Low point reached: I need help.

farrahb42
farrahb42 Posts: 3
in Motivation and Support
Honestly, I could go on about all of this because I'm terrible at summarizing, but I'll try my best here.

There's something wrong with me, I believe. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong, or how it all started.
But I cannot seem to stop eating and having episodes of eating large amounts of food at once, sometimes eating two days' worth of calories, followed by feeling like absolute trash. I'm having these terrible sugar cravings, and I feel so incredibly out of control with my eating.

I'm not talking a couple of days of bad eating, either.
This has been going on for almost a month now, in which I anticipated overcoming by now, but I feel I am continuing to go downhill and just keep digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Because most days I will start out great, upbeat, happy, telling myself I'm awesome and I'm going to well today, in which I usually do; and then, something happens and before I know it all comes crashing down.

I keep eating and eating and eating. I haven't been consistent with my typical diet of no sugar or gluten. I haven't been sticking to my planned workout routines anymore. I can't even seem to get my 8 glasses of water in anymore. I feel like all progress has halted.

I have tried to gain another perspective as to what could be causing it. Which makes me more frustrated not knowing. The only things I could think of were either not getting enough protein, too many carbs, not having calories set high enough, or possibly hormonal imbalances. I even thought that perhaps I have developed a mild depression and/or anxiety.
I have tried to correct most of what I believed may be causing all of this.
I upped my calories, tried upping protein, etc. Being vegan has proven a challenge to keep carbs low, however (another problem I've been obsessively trying to find an achievable answer for, as well). But gosh dangit, I'm trying.

I'm well aware of the conventional advice to forgive yourself and get back on the bandwagon, tomorrow's a new day, and you just have to do it and want it, etc. I know all of this, and despite knowing all of this, I keep sabotaging my goals.



I used to be so in control. In control of my eating, in control of my exercise. I used to crave food that's good for me, having no desire for junk. I used to get pumped and excited and be very motivated for my exercises. I was losing weight and feeling good.

But now? Nothing. I don't know what happened, why, or exactly where to go from here. I've obsessively googled and researched every aspect of my problems that I'm aware of to fix it, but it just raises more questions for me. I know the nature of health and fitness is not an exact science and takes a lot of experimentation and the like, but I feel defeated with the fact that I /was/ doing well, and now I'm just going in a downward spiral or frustration and confusion trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why doing well is no longer the case for me. I have gained almost an inch back on my waist and 5 pounds since all of this nonsense started; and I feel awful.

I have never struggled this much with my eating and motivation, and I feel I have developed an unhealthy relationship with food and I now despise looking at my body in the mirror and get frustrated and upset when I do. I constantly compare and wish I had that body, and how I wish my waist was that small, and all of that cliche malarkey. I used to be more content with my body.




I'm not really one to ask for help often, honestly.
However, I have arrived at a low point. I am typing this after having another one of my episodes. I know I have reached a low point to where I feel I need to reach out when the past few of my food episodes have brought me to tears. And for the first time, after last night's food episode I tried to make myself throw up because I felt that bad about all the junk I had eaten. My diary is open as well, if that helps. I'm not particularly proud of these things, but I feel it's somewhat imperative to mention, at least.

But I can't seem to sustain my exercises, I can't seem to stop eating. Why why why?


So I ask you kindly, MFP Community, if you have any solid advice for my utterly frustrated and confused self?
:cry: :brokenheart:

Replies

  • tralala99
    tralala99 Posts: 28 Member
    I can't quite tell if you're concerned that you might be developing binge/disordered eating or are just frustrated by being unable to meet your goals. If it's the latter, I would suggest just taking a breath and trying to simplify. It seems like you have a number of dietary goals (vegan, low-cal, gluten free, etc.), which is obviously a choice you can make. But maybe, for now at least, just pick one to focus on and forgive yourself for the others. So if you're trying to lose weight maybe its a calorie goal, or if you have a gluten intolerance just that. Whatever is most important to you.The one obvious exception to this might be veganism, cause if that's just the way you eat than it might not count as a "goal" for you.

    I really hope this doesn't come off condescending -- that's not my intention at all. I've gotten caught up in similar situations when trying to track too many things and realized I had to cut myself a little slack if I wanted to accomplish anything at all. And once I was able to relax a little bit, the whole thing went back to being (relatively) easy for me. Hope that helps. Good luck!
  • farrahb42
    farrahb42 Posts: 3
    It's a mixture of both, really. The concern of binge eating resulting in undermining my goals
    (I use the term "binge," lightly because it's a fairly touchy term, but it gets the idea across better, I believe).

    I do not have a gluten intolerance or celiac or anything of that nature, I just wanted to cut out gluten to try and dial down on the carbs and thought it would be a simple choice to a healthier eating lifestyle. But I believe you may have a point, I can be quite strict and hard on myself. Sometimes I overlook the simple things, I tell ya.

    I think the one I have the hardest time with is sugar. I have always had a weak spot for sweets.
    I guess it's just frustrating knowing that I did well without all of these things previously, so I question why I am having so much trouble presently with it. But I digress.


    As far as my veganism, the only thing I miss is eggs. But I do wish to continue being vegan. And I would mostly like to focus on my sugar intake; it's currently one of my biggest problems, and I'm not sure that means I should focus more on cutting down on it, or go easier on myself with it, oy vey.

    And you're definitely not coming off as condescending in the slightest, I assure you. Quite the opposite, you're giving me sound advice that I honestly had not considered, and I thank you! :smile:
  • hiker583
    hiker583 Posts: 91 Member
    I can totally understand what you are going through. Its binge eating, its that episode of uncontrolled eating when all logic goes out of the door. I was going through the same last year, and then some last month. I would eat all day, just eat eat whatever is in front of me, and even if I am stuffed. Sometimes I made myself physically sick by eating. I cannot say its over now, but I have not had an episode in few weeks now. What helped -

    -- First time I was able to help myself was acknowledge that I had a problem. ACK that I am a binge eater, and its a real disease like any other and I can be helped. With that realization, a few time when my binge episodes came, I was able to tell myself - listen, you are having one of those episode, and you know how much ever you eat you will not be satisfied. Will eating half jar of peanut butter satisfy you - no. So why not stop before that half jar. It will make no difference, you will feel the same before and after. Having this dialog with myself helped me a few times and I was able to distract myself. The best way during those times is to find an activity you enjoy the most, so that you can get distracted by it.

    -- Coming to this forum. I started reading about people, success stories, struggles. That gave me strength and motivation.

    -- Identifying the triggers. My trigger is being frustrated at work, but more being frustrated at home with my husband. If you can find a trigger you can control that's great, otherwise just knowing your trigger will prepare you - I am frustrated now, I know I am going to binge, so let me go for a walk or let me read a book.

    -- The best thing is control on binge is a self-motivator, meaning that once I was able to control it one time, it was easier next time. I could follow my own example. The more I did it, better I felt.

    You have one great thing going, you are still writing it all in the dairy. I gave up as I was too ashamed. But writing is first step to ACK, and accountability. Just accept this is part of you and your life, a part you will get over with your own help. But the more frustrated and angry you feel, worse it could get. Read back your diary, and ask yourself did it really help to eat all that? Could you have gone without those?

    You can add me as a friend if you need help and motivation.
  • mlh37214
    mlh37214 Posts: 517 Member
    My opinion on the matter, not an expert by any means, but sometimes have the same issues (read: rough night at work followed by a drive thru breakfast of enough to feed 2 or 3 people, followed by going to bed when I get home).

    Keep it simple, and make sure it's a life change, not just something you're doing to reach your goals. You mention that you are really hard on yourself. It seems like you already realize that that can be a rough road to head down, and a way of setting yourself up for an eating disorder. Give yourself a break. No one is perfect.

    I'm improving my habits by trying to introduce new foods - a new vegetable each week, or a new way of cooking a vegetable I already like. I love looking for new/healthy recipes. I've made eating more veggies my primary focus...and they are so low in calories that you can basically eat as much as you want of some of them!! (And on a side note, after just a few days of vegetarian eating and no fast food, a sandwich and fries before work tonight tasted like crap!!)

    Keep the bad things out of your home! If it's there, I eat it. For me, I'm also a sugar addict. I can't have it in the house - with the exception of Nutella. I like it and will eat it on occasion, but it's so sweet that more than a teaspoon and I feel sick...maybe you can find something like that for you. My splurge is that I will buy a pint of ice cream or something special at the grocery once a month or less. And then try to eat in moderation...doesn't always happen that way, but when it's gone, it's gone. I might also keep something at work and eat in moderation there, too....it's easier to eat in moderation when there are witnesses.

    My final bit of advice and something that I do...no sodas, juice, whatever your liquid vice is, until after you've had water. I drink 32 oz of water for every other non-water liquid that I'm going to have. I drink a bottle of water first thing in the morning to get started. It's true that water makes you feel better! I feel like I have more energy when I'm drinking water. Do it long enough and you will notice a difference in the way that you feel, and it won't be a battle to get your water in!!

    Good luck to you! Setbacks happen, even month long setbacks(or longer - I think I was off of here for almost a year in a major funk/setback), but the bottom line is that you are working on it and recognize where you're falling short...and you're reaching out for help and new ideas!
  • kprangernix07
    kprangernix07 Posts: 122 Member
    OP:

    I am excited that you are asking for help! it shows that you're taking the first step in gaining control and achieving your goal. I think first you need to accept where you are at, and then ask yourself if it's something that you can get out of on your own. If not, there are awesome resources to help you reach your goal. I would start by finding a dietician who can guide you in the right direction.

    http://www.eatright.org/programs/rdfinder/

    Asking for help shows strength!
  • pinkprincess3082
    pinkprincess3082 Posts: 13 Member
    Hmm...the trouble is, you have a diet full of restrictions and IMHO restrictions lead to binging. Throughout my dieting career, any time I've tried to cut out something ie. sugar, carbs, fat etc. I can't maintain it. I feel miserable, deprived and I start to dread social gatherings that involve food and/or drink. It's usually at this point that I think to myself "I'd rather be fat, than miserable". But of course that is the wrong mindset as well. The key is always moderation.

    The phrase "a little of what you fancy does you good" is very relevant when it comes to dieting. Healthy eating doesn't need to be all about what you can't have, and no one is perfect! We all fall off the wagon, it's why we're all here after all.

    So, your diary...well, if my "binges" looked as healthy as yours I'd be happy! In fact it made me a little sad, as I was expecting chocolate, pizza and all manner of yummy things. You are way too hard on yourself. You don't eat breakfast, so you're probably starving by 11am? Then you have an early lunch? Starving again by 3pm so snacks to fill the gaps? You get the drift. Peanut butter and sugar cookies...seems to be your go to snack. Don't buy them for now, if you can't control the intake, best to avoid (FOR NOW until you get back on your feet).

    You've had a setback, it's not the end of the world. If the way you're eating isn't working out then you need to make changes. Ease up on the restrictions, you can always go back when you're feeling stronger. You are young and beautiful, you should be enjoying life not crying over 6 tablespoons of peanut butter. You can do this, you know you can....just look at the amazing job you've done so far!!
  • David_AUS
    David_AUS Posts: 298 Member
    First off there is nothing wrong with you. Your current eating habits are supporting something. Take some time and sit or reflect on where in your life do you see you are depriving yourself, I think that your eating habits are compensating for somewhere you perceive your are lacking. The answer is not in google or outside of you the answer is within. Don't chase or try to catch it let it come to your awareness.

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