Binge eating - not sure what to do anymore?

Tummybrain
Tummybrain Posts: 3
in Motivation and Support
I've already made a couple of posts about this but I don't really know what to do anymore or where to go? Quick backstory: I'm 19, I've had 2 rounds of weightloss, both times lost about 40 lbs (190-150). Maintained for a year the second time but ended up developing BED and gained a whopping SIXTY pounds since August. Let me repeat that: I weighed 152 on August 1st. I now weight 213. I've continued working out and I am still building muscle under these layers of fat (which is keeping my spirits up a little bit) but I tried on-campus therapy, I've tried abstaining from calorie-counting, I've had some periods of "good" eating but it always comes back to binging. I feel like there's no point in even trying anymore because I've consistently failed at "getting back on track" week after week since this last summer. Barely ANY of my clothes fit anymore and definitely none of my jeans. I have rolls of fat on my stomach, I'm breaking out, I'm pretty sure I've developed new stretch marks. My eating and weight gain has affected my school work (grades have slipped) and work work. I signed up for a half marathon that's going to be on May 25th back in November and half the times I attempt to run more than 2 miles, my shins and surrounding muscles begin to hurt - not because my legs are tired, but because my body hasn't adjusted to the ridiculous amount of extra weight. I could easily run 5 or so miles for basically all of 2013 - and I never lost any of that stamina or endurance, but I don't think my legs can quite handle it right now, and that kills me inside. I really want to do this half marathon but I don't even know how that's possible at this point. To make matters worse, summer is coming up, it's getting rapidly warmer and last summer was the first time in my life I felt at least a *little* confident in my own skin and now I'm bigger than I was every summer before that.


I maintained most of last year by dieting 6 days/week and binging 1 (so it evened out), since then, it's more like I eat at maintenance 2 days a week, and binge 5. It's awful. And every night I convince myself it'll be better tomorrow, and every time it's consistently not.

I never really hated my body before I started losing weight - I was just trying to increase my endurance for swim team and stuff and I lost weight by accident. And now, having a taste of what it's like to be kind of fit, I HATE myself. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm tired ALL the time. I'm unmotivated. And I have to keep a happy face in front of everyone I know because none of them get it. My best friend comes the closest to getting it - she weighed over 300lbs her entire teenhood and recently lost 120lbs in about a 1.5 years, but she never developed binge eating and has had consistent success. My other good friends all have no idea what it's like to have problems with food. My mom just thinks i'm depressed and consistently tells me there's no point in trying to lose weight because this is how i'm biologically structured.

I know I screwed up, I know I hate too little in the beginning and that's how all of this even started. I don't even care about losing weight as much as I do getting my eating disorder under control and not thinking about food 24/7. Hopefully weight loss comes with that, but at this rate I'm f*cking up my health permanently.

If anyone can help me or has had similar struggles, please reply. I kind of just need to know that someone out there gets what I'm going through on some level.

Replies

  • tmm_0127
    tmm_0127 Posts: 545 Member
    At this point it seems like you are really struggling. Since you've already tried on-campus therapy, I would suggest maybe asking them if they can refer you to someone off campus. The scope of their practice sometimes limits them - I know when I saw on-campus therapists they dealt mostly with stress cases when my problem was way beyond that, so they almost always referred me out. There are also support groups out there! You should check out MeetUp.com or something. Coupling some cognitive therapy with group therapy or group support can be super effective. It's worth a try, right? :) It is really important that you know you're not alone in how you feel.
  • catdevrandom
    catdevrandom Posts: 40
    Hey there,

    first of all, virtual hugs, if you want them. I really hope you find a way out of this and I appreciate that you are sharing it.

    I don't have any experience in BED and I certainly think that looking for professional help off campus, as suggested by the previous poster, could be a good way to deal with the issue. But your story reminded me of a good book I read once called "The Power of Habit", by Charles Duhigg. The book has some interesting insights on how we end up doing things automatically which not always are good for us and how hard it is to break these habits. The author offers some practical advice on how to handle it, which were helpful for me in other issues (unrelated to food). Again, I'm not sure if your problem is at all related to this, but maybe it could give you an insight or two...

    Hope you get the help you need and get out of this soon!
    Cheers!
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    Hi!

    I'm going through a similar issue, however, not as drastic.

    I've actually recently had some profound epiphanies that I believe will be very helpful to resolve the issue of binge eating for me, and I would like to share them with you however I'm worried that you may not be receptive because I am very, very pagan and I don't know if you are or open to hearing about this through that lens.

    If you are open I will reply and share what I've recently discovered to be true for me, and possibly give advice on how you can find what's "triggering" the binge in you.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    Ok, so in my worldview our selves, our bodies contain multiple souls. Some people say 9, some 7, there's different lists of names and their functions etc etc etc but everyone seems to agree there is at least an animal soul, and emotional soul, a logical mind soul, an ego etc etc etc.

    Anyways, I discovered that this binge eating was part of my soul trying to act out or possibly get a message through that I wasn't understanding.

    So, for a gazillion years in our past humans have had periods of scarcity with food, and it's part of our natural animal instincts to eat as much as possible when we can. It's just how we've evolved, and no matter how many calories we count or whatever we're still subject to our evolution as mammals.

    So, I said a prayer to myself that kind of went like this "I understand part of me is causing binges and I want to acknowledge and communicate with that part of my soul so maybe we can find a resolve that works for all of us."

    So I went on about my day and then developed strong urges to re-invest some money of mine and add some more accounts attached to my checking.

    I realized that due to that I just bought a car outright and my checking account balance got down to about $40 that my animal wild self thought that I was going to starve. Despite my logical mind knowing "Your paychecks will come every two weeks, other payments every two weeks, you'll re-establish your savings etc" despite that I know logically I am most certainly not at all going to starve or die, the wild animal inside of me thought that I was on the brink of starvation!

    So, I decided to nourish this animal exactly the way it wants to be nourished, which is to straighten out my financial accounts. Now I'll have more money and be thinner! Double win! Hahahahahah!

    And it all makes since. The peak of my weight gain was in June of 2012 when I got up to 245 about three months after experiencing my first ever in my life stint of job loss and unemployment. In June 2012 is when I started all this one step at a time. And slowly but surely and as I gained my financial footing, the pounds came off. Now I'm down to 185, and still working to get into the 170's. One step at a time!

    But I have a new trick to add on top of diet and exercise!
  • ally_land
    ally_land Posts: 28 Member
    Hi,

    Thanks for sharing. There is a way to end the struggle with binge eating.

    First, learn to differentiate between physical hunger and emotional hunger.
    Second, decide to only eat for physical hunger.
    Third, when you crave food when you are not physically hungry, you are really craving joy or love. Learn to fill this craving with some sort of self-loving action or something that makes you feel joy (not from food).

    I dare say eat whatever you would like at first, as long as you are physically hungry. Once you develop this trusting relationship with food and your body, you can then focus on choosing foods that make you feel energetic and healthy, if that is what you choose.

    It may take a little time, but it will be a very freeing process. All food becomes safe with you, you will no longer feel the need to binge. Bingeing is our body's natural desire to feel joy and pleasure!

    Exercise can always come in later when you want to feel even better. If exercise comes from a place of wanting to have energy and feel healthy, it will be a joy to do, not drudgery or obligation.

    This is how I overcame many years of restricting, bingeing, and obsessive exercising to try to manage my weight. I no longer have any food struggles whatsoever. You can do it too!!

    XoXo!
    Ally

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