Need Some Support

Last year, because of an illness, I weighed 90lbs. I now am back at my high weight of 160. Even though I understand that 90lbs is not healthy, and I needed to gain the weight back for positive reasons, I am still having a hard time being able to remember what it felt like and looking at pictures of myself and seeing what I wish I looked like.

What's really hard is I have Completely overhauled my diet, cut out pop, chips, fast food, bleached sugars, etc.

But since my Crohn's disease is as close to remission as I've ever been, my body hasn't changed a bit. It's awful to say, but I miss being able to eat whatever I want without gaining weight, even though I was sick the whole time. But in my heart (not my mind, I know better but) I feel like the pain is worth being comfortable with myself.

The worst part is though, when I was 90 lbs I WASN'T comfortable with myself... I still felt as fat as ever (Thanks body dysmorphia!).

Nope, The really worst part is, my symptoms are increasing and I am not as upset as I should be. It's like that disease when you fall in love with your kidnapper... My disease is the worst part about my life, but I feel like without it, I have nothing to define me... since I've been sick since I was 15 with no breaks...

There is no real solution, I just feel like I'm the only person struggling with this (even though I know better about that too). I'm just at the end of my rope, and can't hold on much longer.