible and stronger than a lot of people who are thinner and have normal spines! I am not having nearly so much problem with my neck, and the chronic spasams I've had since I was 10 or 11 years old have been greatly reduced. Still struggling with knee issues though (tore them up trying to be a runner before my back surgery).

Medically, aside from the spinal fusion and being fat, and a couple real ugly years where I struggled with major anxiety and depression, I am generally healthy with the exception of an enlarged thyroid (originally found in 2009, my blood tests are holding steady in the lower end of the normal range, though thyroid disorders are rampant in my family on both my mother's and father's sides. Thyroid was ultrasounded and had more than a dozen small cysts. Specialist did not feel that biopsy was warranted)

My doctor put me on adipex to help control my appetite, the nurse that is "helping me meet my weightloss goals" says strict 1200 cal per day. No adjusting for exercise. It's not easy, but it's not the worst thing ever- pre diet, my *average* day was generally under 2000.... Not saying I didn't have days where it was more than that... but... not all the time.

I am lacto-ovo vegetarian. have been for 15 years and can't imagine going back. I eat 3 meals per day and try to make at least one snack happen, but snacking scares me as it's too easy to tack too many calories on .

I stalk every calorie that goes in my mouth, down to my damn gummy vitamins. I am working out as hard as I can without asking for a physical setback that might put me back to sitting on my butt doing nothing.

And... for working out 5x+ per week for 2.5 months, and absolutely sticking to a diet plan for the past month, no splurges, no cheat days, nothing- my biggest calorie day has been 1600 cal, and that was a day that I was at a horse show grooming and was on my feet all day from when we unloaded the horse at 7am and reloaded back up at 8pm.

And what do I have to show for it?

I've come down from 197 at new years to 191 a month ago just working out, no diet), to 186 and there I have sat for the past two weeks, including a rebound back up to 189....

I am finding the Adipex is making me very moody- like, exceptionally short fuse, and I'd been off it a couple days because I forgot the bottle at a friend's house.... And when I took it again, the first half of my day went really badly- I was sitting at my desk with tears just dripping. For NO REASON and I couldn't stop it.... But it is making eating 1200/day pretty doable.

I am getting very discouraged and slipping to the depressed end of the spectrum... I feel isolated because I can't do social things with my friends because they always involve eating food that tastes good and there's too much of.... . A guy asked me out last week for drinks and I am freaked out about doing that because... I know I'm going to want to eat food during the day, but need to leave calories for alcohol. And I don't want him to see me as neurotic with my calorie counting and inability to just eat food... I'm supposed to go out tomorrow for my mom and gram's birthdays to a Chinese buffet... And i can have a veggie stir-fry... but... I have no idea if they add oil when they make it or how many calories are *really* in that particular sauce.... I feel ****ty and guilty about every single thing I put in my mouth. And I wouldn't feel so bad if the scale would just nudge downward on occasion. I have an appointment with my doctor coming up and she's not gonna believe that I'm dieting and working out- because... well... surely someone who works out every day and is sticking to the diet should be ... well.... DROPPING SOME FREAKING WEIGHT. She's gonna want to know why I'm failing on my diet despite having my prescription for Adipex.