Hi I am new- sort of

Good Morning:

I signed up on here months ago, but wasn't in a good place to begin this. I was in a dead end office job(I am not an office person at all), in severe scary debt, suffering from depression/anxiety- made worse during PMS(I take meds for this now), eating for stress or sadness, and because food just taste good to be honest, I was tired, feeling lost. Granted, I knew where I wanted to be, but was trying to decide if I could even get there, belonged there, or had what it took to get there.
I did not grow up overweight, I spent my teens with an amazing body, I worked out, I partied, dated, was pretty well liked, however, looking back I was somewhat lost then too, but it wasn't until my twenties that I hit a low with everything. The thirties would prove worse in some ways up until, honestly, this past year. I definitely had a daddy complex but did not know it- my bio dad abandoned me when I was 7, and my step dad was an alcoholic. The trouble- I sought love from all of the wrong men or even worse I sought my worth from men in my twenties/some of my thirties. Two kids, many relationships later, and countless ups and downs, a year in Dallas(worst decision everrr), and a college degree- I am now in a good place. That is it- very long story made very short . Sometimes I don't know how I got here- I can't believe I made it(two very abusive relationships), I have always pushed through I guess- suicide came to mind a few times(I won't lie- 2nd marriage in disarray- 2004- horrible year, but couldn't do it-stayed strong for kids). However, this past year has been such a transition and stressful in many ways, oh and let me add that about a year prior I was in a depression from another bad relationship failed. and feeling guilt as a mother(seriously it was raining guilt)- I ate and ate and ate and ate. It got so bad I could barely walk- I have never been that bad off. I am about 5'5 and I would say I got to 200 lb. I always thought stuff like not being able to walk or the pain was for people who were much heavier- nope- for me it was horrible. After getting just a few pounds off it has made an amazing difference!

So the transition- I was at the dead end office job- in the restroom(TMI- yeah but it is relevant), and I was staring at the toilet paper because 1. I was using the restroom and 2. It was my job to change the ladies tp. I thought to myself "What in the hell am I doing, what have I done to my life and my kid's?!" ..."I have a degree, I don't have to do this".....it was as if a veil lifted literally and I could see everything I needed to see. It wasn't enough to make me get in shape.... yet-....I knew I needed to but it wasn't time. I went for my career change first and then BAM with my step-dad's encouragement(he had been sober 17 years at this point) I went for it- Teaching. I made my dream come true. However, the burden of debt laid heavy on me. I was in a new job, debt heavy still, training, going to classes...you get it.....I was still using food and excuses to fuel me...at the same time...feeling worse.

This is what I would do in my sort of small town- I would literally HIDE from people I knew so that they couldn't see me! For example, I would play hide N seek and just pray they would not seek me lol. I remember being in Walgreens and saw some guy I knew from high school and my party days, but he didn't see me- I literally was crazy and went to opposite aisles just so he wouldn't see me until I was sure he left and then I came out of hiding- wow- who does that. It gets better- If I wanted to go eat at the local Mexican food place(I live in Texas- they are on every corner) then I would pray I would not see someone I knew or get the corner booth(not as easy to see)- how sad- talk about isolation/petty/embarrassment/caring too much about what other think. Fast forward to now- finances in control, working out and loving it(for me), I walk into the gym, the store, Mexican food place with my head held high these days and I am def not at my goal- far from it still. I get to take my kids with me to the gym and that rocks(they are 11 and 15 and work out too!), I eat healthy and I do not exclude any food groups- it works for me, I love teaching and I can not imagine sitting behind a desk all say again everrr, I still have debt(mainly medical but I am a single mom so I have come to the conclusion I will do what I can and live with it), I have opted not to date until my 11 year is maybe 18- I know it sounds harsh but I have my reasons. Honestly I need counseling when it comes to men because I don't know my boundaries or I lose sight of them is more like it.
On the plus side - none of us are alone-women or men. We have all struggled, obtained success and failure, but we have all endured and all want to realistically have happy lives that are healthy. Nice to meet you all!