Swiftly losing control.

I will try to keep this brief and succinct.

I am a nursing student, I work two jobs (one as a barista and one as a ghost writer from time to time; I have to work, it is not an option - trust me, if it were, I wouldn't work), and I work out regularly without fail doing SL 5 x 5 and eating accordingly.

I have always been a confident person. I made mostly A's and performed better than most of my classmates during my pre-reqs before nursing school, was confident in the work I did (doing a different job than those listed above), and have always made good choices when it came to eating and exercising (though I didn't do SL before). I was always on top of things, even with being very busy. It was just the way of life as a busy college student and I owned it proudly.

I started nursing school last September as giddy as ever and am now finishing up my second quarter (my final is tomorrow). I did well my first quarter, managing a 4.0. I started my two new jobs at the beginning of this current quarter, so I had much to learn all around, both academically and professionally. I then started reading about SL and how to eat properly. I had a lot on my plate to teach myself.

This quarter was much, much different. Suddenly things got very complicated in school very quickly. We were going through tougher subjects like acid-base imbalances, fluids and electrolytes, lab values, etc. On top of this, I had lengthy clinicals, was learning how to make drinks and perform my various job duties as a barista, taking in the occasional writing task, working out, eating right, cooking my meals and cleaning up afterwards, and still trying to keep my apartment from looking like a complete bomb went off. I was lucky if I even got a load of clothes in the washer, let alone having them actually be folded and put away.

Everything became disorganized. I started to score just passing grades on quizzes and on my midterm. I was turning in assignments late and missing class. I find myself procrastinating a lot to study. I was messing up orders at work because I got behind from the surge of customers or I absent mindedly forgot how to make a certain drink. I was needlessly making messes by dropping milk or over-estimating how much the cup could handle of liquid. I spent a lot of time apologizing at work. I would be moody and feeling anxious all the time.

Every quarter, we have to take a math quiz and get a 100% on it. If you get a 99.9%, you fail. You only have one other chance to take it to get a 100%. If you fail it twice, you are given a learning contract, which you only get one for the entire time you're in the program. It basically says you have a learning deficiency in a certain area that needs improvement and that you acknowledge it. When you get one, you can still move on with your class as usual but you can't mess up again or you will be held back a quarter to move on with another class. I failed it twice, so after my final tomorrow I will be sitting down to sign my contract. I am the only one in my class who couldn't handle it.

I have been enjoying SL but still don't have the form right. I have been eating relatively well until last night and today where I binged. I made a cake that costs an enormous amount of calories and since making it I've already had three pieces which equates to over 3000 calories. All of this done right after posting a successful photo comparison NSV in the Success Stories section. I have never felt so ashamed of eating in my life.

I am not bad at math. I am not disorganized. I am not a bad worker. I do not binge. In fact, I do not bake things at home so as to avoid that exact scenario. I do not do sub-par in school. I do not get learning contracts. I do not minimally pass midterms. I do not procrastinate. I am not late. I care very much about becoming a nurse and have worked incredibly hard to be in the position I'm in. My actions that I'm displaying lately are not me.

I find myself feeling incredibly inadequate lately, just trying to manage to make it through another day. Am I a good enough student? A good enough worker? Am I eating how I should? Working out as I should? Am I doing enough to reach my fitness goals? Is my body progressing how it should? Do I deserve to be a nurse? Am I smart enough to handle this program? Confidence has been ripped away from me and I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel in my class. Now I have to be extremely cautious, especially when the quarterly math quiz comes around. I cannot bear to make a mistake again and not be able to move on with my class as they are some of the most amazing people I have had the privilege of spending most of my time with. I will be utterly crushed if this were to happen to me.

I have lost all sense of control in my life and I have desperately been grasping at straws to put it all back together in a way that makes sense. Perhaps I took on too many new things at once, and this is the resulting stress getting to me. All I know is that I feel like I have lost myself, and that I'm simply overwhelmed. I hope that as time goes on, things will improve and I will start to be able to handle everything again.

Thank you for reading. I will go study for my final now. I have a 90% in the class going into it, so I am not worried about my final grade too much for the quarter. Regardless of that fact, I just worry that I won't remember enough to do well on it. It is very difficult for me to accept grades that are below 90%.