Feeling lost and a bit of a hypocrite. (warning long)
EternalStory
Posts: 3
Hi all Ive been hanging around the forums a bit so i decided to make an account. I need some advice... sorry If its too long for you, please skip through if you don't want to read.
It took me walking back from my favorite Greek restaurant to realize how much of a hypocrite I am. Every other day on Facebook I make statuses to my friends saying how you should love yourself and always put yourself and your happiness on a very high stool, yet while in the public eye I wear hoodies, and subconsciously try to hide my stomach from people. Im not kidding.... its like a relflex to me now, when I see strangers walking about or cars passing by I reach for the bottom of my jacket and pull it down, the sad part about it is, it doesn't go down over my stomach so im constantly grabbing at it. I cant help myself.... everyone I see, i feel like they are judging me for my weight and that they don't like or wont like me.
I looked at myself in the reflecting glass of the restaurant, and saw someone I no longer want to be. I am currently losing weight, but still the process is rather depressing. I called myself fat and dumpy, because Im short, and my fat makes me look well.. even fatter.
Ive been overweight ever since I was a young girl and due to bullying I must admit I am traumatized by it. Ive been told I stink, that I eat too much, I even had one guy say. " You are fat and ugly, why would anyone want you?" Those harsh words stuck with me till this day, and my self esteem is crumbling. That was over 6-7 years ago and im 22 going on 23 next month. Ive never had a job and still live with my mom, because Im so scared to leave the house. I lock myself up in my room and don't talk to anyone, because I have anxiety . Ive got major trust issues, due to a betrayal of a close girlfriend and only have ONE "true friend" but hes got his own issues to sort out.
I didnt realize to later, but most of my friendships and even a long distance relationship I had were based on emotional abuse. I let these people walk all over me, yet I stayed around because I felt like I had no one.
The only person who I could talk to about anything was my uncle, he was my father figure, because I didnt have a real relationship with my father. I resented him because he would try to bribe me to lose weight, I felt ashamed. I told him everything about me, and im sure hes the only one in the world who truly knows all about me. However.... he passed away last year and its left me devastated. I try not to think about it, but its all hit me today. I cant stop crying, I often read stories about girls my age or even younger dying, and Id ask myself "why did it have to be them? why couldn't it of been me?, I feel like a waste of space, and these others left impressions on that people that will never forget them.
Me, I dont open up enough for anyone to remember me, how can I when I dont trust?
Ive always had these feelings in me, but they didnt come full circle until after being used by my emotionally abusive ex over and over again. He was the first guy to ever like me, and I loved him for it. I did my best to keep him happy, but it was never enough. Turns out he cheated on me many times, and when we split apart runs to some girl and ditches me for months on end. He tried to comeback on a few weeks ago, but I promised myself and to god, that i wont take him back anymore. When I told him, he left again. He would call me names, and make me feel like i wasnt good enough, and I tried so hard to prove i was a good girlfriend.
Looking back on it i just shake my head.. I want to lose weight so badly I swear I do, but i lack motivation to exercise or keep it up. I have no support from anyone. My mom says things now and again, but nothing. I feel alone, the one person I could talk to is gone, and now im struggling to pick up the pieces of my damaged heart. On facebook I act like
so happy and confident in myself, but really Im just a shy timid girl who hates how she looks.
I look at other girls and get depressed. All of my female relatives have boyfriends, or children. Even the girls who bullied me are engaged and have beautiful children. Just like any other person in the world I yearn to be excepted and loved, I too wish to start a family and have children in my later years but i feel like it will never come because Im not good enough.
I want to lose weight not only to be healthy but to gain my confidence back in the process. As crazy as this sounds I wouldnt trade my body for the world because I was born with it, and ill have it for the rest of my life, its like s life partner of some sorts.. I just wish I could prove it by getting down to a healthy weight and taking care of myself more.. What to do?
It took me walking back from my favorite Greek restaurant to realize how much of a hypocrite I am. Every other day on Facebook I make statuses to my friends saying how you should love yourself and always put yourself and your happiness on a very high stool, yet while in the public eye I wear hoodies, and subconsciously try to hide my stomach from people. Im not kidding.... its like a relflex to me now, when I see strangers walking about or cars passing by I reach for the bottom of my jacket and pull it down, the sad part about it is, it doesn't go down over my stomach so im constantly grabbing at it. I cant help myself.... everyone I see, i feel like they are judging me for my weight and that they don't like or wont like me.
I looked at myself in the reflecting glass of the restaurant, and saw someone I no longer want to be. I am currently losing weight, but still the process is rather depressing. I called myself fat and dumpy, because Im short, and my fat makes me look well.. even fatter.
Ive been overweight ever since I was a young girl and due to bullying I must admit I am traumatized by it. Ive been told I stink, that I eat too much, I even had one guy say. " You are fat and ugly, why would anyone want you?" Those harsh words stuck with me till this day, and my self esteem is crumbling. That was over 6-7 years ago and im 22 going on 23 next month. Ive never had a job and still live with my mom, because Im so scared to leave the house. I lock myself up in my room and don't talk to anyone, because I have anxiety . Ive got major trust issues, due to a betrayal of a close girlfriend and only have ONE "true friend" but hes got his own issues to sort out.
I didnt realize to later, but most of my friendships and even a long distance relationship I had were based on emotional abuse. I let these people walk all over me, yet I stayed around because I felt like I had no one.
The only person who I could talk to about anything was my uncle, he was my father figure, because I didnt have a real relationship with my father. I resented him because he would try to bribe me to lose weight, I felt ashamed. I told him everything about me, and im sure hes the only one in the world who truly knows all about me. However.... he passed away last year and its left me devastated. I try not to think about it, but its all hit me today. I cant stop crying, I often read stories about girls my age or even younger dying, and Id ask myself "why did it have to be them? why couldn't it of been me?, I feel like a waste of space, and these others left impressions on that people that will never forget them.
Me, I dont open up enough for anyone to remember me, how can I when I dont trust?
Ive always had these feelings in me, but they didnt come full circle until after being used by my emotionally abusive ex over and over again. He was the first guy to ever like me, and I loved him for it. I did my best to keep him happy, but it was never enough. Turns out he cheated on me many times, and when we split apart runs to some girl and ditches me for months on end. He tried to comeback on a few weeks ago, but I promised myself and to god, that i wont take him back anymore. When I told him, he left again. He would call me names, and make me feel like i wasnt good enough, and I tried so hard to prove i was a good girlfriend.
Looking back on it i just shake my head.. I want to lose weight so badly I swear I do, but i lack motivation to exercise or keep it up. I have no support from anyone. My mom says things now and again, but nothing. I feel alone, the one person I could talk to is gone, and now im struggling to pick up the pieces of my damaged heart. On facebook I act like
so happy and confident in myself, but really Im just a shy timid girl who hates how she looks.
I look at other girls and get depressed. All of my female relatives have boyfriends, or children. Even the girls who bullied me are engaged and have beautiful children. Just like any other person in the world I yearn to be excepted and loved, I too wish to start a family and have children in my later years but i feel like it will never come because Im not good enough.
I want to lose weight not only to be healthy but to gain my confidence back in the process. As crazy as this sounds I wouldnt trade my body for the world because I was born with it, and ill have it for the rest of my life, its like s life partner of some sorts.. I just wish I could prove it by getting down to a healthy weight and taking care of myself more.. What to do?
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Replies
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This is a very good start. Feel free to add me as a friend, my friends are very supportive and motivated.0
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this is the first step......you have overcome such a hurdle already by just coming here and opening up about yourself.....you can do this!!!!....don't let anyone tell you that you can't.....feel free to add me.....I've been here a long time just under a different name.....:)0
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Thank you! I appreciate it
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Eat less and exercise more. The rest will follow.What to do?
And yes, it really is that simple.0 -
I understand where you are coming from. I have always been big and until very recently was over 300lbs. I do not follow a super strict diet plan I pretty much eat what I want just not as much as I did before. I have been taking baby steps with exercise and diet so I don't get too overwhelmed and scared. For now I just walk and use an old exercise bike I have and I try to do 40 minutes a day of some activity either walking or bike. I break up the time throughout the day sometimes and other times I will just do it all at once. That is the beauty of this site. We can all do it at our own pace.
As for feeling like you are not worth anything that is not true. Every person has worth even us fat ones! No one knows the struggles of another. I have friends that are thin and a couple that are big and they all have something about themselves that make them feel bad. One girl is so thin that she hurts all the time and can not gain weight. Her joints and bones hurt from lack of muscle to support them and it is truly painful. Another hates the big gap between her teeth and always feels like people are judging her for it. We all have something we do not like unless we are very lucky. Please do not give up! You can do it at your own pace and if you have a bad day just put it behind you and tell yourself that tomorrow is going to be a new day.0 -
First, thanks for your story. Sorry for your loss. Weight loss is a battle for many of us. It is too easy to let your outward appearance bring our spirits down. But our appearance doesn't define us! So don't let it define you! Before you can make the changes you want to make, you have to change your mindset. You have to believe you can do this! It's going to be hard! You will have setbacks! We are only human. Last year, I lost over 20 pounds. Then I slacked and ended up gaining all of it (+ a couple more) back. So I am at it again, hoping this time I will stick with it for the long-term. Make sure you establish some specific goals and plan how you want to get there. Add me to your FL and we can help each other realize our goals.0
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A few things:
1 - you really realize a lot a bout yourself which is a great first step
2 - DON'T COMPARE yourself to anyone. I do this all the time. My best friend is gorgeous, great job, blah blah blah. When she opens up she's got demons just like the rest of us. Everyone has struggles. Even people that seem happy with their body - or you think should be happy with it - may not be. You can't compare yourself to anyone in any aspect.
3 - The biggest thing that stuck out is you not wanting to trade your body for the world. You were born with it and it's yours forever. That's so true. The biggest thing we have is our health. Without it everything else can fall apart. Take care of hte body you have been given.
4 - HUGE - You NEED to believet hat you are worth it. if you don't believe that you are worth it you won't make the sacrifices necessary to make the changes that you want. Nobody else wants you to change or cares if youi do - you are the only one - again this applies to anybody. So many of us have emotionally abusive pasts, have been bullied, suffered through something, etc. This can make someone feel like you aren't worht it. But you are.
Remind yourself of that0 -
To start off I feel for you I really do, I was chunky in school and was made fun of a lot. But you just have to try and let that go people are dumb at all ages. You can trust you right? I will get better trust me, at one point I was at 230lbs and now I am 193lbs.. Was down to 180lbs for a while and went back to eating unhealthy food not working out... But I am back on the road of health and I have learned from my mistakes, as you will learn and get better.
Now there are a few things you can do to be healthier, if you like to read there is a great book by Jonathan Bailor actually he has a couple.. But he teaches about calories and eccentric exercise. It will get you motivated for sure. Also have you thought about juicing? You should watch the movie Fat,Sick and Nearly Dead by Joe Cross. I know it may be hard at first but sign up for a boot camp class of exercise group, look for a couch to 5k group walk/run with. Small steps is all you need to work on and the rest will fall into place, make sure to hang positive sayings around your mirror, in your purse, in front of the toilet and repeat them daily. What your mind thinks the body makes reality..
I hope this helps I have tons to say but you can do it and only person that matters on your journey is you, be selfish and and think of you first and positive relationships will form... You'll see now get out there and make it happen...;)0 -
Agreed! Sometimes, just opening up and being totally honest can be so freeing!!! It sounds like you love to encourage other people...that is a wonderful quality that not everyone has. I have also struggled with my weight for most of my life, but I feel like counting my calories on here is a postive step that I can do everyday. Yes, I get discouraged, but I am determined to keep it up and not give up. Just take small baby steps toward better health...those steps will also help you feel better about yourself. I will be glad to encourage you anytime...or just listen. Feel free to add me as a friend.0
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Honey, my first suggestion to you is that you NEED goals. Not just weight loss goals that are long term and will take time... but set some short term goals for yourself right now.
I speak from experience, having dealt with depression in my life. It is nothing to take lightly, but you can choose to move forward towards healing!
Decide on a GOAL for TODAY.
Then, look forward a bit and decide something you can do within a WEEK. Then a one month goal, as it becomes possible.
Just ONE step at a time.
First of all, you need your own personal income. It will make you feel so much better, about yourself, and about what you are capable of achieving.
Can you make a list of jobs available in your area, which you are physically capable of working? Look at jobs that you would find fairly easy to accomplish, at first. You can move up to something more challenging later! All we are looking for right now is a starting point.
Don't worry about what others might say. Any type of job will bring in a little spending money, and help you become more active in your life, and a little more "on task". It gives you a reason to get up and get going in the morning. I found just this one point, of a great help to me when I was going through down times. Just a reason to get up, pull myself together, and get started on my day! Volunteering is even a very good way to start something going on in your life, that you can care about!
The second point I'd like to make is that you are doing the right thing by ditching that boyfriend. Ditch him for good. Don't look back. Make goals for your life ahead and be the boss of your own life.
There is a lot more I could say, but those are the main points I'd like you to "hear". Whether it applies to your life the same as it did (and still does) mine, I can't say, but my theme is the same for anyone going through depression and down times... make some small goals for yourself and start something right now.
Start anything, right now, so you can feel alive, and feel like you have something to live for.0 -
The fact that you came on here and shared your story, your true thoughts and feelings, is so brave and something you should be proud of.
I've recently realized that this journey has to be a selfish one. I think the first step is to start telling yourself how awesome you are and how you're absolutely worth it. You'll start to realize that it's true, and it will motivate you to work hard and get to your goals. I think setting small goals along the way really helps because why shouldn't you celebrate every step of the way? You're accomplishing something!
Please feel free to add me as a friend. I'm here every day, and I would be happy to be a part of your support system.0 -
Hello, thank you for opening up and I hope it made you feel better. Join this site and log everyday ( good or bad) It is a motivating community and it reminds you of your goals which ever they are. We go through realisation fazes in life and that was one for you. Working out is hard at first but it helps being in a positive attitude mode. Give yourself the chance to start but don`t give up before it gets easier. I read this book Tom Venuto ( Shred the fat feed the muscle) The whole book is very motivating and a lot of the advice you got from others here are very good and a good part is in that book. It is not really your weight you need to work on , is your self estime, your well being. You will be able to achieve all that during the same journey, now it is a long journey that you have to take a day at a time. Don`t have unrealistic goals , make short term goals... They are very rewarding! Add me and my friends we are a motivating bunch!0
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I can totally relate to your sense of having no worth and of others being remembered and making an impact. I often feel that way...as if I will be forgotten, or am forgettable. It is a very difficult feeling to deal with, but you have to remember that every person has worth (though I would question that being applicable to murderers and other hard criminals). Your soul has worth. It is what is inside that is of most value, not what is physical. I think it will be very difficult for you to get motivated, until you like yourself enough to feel you deserve to be healthy and fit, which you do, of course. Joining here and posting, is a good start. Getting some supportive friends here is also a good start. But only you can make the step of actively working on changing your life into something that seems more bearable and enjoyable, and that is hard. I am there myself, with needing to make some big changes to get myself out of a giant rut. But you can do it. You have youth on your side, which is a positive.
Feel free to add me, if you would like support, or to message me for the same.0 -
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I hope you are able to gain strength from all of this!
But, I praise you very well for taking the first BIG step into this journey. I tell ya, it isn't an easy one thats for sure! You will slip and have those cheat days - heck, maybe even week! But that happens and its ok - just get right back up and continue on the good path!
Send me a request if you need anything We are all here for support! 0 -
It took a lot of guts to expose yourself like this. A lot of people here have very similar stories as you do. You are among friends. I'm lifting you up in prayer. I hope you stick around, and I hope this is a brand new beginning on the road to your most authentic, happy self!0
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You've taken the first steps! We never treat ourselves the way we should. Think like you are your own best friend for a moment. What would you say to her if she came to you with the same story? Would you call her names and hurt her feelings? Or would you give her a hug and tell her you've got her back and go for a walk with her? You'd never tell your best friend that she was too fat or lazy or stupid to do anything. You'd scour the classifieds to help her find a job, look for new workouts or classes she could take, find recipes she'd like to try. Treat her to an at-home mani/pedi. Do these things for yourself, you'll see results!0
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I get where you're coming from. And we all have our "broken records" (the bad things said to us that have stuck with us). Mine is "you're fat, you're ugly and you won't amount to anything". You did a brave thing by admitting your issues and by signing up on this.
Next steps - add people for support (feel free to add me), log everything (and I mean everything, the good, the bad and some days the truly ugly) and get moving (out of the house or inside the house, walk, exercise videos, etc).
It is as simple as "Eat Less, Move More". You are worth it!0 -
The past is set - We focus so often on the lows that we forget the highs. We can learn from the past but be aware when you are living in the past. You have immense potential (we all do). It sounds to me that you have come to a point where you are ready to start reclaiming your power - your life! It is great to see that you do see that there is value and potential within yourself. The baggage of the past will weigh you down - posting what you have here I hope has lessened the weight to a degree, your journey whether you want to call it your path or song has always been there it waits for you to find it and express it to the world. Be kind to yourself, embrace the extraordinary person who you are now - it is this person that has decided to make changes - this person has incredible strength and courage and is the person that will help you achieve what you value in life - this person is beautiful and is deserving of your love.0
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Thank you all for the kind words, Its just what I needed to keep going with my journey. I wasnt expecting so much feedback and it makes me so happy to see so many positive people cheering me on. Really from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. You've given me hope once more. 0
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Honey, my first suggestion to you is that you NEED goals. Not just weight loss goals that are long term and will take time... but set some short term goals for yourself right now.
I speak from experience, having dealt with depression in my life. It is nothing to take lightly, but you can choose to move forward towards healing!
Decide on a GOAL for TODAY.
Then, look forward a bit and decide something you can do within a WEEK. Then a one month goal, as it becomes possible.
Just ONE step at a time.
...
Start anything, right now, so you can feel alive, and feel like you have something to live for.
This, so much this. Write down some goals/dreams. Do they seem too hard to achieve? Then break them into smaller steps. Make those first steps your first goals. The best way to improve your self-esteem is to reach those goals. When you do, pat yourself on the back. Keep telling yourself that you can do it, because you can. Feel free to add me--I do my best to support my friends in their weight loss and other goals.
Oh, and on the exercise--I started, stopped, and started a million times. I think it has finally clicked this time, because I didn't wait for motivation, or time, or energy. I set a goal (walking a 5k), found a step by step program to get me in shape for it (yep, I was so out of shape I couldn't even walk a mile when I started), and did my best to follow it. Some weeks I didn't get all my workouts in, but I just did my best to keep on going. I did it, and it felt great. Now I am doing c25k, and loving the fact that I can run for the first time in my life.
tl:dr: you don't need motivation to exercise, you need determination. Pick a small, achievable goal, make a plan, then do it. Cheer, then set the next goal.0 -
The most important thing I learned this time around is "everything in moderation". In the past, I would lose 20 pounds in two months by giving up everything I wanted to eat and eating too little. Yeah, I would be proud of myself, but then remember how much I really wanted a cupcake or cheeseburger and totally go back to past habits and gain it back. This time I realized that I can have what I want (in moderation) and still lose. And this way the weight loss has stuck! Yes, I still have a lot to go, but never in the past have I kept this much off for this long of a time. And I don't feel deprived. Was it really this simple all along and I was just too stupid to realize it???
You can do it, too! Reading your post you know that you have to do it for yourself and that is very important. I still remember harsh words told to me from 20+ years ago. Those words really never go away, but their effect on me has definitely lessened.
Add me as a friend if you would like! I know you can do this and want to be around to share in your successes!0 -
Well done on sharing your story, it's the first step to getting help. I really feel for you and when you feel so alone it can make things so much harder. But you're not alone. This forum offers a lot of support to those who need it so make it a part of your life. Briefly, my advice would be:
-Get your weights and measurements now and know that if you really want to change your life, you will never see those numbers again!
-Set yourself a long-term goal and shorter, attainable goals with time frames to get there - often people fail when the goal they set is too big and overwhelming and they think they will never get there. So you might say, "this time next year I want to weigh 3 stone less, have taken up some exercise and met some new people" (or whatever) then break it down into monthly goals such as 'I'll go swimming twice a week every week this month' etc
-Don't cut anything out - cut down on unhealthy food, eat more veg and fruit, drink loads of water and find an exercise you enjoy (with some variety)
-Have you considered joining something like weight watchers? Not necessarily for the weight loss side but to meet people who are in the same situation as you and who could become friends
Finally, please don't be so hard on yourself. If you are posting motivating things onto facebook then that will be helping people even if you don't realise it. Make it your goal to follow your own advice! You are worth it and with hard work and determination and a little help from your MyFitness Pal friends you will get there!!
Good luck! xx0 -
Like everyone else has said, that realization and finding courage to share your story is a great firs step. I can pretty much relate to most things that you said, I was bullied in school for being fat even though looking back now I wasnt that big, I just was compared to everyone else. I am naturally quite well built and I have never been slim or healthy in my life - just over a month ago I reached my biggest point after going through a break up and a period of severe depression and anxiety. I have 2 best friends and thats it, one of them really helped me through the time. Things started to improve a little after I made the decision that enough was enough and that if I wanted to feel like I am worth something, then it is MY responsibilty to do something about it.
I have now lost 12lbs and feel amazing, its not an obvious loss but that sense that I can actually acheive something is priceless. Use all your negative thoughts and all the negative things people have said as motivation - this is one of my biggest motivators, or it was at the start - now I genuinely love the feeling that I am being healthy and the high you can get after a good workout.
Also, dont ever forgot the other little victories you acheive like clothes feeling looser, people noticing youve lost weight! You should write these down and read them when you feel de-motivated. Also, if you dont have pinterest, I realllllly recomend creating one and making an inspiration board - this has helped me more than anything.
Sorry for writing so much, feel free to add me if you like and good luck! :>0 -
You've taken the first step by coming here. The next step is to change your mind. When I read your story, what stuck out to me is the need to be loved by comesone other than yourself. You seem to NEED a man to be happy and feel important and your standards are set pretty low. You need to love yourself, no matter what you look like, before anyone else can. You need to accept who you are and then lock that feeling in the forfront of your mind so that you always know it's there and can refer back to it when you're feeling down. Next, you should make a list of the all the you like about yourself. Dig deep so it's not a short list. Then make a list of all the things you'd like to change and how you can accomplish those changes. Make it like a checklist and hang them both up on a mirror or something you use everyday. On that checklist, place a reward next to each item you'd like to change as that will be your goal. Post both lists somewhere you'll see them everyday. Give yourself a year. Did I mention...post the lists where you can see them every day. These will be your reminders. Buy a bikini, or something that you'd like to wear in a year, and hang it up where you can see it everyday. This will be your motivation. When you make yourself happy, everyone else will fall in line. Be strong and stick to it. In time you'll be able to ignore the people who dog on you and surround yourself with people who care and want to help. Give it a year and POST THE LISTS!!! You can do this!!!0
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Wow...you really took a huge step in sharing your story. That takes an immense amount of courage! How did you find that courage?You walked home from the restaurant. Well done! You post uplifting and motivating comments and pictures for people. It sounds like you care a lot. You are currently losing weight. That's fantastic! How are you doing that? You have one true friendship and you had a beautiful relationship with your uncle. What is your part in making those relationships work? You recognized that your relationship with your ex wasn't good for you and you kept your promise to yourself to not take him back. Wow! How did you do that? You really opened up by posting here today. That must have been challenging when you find it hard to trust. Amazing work! You wouldn't trade your body for the world. That sounds like love to me. What makes you feel that way about yourself? What is the smallest easiest thing you feel like you could do today to get to where you want to be? :flowerforyou:0
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