Fat Shaming
Goal179
Posts: 314 Member
I am not exactly sure what fat shaming is or how it is defined, but I think I may have witnessed it today coming from my own sister. My little sister (who is my pride and joy and my total motivation for losing weight) suffers from PCOS and in order to get her condition under control, she lost 60 pounds. Seriously she looks like a model now. SHe didn't just lose the weight but she also became a total fitness buff. She runs marathons, does spin classes, even bikes. But before she lost the weight, she was a pretty big girl, especially for her height. But there is something that I am noticing about her attitude towards obese, large, chunky, overweight people (whatever you want to call us). She seems to almost hate us. I say us because at this very moment, even though I have lost a few pounds, I am officially considered obese. If someone who is "of size' pisses her off or irritates her, she will throw fat slurs at them. Not so that they can hear it of course. Phrases like, fat *kitten*, lazy fat slob. She even called one group of girls (granted they were rude and very mean) fat sluts. She will also go on diatribes about fat Americans and how we need to do better. We saw some chairs at the furniture that were made for larger people with the wider seat and sturdier structure and she launched into a tirade about how fat people needed to be forced into losing weight and we should NEVER cater to them being fat. So I ask you MFP, is this fat shaming? OR, is her new found fitness awareness just clouding how she views the world? I have been hesitant to remind her that just a few months ago, she needed one of those extra large chairs. I will never be so cruel as to bring that up, but a little empathy from her would be nice! SHe of all people knows how it feels to be looked down upon, judged, even hated because of your weight. I am just so surprised sometimes to hear this coming from her. She is a sweet and loving person but somehow she has developed a hatred for fat. Maybe because we remind her of what she used to be. I try to remind her that when she speak ill of the overweight, she is also talking about me. She gets upset when I say that because somehow she doesn't feel I should be included in the fat group. Give me your opinions. What is the best way to talk to her about this?
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Chances are very good that she loathed being fat, perhaps even more than you imagine, and is projecting that self hatred (or former) out into the world.
It's not uncommon for people who were once fat, and put in the work to correct that, to start acting like this. I have some very strong feelings about the obesity problem in the US, but then again I also had all of those exact same views when I was over 300 lbs.
Some people do adopt a "If can do it, why can't you" mentality. But, again, often times all you're hearing is a hatred that was already there coming out because they now have a comfortable distance. She probably really, really hated being fat and you're only now getting to see her true feelings about that, just reflected in how she views others.0 -
I agree. She really, really, really hated being fat. So you are probably 100% correct. I have some strong feelings about the obesity problem too, but somehow, I can express them with love and caring and wanting to be part of the solution. She just spews meaness0
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So I ask you MFP, is this fat shaming?
To me, yes.
If you bring it up to her, be prepared to be the butt of her hate.0 -
I agree with iwishyouwell. I would also bet that there is still some deep-seated self-hate for not having put in the work sooner. Once I 'broke the code', I started feeling incredibly guilty and lazy that I hadn't tried hard enough sooner (I too have pcos and had about given up on being able to lose weight). In your shoes, I would call her on it and tell her how hurtful she is being0
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If it was me I'd probably say something next time she does. Maybe along the lines of ...
"Yeah but as YOU well know it's not always easy. And just like YOU did everyone has to find their own path towards being healthy if thats what THEY want."
It does sound a bit like the reformed smokers/drinkers who then feel that they can criticise folk who still do.0 -
Ignorant people.. Sorry... Like your little sister...Just like mine... Also,she is a health and fitness buff... Skinny AND miserable.... No matter how hard she works she cant stop running to get skinnier... And then she tries to tell me what my kids shpuld and shouldnt eat....Not in a kind way... In a mean and nasty almost disgusted way... And I get very angry and upset... However since she became pregnant the very first time ,she seems to be more understanding... I think that is a great great thing! So may be there is hope ... Im fat but I know Id never ever would judge anyone by the "cover"... No matter what....0
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I'd sit her down and have a conversation with her. I'm sure she has a fear, as we all do, of gaining back the weight she has lost so she is trying to separate herself from it by looking down on over-weight folks. Any kind of bias towards a demographic is an unflattering trait.0
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You're not alone regarding your sister. My sister also despises overweight folks and lets it be known. She is very fit and trim - she just boasted to me that she got rid of her muffin top with Jillian Michaels. She used to smoke and now gets pious with people who smoke. But I wouldn't trade places with her for anything. She was bulimic with a strange habit of storing her vomit in her closet, she got hooked on meth (did kick that habit) and now just drinks heavily. But you can't tell her anything because she lashes out at you if you disagree with her. I get so stressed out when I visited her that I now avoid contact with her. If your sister is bringing you down with her nasty comments, it may be best to just avoid her.0
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Yes it's fat shaming, and for most people probably including your sister it's coming from a place of low self-esteem. Edit: and the 'fat sluts' comment is also slut shaming, which is also not really okay.0
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I've had this experience with family members who have lost a great deal of weight. I called them on it and they answered quite candidly actually. It turned out that there were afraid. They were afraid that they would somehow end up BACK where they started and so they projected the hate to avoid that outcome. I guess I can understand that to a degree. I did say that it was hurtful to me and those people don't do that anymore. In fact, one of them went on to therapy to deal with those residual feelings.0
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I would kindly ask her to stop hating on fat people in my company. Tell her that it's thoughtless and inconsiderate and hurts your feelings, because you are fat.
I had a run in with my sister a few months back as she always criticises my boyfriends. Always has! I told her I'm not going to discuss him with her anymore cos she always ridicules me and never has anything nice to say. And guess what? She only says nice things now!!
I think sometimes that sisters (people) are blind and dont realise how much they're upsetting you....... until you tell them........!0 -
Yes, it is fat-shaming, IMO.
I think it is pretty common. Some of it may be based on her hatred of once being so out of control or her weight. It could be based on her new found love of fitness. For me, it was based on fear. Paralyzing fear that if I wasn't vigilant, passionate and crazed over my weight I would gain it all back. (Obviously, I did). Really, I think it is insecurity.
It's much like the former smokers, who seem to be the WORST towards smokers. Holier than thou.
I don't know a smoker who doesn't want to quit or an obese person who doesn't want to lose weight. There may be some, but I argue, not many. Crappy food and butts are not logically worth losing your life over. But we all have to be ready. When we are ready we will act. Much like she did.
Maybe you could gently remind your sister that for awhile she wasn't ready to be committed to a healthy lifestyle and that you are proud that she is now. However, I would tell her that she is being ugly. There's no diet or patch for that.
I wish you the best of luck.
edited to add: In New England, we call cigarettes, "butts". I just remembered that this is not a worldwide term.0 -
Once someone has lost their weight, they realize how much all the excuses are worth.
(Hint: the excuses are worth nothing.)0 -
Yes, I would label what your sister is doing as fat shaming. While I agree with some of the others that she is afraid of gaining back what she has lost, it does not give her license to belittle anyone. Some people call them snide remarks, but they are really hurtful. I hope that you can find a way to talk to her about this and tell her how you feel. Please don't let her remarks dampen your spirit. Regardless of her remarks, the journey you are on is for you and not anyone else.0
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I'm sure she doesn't see you as a fat slut (lol) or anything like that so it probably doesn't even enter her mind that you might new offended. If you're really close she just wouldn't have the same filter between her thoughts and mouth that she has with others.
You definitely do see things different too. Someone said something about excuses, very true! Plus, with me at least, everything looks bigger. I don't know if I'm explaining that right? But I notice people I thought were small before don't look that small anymore. Neither do clothes, or seats, aisles anything. (This includes myself too.)0 -
I think this is actually a complex situation and she may not totally understand it herself. Since she is (comparatively) just recently at a healthy weight she is probably just now understanding how damaging being over weight or obese is to the body. Her reaction may also be anger towards herself for depriving herself of being healthy when she was fat. She likely wants to see EVERYONE at a healthy weight and so she sees these "enablers" as enemies to anyone with a weight problem. But yes, it does sound like she is fat shaming so I can't condone her actions even if they might be understandable. To go from a heavy body to a more normal one is a much quicker transition than for the mind to make that same transition. You could just ask her what she thinks when she sees an obese person and see what she says and go from there.0
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Chances are very good that she loathed being fat, perhaps even more than you imagine, and is projecting that self hatred (or former) out into the world.
It's not uncommon for people who were once fat, and put in the work to correct that, to start acting like this. I have some very strong feelings about the obesity problem in the US, but then again I also had all of those exact same views when I was over 300 lbs.
Some people do adopt a "If can do it, why can't you" mentality. But, again, often times all you're hearing is a hatred that was already there coming out because they now have a comfortable distance. She probably really, really hated being fat and you're only now getting to see her true feelings about that, just reflected in how she views others.
1000000x this0 -
The things we hate the most in the world are our own insecurities. She is still insecure about being fat once upon a time and it obviously still haunts her. She clearly needs therapy because it is not okay to treat people like she is doing.
Edit:
I also know how she feels in a way. I quit smoking about two years ago and I admit that I "shame" smokers when I see them. When friends or family smoke around me or go out for a smoke I call them "dirty smokers" and other nice things. I know it's not helping them but I still find myself doing it. I guess it's because quitting was so easy for me to do that I figure anyone should be able to do it and that because they don't, for whatever reason, they deserve the shame. I guess you just need to accept the things you cannot change.0 -
I think you should remind her that she was once in that situation before. Maybe explain to her how she is coming off to you.. maybe she doesn't get how it is making you feel?0
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At least it wasn't fat acceptance mumbo jumbo0
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Once a person finds their way out of a situation, they often see that it should have been done a long time ago. They forget that it was hard at first, they just know that they did it and others could do it too. It reminds me of smokers. Once they quit, some tend to consider it all so disgusting and urge others to quit when they just did it themselves. (Yes, its disgusting, but you weren't putting the smokers down when you were smoking too, were you?) I quit smoking two years ago and vowed to never be that way. Instead, only when asked, I share my story. How I did it and all of the benefits I reap every single day. Maybe tell your sister about that. Instead of putting people down, she can be the one who convinces someone else that they can do it too. In the meantime, don't let your feelings be hurt. This may just be her way of reminding herself not to return to where she started.0
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She sounds delightful.0
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Once someone has lost their weight, they realize how much all the excuses are worth.
(Hint: the excuses are worth nothing.)
I have had this kind of conversation with my brother who can often times say something that can be taken pretty harshly. I have then come to a few opinions.
Some folks who hate on fat people, care less about the fact that they are fat (because they know that medical conditions exist) and more on the fact that this person has little to no self control.
Folks who have to go through all the effort and training of both mind and body, tend to have a hard time when confronted by those that seem to not care and let theirs turn to obesity and laziness.
My brother doesn't love me any less but there is a strong sense of longing on his part for me to get my life in control, and my insouciant attitude towards my health and nutrition frustrated him for some time.
Just some things to consider. No one likes to be degraded, in any way. However, I am short by most standards and don't get angry when people say I am short. I have dark hair and eyes; these are all physical traits. I am also fat, and don't get upset when that is part of the description as it too is a physical fact. Again, let your brain hijack the instinctual emotional response and give it a think first before you get upset.0 -
I think the fact that you call your sister your pride and joy is so sweet and goes to show that the two of you have a strong bond. Maybe you can approach it just by saying, look, I am struggling with my weight as you once were as well, and I can use all the positivity you can give me. And part of that is laying off the fat comments, even though they're about other people, when I'm around.
You obviously love and support your sis and I think it's totally possible she hasn't considered how her comments might make you feel. Family is forever and you certainly don't want something like this coming in between yall! Good luck
Edited to add: I was just thinking, when my sister and I are together we say things we would NEVER be caught dead saying to other people. It's like a no holds barred zone, because we can completely let our guards down around each other. Which just goes to reiterate my point that she may just be speaking mindlessly and not realizing the impact it's having on you. I would even go so far as to say, look, you don't have to stop insulting people if they're jerks. Can we just call them ***holes instead of fat? Cause the problem is their personality, not their appearance, right?
Ok I'll stop now. Good luck again!0 -
Everyone has already said it really... I was a 'chubby teen' but through my twenties I lost a lot of weight (not through the health and fitness way but through a bad lifestyle - drinking, drugs, partying, etc). I too came to hate 'fat' people but I realised later in life that this was because I was so scared of being fat again that subconsciously I had to hate it to stop myself from becoming it. I had no respect for people who let themselves get really big - I thought of them as lazy and ignorant and figured they had no respect for themselves so how could they expect me to respect them. This included members of my own family. Fast forward a few years and after quitting smoking and drugs, I put on about 40 lbs, which pushed me well in to the overweight bracket (probably bordering on obese). Now my outlook is different - I realised that we all have our struggles and demons and for some people, food is like cigarettes and drugs were to me. Addictive, comforting, social... Some people never beat those demons and some do. It's that simple.
To the O.P., try to speak to your sister and explain how you feel. You have nothing to lose and may even help her change her view.0 -
If we're talking about actual cruelty, I think that's just called being a ****ty person. Hold individuals accountable for their behavior, and stop turning everything into a societal problem by putting some psycho-babble label.on it.
If we're talking about merely stating an unpopular opinion that makes people uncomfortable, well, that's life. Suck it up.0 -
"Yeah but as YOU well know it's not always easy. And just like YOU did everyone has to find their own path towards being healthy if thats what THEY want."
From a person in long-term recovery, this is the same as an alcoholic /addict. Losing weight takes extreme will power. You have to "hit your bottom" in order to make it to the top.0 -
I think formerly fat people are the hardest on themselves. Sometimes it's so easy to look in the mirror and still see an obese person. I HATED myself when I was fat. I refused to put on a bathing suit, refused to have photos taken of me, declined requests such as bridesmaid, etc.
I had every excuse in the book why I was fat. No time for exercise, ****ty metabolism, thyroid disease, PCOS, you name it. But they were excuses.
And sometimes I'll say things negative about fat, but it's really a self-reflection, and not an insult to anyone else, at least I don't mean it that way. I still have huge self-esteem issues about my appearance. I still see myself as a fat person. And I hate it. I am, and always have been, my own worst critic (except maybe my ex husband, but that's a different topic).
My point is that it's likely any comments your sister is making are far more about herself, than they are about you, or any other overweight person. It's very hard to let go of that mentality.0 -
I'll be honest and admit that I went through a brief period of this, even made negative comments about old pictures of myself and it took my husband calling me out on it to snap out of it. I just flat out didn't realize how much I was projecting my frustration at my former self on to folks who are in the same place I once was. I stil get frustrated about some loved ones who get stuck in the yo-yo/fad dieting trap but I just have to remind myself that I was there once too and approach them with compassion, patience and empathy.
As far as your sister goes, I'd call her out on it. Be nice and tactful of course, but let her know that just a short time ago she was in the same exact place and wouldn't want to hear those same comments coming from someone else. And let her know it's hurtful to you too as you're still technically obese. It might not stop her but she might at least refrain from saying those things around you.0
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