Just starting

I've been struggling forever, but finally doing something about it.... does anyone else have a blog where they are going to blog their ups/downs and side-steps? I'll be on here as well, but I've made a wordpress blog and am looking for friends that might be doing the same. I'll post my first post below:
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from my blog: http://itsmystruggle.wordpress.com/

I need to change my life.

I’m desperate to change my life, but it’s hard to be open about my struggle with those around me, so I hope that the anonymity of the internet will help me to be more open with myself and others also struggling.

I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life, esp. once I started Jr. High. I was active (swim team over the summer and soccer through the fall). I didn’t eat great, but I also didn’t binge or anything like that. In short, something isn’t working right. My mom claims that she thought ‘it wasn’t that bad’ for me in high school, as far as my weight, but I think she’s denying it because she never looked into seeing what could be done. She once said that she suspected hormone issues, but never looked into it. I can’t even explain how hurt that makes me feel. I brought it up a few weeks ago, and she tried to make it into her being hurt, that I was trying to make it her fault.

I don’t blame her for my being overweight, but as a nurse, I would have expected her to take more action, involve a doctor, whatever.

With Obamacare and some more affordable, higher quality insurance, I’ve found a new doctor in my area, one that wants to work *with* me rather than just dictate my care. We did some blood testsand while my symptoms mirror PCOS, hormone-wise, it doesn’t seem to be the case.

Only one time in my life have I been able to lose a pretty good amount of weight – I didn’t have a scale at the time, but I did need smaller pants. I wasn’t watching my dietand I was partying with friends each weekend, but the only thing I can think of is that I was on the birth control Sprintec. So my doctor has put me back on that, though I’m waiting for my cycle to start up again so I can start the pills.

I’ve also been put on spironolactone for facial hair growth. I had laser hair removal probably 10 years ago, so I’m horrified to think of what it might be like if I hadn’t done that. I know it’s a mild diuretic, so I could lose a few pounds of water weight. I’ve only been on it for a week, so we’ll see.

I have been struggling food-wise for a while now. I was doing really well, excercising and eating right. I had a trainer, but we parted on bad terms. According to him, I should have had much bigger weight loss with the workouts I was recording and my intake according to my food journal. He accused me of cheating on my diet week in and week out. Trust me, I’m not paying for a personal trainer only to lie about my food journal. When I think of the money spent and the numbers of days, weeks I could have road tripped (biggest passion) – no, I did not lie.

So like I said, i was doing really well, except I’d lose a pound, maybe two over a month, until last July. After a very scary vacation, including a massive Tornado in Oklahoma, I ended up with pneumonia. I was flat on my *kitten* for three weeks, flirting with possible admission to the hospital. I was on round after round of antibiotic, steroids, etcand it’s only now, March, that I’m finally on my way to being healthy. The only exercise I’ve gotten have been a few walks with the doc. And now, because I feel horrible, I’ve been eating worse (I know, zero excuse) and have had sugar cravings that are out of control.

I’m trying to rebuild my immune systems – probiotics, vit. C, garlic, etc.

But I’m also looking to build a community for support, encouragment, etc.

I need to do well at this. My weight has held me back for far too long. I spend money on junk food, I drink too many fancy Starbucks drinks and as an aspire writer, I spend too much time on my *kitten* outside of work (though, to make it in the biz, I need to find more time to write.

I fall into bed exhausted, I wake up unrested.

I want to be well.

I want to do this.

I guess I should post my starting weight. It was 308 at the doctor last week. My ultimate goal is to hit 175 and take it from there. I’m not tall (5’5″) but I’m not particularly small boned either. I take after one of my grandmothers – a Danish woman who spent her life on the farm.

But to keep myself sane, I’m going to break it into small, 25lbs goals.

Goal 1 – 299 (ok, not 25lbs, but it’s only recently that I’ve hit over 300 – and it was in the afternoon, with clothes on). No reward, maybe I’ll take the time to do my nails.

Goal 2- 275 ~ Mani/Pedi

Goal 3- 250 ~ New purse!

Goal 4 – 225 ~ Facial. By now I’ve probably rid a lot of toxins from my body. Time for a little clean up/mantience.

Goal 5 -200 ~ Pack up the car, time to reconnect with nature. Time to plan a long weekend at Glacier National Park, Montana

Goal 6 – 175 ~Toss out all those old, ill-fitting clothes and go crazy! You look hot, let’s flaunt it! I know I’ll likely need new clothes a long the way, but as I hope to shrink out of them, I don’t plan on spending a lot, or buying a lot until I hit my comfortable, maintaining weight.