How do you learn to not be guilty?

LKArgh
LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
in Goal: Maintaining Weight
I started trying to lose a bit of weight (total of 7 kilos) about 2 months ago. I have lost 4, ideally I would like to lose 3 more kilos, but I am also more than happy where I am now and for sure have no reason to lose fast. My mind tells me I should be at this point at a very small deficiency, closer to maintenance. I was actually thinking that maybe I should switch to maintenance for a few weeks, then concentrate on slowly losing the rest later. I have a goal of 1400 net calories for a slow weight loss, of about 1 kilo per month. It is a random number, I would be equally happy if I lost these 3 kilos sometime until next autumn, would still be ok if I never lost. Usually I am lower than this goal, a few times, 3 of them the last week, I was slightly higher, still below maintenance. My mind tells me it is perfectly fine, and I should stop obsessing. Besides there were also a few days were I was way below my goal. Still, my gut instinct is to panic even if I am at 50 calories above what I planned to eat. My diary says I am 21 calories above planned today, and I feel bad about it. Actually I had to "force" myself to eat this last piece of bread, telling myself that since I feel hungry I should eat and stop being paranoid. How do you adapt to stop concentrating on the numbers and not focusing on each single day? Like I said my mind tells me this is fine but I cannot fell fine :(

Replies

  • mixedbag4444
    mixedbag4444 Posts: 189 Member
    Just try to rationalize it and think about the big picture. If you're 100 calories over for one day, you're not going to gain a ton of weight !!! In a few days, that 100 calories won't even matter. Just keep telling yourself that your efforts aren't pointless if you're only a little over! Good luck!
  • Branstin
    Branstin Posts: 2,320 Member
    There is nothing to feel guilty about because you are not a robot. You are human and as a human you will have good and bad days. Furthermore, being 21 calories over the limit is nothing to feel guilty about...ever! This is normal. Going over the limit of net calories once in a while is not only ok, but should be expected.
  • lemonychild
    lemonychild Posts: 654 Member
    this random calorie number you picked obvious isn't working for you. The human body has been around for ages and was able to cope with calories and food for centuries before calorie calculators were invented. Its called the hunger scale. It signals to you when you're hungry and signals to you when you're full. put more trust in your own body and the calories will just be a meaningless number
  • Linnaea27
    Linnaea27 Posts: 639 Member
    I found that when I started really obsessing about how many calories I was eating because of seeing those numbers on this website, I just needed a couple of day's break from logging. After tracking calories for a while, most of us have some idea of how much we should be eating every day to remain reasonably close to our calorie goal, so I didn't log for a few days while continuing to eat a normal amount (not trying to under- or over-eat because I wasn't tracking). Just that short break really helped me break the cycle of constantly worrying about my calorie goal and feeling bad seeing those darn red numbers-- even if it was only something silly like 23 calories over for the day.

    Since you are fairly happy with where you are weight-wise now, perhaps the best strategy for not feeling so guilty about the numbers, but still slowly losing weight or at least maintaining, would be for you to set your goal to maintain at your current weight. Then you'd be "allowed" to eat more without seeing the red numbers, and if you were consistently slightly below the goal, you'd still be losing a bit of weight slowly.

    Also, pay more attention to the "in 5 weeks, if every day was like today, you would weigh [x amount]" thing than to the calories. If you're maintaining or losing slowly according to that, maybe that would allow you to worry less about what the calories are.

    Ultimately though I think it's necessary to be very conscious of the fact that this website/app is a tool for us to use, not something that controls us and our habits. It's not here to make us feel guilty or be obsessed with the numbers, even though it is easy to see it that way in a certain (less than healthy) frame of mind. Use it knowing that it's a tool for you that gives you a framework for a change you've decided to make, not something that you have to obey perfectly to be healthy. :)
  • venus_blue
    venus_blue Posts: 103 Member
    It can be hard to undo that guilty feeling we acquire over our eating habits, whether self imposed or otherwise. I had a lot of embarrassment and shame over my eating habits that added to my guilt. I was a closet emotional eater and it was very difficult for me to learn to log honestly and stop beating myself up for going over my goal.

    I have managed to be more accepting of myself, and more successful losing weight, by doing a few simple things:

    I look at my calorie goal on a weekly average, that helps put overeating in perspective for me. If I'm over one day or even two, I just eat lighter the rest of the week. If I'm at or below my goal for the week, I'm happy.

    I'm also being patient about the rate of my loss, and have my calorie goal set at 1800 a day. According to MFP this will have me losing 1.2 pounds per week. This has helped me stay under. When I see that the calories I'm allowing myself are relatively high, I can hit well below them pretty consistently and that makes me feel less guilty and more confident.

    If I finish my logging for the day and MFP says I will lose weight in the next five weeks, even if it is only a pound or two, I don't worry. Unless I am seeing a one or two pound loss for several days in a row, then I reevaluate my intake and ask myself why I am having trouble staying under. Usually it's stress or just being careless.

    When I stopped stressing about being over my calorie goal, I found I was going over less. This week I was over quite a few days because I was traveling. I knew I would be and just logged honestly and accepted it. This keeps me accountable, but not feeling guilty.
  • rezrighter
    rezrighter Posts: 18
    Keep in mind that most calorie based data, be it caloric information off of a box, or your "calculated" metabolism is not exactly accurate, so as long as you remain in the ball park, and not excessively over, you are fine. The real tell is if you are generally loosing what you expect to loose a week, you are fine. Long term weight loss is a lifestyle change, and a little flex here and there is to be expected.

    There are days I go over my 1800 cal budget by as much as 300 (2040 is maintenance for me right now) but most days I am at or under 1800. living with the 80/20 rule states that as long as you are good 80% of the time, a little fudge here or there is fine. your sanity demands it ;)
  • rezrighter
    rezrighter Posts: 18
    Keep in mind that most calorie based data, be it caloric information off of a box, or your "calculated" metabolism is not exactly accurate, so as long as you remain in the ball park, and not excessively over, you are fine. The real tell is if you are generally loosing what you expect to loose a week, you are fine. Long term weight loss is a lifestyle change, and a little flex here and there is to be expected.

    There are days I go over my 1800 cal budget by as much as 300 (2040 is maintenance for me right now) but most days I am at or under 1800. living with the 80/20 rule states that as long as you are good 80% of the time, a little fudge here or there is fine. your sanity demands it ;)
  • xscat
    xscat Posts: 80 Member
    I find myself panicking too whenever I see the green bar turn red... Maybe it's just the interface design of this website. The red bar makes it seem like I've "failed" at a test or something.

    I know it shouldn't be a big deal if I go over my calorie goal by 70kcal because I had an extra cup of fruit or a handful of olives or something. But emotionally being "OK" with the red bar is still challenging (yep I was a straight-A kid).

    What I found really helpful is to learn to get some distance and laugh at your panics and irrational guilt. For example, yesterday I went over cuz by I was visiting a colleague and there was wine, food and games. I caught myself at the moment of "OMG what do I do I'm gonna get fat" insanity and somehow placed myself as an observer of this crazy girl going nuts about 70kcal, and started telling myself "Oh here it comes again. This girl is so silly. It's amusing".

    Does this make me the crazy woman who talks to herself? lol
  • rammsz
    rammsz Posts: 79
    I started trying to lose a bit of weight (total of 7 kilos) about 2 months ago. I have lost 4, ideally I would like to lose 3 more kilos, but I am also more than happy where I am now and for sure have no reason to lose fast. My mind tells me I should be at this point at a very small deficiency, closer to maintenance. I was actually thinking that maybe I should switch to maintenance for a few weeks, then concentrate on slowly losing the rest later. I have a goal of 1400 net calories for a slow weight loss, of about 1 kilo per month. It is a random number, I would be equally happy if I lost these 3 kilos sometime until next autumn, would still be ok if I never lost. Usually I am lower than this goal, a few times, 3 of them the last week, I was slightly higher, still below maintenance. My mind tells me it is perfectly fine, and I should stop obsessing. Besides there were also a few days were I was way below my goal. Still, my gut instinct is to panic even if I am at 50 calories above what I planned to eat. My diary says I am 21 calories above planned today, and I feel bad about it. Actually I had to "force" myself to eat this last piece of bread, telling myself that since I feel hungry I should eat and stop being paranoid. How do you adapt to stop concentrating on the numbers and not focusing on each single day? Like I said my mind tells me this is fine but I cannot fell fine :(

    You don't learn not to be guilty. Feel guilty about it and take advantage of it. Remember your mistake and fix it. Don't feel demotivated.
  • SherryTeach
    SherryTeach Posts: 2,836 Member
    A couple of years with a very good therapist over 20 years ago taught not to feel guilty about a lot of things.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    I find myself panicking too whenever I see the green bar turn red... Maybe it's just the interface design of this website. The red bar makes it seem like I've "failed" at a test or something.

    I know it shouldn't be a big deal if I go over my calorie goal by 70kcal because I had an extra cup of fruit or a handful of olives or something. But emotionally being "OK" with the red bar is still challenging (yep I was a straight-A kid).

    What I found really helpful is to learn to get some distance and laugh at your panics and irrational guilt. For example, yesterday I went over cuz by I was visiting a colleague and there was wine, food and games. I caught myself at the moment of "OMG what do I do I'm gonna get fat" insanity and somehow placed myself as an observer of this crazy girl going nuts about 70kcal, and started telling myself "Oh here it comes again. This girl is so silly. It's amusing".

    Does this make me the crazy woman who talks to herself? lol

    Exactly how I feel, thank you. I think I am going to have start talking to myself too ;)
  • EpsilonGamma
    EpsilonGamma Posts: 96
    If you have a deficit of say 400 a day, then if you go over for 100, you've still gone 300 under your maintenance which means you're still on your way to losing weight.

    The trick to not feel guilty about eating pleasure/comfort foods, is to incorporate them via a plan...i.e. saturday I'm eating a BIG bowl of ice cream.

    Or add them into once, twice a week. Say 100mls of ice cream each time.
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    remember that overeating is not a crime. you didn't kill anyone. You didn't kick any puppies. You just ate 100 calories more than you'd planned. Like someone above said, that's not even overeating, it's just making your deficit a bit smaller. Really, it's no big deal. Overeating is nothing more than an unhealthy habit, and it's not even that unless you do it regularly enough to steadily gain fat. When you stop seeing eating 100 calories over your goal as being a big deal, you'll stop feeling guilty about it.

    Also remember that fat gain happens slowly, so even if you were to slip into the habit of regularly overeating, you can catch yourself and get yourself back on track. And you have to eat 3500 calories over and above your TDEE to gain just *one* pound of fat. Even if you were over your TDEE (not your calorie goal which is a deficit, but your TDEE) by 100 calories a day, it would take 35 days to gain just one pound of fat.... plenty of time to adjust your calorie intake and burn it off again! But you're actually still under your TDEE, the result is that the weight loss is a little slower, that is all. Most people who fear weight gain think it's all going to come back very quickly after a short lapse in their good habits... really it doesn't work like that. If you see a gain on the scale after a day of eating way too much, it'll be water weight fluctuations unless you actually went over your TDEE by thousands of calories.
  • Kargicq
    Kargicq Posts: 72 Member
    Does this make me the crazy woman who talks to herself? lol

    The best advice a friend has ever given me: "Imagine you're giving advice to a friend in your position." :smile:

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