*ahem* bedroom issues?

copselily
copselily Posts: 117
in Motivation and Support
Yay, slightly embarrassing topic! :blushing: But I do need your help...

Does anyone else struggle with intimacy because of how they feel about their body? I know maybe everyone feels self-conscious sometimes, but I feel that bad that I can't even stand to have my partner touch my body in a sensual way, even if it's somewhere non-sexual for e.g. my arm. I'm not sure if this would change when I reached my goal weight or not. It doesn't make me feel good to think that my partner finds my body attractive, I find it impossible to believe that anyone would be attracted to me at all.

I also feel very triggered when people openly talk about their sex lives or I come across an erotic pic on a website or something. It makes me feel humiliated and ashamed of myself and like I should go and run a few miles on a treadmill or something. Is there a name for this, or anything that can help me? It's quite destructive and makes me depressed, and I don't want my weight loss/fitness goals to come from a place of hatred towards myself. Any help would be greatly appreciated, I have no idea why this happens to me! :drinker: :heart:

Replies

  • makingamiracle
    makingamiracle Posts: 41 Member
    Are you a good person? Or do you at least try to be one?

    That sounds like a ridiculous question. But it is not. If you are a good person, or try to be one, you should learn to love yourself AS YOU ARE. That doesn't mean that you ACCEPT yourself as you are without trying to improve things about you. But if you are a good person or try to be a good one, you are perfect and deserve to be loved whether you weigh 115 pounds, 145 pounds, or 345 pounds.

    You will only be able to accept the love and affection from another person when you truly believe and feel that you are worthy of receiving it.
  • GertrudeHorse
    GertrudeHorse Posts: 646 Member
    It sounds like you may have some form of Body Dysmorphia. Changing yourself physically won't magically cure any psychological issues you have. I would suggest visiting a therapist and working on loving your body.
  • copselily
    copselily Posts: 117
    Are you a good person? Or do you at least try to be one?

    That sounds like a ridiculous question. But it is not. If you are a good person, or try to be one, you should learn to love yourself AS YOU ARE. That doesn't mean that you ACCEPT yourself as you are without trying to improve things about you. But if you are a good person or try to be a good one, you are perfect and deserve to be loved whether you weigh 115 pounds, 145 pounds, or 345 pounds.

    You will only be able to accept the love and affection from another person when you truly believe and feel that you are worthy of receiving it.

    No I don't think I'm worthy.

    I totally agree with everything you have said, and would probably say the same thing to anyone who spoke to me with this kind of problem, but for some reason it's extremely difficult to apply it to myself.
  • moya_rargh
    moya_rargh Posts: 1,473 Member
    Yep. Haven't been near anybody in over a year and shy away because I don't feel worthy. Like the OP, training is the only time I don't feel ashamed of myself.
  • copselily
    copselily Posts: 117
    Yep. Haven't been near anybody in over a year and shy away because I don't feel worthy. Like the OP, training is the only time I don't feel ashamed of myself.

    I wish there was something I could say to you that would make it all better! :flowerforyou:
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
    It is amazing how I have friends who are 100 pounds heavier than me and they are 'sexy'.

    Me I am 128 or so, wear size 8 or even 6 pants, small shirt........I get TOLD I have a nice figure...........by MEN for crying out loud, and I do not believe them. I figure it is for ulterior motives.

    Silly I am sure. I have worked hard to lose over 40 pounds. Struggled through divorce, illness, heart surgery and depression and still do not see what others see in the mirror.

    If you can get therapy for this do so. I say this because I remember thinking "If I could just lose xyz pounds I would feel pretty"

    Guess what?:ohwell:
  • Eleonora91
    Eleonora91 Posts: 688 Member
    I'm very young, so I may lack of first hand experience, but this happens to me too. I feel embarassed and ashamed of doing everything that normal people would do... Losing weight didn't help. I've always been insecure about myself, and I think it comes from your brain, not from your body. I am learning to do everything because I want to have a happy life, but it's hard. I think you should talk to a therapist about this, if you're concerned about what to do. These kinds of thoughts were stronger for me when I was suffering from depression and I reckon that I'm still dealing with the aftermaths. It gets better in time, but you need to fix your self perception, and learn how to love yourself again.
  • LC458
    LC458 Posts: 300 Member
    I'm very young, so I may lack of first hand experience, but this happens to me too. I feel embarassed and ashamed of doing everything that normal people would do... Losing weight didn't help. I've always been insecure about myself, and I think it comes from your brain, not from your body. I am learning to do everything because I want to have a happy life, but it's hard. I think you should talk to a therapist about this, if you're concerned about what to do. These kinds of thoughts were stronger for me when I was suffering from depression and I reckon that I'm still dealing with the aftermaths. It gets better in time, but you need to fix your self perception, and learn how to love yourself again.

    Beautiful and incredibly wise words for someone so young. You just spoke to not just the OP but to me too and I really appreciate that.
  • Eleonora91
    Eleonora91 Posts: 688 Member
    I'm very young, so I may lack of first hand experience, but this happens to me too. I feel embarassed and ashamed of doing everything that normal people would do... Losing weight didn't help. I've always been insecure about myself, and I think it comes from your brain, not from your body. I am learning to do everything because I want to have a happy life, but it's hard. I think you should talk to a therapist about this, if you're concerned about what to do. These kinds of thoughts were stronger for me when I was suffering from depression and I reckon that I'm still dealing with the aftermaths. It gets better in time, but you need to fix your self perception, and learn how to love yourself again.

    Beautiful and incredibly wise words for someone so young. You just spoke to not just the OP but to me too and I really appreciate that.

    Thank you :flowerforyou: I wish I could explain myself better, but it's always hard to sound reasonable while talking about feelings. Good luck :heart:
  • copselily
    copselily Posts: 117
    It is amazing how I have friends who are 100 pounds heavier than me and they are 'sexy'.

    Me I am 128 or so, wear size 8 or even 6 pants, small shirt........I get TOLD I have a nice figure...........by MEN for crying out loud, and I do not believe them. I figure it is for ulterior motives.

    Me too actually, I never really thought of it that way. I don't really apply these principles to anyone but myself...I mean, I think it really doesn't matter what size I was, I'd still feel the same.
  • copselily
    copselily Posts: 117
    I'm very young, so I may lack of first hand experience, but this happens to me too. I feel embarassed and ashamed of doing everything that normal people would do... Losing weight didn't help. I've always been insecure about myself, and I think it comes from your brain, not from your body. I am learning to do everything because I want to have a happy life, but it's hard. I think you should talk to a therapist about this, if you're concerned about what to do. These kinds of thoughts were stronger for me when I was suffering from depression and I reckon that I'm still dealing with the aftermaths. It gets better in time, but you need to fix your self perception, and learn how to love yourself again.

    Thanks so much! I feel like I'm in the same boat.

    I think I've been avoiding the therapist route because it's not a topic I'd find easy to talk about. This post is the first time I've mentioned it in my entire life and I was curious as to see whether or not I was alone in feeling this way.
  • ComradeTovarich
    ComradeTovarich Posts: 495 Member
    OP, it sounds to me like you should find someone to talk about your issues with. It can really help to find the root of the "unworthiness" you're feeling with. I'd honestly find a professional to speak to. I can't say that I've suffered from the exact same, but talking with someone really helped me in the past.
  • Amandawith3kids
    Amandawith3kids Posts: 367 Member
    therapy does wonders. i would not be on this earth if it wasnt for good therapy.

    you cant be loved if you dont love yourself first. and its not being selfish. i cant say i've ever shied away fro intimate moments, its too much fun, but i've looked at myself and thought bad things. got married.. saw my wedding pictures, and finally finally saw what my hubby sees, then beat myself up because it took "all that" to get me to see it, and how was i supposed to do "all that" every day? it's taken a long time. i got married 8 years ago, and i still struggle.

    hugs. you are not alone.
  • ZozoMonster
    ZozoMonster Posts: 270 Member
    I've lost 3 stone - gone from a size 16 to a size 8 - and still feel **** about my body. I'm always self concious, when I'm fully dressed or in the bedroom. I still can't stand being seen fully naked. It makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.
  • kr3851
    kr3851 Posts: 994 Member
    I, like most girls, had body issues growing up. Yes, I was (and still am!) the fat girl. Now I really don't care what other people think. How did I change? It might not be this simple for you, but for me, I made a conscious choice to do these things:

    1. Spend 5 minutes each morning just staring at my face in the mirror. Not saying anything, just looking. Face only.
    2. Spend 15 minutes each day being naked. This was possible because I lived alone, but you may not be able to do this. The 15 minutes I usually spent doing everyday things - watching TV, folding washing.
    3. Only buy and wear clothes that make me feel good.
    4. Stop putting myself down in public. This included statements and thoughts.
    5. Thinking of one positive for every day, that was body related.

    I needed to be comfortable in my own skin and stop looking for the flaws all the time. The old saying 'you can't love someone until you love yourself' was really present for me during this time. I reckon it took about 3 months before these things became habits, just like changing a workout routine or a food habit. I'm not sunshine and daisies all the time about my body now, but I certainly appreciate it for the things it can do!
  • BigVeggieDream
    BigVeggieDream Posts: 1,101 Member
    Me I am 128 or so, wear size 8 or even 6 pants, small shirt........I get TOLD I have a nice figure...........by MEN for crying out loud, and I do not believe them. I figure it is for ulterior motives.

    As a guy, I can tell you that maybe some of them have ulterior motives, but not all. The most important thing is, motive or not, they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. This is a generalization, but men are visual creatures and they wouldn't say that to a person they do not find attractive, unless perhaps it was a wife, mother, sister or daughter.
  • copselily
    copselily Posts: 117
    I, like most girls, had body issues growing up. Yes, I was (and still am!) the fat girl. Now I really don't care what other people think. How did I change? It might not be this simple for you, but for me, I made a conscious choice to do these things:

    1. Spend 5 minutes each morning just staring at my face in the mirror. Not saying anything, just looking. Face only.
    2. Spend 15 minutes each day being naked. This was possible because I lived alone, but you may not be able to do this. The 15 minutes I usually spent doing everyday things - watching TV, folding washing.
    3. Only buy and wear clothes that make me feel good.
    4. Stop putting myself down in public. This included statements and thoughts.
    5. Thinking of one positive for every day, that was body related.

    I needed to be comfortable in my own skin and stop looking for the flaws all the time. The old saying 'you can't love someone until you love yourself' was really present for me during this time. I reckon it took about 3 months before these things became habits, just like changing a workout routine or a food habit. I'm not sunshine and daisies all the time about my body now, but I certainly appreciate it for the things it can do!

    Thank you! I totally agree, especially with not putting yourself down in public or to other people. It's all about respecting yourself even if you don't particularly like where you're at right now. Despite all of this I still believe that lifestyle changes (particularly weight loss and fitness) should come from a place of self love and respect. There's no point "hating" yourself thin.
  • kr3851
    kr3851 Posts: 994 Member
    I, like most girls, had body issues growing up. Yes, I was (and still am!) the fat girl. Now I really don't care what other people think. How did I change? It might not be this simple for you, but for me, I made a conscious choice to do these things:

    1. Spend 5 minutes each morning just staring at my face in the mirror. Not saying anything, just looking. Face only.
    2. Spend 15 minutes each day being naked. This was possible because I lived alone, but you may not be able to do this. The 15 minutes I usually spent doing everyday things - watching TV, folding washing.
    3. Only buy and wear clothes that make me feel good.
    4. Stop putting myself down in public. This included statements and thoughts.
    5. Thinking of one positive for every day, that was body related.

    I needed to be comfortable in my own skin and stop looking for the flaws all the time. The old saying 'you can't love someone until you love yourself' was really present for me during this time. I reckon it took about 3 months before these things became habits, just like changing a workout routine or a food habit. I'm not sunshine and daisies all the time about my body now, but I certainly appreciate it for the things it can do!

    Thank you! I totally agree, especially with not putting yourself down in public or to other people. It's all about respecting yourself even if you don't particularly like where you're at right now. Despite all of this I still believe that lifestyle changes (particularly weight loss and fitness) should come from a place of self love and respect. There's no point "hating" yourself thin.

    Totally! It's much easier to work on your body when it's coming from a place of 'I deserve this' rather than 'I f*cking hate myself and have to get rid of this'.
  • RunMyOregonBunsOff
    RunMyOregonBunsOff Posts: 862 Member
    I feel pretty much the same as your first paragraph and to some extent how you do with the second but not as much. One thing that helps me is to find at least one thing that I do like about myself. For me, it started with my forearms...weird, I know. For you, it could be something as simple as your left eye. As I make progress, I find other things that I like about myself. I try to keep reminding myself to appreciate the things I like and not focus on all the other stuff. I am now to a point where I only cringe and feel a little sick when my husband touches my stomach or sides for the most part. Someday, I hope to move past that.

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