Struggling with a friend

Llamapants86
Llamapants86 Posts: 1,221 Member
in Motivation and Support
A friend of mine, who is a bit older than I am, very out of shape and seeing lots of health problems, is always coming and asking how I have managed to lose weight and get active. And it would be awesome, she is a great person and an asset to the community, it would be great to see her in better health, with more energy and less health issues. Unfortunately there are two problems.

One, she's the quick fix searcher, the scapegoat seeker, no scientific basses conclusion jumper, you get what I mean. She now sells a supplement (not going to name it, but it claims to be great, but the studies they use are just based on the ingredients not the actual "proprietary blend" that is in them). She also goes on kicks of no sugar, no potatoes, no this or that, hoping that one of those foods are magically causing her to not lose weight. That being said, when I tell her to eat a little less and move a little more, she disagrees whole heartedly. I can see why, I mean those are things that really are easy to control and within her power to change. It puts her weight and weight related health problems back on her, not some hidden food ingredient.

The second issue is she really likes to tear me down. I have been quite successful at making little changes that add up over time, and have led me to a much healthier and slimmer lifestyle. But it has been work, it wasn't always easy. I find it very degrading when she says things like "oh to be young like you again, losing weight would be soooooooo easy". Seriously, you are 40, not 80, and I am almost 30 with hypothyriodism, you can do it if you would just really try.

I would love to just not talk about it with her, but every time I see her she is always asking what I am doing and what my secret is. Just to hear her tell me that I "cannot be healthy if you still eat _____ " or how she's going to try this cleanse or that product next week. The whole special snowflake mentality really gets to me and I have yet to find a way to just avoid the subject all together.

I guess what I am looking for is a diplomatic way to let her know that I am there for her if she wants to give it a real go, but until then please gtfo?

Replies

  • andreyadonna
    andreyadonna Posts: 70
    You are in a position that will never be easy and it's difficult to talk about with it being an accusation. Plus if she's deluding herself anything you say will be you being "That way". I'm in a petulant mood today so I don't really have constructive help. If it were me, today, I would say "How many of those miracle diets have you tried? And how many have worked in the long run? I looked in toward myself and I realized it was my eating and laziness that made me fat, so I changed it. It was hard and it takes time. But I'm fit and I feel fantastic. You feel under the weather constantly, and I worry for you. I wish there was a way I could get you to commit to trying it my way for just 3 months. If we honestly put ourselves into this together and stick to eating the right way, we'll be better in 3 months than we are now. I feel like I can't make that happen with you though and it makes every conversation we have about weight loss and health feel like all the hard work I've put into my body is being undermined. I'd like to help you, or not talk about weight loss anymore. Because I don't want to lose all my hard work."
  • poohbah4
    poohbah4 Posts: 127
    It sounds like you may have outgrown that friendship, sad as it may be. :frown:
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    It sounds like you may have outgrown that friendship, sad as it may be. :frown:
    This!

    I had a similar issue where I felt instead of being supported, I was being told to "shut up" about my struggles since they weren't as great or hard as my friends.

    You need to be able to support AND be supported on the same level. If not, then focus on other areas or discontinue the friendship.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    Eh, just tell her you're doing the same thing as last time and you hope she finds what works for her. And then change the topic.

    Or stop being friends with her because she sounds like a whiny pain in the rear.
  • TX_Rhon
    TX_Rhon Posts: 1,549 Member
    It sounds like you may have outgrown that friendship, sad as it may be. :frown:

    Well put. Unless she can agree to disagree about fitness and weight loss, it might be time to let her go. Good luck.
  • GodMomKim
    GodMomKim Posts: 3,703 Member
    I have had to make the choice to say goodbye to certain relationships and it is tough, but found this poem a long time ago and it is kinda long for a mantra but it's mine...

    Reason, Season, or Lifetime

    People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
    When you figure out which one it is,
    you will know what to do for each person.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON,
    it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
    They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
    to provide you with guidance and support;
    to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
    They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
    They are there for the reason you need them to be.

    Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
    this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
    Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
    Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
    What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
    The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

    Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
    because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
    They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
    They may teach you something you have never done.
    They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
    Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
    things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
    Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
    and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
    It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

    — Unknown
  • Satiable
    Satiable Posts: 121
    It's so sweet that you're trying this hard to improve a difficult friendship! (:noway: Wow, that sounds patronising. I meant it more along the lines of "it is a far, far better thing that you do, than I have ever done…")

    For problem (1), I hope someone else on MFP has a suggestion. I have no idea.

    For problem (2), maybe you could say something like: "I know a lot of people have trigger foods, but what I'm eating has been working for me so I don't want to change it. If I get stuck and can't lose the rest of the weight, maybe I'll try something different then." Then change the subject before it turns into an hour-long debate. Just seeing how consistently successful you are should be a good example for eating less and moving more, and maybe someday that will help her when she's ready to try that method.

    Hope you find a solution!
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
    I have people ask me ALL THE TIME about how I lost the weight. They'll say, "I need to do what YOU'RE doing..." When I tell them that it's all about what you eat, and burning more calories than you consume, and give them examples, they roll their eyes.

    I'll tell them about protein bars, eating more grilled proteins than fried, or not having as much carbs (rather choosing them more carefully, which has resulted in having fewer of them)....I get humphed at.

    I tell them about logging on MFP and having a Fitbit, and that it gives me a chart showing how many calories in vs. out. "Well, that's too much work."

    Clearly, (myself included sometimes, and even recently,) they aren't ready to commit. They're all about cabbage soup diets, or supplements to curb hunger, or shakes, or grapefruit diets, etc. Anything for a "quick fix".

    I'm not saying anything bad about anyone who's decided to have weight loss surgery - and I may still end up having it. At this time though, it seems to me if I'm going to have to "re-learn" how to eat right because I've had the surgery, why not try to see if I can learn to eat right first. If I still need surgery to help me get there, then so be it.

    I was at a weigh in at Weight Watchers several years ago, and a woman came in wanting to lose something like 10-20 pounds absolutely ASAP. The clerk and I looked at her pretty incredulously as if, "You realize where you are, right? This is about lifestyle, and not a quick fix...." It was unbelievable. She had this wedding to go to in a very short time on a cruise ship and wanted to look good in a swim suit. Yeah, glad to see you focused on you instead of the occasion.

    Ugh.

    It's one of those times when you have to let be....you have your journey, and she has hers.
  • loriemn
    loriemn Posts: 292 Member
    I have a friend like yours,,shes way overweight,diabetic,high blood pressure and several other things going on also..I suggested a easy weight loss/workout program to help get some of those things under control..but she cant pull herself away from her smart phone games to find the time,she says her doctor said she can have 2 carbs a day(I dont even know what that means) so she sits down with a huge bowl of mashed potatoes covered in creamed corn..Im thinking thats more then 2 servings but WTH do I know! I do TKD and I didnt even tell her for several months because I new what she would say,my hubby told her one day and her response was exactly what I thought it would be "thats stupid,why would you want to do that"..ummm well,its better then sitting on the couch playing games getting FATTER thats why! another friend of mine and also hers summed it up good for me one day,she said "maybe you need better friends" and she was right,I dont talk to the diabetic friend much anymore,mostly because she is so negative I cant stand more then 20 minutes with her,I feel bad for her,yet I tried and she doesnt want to listen and you cant make people change so its best for my mentality to limit our time together.
  • lmhbuss
    lmhbuss Posts: 282 Member
    If it were me, and it's not I know, and I really valued the friendship, I would try to address the issue with her. I would speak specifically and only about how certain statements make me feel. ie "when you say X, it makes me feel Y." If she values your friendship she will make an effort not to do those things. It make take her a day or two to figure out that she has anything to be sorry about...but if she's as great as you say, then she will figure it out. If she doesn't stop saying things that hurt you...well then it's time to move on.
    I would not address the issue of her own weight loss and struggles...only those statements she makes which cause you emotional hurt.
  • Llamapants86
    Llamapants86 Posts: 1,221 Member
    It sounds like you may have outgrown that friendship, sad as it may be. :frown:

    I think you may be right. Because it isn't just the weight loss and fitness stuff. It seems like I am overly frustrated with her in general.

    Thanks for everyone's responses! It has really helped. Our relationship isn't were we can avoid each other but I think distancing our discussions from our trigger topics will help.
  • Adc7225
    Adc7225 Posts: 1,318 Member
    Just reply - "You are not ready" it is just not her time to make the changes that will benefit her.
  • gregs_gal
    gregs_gal Posts: 18 Member
    If you want to take the snarky route you could always say, "I'm on this amazing new plan called HWP!" When she gives you a blank look say, "Oh, haven't you heard of it? HWP - Hard work and perseverance?" Then smile sweetly.

    Ok, I don't actually suggest you do that. It would be nice though sometimes, yes?

    I would just reiterate that you're continuing to make healthy food choices (allowing for occasional treats as they fit into your calorie/macro goals) and exercising. Those are the magic things working for you.

    *edited for spelling error
  • sheleen302
    sheleen302 Posts: 266 Member
    Eh, just tell her you're doing the same thing as last time and you hope she finds what works for her. And then change the topic.

    Or stop being friends with her because she sounds like a whiny pain in the rear.


    ^^ This, so much this!
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
    I'd just flat out tell her.

    Say look, this is what worked for me whether you think it's healthy or not doesn't matter to me. What's not healthy is whatever fad you're doing at the moment. Ask her to name ONE toxin that a detox is cleansing. Please ask her that and you'll see she can't even name one because there are no toxins being cleansed. Tell her she's welcome to listen to you or she can just STFU and stop talking to you about your weight loss. That you can discuss other things but not that if all she's going to do is be negative and tear you down.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I seriously have NO good advice for you, so I probably shouldn't even bother posting...but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. I am dealing with exactly the same thing right now with not one, but several, of my close friends.
  • beth4dieting3
    beth4dieting3 Posts: 80 Member
    My suggestion ... tell her to read my blog. It's about weightloss and my journey, yes, but also about accountability, self-acceptance, appearance, judgment, forgiveness and I cover fads, and tackling weightloss by changing one's "reality," nutrition, adding exercise and owning it. I don't make any money off my blog so I'm not saying this to make money off it. Check it out first, if you want, it's just a suggestion. I do suggest scrolling all the way to the beginning (1st entry) and reading up. My slow program has taken shape over time. Works for me and is not a diet. Might not help - but who knows? For any of us working on our weight, SOMETHING reached us at some point. Maybe it will reach her and she'll start to make some changes and the focus of your relationship can shift. She can also reach out to me personally if she wants at 1fatchick2another@gmail.com. The blog is 1fatchick2another.blogspot.com. Good luck.
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    I find the nod and smile route works well..... plus for when she asks your "secret" the broken record technique is good, i.e. give her the exact same answer every time, word for word, e.g. "with a calorie deficit and exercise" .... she'll stop asking you after a while
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
    I was once complemented on my weight loss by a trainer in my gym. I was obese and had lost 30 pounds in just a few months, so I told him so.

    He responded, "Green shakes would REALLY get your metabolism revved up."

    I stumbled over my words trying to explain that nothing that you ingest (besides maybe caffeine) has that much impact on the calories you burn.

    From that point on, I'd just tell people that my secret is bacon for breakfast.
  • spirytwynd
    spirytwynd Posts: 141 Member
    Some "friendships" are toxic. Maybe call them "frenemies." Only you can decide how much you are willing to tolerate. It does sound like this one is swinging the wrong way, though all I can see is the bit of info you have revealed. It is totally your call . . . . and your mental health.

    You might give it one last go. The next time she pops over and starts the usual guff, simply say, "This is working for me, I think I will go with it." Let her know you are working on healthy habits and a healthy lifestyle. If she wants to come along and be supportive, that is cool. If she isn't, well, that is OK too, just don't expect to hear much from you. You are doing this for you, not anyone else. If she sees progress in you, it is because of what you are doing.

    Fads and trendy stuff rarely work in the long term. Making sustainable, long term changes in your lifestyle work. This also happens to be a core theme of MFP. We all have shades of this approach. Paleo works for some, vegan or vegetarian for others. Some go for heavy lifting and some can pump the cardio for longer than fish swim. There are lots of things and approaches you can take. If you have found something which works for you, jam on! If you see something on this site that inspires you, try it out. If it helps, keep going. :-) And you can do this with, or without your frenemy. Good luck and rock on!
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    I get brutally honest with those closest to me...and maybe that's what you need to do if you do want to save this friendship. Why not give it a go, it might be the last straw with you two anyway by the sounds of it.

    A friend of mine used to do every diet thing that came along. She did shakes, then pills, she even bought those "hot pants" and at first I just did the smile and nod thing but then one day, I just shook my head at her and giggled. She was a big hurt but I explained to her - look, it's your money, you spend it however you want but have any of these products actually helped you? Of course the answer was no. And that was what flustered me the most - she's usually VERY thrifty so the fact that she was spending all this money on these products just boggled my mind, even if they were "deals" thorugh Groupon or whatever.

    The other thing that helped get through to her was simply the proof in the pudding. Here I was eating what I liked within calorie limits, getting some activity in and losing just fine - without all the tricks. And she knows I'm not just lucky...if that were true I wouldn't have been obese for all those years. She still comes up with things now and then (the latest was a thought about cleansing SMH) but for the most part she gets that the old fashioned way does work and all that crap isn't necessary.

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