Back in the saddle...

It feels like I've been dieting my whole life. I'm sure most of the people here know what I mean. I'm not the girl who put on twenty lbs in college or has a stubborn extra 15 to lose after having a baby. I have been overweight, climbing steadily into obese, since I was 6 years old. I put on 65 lbs when I moved away to college. Before that, I was already knock-knock-knocking on the 200s' door. I starved myself in high school to get down to 180 lbs for things like prom and the homecoming dance (things I didn't care about- what I cared about what "normalcy," and being able to wear a dress without being self-conscious, a still-unachieved goal). My lowest weight was 170, and I was using drugs at the time. So here I am, home from university, 23 years old, 242 lbs as of this morning. This time last year I was hitting my high weight of 262. I've lost 20 lbs in a year. When I think about that sometimes, I definitely get discouraged. But I've done other things in this past year for my health- maybe even more important things than dropping 100 lbs. I cleaned out my kitchen, replacing the junk with whole and wholesome foods: organic fruits and vegetables, grass-fed beef and butter, free-range chicken and eggs, and go-to snacks like seeds and nuts. I identified a gluten intolerance my father had been warning me I would probably develop (he's suffered for 20 years) and made the decision to eat NATURALLY gluten-free (no replacement products/foods that should naturally have gluten but the gluten has been removed, like bread and pasta). I watch my carbs and try to always get more protein, which has been difficult recently as I've found myself eating vegetarian or vegan meals once or twice a day at least without even meaning to. As I have rebooted my food intake, what my body craves has changed drastically.
During this extensive diet makeover (using diet here to mean the food I eat, not a restrictive, prescribed or particular meal plan), I have also been giving my brain and my body image a makeover. I realized, after trying and failing no less than 20 times, that at least half my problem is in how I see myself and what I think I deserve. I had to banish negative self-talk and obsessive dieting tendencies like weighing 2 or 3 times a day, lying to my food diary, and the destructive cycle of binging and purging. I have lived most of my life as a disordered eater in one capacity or another, and that has messed with both my metabolism and my self-worth. I realized that I would have to build a new foundation to stand on because my old one was full of cracks. So I abandoned my old toolbox of dieting tricks and foods (Lean Cuisine, anyone?) and made the best decision so far: to get HEALTHY. Not to get thin or beautiful or "worthy," but to get healthy no matter what my jeans size or my scale said.
Last year I had blood work done when my blood pressure was hitting 160/120. I also started seeing a doctor for anxiety, which was causing part of my blood pressure problem. I also had all the wrong cholesterol, not enough of the good stuff, you know the story. At 22, my body was tired. I realized that I couldn't keep going like I had been. I think one of the biggest steps in moving from a teenager to an adult is recognizing the consequences of our actions. I could no longer shovel pizza into my mouth and pretend like it evaporated away once down my throat, and that my fat gain and poor health was an unexplainable mystery. I also couldn't lean on the crutch that I was young and my body could take the abuse. Once my decision was health-based, rather than appearance-based, changing my habits was easy. Once I stopped eating so much processed crap, I stopped having to struggle with the urge to binge and binge all day. Without medication for anxiety or medical issues, my blood pressure corrected itself. I haven't touched my asthma inhaler in a year, and the first time I felt like I might need it was a couple of weeks ago in the middle of a 7-mile hike up 1000 ft in elevation. I may have only lost 20 lbs, but I feel several years younger. Better yet, my foundation is built. I'm ready to start paying attention to things like calories and, more important, macronutrients. I'm ready to start working in purposeful, consistent exercise.
I'm here because I need a community. A lot of the people in my life are a normal, healthy weight. I have for years watched them sit along-side me and match me slice for slice or pizza, soda for soda, beer for beer, and maintain a healthy weight. I have a couple of aunts and cousins who are in extremely great shape and who run (and eat a ton of carbs) on a daily basis and judge a large majority of someone's worth based on their physical experience, so the people I do know who exercise regularly are not people I want to spend time with on a daily basis during this journey. Reading back, this paragraph is full of complaints but mostly I'm just tired of feeling like no one knows what I'm going through and no one can share my experiences. I'm getting married in October and I hope to lose about 50 lbs by then (though I would be thrilled with 40). My fiancé is wonderful and understanding, but he has also always been a healthy weight and despite many attempts to explain to him what it's like to live overweight in the world, he doesn't get it. He rose up to 190 while I was hitting 262 because we lived off fast food, delivery and lots and lots of alcohol, and since I implemented healthy changes in our house a year ago he has plummeted back down to a fit 160. When I'm frustrated at my slow loss, he feels like I am frustrated at him, and I just don't know how to explain that I'm happy that his body works and does what it should and stays healthy without him putting in much effort. But my body doesn't do that. He told me the other day that my body seems to be "highly reactive" and he might be right. I will have to pay attention to what goes into my body for the rest of my life. Now that I have figured that out, it's time to get started.
So my name is Taylor, I'm a gluten-free food addict, recovering sugar addict (one day at a time), and 23-year-old in the body of a middle-aged overweight woman, trying to turn this thing around. It's nice to meet you!