How to help a loved one lose weight?
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michellewong699
Posts: 98 Member
My boyfriend and I take a lot pride in looking good. When we go out, we make a big deal of dressing well and looking well-groomed.
Over the past year, my boyfriend has taken on many new responsibilities. He is so busy, that he doesn't even have the time for sleep nor does he have the time to see his other friends anymore. He sleeps maybe 2 hours one day, 3 hours the next, and once a week, he has a relatively free day that he spends sleeping and resting (~8 hours).
Apart from feeling like he has let his friends down and running on such little sleep, he has steadily gained weight. He is 50lb heavier than when we first started dating and he genuinely feels bad about it. He feels stuck because he wants to lose this weight, but he doesn't have the time or energy to consistently work out. His eating habits are not that great -- he eats whatever is readily available which means some fruit, some juice, cereal, and lots of other carbs (bagels etc.). He also spends a lot of time on the road, so he gets fast food very frequently. He recognizes that he needs to eat better, but finds it hard to do. He has asked me for help in planning meals for him, so I am going to start cooking for him and packing food that he can portion and store away (it will still be 'readily available' so it will make things easier for him). I'm really happy and proud of him that he has realized his food habits are factoring into his weight gain and also that he can ask me for help about something so sensitive for him.
The main question here is, how can I motivate him to find the time to move more? Also, what are some exercises that he can do that won't take up so much time and won't be so intense that he is wiped out/sore for the next couple of days?
I feel a little inadequate because I help strangers and friends set up personal exercise/nutrition routines, but I don't want to change the relationship dynamic with my boyfriend. I don't want to overstep my boundary and start suggesting that he should "do this exercise, blah blah" without him directly asking for help. I know from personal experience with him that it is not the way to motivate him and he will just end up feeling worse about himself.
I recently told him that I have fallen off the wagon with exercise myself -- I am not working out as consistently as I used to or would like to. When I told him that, he mentioned he wanted help for meal planning. We had to cut the conversation short because he had things to do, but I think that's a good step. I am hoping that I can ask him to work out with me maybe every other day to help ME get things back in routine. The best way to motivate him is to make him think that it's his idea and also to make him feel like he's making a difference in someone else's life (in this case, mine).
I apologize for the length of this post, but I truly am a little confused. I feel stuck right along with him because I want to help so badly, but this is something that I can't push. I must find a delicate way to motivate him without making him feel bad about himself. Any suggestions or even words of encouragement would help! I really want to make sure I'm approaching this the right way.
Over the past year, my boyfriend has taken on many new responsibilities. He is so busy, that he doesn't even have the time for sleep nor does he have the time to see his other friends anymore. He sleeps maybe 2 hours one day, 3 hours the next, and once a week, he has a relatively free day that he spends sleeping and resting (~8 hours).
Apart from feeling like he has let his friends down and running on such little sleep, he has steadily gained weight. He is 50lb heavier than when we first started dating and he genuinely feels bad about it. He feels stuck because he wants to lose this weight, but he doesn't have the time or energy to consistently work out. His eating habits are not that great -- he eats whatever is readily available which means some fruit, some juice, cereal, and lots of other carbs (bagels etc.). He also spends a lot of time on the road, so he gets fast food very frequently. He recognizes that he needs to eat better, but finds it hard to do. He has asked me for help in planning meals for him, so I am going to start cooking for him and packing food that he can portion and store away (it will still be 'readily available' so it will make things easier for him). I'm really happy and proud of him that he has realized his food habits are factoring into his weight gain and also that he can ask me for help about something so sensitive for him.
The main question here is, how can I motivate him to find the time to move more? Also, what are some exercises that he can do that won't take up so much time and won't be so intense that he is wiped out/sore for the next couple of days?
I feel a little inadequate because I help strangers and friends set up personal exercise/nutrition routines, but I don't want to change the relationship dynamic with my boyfriend. I don't want to overstep my boundary and start suggesting that he should "do this exercise, blah blah" without him directly asking for help. I know from personal experience with him that it is not the way to motivate him and he will just end up feeling worse about himself.
I recently told him that I have fallen off the wagon with exercise myself -- I am not working out as consistently as I used to or would like to. When I told him that, he mentioned he wanted help for meal planning. We had to cut the conversation short because he had things to do, but I think that's a good step. I am hoping that I can ask him to work out with me maybe every other day to help ME get things back in routine. The best way to motivate him is to make him think that it's his idea and also to make him feel like he's making a difference in someone else's life (in this case, mine).
I apologize for the length of this post, but I truly am a little confused. I feel stuck right along with him because I want to help so badly, but this is something that I can't push. I must find a delicate way to motivate him without making him feel bad about himself. Any suggestions or even words of encouragement would help! I really want to make sure I'm approaching this the right way.
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Replies
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I think baby steps are important.
And first things first…he needs to somehow make sleep a priority. My husband works a lot and sometimes his first off, it is a day of rest. I can't blame him.
Once sleep is in place, I'm sure he will feel more like meal planning or exercising.
IMO, he can still make decent choices even eating fast food. So if he has to eat fast food for a while right now, so be it.
My schedule is insane for about 4 months of the year and it includes quite a few "gas station" meals. I try to do a fruit, some nuts, and a protein bar. And LOTS of water.
Life happens. He can't beat himself up over it…
But I definitely think sleep is the first priority.0 -
I think baby steps are important.
And first things first…he needs to somehow make sleep a priority. My husband works a lot and sometimes his first off, it is a day of rest. I can't blame him.
Once sleep is in place, I'm sure he will feel more like meal planning or exercising.
IMO, he can still make decent choices even eating fast food. So if he has to eat fast food for a while right now, so be it.
My schedule is insane for about 4 months of the year and it includes quite a few "gas station" meals. I try to do a fruit, some nuts, and a protein bar. And LOTS of water.
Life happens. He can't beat himself up over it…
But I definitely think sleep is the first priority.
I completely agree with you, and I really appreciate the gas station meal advice! I'll be sure to pass that off to him.
I have expressed to him how I think sleep is really important and that overloading your day and putting off sleep is like "one step forward and two steps back". I have even gotten personally upset at this before, but that's not constructive. I don't know how else to make him see sleep is important. In the end, it's his life and I can't do much more other than tell him how I feel.0 -
The main thing that motivates my lazy butt to get moving is to be able to eat more calories. Maybe if you set him up on MFP and established that he could eat everything you packed in one bag that day with no exercise. Then add some snacks in, separately labeled with exercise he would have to do to offset eating it. He'd just have to commit to watching his diet to lose weight. You would be doing the time consuming part of logging, preparing and labeling for him. Maybe that would at least get him started. It sounds like he's way over committed in his time. For his health he should drop something to make more time for sleep, at least, or he'll really burn out.0
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He cannot sustain life on 2-3 hours sleep per day.
His weight should come secondary to not dropping dead from exhaustion.0 -
If he travels a lot he might want to check in to a set of resistance bands...they are easy to pack in to a suitcase. There are lots of videos on youtube with different exercises.0
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He needs to find a reason why... Sounds like he's lost that.0
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If he asked for help with meal planning, then help with meal planning and leave it at that. When he is ready/able to shift priorities around in his life to incorporate exercise and asks for help, then help with that. The reason I say this is that by asking him to help you get back on track, you're not really asking him to help you, you're trying to change something about him. That has huge potential to blow up in your face. It's one thing to know you are fat, know you are unhappy about it, and know you want to do something about it; it's another to have your significant other take actions because they think you need to lose weight. Even if your heart is in the right place, and it sounds like it is, the motivation needs to come from him.
Obviously I don't know you or your relationship, but if my husband came home and said he wanted to work on eating healthier meals and asked me to figure out a plan with him, and I did, and I later found out that my husband did that because he thought I needed/wanted to lose some weight, I would kick him in the shins. And possibly somewhere else since we're done having kids. If you are really concerned about him, ask what you can do to help with this stressful time in his life and just do what he asks. It seems like he wants to get back to where he was before, he's probably just too overwhelmed at the moment to figure out a plan, and maybe taking some things off his plate will allow him time to breathe and reflect.0 -
True. I like kgeyser's response. Mine may have been too helicopter momish. He is a grown man after all.0
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First of all, good for you for wanting to help him and being supportive!
Secondly (and most importantly) he really needs to get more sleep. Just do a quick google for sleep deprivation and weight gain or trying to loose weight when not getting enough sleep, there are many studies that show that in order to maintain/reach a healthy weight you need enough sleep.
In other news, if you guys live together, STOP BUYING JUNK FOOD. Even if you want to/can eat it, he can't reach for it if it's not there. Replace sugary crap with fruits, pre cut veggies, portioned out hummus/dips. Kill juice, invest in a quality water bottle for him to carry around with him (and if he doesn't like water crystal light makes calorie/sugar free drops). Cook for him when he's busy at work, when he's traveling encourage him to look at menus of restaurants before he goes or make a "safe" list of fast food items he can have that are low calorie. Stock his glove compartment with protein bars or dried fruits.
And most importantly, just encourage him.0 -
The main thing that motivates my lazy butt to get moving is to be able to eat more calories. Maybe if you set him up on MFP and established that he could eat everything you packed in one bag that day with no exercise. Then add some snacks in, separately labeled with exercise he would have to do to offset eating it. He'd just have to commit to watching his diet to lose weight. You would be doing the time consuming part of logging, preparing and labeling for him. Maybe that would at least get him started. It sounds like he's way over committed in his time. For his health he should drop something to make more time for sleep, at least, or he'll really burn out.
Sounds like something that I am willing to do if he also wants it too. Thank you (:0 -
He cannot sustain life on 2-3 hours sleep per day.
His weight should come secondary to not dropping dead from exhaustion.
Yes, I agree!!!!0 -
If he asked for help with meal planning, then help with meal planning and leave it at that. When he is ready/able to shift priorities around in his life to incorporate exercise and asks for help, then help with that. The reason I say this is that by asking him to help you get back on track, you're not really asking him to help you, you're trying to change something about him. That has huge potential to blow up in your face. It's one thing to know you are fat, know you are unhappy about it, and know you want to do something about it; it's another to have your significant other take actions because they think you need to lose weight. Even if your heart is in the right place, and it sounds like it is, the motivation needs to come from him.
Obviously I don't know you or your relationship, but if my husband came home and said he wanted to work on eating healthier meals and asked me to figure out a plan with him, and I did, and I later found out that my husband did that because he thought I needed/wanted to lose some weight, I would kick him in the shins. And possibly somewhere else since we're done having kids. If you are really concerned about him, ask what you can do to help with this stressful time in his life and just do what he asks. It seems like he wants to get back to where he was before, he's probably just too overwhelmed at the moment to figure out a plan, and maybe taking some things off his plate will allow him time to breathe and reflect.
I understand what you are saying, but I don't really see it that way. I feel concerned for his health and his well-being as he has stated that he feels depressed because he gained weight and does not know how to lose it. He has felt this way for months, and he has gotten more and more upset. All the while, I gave him supportive words but really kind of sat back. That really didn't do anything...
I hope that what you are saying isn't the case as I don't feel that way, but I will give it some more thought. Thank you for your insight (:0 -
First of all, good for you for wanting to help him and being supportive!
Secondly (and most importantly) he really needs to get more sleep. Just do a quick google for sleep deprivation and weight gain or trying to loose weight when not getting enough sleep, there are many studies that show that in order to maintain/reach a healthy weight you need enough sleep.
In other news, if you guys live together, STOP BUYING JUNK FOOD. Even if you want to/can eat it, he can't reach for it if it's not there. Replace sugary crap with fruits, pre cut veggies, portioned out hummus/dips. Kill juice, invest in a quality water bottle for him to carry around with him (and if he doesn't like water crystal light makes calorie/sugar free drops). Cook for him when he's busy at work, when he's traveling encourage him to look at menus of restaurants before he goes or make a "safe" list of fast food items he can have that are low calorie. Stock his glove compartment with protein bars or dried fruits.
And most importantly, just encourage him.
Thank you for your encouragement! We don't live together. He only eats junk food when he is out driving from place to place. Otherwise, he eats random things at his house that doesn't require much preparation. He has asked me to prep some meals for him to cook and store in containers; this, in the end, requires no preparation on his end so we think it will work out great.0 -
I havent read all the answers, but I have some advice, maybe not the advice you want to hear, but still.. He should completely change his life. He needs too think about himself and his needs. Sleep, friends, food, eating healthy. I don't think it's healthy to live a life where you have so much too do, that you have too sacrifice all those things.. And if it keeps going on like that(what you are writing) he may just sacrifice everything for nothing...
I think he needs to change his life, and i think you need to tell him that, or he'll just have to find out the hard way. This was maybe not the answer you wanted but i think there is some truth to it. 0 -
I havent read all the answers, but I have some advice, maybe not the advice you want to hear, but still.. He should completely change his life. He needs too think about himself and his needs. Sleep, friends, food, eating healthy. I don't think it's healthy to live a life where you have so much too do, that you have too sacrifice all those things.. And if it keeps going on like that(what you are writing) he may just sacrifice everything for nothing... I think he needs to change his life, and i think you need to tell him that, or he'll just have to find out the hard way. This was maybe not the answer you wanted but i think there is some truth to it.
Thank you for your insight (: I am not expecting certain answers or else posting for help would not do anything for me! I agree with you that he has too much on his plate. He took a break from school and work while he focused on moving out for the first time around 2 years ago, and I think he may be overcompensating to make up for lost time. This is certainly something he will have to realize on his own as I have already expressed to him what I think of his lifestyle ):0 -
I used this same excuse (not having enough time) over and over in the span of the last 6 years as I went from the healthiest I have ever been to being 50 pounds overweight and literally feeling like I was going to die-and was probably well on my way to that-blood pressure through the roof, cholesterol at 290, drinking everyday to relieve the stress. I had a "valid" excuse-3 kids, a wife and being self employed doesn't leave you with any time! I finally reached a point where I had to put myself first above all else regardless of the consequences because the alternative of dying early and getting to the point where I no longer enjoyed living in my own skin was no longer an option. Unfortunately, there is not a whole lot you can do except let him get to the point where he comes to the same realization....my wife pleaded with me, family members noted that I should do something,etc but my excuse was always the same-- "no time". Now that I have finally gotten back on track and am getting my health back under control, I cant believe I used the same lame excuse for the past 6 years. Health and exercise should never be an optional thing....would we say "I dont have time" to take a shower or go to the bathroom,sleep, eat, etc? Exercise and diet are just as vital but until he sees that for himself it won't matter. You may ask him if there is anything you can do to help him have the time or something along those lines and that you support him. It may not accomplish anything but him knowing you care will mean alot especially when he does decide to make a change for the better. ;-)0
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